Stuck in a Difficult Situation

[Darrow]

Hello everyone, I've found myself in quite a difficult situation which has been causing me issues for awhile now and I'm not sure how to go about it. I can't approach any friends with this issue either, you'll understand why after you read my story.


I have a large group of friends who I see weekly and we go out drinking and party at least once a week. About 3 months ago we met a couple (boyfriend & girlfriend) at a party who quickly joined into the group. Seeing as they were new to the group they didn't really know anyone that well and I started talking to the girl in just friendly terms. After about a month of them being around I had become pretty close to the girl and we'd talk on a daily basis. From time to time I'd pick her up to drive her to one of our mutual parties or outings if her boyfriend couldn't make it. She ended up opening up to me and discussed how she felt about her current relationship and how she was thinking of taking a break from her boyfriend. We connected through this pretty easily as I discussed my past relationship with her and all my issues.

Eventually we started hanging out just her and I, she'd come over to my house to watch a movie etc. It became clear that she really liked me and she'd even tell me. We probably talked everyday, went shopping together, ate dinner together a couple of times and she'd send me photos of herself all the time. One day out of nowhere she just broke up with her boyfriend, called me and asked to hangout that same night. I didn't know they had broken up till I picked her up and that night she was super touchy feely and we kissed. The following day she wanted to have sex but I turned her down and told her for the best of us and herself it would be better we wait till things where good.

From there on our relationship really progressed quickly. She was over probably every single day and eventually I introduced her to my entire family at a large dinner. I was honestly happy, I genuinely liked hey and thought that something was really becoming of it. Even my family loved her and they hated my EX so that was a huge bonus.

The problem was no one in our large group of friends knew about us, they only suspected. Her EX boyfriend eventually figured out that she was hanging out with me (She told him) and he started suddenly hanging out with us again. He caused a lot of problems within the friend group by telling everyone what was going on between him and her and how she was spending a lot of time with me. As usual with a large group of friends everyone formed their own opinions and started treating her badly (not inviting her to events, outtings etc), I however was fine considering I was the long term friend.

This caused a lot of pressure and problems... to the point where he was calling her daily pissed off. Eventually it made her really depressed and put a lot of pressure on us. Maintaining a hidden relationship behind all our friends backs and having him around was just too much and it wasn't healthy. I had a talk with her and told her it would probably be best for her own health if she be single and figure out what she truly wants, she initially declined but later agreed that it was a group idea. I knew she was lost and confused because she was still talking to him so I figured it was best to let her be alone to figure herself out.

What ended up happening was she slowly starting crawling back to her EX boyfriend. Over the next couple of weeks she started hanging out with him, arriving to events with him and sleeping over at his house all while still talking to me as if she was single! She still talked to me and would send me photos of herself here and there but I didn't really buy into it again because honestly I was pissed off and confused.

It's been about a month now since all of that and they are now back together. I barely talk to her unless it's for event discussion or planning or I'll get a random message here and there from her. We don't see each other outside of the group anymore and we usually avoid close proximity at events but we don't ignore each other. You can tell that there's something there still between us and there's been a few times that I've had other girls around or been talking to other girls and she's blatantly shown jealousy.



The problem is... I still like her.

I genuinely care for this girl and really do like her. The whole reason I was so cool with her being alone and figuring out what she wanted was because I wanted what was best for her. I honestly figured it would help but she just immediately ran back to her EX-Boyfriend and didn't even tell me? It's been a month and we never talk or acknowledge anything that happened between us at all.

I'm constantly plagued weekly by seeing her with him and it kills me inside to not be able to talk to her or treat her as we were. It's beyond weird but her EX acts like nothing has happened either, he invited me to his birthday party, invites me with them all and generally doesn't even care if I talk to her at group outings.

I know it was short lived and our little relationship thing only lasted for about a month... However I've never connected with a girl so quickly or easily before, she's beautiful, smart, funny, interesting and we have SO much in common. Maybe if I never saw her I'd be fine, but I see her all the time and it's just a constant reminder of how much I like her and miss her. I feel like I made a mistake by not fighting for her or by doing something more. She sat in my car at one point and told me how bad she wanted to kiss me after we stopped everything and I simply turned her down thinking it was for her best. Now I regret it like crazy because she just ran right back to her EX.



