Couple split up over stress

[Wakeup]

My goal is still to talk to her in person to ask that she come to at least one counselling session. If that means she comes "for me" or "for her" or "for us" is up to her, but I'd like to get her there at least once so we can figure out where we stand.

I'm a realist so I'm not going to apologize for what I'm about to say but I will say I'm sorry that this is happening to you... Anyway: After that conversation with her it's pretty clear where you two stand. Good lord, confused I'm sorry but if you have to beg someone to do something that would help to get you back together then they aren't to bothered about the relationship ending and just want to get on with their life as a single.

You're going to ask her anyway (if she actually is kind enough to give you the opportunity) but do yourself a favor and if she says no, don't force the issue. You will just be reinforcing it in her mind that she absolutely did the right thing to leave your (evident) need to control.

One more attempt and then I'd think it would be you time to accept so that YOU can start to heal and enjoy your singlehood as well. The pain eases with time and how convicted you are to getting to the stage of indifference will make that time shorter.

[smackie9]

You don't know where you stand or refuse to see it, while she knows where she stands, and that is she is not interested in reconciling with you, she is done with it. So she is going to keep canceling out on you every time you ask her to have a "talk". The more you push the more she is going to push back, and avoid you. She doesn't want to go there anymore.

[Confused8]

I understand guys, it's getting clearer every day...

[Confused8]

Over 3 weeks have passed and I have my answer. We actually talked for 3 hours last night. It’s an incredibly weird feeling, because we were both civil and open and honest, but of course that she made this choice still hurts.

She doesn’t know what she wants, but she knows it isn’t me right now. She might want to travel the world to work and see the sights. A classmate put a bug in her ear that she’s moving to Calgary to work a minimum wage job “just because.” I asked if she realized how much rent was. She said “no, and that’s why she’s brave for going.” I don’t know if she (my ex) wants to go to Calgary, but that discussion kind of defined the rest of our discussion, since I’m the rational guy who asks questions before doing things like that.

She said she actually questioned the relationship only a few months into it: when I was gone for a week visiting my family she started questioning if everything was going too fast, if this is what she wanted, where we were going, etc. She said every few months she would push that thought into the back of her head, thinking that getting engaged, getting married, etc. would change things.

She felt there wasn’t enough time away from her previous relationship before getting into this one. She felt she couldn’t use drugs, because even with the ambiguity she knew I wasn’t comfortable with it. She says she’s never had the opportunity to “find herself” but felt that she was only getting farther away from who she (thinks she) is: she wants to be independent, on her own, and find herself.

Her poor self esteem is still showing through: she said she’s upset with herself because she was set to get married, be stable, and eventually have kids. She doesn’t feel like she’ll ever find another guy who will do that for her, and she doesn’t feel like she deserves it. Her mom and friends have told her she’s making a mistake, and that the least she could do was counselling to figure out what could be worked on. She admitted counselling “probably would” help, but said she was “tired” and didn’t feel like she had to “try” any longer.

She has feminine medical issues that prevent/limit what we can do sexually. To me, I thought giving her space to work those issues out was the right thing to do, meaning sometimes we’d only have sex 2 or 3 times a month. But for her, she wanted me to be more assertive and aggressive, more spontaneous with sex, etc.

Like I said, she doesn’t know what she wants, so she wants to be ‘free’ to find herself and figure it out. In the end, she said we became more like best friends or roommates than a couple. She left the door half open, saying she wants to get herself stabilized and then “we’ll see what happens.” I was non-committal and said I wouldn’t be waiting, whatever happens happens. It’s friggin confusing that she would put herself through chaos to become stable after leaving a stable situation (me). A small part of me (yeah, hopelessly optimistic, whatever) still thinks she’ll break down some way through all of this and realize the mistake she’s made. But I won’t be waiting forever.

It’s a very weird feeling to be told that you could have given her “everything” but that it still wasn’t enough. I really appreciate everyone’s support and will still be checking in to offer my comments.

[smackie9]

She's gonna hate those Calgary winters......

[Confused8]

Well, I figure I should provide an update on what’s happened over these past 7 weeks. Her graduation day has come and passed. The last of her things will be moved out this weekend.

