I push him away...

[Annabell]

I need an advice. One year ago I met my american boyfriend. I am european and used to study in the US. We fell in love really hard and spent so much time together. Things seemed to be to perfect to be true. After one months I told my mom this is the guy I am going to marry one day. After a few months then I had to go back to europe for three months to get a new visa. The goodbye was a heartbreak but we told each other it was only for a short time. The first weeks of me being away were ok. We talked daily, exchanged text messages and so on. I always had very bad problems with trusting someone and I am very controlling too. When I was with him things where fine but I knew the distance would be very hard for me. I ruined my last two relationships because of how unhealthy I acted. My boyfriend never gave me a reason to believe he cheated on me but I found reasons to accuse him of stupid things. I played stupid games like telling him I don’t want all of this anymore so I would get even more attention. So stupid. His calls got less because every time he called and I answered I was pissed for some stupid reason. He got so frustrated with me. And then he got the opportunity to go to nyc to follow his dream and I was so dumb to tell him not to go. He truly considered not to go but then I realized how stupid and wrong that was of me and I told him to go so he went. Saying he would be back as soon as I am back. When I was traveling back to the US my entry got denied My world broke apart. I called him from the plane telling him everything and he started to cry. It was hard because we believed we would be back together so soon and we had all these plans. From there things got worse. I was so depressed and let everything out on him. He didn’t really understand my situation and told me to get up and do something. He kinda is mad and blames me for what happened and that we can’t be together Since I left the US its been 7 months. He is still in NYC. I want him to come see me but he can’t afford it right now because his situation is not really good and he’s not very happy. Plus all that he has this annoying, like a limpet girlfriend that keeps accusing him cheating and not loving me. He kept telling me to grow up and to get over all this shit because he loves me and wants to be with me. I wish I could believe that. But I always think negative. He said he never cheated and I even offered him to have an open relationship so he could see other people because I know how hard it is without sex. But he got angry and said he will wait for me. But he became so distant. He said its because I am always negative. I am always whining and creating drama. I stalk him on Facebook and instagra so much that he blocked me on instagram because I wrote stupid comments under pictures and embarrassed him. I don’t want to do these things I am just having such a hard time to trust and I don’t know how to change that. And now he already has this wrong picture of me in his head and I wonder how long he will hold on to this and I wonder if I even can get things right again. I want him to be excited again to talk to me. I mean I know I can’t expect him to talk to me every day on such a distance but I want to be part of his life somehow. I am scared that he just keeps me warm. I m so confused. Its so hard and even when I read all this I feel like an immature psycho. I don’t want to lose this man and I want a future with him. How can I make him being into me again. Today… I woke up really early texting him and he answered right away saying he was in the movies. I went back to sleep and later I checked when he was online the last time but he wasn’t online again after he texted me. Now in my head I believe that he went to the movies with some girl and spent the night with her thats why he wasn’t online again I know that is sick. But I am just scared. And I just want to ask him right now but I know I make him angry and push him away more and more with this kind of behavior. I just want to be able to beliebe what he says. I just want to see him again. I am suffering under all and I know I am not ready to have a relationship like this this but I don’t want to let this go because it felt so special. And I truly love him. But I am wondering if he slowly stops loving me. He says he would tell me so. I don’t know what to feel and think. I don’t want to get hurt too. I need to stop pushing him away. Can I make him into me like he used to be again with this distance?

[woody]

Okay. I am an older female than you but let me tell you something. ALL WOMEN get JEALOUS. Many men too.
This is a human thing. We get insecure. It is frightening falling in love with someone because we make ourselves vulnerable, open, fragile to their every move.
but that's so beautiful.... For then comes, TRUST.
Dear young girl in love, you must get a grip on this insecurity. You are allowing it to damage and sabotage what sounds like a lovely love story.
You and this young man have embraced eachother. He is waiting for you. You have to try harder to not allow the doubts to reign; right now your allowing them to control your emotions and then your behaving badly and without enough thought or deep breaths before speaking.
Next time your heart starts thumping and you begin making 'stuff' up in your mind, fight it and fight it hard. Not easy to do but you must breath through it.
Don't sabotage your relationship with this young man because of irrational and unjust jealousy. Bide your time, get your ticket and get over to NYC...

