Can men and women just be friends?

[michelle23]

All I have to say is that you can't apply the same formula to everyone.

Most people would probably cut their nails when they get long, but not everyone. Same same.

You have a lot to learn. And if you have no boundaries for your bf and no problem with all his attractive female friends who he watches films with at their house or texts all night or meets them alone for dinner or calls them instead of you when he needs someone to confide in or if his car breaks down or cuddles when she cries or tells her shes beautiful when she says shes fat or wants to hang with her alone and makes you feel unwelcome or when he leaves you for her when she finally dumps her bf and tells him she likes him-you will learn a lot faster than you think.

[Vertigo]

The question asked "Can men and women just be friends?"

Your answer is only somewhat valid if the OP defined friendship as the type you are describing (showing up and being there for someone at 3am etc). You see, i would do that for only VERY close friends (girls or guys) but probably not for most casual friends. But they're still friends.

And Im clearly in the minority in this opinion, but I am not so cynical as to think everyone thinks with their dicks all the time. I for example have a very low sex drive as are MANY others which makes friendship with other sex's fine. Not everyone cares about relationships in the love sense. People hold friendships to very high value too. Sure, some people end up falling for others like you guys apparently seem to have personally observed, but SOME people don't. How can you claim there are no such thing as males and females being friends in 7 billion people?? Thats beyond ridiculous.

[Archie]

No, just no.
Unless the guy is gay.. no... Nu-uh. Not gonna happen.
Or the girl is so unatractive that the guy would never even dream about them two together.
Nope, nope, nope.

[Wakeup]

And Im clearly in the minority in this opinion, but I am not so cynical as to think everyone thinks with their dicks all the time.

This is not only about sex and thinking with one's dick. It's about emotional affairs{ that occur and have so many times just by going by what happens in these forums as well as online advisers giving councel about this very subject)that drive a wedge between the connection that the primary partners once enjoyed ` which kept them happy and bonded as a couple.

I for example have a very low sex drive as are MANY others which makes friendship with other sex's fine.

Once again you are forgetting emotional affairs and dependence on your "friend" that becomes inappropriate and disrespectful to your partner.

Not everyone cares about relationships in the love sense. People hold friendships to very high value too. Sure, some people end up falling for others like you guys apparently seem to have personally observed,

Being well read and much older then you helps see things more clearly then what you're seeing. Have you ever had a long term, committed relationship with someone and you doing one-on-one date like activities was fine with your SIGNIFICANT other?

but SOME people don't.

Once again its not about finding out if you will or you won't, it's about leaving yourself open to it which makes the chance of it "will" happen much greater then it "won't" It's called personal boundaries and having respect for your partner.

How can you claim there are no such thing as males and females being friends in 7 billion people?? Thats beyond ridiculous.

I haven't claimed that there is 'no such thing' I've claimed that it is disrespectful and it crosses a very fundamental relationship boundary to be hanging out one-on-one doing date like activities with your opposite sex friend when you are in a relationship. The dynamic of your friendship should change once you are in relationship to include your partner into your friendship and not exclude them while you "date" your buddy. O.O

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... and after all that I apologize for mistakenly answering something that wasn't address to me but since I took so much trouble to do it... I'm not going to delete it.

[TheEvilJester]

I know this puts me in the minority as well, but I agree in large part with Vertigo. I mean, I definitely think it is rare. Especially for guys. I'm a guy, but even I think guys in general are frigging pigs. So, yes, it is rare, but I still don't think it is as black and white as some of you seem to feel. As long as there are appropriate boundaries, I don't see how there is any problem with it. For one example, friends of opposite genders shouldn't necessarily be cuddling each other. That, to me, would cross a boundary that makes the relationship seem more than just friends. If one or both of them are in a relationship, they shouldn't spend large amounts of time one on one, or text/call/talk all day. Likewise, then they also shouldn't constantly confide in each other with their problems instead of talking to their actual significant other. There are a lot of important boundaries like that, but I still think it is a bit extreme to think of it so black and white.

I, for one, certainly can be and have been just friends with women. For the record, that doesn't even have to mean I don't find them attractive. I can find them very attractive, but just for one reason or another a relationship between us isn't in the cards. Maybe she isn't my type, or she's already in a relationship, or whatever the case may be. I do not hang around with female "friends" who I am secretly hoping eventually break up with their boyfriends so I can move in. That is a waste of my time. So, if I am "just friends" with a girl, I am JUST FRIENDS with her. But, I know that does put me in the very small minority.

The question asked "Can men and women just be friends?"