She’s initiated most of the contact, which is good (or so I’ve read). Usually it’s been texts from her asking when she can call. I’ll wait a while then give her a time. It starts out asking when she can come pick up a few things, but then we’ll stray into talking about how our cat is doing, what we were doing at school/work, etc. We’ve talked almost once a week and probably seen each other 4 or 5 times in the past 7 weeks.

On her grad day I told her congratulations and hoped her day went well. She said thank you and that she couldn’t have done it without me. This really has me confused because (I think) it’s true and it’s a thoughtful thing to say that I wouldn’t expect from an ex. Or maybe she’s just being polite? What’s your reading into it?

[basilandthyme]

On her grad day I told her congratulations and hoped her day went well. She said thank you and that she couldn’t have done it without me. This really has me confused because (I think) it’s true and it’s a thoughtful thing to say that I wouldn’t expect from an ex. Or maybe she’s just being polite? What’s your reading into it?

It's exactly what it sounds like: an acknowledgement that you were an amazing help.

Being an ex partner doesn't mean that we forget the good times, nor does it mean that we can't appreciate what that person has done for us. We can do all of that while still knowing that we can't return because of all the negatives

[Wakeup]

After all this time you're still hoping and you've failed to accept that her picking up her things from your house does not constitute you "seeing one another five times." It just means it took her five times to get everything so she can start her new life. Any "mother" will ask how her children are doing when they are in the custody of their father so don't read too much into her wondering how her cat's doing either. Her initiation the conversation everytime is not the "good thing" you're reading into it either. She had to contact you to make arrangements to retrieve her stuff. Nothing more, nothing less and she was being amicable with her inquiries.

Honey: Get on with getting over her. Its time you started to take back your emotional health and to stop putting it in her indifferent hands. I'm sorry you're hurting but acceptance is going to help you to heal.

[surfhb]

This is why I hate seeing younger 20 something's getting married and exactly why most those marriages fail

Good luck OP.... You'll get over this soon enough

[Confused8]

Well, what great timing this has been!

I got a drunk call from her last night. This is one confused girl.

She repeated what she’s already said several times: that she was bored, she felt tied down, she felt like she was holding me back, she wants to do drugs, and she just wants to be single and ‘free’ for a while before figuring out where she wanted to go in life. She’s already been kicked out of one place and is already living in her second. She’s been doing drugs and clubbing every night and loves it.

- - - Updated - - -

Then she got into apologizing, crying and saying she was sorry she had to do this to me. She said she has daddy issues and is really messed up and unstable right now (her words). She again repeated how great it was being with me and how thankful she was for everything I had done for her.

[surfhb]

Well, what great timing this has been!

I got a drunk call from her last night. This is one confused girl.

She repeated what she’s already said several times: that she was bored, she felt tied down, she felt like she was holding me back, she wants to do drugs, and she just wants to be single and ‘free’ for a while before figuring out where she wanted to go in life. She’s already been kicked out of one place and is already living in her second. She’s been doing drugs and clubbing every night and loves it.

- - - Updated - - -

Then she got into apologizing, crying and saying she was sorry she had to do this to me. She said she has daddy issues and is really messed up and unstable right now (her words). She again repeated how great it was being with me and how thankful she was for everything I had done for her.

You need to seriously gather your shit and not contact her anymore my friend....not not fair to her or you

[Wakeup]

I'm not sure if I think its "sad" or "pathetic" how you allow her to keep contacting you.

[TablesandChairs]

I can understand how hard it is to go from plans of marriage to nothing. I can also understand if you're feeling used - like someone's stepping stone for getting their life back on track. But anyone who can easily trade you in for some partying and drugs is not 'the' one so you've dodged a bullet. Hard as it might be, try to cease contact - it'll give her the message that if she wants you out of her life, then that's what she'll get, completely. She may regret it - a lot of women have difficulty finding 'stable' partners who actually want to build a future so I don't think you'll be single for a very long time.

[michelle23]

The girl has issues. Shes dysfunctional. You grew up and healed after the dysfunction in your life-she didn't. You don't want that (you want stable) so you should be marrying a stable woman who has her shit together

There is someone better out there for you. Take your time to get over her, accept its over, cut contact, work on healing and then start dating again

Your lucky you didn't marry this one. Shes immature and not ready for a commitment. Her self esteem is so low-its gonna take a miracle for her to find happieness.

Nothing will ever be good enough for her unless she learns to be happy on her own within herself and shes the only person who can fix her