Serious question about my girlfriend and our relationship.

[menameisivan]

Ok, i'm new here and you have to excuse me if my english is too bad but oh well...i'll start.

I'm a male, and have been in a serious relationship with a girl for more than 4 years. I love my girlfriend and we have never had any problems. We almost never fight and rarely have problems with each other.
Everything was going well but 1 year ago the mother of my girlfriend died. Of course, I'm trying to be fully supportive and understand that this is one of the hardest things a human being can go thru and after the first 5-6 awfull months it looked like everything was going well. She started doing sports again, socializing and almost all the little things she did before.
So far so good - now comes the "man are pigs" type of problem. What really bothers me and it doesn't really got better with the time is our sex life. For the last year we have had sex maybe like 5-6 times and half of the time it was a bit awkward and..well...not good. Now, I understand that I should give her time and I'm realy trying to do it, but i'm afraid that at some point she will just loose interest in me. She almost never touches me anymore and when I try to touch her it never works. It probably sounds really harsh, but i'm afraid that i'll loose interest too cuz as much as I don't want to admit it, i'm sure that it's slowly happening. Maybe I should give her more time but on the other hand I understand that somehow waiting too long can be a problem and sometimes it's better when the people who are close to you actually "push you".
I tried talking with her and she said that she feels awfull bcs she can't make me happy but she just feels gross and (despite me always telling her how good she looks) and just feels like there is no point in anything.
Should I just give her more time, or is time going to make things worse (since I don't feel like the "sex problem" is going to go away just with time)?
Has any of you had any similar experience?

[Leialoha1975]

Hello,

Intimacy is very very important. It's more than just sex, esp. when your in love. You have to touch and feel love ... It's a HUGE part of a relationship. I love sex with my fiancé he is the most amazing man who makes me feel "like a woman". I lost an aunt, my grandma and a lot of people who I was very close to. She does need time to grieve, and you do need to be patient. It's up to you on how long you want to stick around. Talk to her again, maybe offer counseling together?
You wont be happy if you stay in a relationship that doesn't give you ALL that you need... and don't stay with someone if you "pity" them. GOOD LUCK

[menameisivan]

Thanks for the reply. Maybe it's bcs english is not my mother language but I really doesn't only mean sex in the "I put my thing in you" kinda of way. "Intimacy" I think is the right word.
I did offer counseling but she said that she doesn't feel like it, and doesn't want to do it now. It's a pretty "tricky" (yeah, probably not the best word here) situations cuz sometimes I think that "giving her time" may not be such a great idea. I guess i'll give her more time and hope for the best. It's just that I don't want to look back after 2-3 years and relize that everything is lost and it was my fault cuz I was waiting too long.
ANybody else with a similar experience?

[Wakeup]

She needs to go see her doctor and he can help her with her apparent depression and lack of libido. When you're not feeling good about yourself (which she seems to not be) then the last thing you crave is intercourse or even bothering with other forms of intimacy.

Has she always been uninterested in sex or did this just occur after she lost her mother?

You're not married you know, if she won't do anything to help herself which in turn would help you with why you're dis-satisfied, then you would be foolish to continue on with someone that you will eventually get bored with and either cheat on her or leave her anyway so why prolong the inevitable?

Talk to her about seeing her doctor and ruling out anything physical or mental or getting help with her despondency.

Hearing about how much someone else likes having sex with their male partner isn't helping your situation any... actually DO something tangible by encouraging her to get the help she needs and if she won't, then get the strength to leave her for being incompatible with you to the point where it will never get any better but only worse.

[dem862]

If men would make a list of things they expect from a relationship, I think most would put sex and intimacy as [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1]#1[/URL] (in my honest opinion). I think most women would put it about [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=4]#4[/URL] or [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=5]#5[/URL] . I would chalk it up to the effects of testosterone and what nature intended. That being said, I think it is wise for a man to ask himself early on in the relationship if this woman were to have a tragic accident or disease and could never have sex again, would I want to stay with her. If you can honestly say yes, then you won't complain when the sex stops or slows down. If not, femalekind is going to label you as a man who uses women for sex. You may get sympathy from other men, but half the world's population is going to judge you harshly. If you don't buy into the propaganda, then withholding of intimacy is certainly justifiable grounds for ending a relationship, and there has been plenty of precedence throughout history.

[woody]

Okay. Could be that due to the loss of her Mother, mild depression may have set in and though she's slowly starting to come back to herself, the sports, the social aspect of life, all that, maybe, just maybe, her libido (sex drive) has been deflated due to other emotional trauma's.

Ginseng. Do some research and look up which type would be best for her. It has many great properties and is also great for increased sex drive.

If herbs don't work, she may be clinically depressed. Seek a Dr.
Then there's the 'pampering' theory. Every lady likes bubble baths, candlelights, dinner, massage. I could go on.

good luck. but try the ginseng; at least, look into it.

Humans need intimacy. Maybe you could talk to her.
Hope you two get your groove back.

[menameisivan]

Thanks a lot for the replies. I wrote a really long message but for some reason I got an "error" and had to re-write it. Sooo...it want be that long this time I guess.
My girl has always loved having sex and we have never had any problems before. I suggested a "doctor" but she didn't like the idea at least for now. I'm not sure if she said it in the "not now=never" or really meant it tho.
Like dem862 said - it's true - intimacy is really important for man and yes, I'd never have a serious relationship with somebody without having sex...At least for now - i'm not even 30. I realize that to many people this means that i'm an ass but oh well.
I was asking for personal experience cuz I really don't know how much is "too much". It's strictly personal, I know but is 1 year too much? Everytime I say to myself "1 year is toooooo much" I end up changing my mind after 20 minnutes.

[woody]

ONe year in a relationship with this girl or one year without sex with this person?

If it's one year without sex, yes, too much. good grief

[menameisivan]

ONe year in a relationship with this girl or one year without sex with this person?

If it's one year without sex, yes, too much. good grief

We've been together for like 4 years. 1 year not exactly without sex but maximum 6-7 times and 50% of them were kinda awkward.