I'm in love with a girl who is unavailable, what do you think?

[JamesHuds]

I'm sorry it's so long but I had to write it all out.

I'm 19, I have never had a girlfriend although I have met tons of girls, great looking girls most of which I get along with, but nothing ever felt right.

3 weeks ago I went to this Halloween event meeting, and it was pouring with rain and I was stood there with no hood or coat dripping wet and she came over and offered me her umbrella, I turned it down but it was the offer that counted.

The thing is she was so beautiful, I couldn't even think straight, anyone else I tell this to just sees her and says she is okay, or yeah shes cute I guess, but to me she looks like a goddess so amazingly beautiful it hurts, So I talked to her every meeting, I found out she was 17, spent some time in Australia growing up, takes Jujitsu lessons, I found out she also takes anti depressant tablets like I do and we both have been for years, I also learned that she used to self harm which I used to but we have both far outgrown doing it.

By this stage I already felt like I was in love with this girl, then I found out she was engaged, to a guy she met when she was 14, the guy who made her happy and stopped her from being so depressed and self harming. I actually think my heart stopped beating for a few seconds, at least that's what it felt like.

But it was to late, I am in love with her I know I am, she obviously doesn't feel the same way, we haven't known each other long enough to be in love, which is why I don't understand why I feel this way, I fell asleep staring at her picture the other night, I just stared into her eyes for hours without moving, and every time I look at her even a picture my stomach fills with butterfly's and my heart feels like its actually breaking knowing that I will most likely never be with her, I even feel like I want to cry when I see her picture for the same reason but I try my best not to.

Like I said she is 17, and she says she won't get married until shes at least 20 so they can pay for it them selves.

So what the hell do I do? Stay friends with her while secretly being in love and hope that they break up or that my feelings pass (even though I feel they won't ever), Do I stop seeing her all together and most likely cry my self to death as the thought of not seeing her even as friends makes my heart hurt.

I could never try to break them up as I don't want to hurt her, even the thought of hoping they break up naturally hurts me thinking she might get hurt, and I cant tell her this as it would stop any chance of a friendship.

First time I ever fall in love and it has to be with someone completely unavailable.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated, and thank you for reading.

[Gigabitch]

You're going to keep feeling like crying yourself to death forever if you keep hanging around her like a moth around a candle flame. I think you should distance yourself. You can't be friends with someone you're in love with. It will break your heart.

[JamesHuds]

You're going to keep feeling like crying yourself to death forever if you keep hanging around her like a moth around a candle flame. I think you should distance yourself. You can't be friends with someone you're in love with. It will break your heart.

That is incredibly not what i wanted to hear xD, but thanks for responding, I know I'm probably just trying to convince my self here but I have more to say,

I NEVER believed in "the one" or "love at first sight" it sounded stupid to me until I saw her for the first time, I know its unlikely, but what IF we live in a world where those things are real, and She really is this person, and i never feel this again, I mean who the hell feels like this after such little time normally?, is the pain not worth it?

[lahnnabell]

I agree with Giga.

[kitkitkitty]

if she's the first person youve felt like that towards of course its gona be hard. think of your depression... you got through it right? however hard it was you survived. this proves that its possible for you to distance yourself from her and make it out the other side, happy and stronger. the longer you stick around, the more you'll convince yourself of the wrong stuff and the more it'll hurt in the long run. so yeah... i agree with giga too.

[Gigabitch]

I NEVER believed in "the one" or "love at first sight" it sounded stupid to me until I saw her for the first time, I know its unlikely, but what IF we live in a world where those things are real, and She really is this person, and i never feel this again, I mean who the hell feels like this after such little time normally?, is the pain not worth it?

Okay, well, here's some more of what you don't want to hear: I felt this way a couple of times. The summer I was 18, I lost weeks worth of sleep mooning over this one guy who was the END ALL, BE ALL, ONE FOR ME, I was sure of it. I was wrong. It was just an infatuation, and now when I see him around town, I have fond thoughts but absolutely no attraction or yearnings. He's just a nice, good-looking guy I had a crush on once.

This will probably happen to you too. Don't worry, when it does it will be a relief, not a big loss.

[JamesHuds]

Okay, well, here's some more of what you don't want to hear: I felt this way a couple of times. The summer I was 18, I lost weeks worth of sleep mooning over this one guy who was the END ALL, BE ALL, ONE FOR ME, I was sure of it. I was wrong. It was just an infatuation, and now when I see him around town, I have fond thoughts but absolutely no attraction or yearnings. He's just a nice, good-looking guy I had a crush on once.