Your answer is only somewhat valid if the OP defined friendship as the type you are describing (showing up and being there for someone at 3am etc). You see, i would do that for only VERY close friends (girls or guys) but probably not for most casual friends. But they're still friends.

And Im clearly in the minority in this opinion, but I am not so cynical as to think everyone thinks with their dicks all the time. I for example have a very low sex drive as are MANY others which makes friendship with other sex's fine. Not everyone cares about relationships in the love sense. People hold friendships to very high value too. Sure, some people end up falling for others like you guys apparently seem to have personally observed, but SOME people don't. How can you claim there are no such thing as males and females being friends in 7 billion people?? Thats beyond ridiculous.

Jeez! Vertigo, why can't I meet women like you near me? LOL!

[Wakeup]

Evil: Have you ever been in a relationship of any seriousness, that is considered long term and kept having one-on-one time doing date like activities with your friend and your Significant Other wasn't having any trouble with that dynamic?

You keep saying you don't think there is anything wrong with it but have you ever had experience where there was something wrong with it as a couple or have all your gf's of the romantic kind been spending one-on-one alone time with their male friends and so she didn't have a problem with you doing it.

It's "perfectly fine" to have opposite sex friends but the dynamic of that friendship has to change out of respect once you have a romantic partner. You will find that there are many, many women that wouldn't even have anything of substance to do with you if you have a friend that you'd go out with while you left her behind.

Bottom line: Yes, men and women can be friends but the dynamics of their friendship, out of respect for the sanctity of your union, should be changed to include your SO and to stop hanging out one-on-one.

Jeez! Vertigo, why can't I meet women like you near me? LOL!

She has a low sex drive, careful what you wish for.

[TheEvilJester]

Wakeup, I know I can be very wordy, but did you read my whole post? Because with what you said, you and I don't seem to disagree all that much.

Having constant one on one "date-like" activities with a friend of the opposite gender while in a relationship is one of the things I consider a no-no. I even said as much. I suppose it is somewhat okay if/when neither of you is in a relationship, but as soon as one of you is, then it is not. When one or both of you is in a relationship, the friendship dynamic would definitely have to change. There need to be important boundaries that must be maintained and respected. I just don't necessarily think it is completely un-doable. Though... again, most men are pigs. So, I'm sure in most cases it is pretty difficult. LOL!

She has a low sex drive, careful what you wish for.

... Yeah..... That's actually one of the reasons I said it.

[dontaskme]

I have a male friend since grade school who is in a long term relationship and I am in a long term relationship as well and my friend and I spend alone time together just as platonic friends. Nothing more, nothing less. His GF is not jealous and my BF is not jealous. He is as ugly as hell so there is nothing to be jealous about.

It's all about establishing boundaries and making sure to respect each others partner.

[Wakeup]

Wakeup, I know I can be very wordy, but did you read my whole post?

Yes I read your whole post and that's why I'm countering it. One of the things you and I don't agree with is you're using the words "constantly hanging out" one on one isn't good whereas I'm saying doing it "at all" isn't good.

Here is what you're saying:

Having constant one on one "date-like" activities with a friend of the opposite gender while in a relationship is one of the things I consider a no-no.

Not sure what you're meaning when you say the following regarding her low sex drive:

... Yeah..... That's actually one of the reasons I said it.

So are you with a low sex drive as well then? Is that what you mean by that ^^^ statement?

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I have a male friend since grade school who is in a long term relationship and I am in a long term relationship as well and my friend and I spend alone time together just as platonic friends. Nothing more, nothing less. His GF is not jealous and my BF is not jealous. He is as ugly as hell so there is nothing to be jealous about.

It's all about establishing boundaries and making sure to respect each others partner.

lmao... you trust him because he's ugly and you don't think anyone else would have him. ???

Anyway, this has nothing to do with trust as it's been pointed out 1000 times in this forum. It has everything to do with respect. Hanging out with another person of the opposite sex alone without your partner is not respecting them. However: You are both equally not respecting (IMO) one another by hanging out alone with your OSF so at least you're on the same page. Usually that is the only time that it doesn't cause relationship problems when neither of you wants to give up your alone time with your "friend."

Your bf may be ugly in looks (that would be subjective of course) but there are many of unintended attractions that have grown by spending time one on one with a "friend."

[dontaskme]

No my BF is not ugly, my friend is. His GF is fine with it and my BF is okay with it. He's like my brother. We've met each other way before I have met my BF and he had met his GF. There is no disrespect here. Not everyone who hangs out with a male friend ends up having emotional affair.

That seems to be the consensus here but there are situations where that is not the case at all. Everything has to be taken on a case to case basis.