A long time (and I mean a long time ago) I dated a man who was a major flirter. All the ladies loved him. Drove me nuts. It got so bad that one night as we were driving down a busy and slow going road, a car of women coming the opposite direction blew kisses at him with suggestive overtones. I got out of the car we were in and threw my shoe at their car. Not my proudest moment. Please don't be like I was. Granted, this relationship did not last and in hindsight, well, he was two timing.
BUT, that's not my point!
Point is, many of us sabotage a love connection via daydreaming about stuff that's not even happening. Then we get mad at them for no reason. Turn the tables and imagine how you would feel, knowing your innocent and devoted and faithful yet your significant other keeps accusing you otherwise. It is hurtful. I found my good man years later but even then, mature as I was, put him through the ringer washer and yes, he gave me space too, I figured it out and now we are well.

I imagine that's why your sweetheart seems a little distant.
You must gain some confidence.
Once again, get to NYC. and for goodness sake, next time your feeling the pang of insecurity and you feel like doing something stupid, DON'T..... because the person your hurting the most, is you. Never F___ up a true love connection.

[TablesandChairs]

Anxious thoughts hijack your brain; before you know it, you've said so many damaging things that the man who once felt nothing but love for you doesn't want to talk to you. And who could blame him. Would you want to spend a life time with someone like you? Someone who is negative, someone who accuses blindly? You can't be a tyrant in a relationship.

All people get anxious. We all get insecure. The trick is to gain control over it; to think before you speak, to reason with yourself and to consider whether what you have to say is productive and true, or damaging and pointless? Guess what? My partner is away for work; do I know for sure he's not sleeping with someone else right not? No, I can't say that with 100% certainty. But I choose to trust him because I don't have reason to believe otherwise.

Get a grip - this isn't the first relationship you've sabotaged so it's time you learn how to deal with your emotions healthily and productively. No self-respecting man is going to put up with abuse over the long-term; they might cut you some slack here and there, but ultimately no one likes being put on the stand every day, with you as the judge/jury and executioner. No one wants to spend their life placating you, denying your allegations, pleading for you to be reasonable...that's not a partnership.

Relationships go through stressful periods all the time - I understand the distance is difficult, but instead of making is easier, you make it harder. If this is what you want, you have to try harder.

[Wakeup]

All women may get jealous but they are not insane about it like you've been, Op.

And now he already has this wrong picture of me in his head

No, what he has is a true picture of who you are and that is a nutter who is unable to maintain a long distance relationship because of her insecurity inability to trust and over-the-top jealousy and paranoia as well as the feeling of NOT HAVING CONTROL.

I hope that he does you a huge life favour and breaks up with you very soon so that you can get over him and find someone in your own country who you can CONTROL (or try to).

I do hope he is smart enough to realize that this truly is who you are and unless you get help for your lack of confidence and self-esteem and need to control, you'll always be this person to all men.

Good luck, work on yourself and what ails you and learn to relax in your love instead of needing to dictate through it.

Maybe if you saw a therapist about your insecurity and psycho behaviour to help you overcome such negative things about yourself he'd sense that you're trying to change from who you are and he'd be more receptive to you again. Right now you give him no reason to believe you'll ever be any different then the crazy beeotch you've shown him you are.

[Annabell]

Thank you for this really nice words. I am not that young though anymore. I am 26 and he's 30. Im just acting like a little teenager. But I guess Ill need some professional help to get over it.

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These are some tough words but I guess you are right. I still hope though he won't break up with me and Ill find the strength to change this disgusting behavior about myself.

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Thank you. This is what I want but I slowly destroy it every day more and more. I think I will give him some space now and def work on myself.

[Wakeup]

Yes, work on You and get over this codependency and fear of not being in control. Your inability to be able to trust is at a critical level of dysfunction.

Talk to a professional who will help you to remain calm and logical in situations like this. You can start by knowing, without a doubt, that if he leaves you or if he were to cheat, then you will not die from such a happening. When you are confident in knowing that you are a prize that ANY man would be happy to have, you don't get so desperate over one thousands of miles away.

You also have to realize and accept that he's not going to remain celibate for you forever so this long distance thing has to be viewed realistically and if there is no chance of you getting a working visa then why are you continuing on in it?