This will probably happen to you too. Don't worry, when it does it will be a relief, not a big loss.

Then surely the best thing to do would be to just be friends with her and eventualy it will pass....

[Gigabitch]

No, you have to get some distance. She's like a drug, your chemistry with her is so strong.

I wish she were available, but she's just not, and I don't want to see you shredding yourself over it.

[VincenzoG91]

Then surely the best thing to do would be to just be friends with her and eventualy it will pass....

No, because it will be a nightmare for you when she starts dating some guy and then confides in you as a friend. I've been in that exact situation, and it's terrible.

[xxazurexx]

Then surely the best thing to do would be to just be friends with her and eventualy it will pass....

You only want to be her friend and because you like her and have feelings for her....or you wouldn't want her friendship otherwise. Your reasons for wanting to be friends are NOT genuine reasons to want to be someones friend.

Scenarios like this, DON'T work. Your feelings wouldn't lessen, they would grow.

[NewStart]

Excellent advice offered by the posts above! You really need to get some space. No, you're not going to have a balanced friendship with a girl you're obsessed with. (Trust me: been there, done that. It only leads to awkwardness and heartache.)

[jonas22]

well, first of all, Im not sure its any kind of consolation, but the relationship that she is now in is highly unlikely to survive - its unlikely they will actually get married - and if they do, it probably won't be successful or they won't remain together for more than a few years. (teenage marriages very rarely succeed - its romantic nonsense)

So, there is of course a chance for you - after they break up.

However, you might feel in love with her, are you the best person for her?
And would you be confident that she might be able to make you realise that she is the best person for her.

i mean what makes you think that you're more suitable than the person she is with now?

Are you better than he?

Are you gonna be better than the next guy who will come looking for her, after she will probably split from her present partner?

So you're in love, doesnt mean that you have to be with her, its not destiny (or do you feel that it is - do you actually feel that you should be with her and her with you.

Is it the kind of love that feels like its your and her destiny to be together?
So what you gonna do about it then?

Time to plan course of action.

[Poetic_Partner]

"...I could never try to break them up..."

You already know what I'm about to say - you seem like a decent fellow, after all. This is NOT the way to go. I'd even advise putting it far, far out of your mind lest you blame yourself should their relationship naturally fall apart.

You have two goals, and I'm going to give you two conflicting pieces of advice. It'll be up to you to figure out the balance.

Insofar as this is about your feelings, you need distance. You can still know her as an acquaintance, but you need to do your best to move on.

However, as far as your concern is with her happiness, you can still be friends with her. You have to, however, accept and even (to yourself) bless her current relationship. That's a hard road to take. It's called "unconditional" love, and I don't think anyone ever truely gets there, though with experience you can get close.

Personally, if she's currently happy and you don't know her well, I'd recommend the distance. Just don't make a jerk of yourself and you'll do fine should she end up single or another girl enter your life.

-PP

[JELEF]

It really depends on what you can stomach because you're going to be made to feel uneasy either way. If you distance yourself from her, you'll still be thinking about her but it may eventually pass. The same could be said for staying close though.

If you can truly be her friend without an ulterior motive or at the very least be impartial and have her best interest at heart, soldier on.

Every time I've been in this situation I've carried on and haven't got any regrets. Rather, I've ended up with some really great friends. It is always hardest the first go round though.

Not that you should be thinking along these lines, but I can't imagine a marriage proposal at 14 will ever actually hold up. She's only 17 and people change quite a bit as they mature and experience new things. Especially the bit about her suffering from depression and this chap making it all 'go away'. That's bollocks. If a relationship's providing her sense of well-being, I'd be super apprehensive about being romantically involved with her.

If I were in your position, I'd remain friends. Perhaps it's strictly an infatuation which'll pass with time (has happens often enough). You'll get to know her better if you spend more time with her and she'll learn more about you. She could become a bestie or if there's an attraction, she may come to fancy you if she realizes she's more connected to you than this other chap. Again, don't get involved if this is your plan all along because you're only setting yourself up for disappointment if you've got an expectation of anything beyond friendship.

[Agape]

Well you can't be in a relationship with her and that breaks your heart . . . and to be friends with her will only strain your heart . . . it's best you just avoid this girl and cut her out of your life. . . you're also too young to invest time with a girl who is 'out of bounds'