So, please help me... What do I do? I can't talk to my friends because they don't want to deal with this shit again. I can't talk to my parents because they already know the whole story as well. I've honestly been debating just telling her that I do like her and I regret not fighting for her? As read it's a difficult situation though, because it would cause such conflict within the friend group, especially after everything has ended. This isn't about lust, I never even had sex with her when I had the chance. I know she's back with him and the general response and most obvious is "She has a boyfriend".. but I GENUINELY like this girl.

So what the hell do I do, because these feelings aren't disappearing and I can't avoid my friends every week just to avoid her.

(Just to clarify, her boyfriend isn't my friend and was more of a acquaintance when this was all going on)

[Junep]

I think that what you lived and felt with this girls is priceless! and you shouldn't regret that! but you were more sure of your feelings than her... she's confused, but she can't use you, or her ex, in her experiments. people have feelings, aren't like toys! i know what i'm talking about! so try to think about yourself only! and let it flow! only time will bring you answers, and she has a lot to learn!

[sshelp44]

Personally I would tell her how I felt and that you regret not fighting for her. Im not the greatest with girls and make wrong decisions often so Im probably not best to listen to, however I always regret what I didnt do and I think this situation is a one off, where you have never connected with someone so much, I personally would feel like you should at least tell her in a mature way and not put pressure on her to make a decision. At least its out in the air then. If you just tell her your situation without telling her your thinking of her 24/7 but tell her you regret not trying to get her that would be ok. Then let it go where it goes... least then if they break up and 6 months down the line she could come back, dont burn your bridges and at least build a bridge thats there to be used at a later date.

[CrasherRob8]

I can see why your friends disowned her. The moment you guys started talking every day and just the two of you hanging out together is when you should have cut it off. She was cheating on her boyfriend with you, and that is why your friends disowned her. I'm surprised they did not disown you. And you also mention that her boyfriend was more of an acquaintance and is not your friend.

And yes it is lust. you only met her 3 months ago. You barely even know her. What is the point in telling her you still have feelings for her and that you regret not fighting for her? If you want to be with her, you need to respect the boundaries and not be the guy that she cheats with AGAIN.

[Darrow]

I honestly disagree with it being lust at this point. At the beginning sure it was probably lust... but I think from both sides it developed into at least more than that. It's been far too long to still be lust and for her to get jealous when I have girls around etc.

I still don't know what to do.. does anyone have any other feedback?

[dem862]

For heaven's sake, she is TAKEN. Move on. Even if she is willing to cheat on her boyfriend, it would just add needless drama to your life. You had your chance, and yes you blew it. Take it as a learning experience. If you value this group of friends (which is a weird concept, they are friends, why are they a group? Do they share a single mind?) , then you need to either be single or find a new woman to bring into the group as your dating partner. And I know good relationships are hard to find, which is why being single is always an option until you do.

[Wakeup]

I honestly disagree with it being lust at this point. At the beginning sure it was probably lust... but I think from both sides it developed into at least more than that. It's been far too long to still be lust and for her to get jealous when I have girls around etc.

I still don't know what to do.. does anyone have any other feedback?

Why would you be so silly as to hang out one on one with a girl YOU KNEW was already in a relationship? One, you enabled her to emotionally cheat on her boyfriend. Two; you allowed yourself to become infatuated with her when you knew she wasn't available to be infatuated to and three, Even if she broke up with him, you are the rebound and what happened to you more times then not, happens to the rebound.

Learn from this so you're not so cavalier again in the future with your own emotional health... and do the mental work you need to do to cleanse her from your thoughts and wants.

Its inappropriate to hang out one-on-one with opposite sex friends who are in a relationship or when you are in one for this very reason... Unintentional emotional connection and BS.

[Darrow]

I appreciate the brutal honesty.

As much as it might come across differently.. I'm not a home-wrecker and never wanted to be. It's unfortunate when you develop feelings for someone, it's hard to feel differently.

[Wakeup]

Snipped... sorry got two different posts mixed up. O.o