[surfhb]

No my BF is not ugly, my friend is. His GF is fine with it and my BF is okay with it. He's like my brother. We've met each other way before I have met my BF and he had met his GF. There is no disrespect here. Not everyone who hangs out with a male friend ends up having emotional affair.

That seems to be the consensus here but there are situations where that is not the case at all. Everything has to be taken on a case to case basis.

Of course....these are generalization.

So to sum up... GENERALLY, men and women don't have consistent, purely platonic friendship.

[Vertigo]

I fail to see how I can sustain this argument if people are going to continually play the "Im older than you" "I am well read" cards as if anyone else YOUNGER must be
A) Dumber
B) False experiences
C) Just f-ck right off because anything you sayis rubbish

Come on. Thats a bit of a low blow. Older =/= wiser.

And my mention of sex drives is a point to suggest that intimacy is not always a factor for all. Ever heard of the asexual spectrum? Poor form to take that as an opportunity to ridicule of me & the other user (EvilJester).

Secondly, the problem here is our definitions of friendship. You say friendship = cuddling, latenight dates. What about friendship = being there to talk? If they need support for a cause? Financial support? THAT IS ALL FRIENDSHIP.

You act as though "ugly" people dont account for the stats when firstly, "ugly" people (subjective term) ARE STILL PEOPLE. Who as youve stated DO HAVE platonic relationships.

[michelle23]

A lot of you are missing the point. Most affairs are not even about sex or "thinking with their dick" or "men being pigs". Affairs are emotional. Men get emotionally attached to women who "understand" them and who "they can confide in". They also get attached to women who are "vulnerable" and women who "lean on them for emotional support"

This is what we are talking about. Affairs usually start from friendship particularly when a couple is not connecting emotionally and one of you leans on someone else. Or there could be nothing wrong with your relationship-and another women leans on him for support.

Its so complicated and our emotions are so complicated that it can happen without the person even knowing they are doing something wrong until its too late.

Research it in detail. Make your own conclusions

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As for asexual relationships-i watched a documentary on it. In the end he decides to at least try to have a sexual relationship with someone because he was getting confused by the lack of boundaries with all his close friends. He realized that there was no real difference between his friends and his gf. He also decided to cut back the emotional intimacy with a lot of his friends as it was too complicated and he felt v uncertain/confused

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And men and women can be friends who talk occasionally-hang out in a group sometimes-not daily and no intimate personal chats or date like activities.

Vertigo we have seen so many relationships destroyed by emotional affairs. Unless you have some boundaries and aim to protect yourself/your relationship than it will happen to you. Your bf will either cheat on you or you will cheat on him

Even searock (one of the most honest, loyal, moral person here) has had an emotional affair with her now bf. They both dumped their exes for each other. I told her be careful he doesn't do the same thing to her.. shes learned from it-i hope he has too not to let it happen again

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And it has nothing to do with looks either. "Ugly" people find love all the time

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And for women who have a "low sex drive" find a man who also has one or buy some vitamins to increase your libido coz sex is a relationship "need" that must be met in order for it to grow, thrive and stay fresh. Again not because men are "dogs" but because without it-they think you don't love them or find them attractive and that rejection on a regular basis can/does crush his self esteem.

If I was a man-i wouldn't date a girl with a low sex drive. As a woman I wouldn't stay with a man who is lazy, selfish or bad in bed.. and if he went off sex permanently-im out

[TablesandChairs]

When we say 'boundaries', we might think of a jail - you're in a cage and confined by certain factors. In truth, relationships are a bit of a jail - bad relationships are the whole prison, good relationships are just a few steel bars here and there.

Let me explain better; if you want to be free to do whatever you want/with whom ever you want/whenever you want, then you either need to be single or find a partner who is very accommodating and shares the same views.

Most of the women I know would not be okay with their partner going on pseudo one-on-one dates or sleepovers with female friends. It raises concern and sparks justified anxieties. The right person will not make you feel like you're in a prison with no way out...they will give you the freedom you need within certain boundaries that among experienced people don't even need to be said - it's just obvious.

I have no problem with my partner having lunch/coffee with a female friend, for example...no big deal, he has long-time friends that I wouldn't dream of cutting him off from because it's not necessary or nice. But I would draw the line at dinner and a movie, spending time with them at their house alone for x amount of time, insistent texting and so forth.

[michelle23]

I think its just common sense. Some people don't even need experience to know this. I met my bf at 19. At the time I had a male friend who used to text me a lot and we would hang out regularly-go for drinks with other friends. I introduced my bf and we all went for a drink together, the texting stopped as I didn't feel comfortable with it and I never hung out with him alone again.. all this without my bf asking me to do any of it