the emotionally unavailable man

[kskts6115]

well i'll try to make a long story short. i met a guy about 3 years ago and i knew he had interest in me but at the time i wasn't really looking for anything. we kept talking and about a year later we started to date. i grew to love him and wanted more out of the relationship. for example just to see him more because we only saw each other like once a week or so. he said he was in a rough patch having just graduated college and not having the kind of job he wanted or doing what he thought he would by then. he said that he didnt see us going anywhere or see himself being in love with me because of what he was going through. needless to say i was absolutely heartbroken. this being the first time i had ever said i love you to someone.

We never really lost contact and would occasionally text. Then something weird happened. he started asking me out on casual friend dates and then 8 months after the breakup he said he still had feelings and we ended up dating again. He said he couldnt promise things would change or his feelings.

Now about 8 more months later we were doing better than the previous time with just the overall feeling of the relationship, but still werent spending more than once a week together. And its not because he's out doing other things, he actually works 3 jobs and really doesn't have a lot of free time. Last week, I asked if he was happy with the relationship and it opened up a whole big conversation. He started to say again that he doesn't have the time for something serious right now. And i asked if he did have the time would he spend it with me, and he said yes. but he still said he doesnt know if this would go anywhere and it wouldn't even be willing to get seriously involved until he is where he wants to be in life. I understand that. so after a lot of thinking i decided id be okay with continuing on because i just feel this strong connection to him. i cant explain it well but i've never felt this way about anyone and i dont want to give it up. probably seems pathetic to let myself accept that.

well last Friday we met up and he pretty much broke up with me saying that even if we did continue what we're doing its unhealthy. He wants to take the romantic aspect out of our relationship and still continue to see each other as friends. and he wants me to be happy and have a relationship where i can get what i want. he said that after all this time deep down he doesnt think i'm the one and he cant give me what i need. obviously i'm heartbroken and want to know if this could ever change? i mean he did come back so that's got to count for something. we both cried a lot and i just cant bare the thought of going through this break up again, the first time was enough. i know he feels lost in his life but will he ever see the potential for us? i feel so sad right now so please be nice. i know its not about another girl either because i asked if he thought it would be better with someone else and he said no. part of me wants to not give him up because i want to be there when he is ready. i'm not the type of person to really date around and when someone like this comes into my life that changes everything i dont want to let it go. any advice would be nice or opinions. just outside perspective is nice sometimes. it's just the chemistry is there but the time isn't.

i was on here before during the first break up and never really let go.. and now here I am again this time knowing i can't do the same thing. I was so sad when we broke up the first time and i don't want to go through it again. i know i love him and i really did want him, but i also know i don't need anyone. i can want them but its not healthy to need. i just need some support. and i'm completely lost about the whole friends proposition.

[vashti]

You have been demoted, and you should believe him when he says he doesn't see this going anywhere. I believe he may actually care about you, but he doesn't love you, and you are just setting yourself up to be devastated when he meets someone he CAN love.

My suggestion is you protect yourself, and stop all contact with him. Also, look through this site. It helped give me a reality check when I was in a similar position to you...

[url]http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/[/url]

[chinagirl]

If I were you, I would just accept his decision and move on. The first break up was hard enough for you, how many more break ups from him are you going to deal with until he is ready to settle down on a committed relationship?

It isn't right to put your life on hold while you are waiting for him to figure out his life or till he finds enough time to spend with you. I always say this to people, if there's a will, there's a way. If he really wants to spend more time with you, he will find a way to make it happen.

I'm sorry to say, but you need to move on and find someone who can meet your needs. He isn't the right one for you.

[kskts6115]

It's just so hard because I've wanted it so bad for so long. I don't understand why he'd come back a second time when he wasn't willing to change. It doesn't make sense because if he wasn't willing to put effort in then why would you come back? I know he won't come back again but I just wanted it so bad. I know I'm being stupid but I can't help it. Love unfortunately is never logical. My heads sees what you guys are saying but my heart is going the other way. I'm just sad to know I'll never make him happy because that's all I really wanted.

[vashti]

This article has to do with emotionally unavailable men. You are the Fallback Girl. You will need to learn what YOUR role is in choosing this kind of man to involve yourself with in order to grow.

[url]http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/[/url]

[kskts6115]

So I'm at a point now where I've more or less accepted the end of the relationship. I know I deserve to be in a loving committed relationship and that's something he can't give me. It would be disrespectful to myself to settle for anything less. I know these things but my heart still hurts. I just miss him ya know? Like when you've become used to talking to a person all the time for 3 years then it just stops and I'm left wondering why it's so easy to leave me behind. It's just I know he's moving on and I'm trying to use that as motivation to do so as well, but then I think he'll never appreciate how much I loved him.

And I did do something dumb and text him.. It was short about something I thought he'd think was funny and he replied short as well. I knew texting wasn't gonna open the relationship back up but it left me feeling emptier for some reason. I just wanted to talk but now I see that if he really wanted to talk then he would have contacted me. I guess it's a mistake to learn from but still stinks how someone can matter so much to you but it's not always the same on the other end.