Advice: Am I being unreasonable?

[JRT609]

History:
Met a woman at work about 12 years ago - back then she was engaged and living with her fiance, I was married and living with my wife. Approximately 3 years later, I was divorced, and she had left to work somewhere else. We reconnected, and she told me she had broken off the engagement and moved out & was single, we started having sex at my place a couple times a week for several months - basically a FWB type thing. Turns out she really hadn't broken it off with her fiance, and was cheating on him - he confronted us after following her to my place - AWKWARD... so things were broken off for a couple years. About 3 years ago, we reconnected again, and actually started "dating." She was no longer engaged, but still living with the ex. She claims that there is nothing going on between them romantically, but they cohabitate in a small home, and I am not permitted to go over there. She has several exotic birds as pets, which requires her to be home almost daily. For the past 3 years, I have encouraged her to get her own place or at least move out and get a roommate. We live approx. 30 minutes apart, so that everything revolves around coming to my home or going out in my area - when we do spent time with her friends in her area, we meet in a parking lot near her home. As a result, we have broken up "take a break" several times in the past 3 years, mainly because I feel like we are in a messed up, one-sided relationship - Last year, I confronted the roommate/former fiance, and he angrily told me that there was no relationship between the two of them.

Presently:
This whole situation has put a lot of stress on our relationship progressing further - on my part - She is educated and professionally employed, and makes enough money to at least rent a decent place if she did not want to purchase a home. She tells me she lives there because it is cheap and she's not willing to move unless for a better situation. She is still on his cell phone plan (12 years now) and I suspect her "rent payment" is lower than she would get from a traditional roommate renting out a room in a house. I have the room in my home for her to live, but my home puts her further from work, which would be unrealistic, and besides, I don't want to "move her in" to get her out of his house, she should want to live on her own? I feel like she is using him ? I have helped her look for jobs that are closer to me, but nothing has ever come of it.

I feel like there is a whole part of her life that I am not a part of - I have lived with people over the years, there's a relationship with a roommate on some level? She acts like they rarely interact on any level, but I find that hard to believe. There are times she isn't feeling well or feeling sick, and I would so go over her place and take care of her - like I have done for other women I have dated/been with, but I cannot. It is also awkward when in a social setting when discussing our relationship, because I never want to reveal this woman I have been dating is living with her ex-fiance and I have never been to her home after 6-7 years off on-and-off-again dating?

After this bubbles up and I get frustrated and talk to her about it, she turns it on me -- and accuses me of letting her get close, and then she says I push her away, and I am the bad guy. I tell her, move out and get your own place - rent or buy, I don't care - so that I am having a relationship with a woman who stands on her own and has her own place where I can go and spend time with her besides always spending time at my place she always says she will, but it never happens for whatever reason.

Wondering (1) people's thoughts - am I being unreasonable? (2) Is there a term for this?

thanks

[smackie9]

You are so wasting your time because she isn't 100% committed and refuses to more forward in your relationship. IMO you are still FWB and nothing more. Stop complaining and breakup with her.

[Fluffyducky]

No, you're not being unreasonable. It's possible she's a narcissist and if so, then you need to get out of it and run for the hills. In any case, trust your instincts. If it doesn't feel right, there's a reason for that.

[masticate]

I think there is more to the story that you left out which would indicate you are being unreasonable.

For example, you have not explained why she feels like you are pushing her away. You have not explained how she turns things on you; what is being turned around exactly?

Has she proffered a rational reason to stay in that house? I mean, I can't conceive of one just now but perhaps she has one.