Question for women -- where to look for a girlfriend

[kiterunner]

So, I'm in my 30's and I realized I've never been in a serious relationship before. I actually realized that 2 years ago, when I met a dreamgirl (I'll explain later what that means). Now this dreamgirl wasn't interested in me and she was very clear about it and, however hard that was, I had to let it go. But the thing she made me wish for was warmth and genuine caring.

Fast forward to today. I met another dreamgirl about three weeks ago. I'm quite shy and insecure when it comes to women and the fact that I'm not exactly good looking (not to my own standards anyway) doesn't help much. But the thing that terrifies me most is that girls will be completely creeped out when they learn about my practically zero experience with women. Nonetheless, I asked this new dreamgirl out and it was the perfect performance, but she said no because she is married.

What I realized, is that I stayed holed up in my lab all my life and met too few women. In fact, I'm amazed I met any dreamgirl in all that time. But since I met these ones, there must be more. So, the question is where and how to look for them? I think the good starting point is to tell people about the way I am. Maybe women who are interested in that kind of person I am will tell me in what kind of place should I look for them. Things are a little complicated for me because I live in a foreign town and I don't speak their language.

Anyway, I think the correct questions to ask the girls are:
1. What do nice single girls who look for a boyfriend who cares do when they are not at work?
2. When is it ok, and when is it not to ask said girls out?
3. Where would you like to go out on the first date with the new guy?
4. Would you run like hell if I told you I know nothing about women?

[Mathias]

It seems like you idolize women, even before you actually know them. That seems to be a core problem in how you deal with them.

Of course you're nervous - they're this ideal, and you don't like yourself very much. Work on changing that.

[kiterunner]

Thanks for the answer Mathias. I think you are mostly right. It may all come from me not liking myself too much. There is a nicer way to put it, like saying I'm a perfectionist, or something like that. I think I better explain what I mean by "dreamgirls".
The dreamgirl is someone who makes you comfortable being who you are. That was the girl I met two years ago. We are still friends, because of her always being straightforward with me. Apart from that, the dreamgirl cares about you. Another thing is that she's not afraid to tell you things to your face, or to discuss critical matters, like future plans, or previous relationships. In my case, this is very important, because generally people don't see me as the approachable type and have a hard time telling me what's on their minds. Finally, in my case, the dreamgirl gives me a reason to do better than before. That's not a quality of hers, it's just a sign I really like her. In fact, I think the most serious improvements in my life were related to the presence of one of these "dreamgirls".

Now, I do want to find a decent girlfriend. But I just don't have time for one that doesn't care or accept me. I may end up idolizing her, but it will be for a good reason.

It is true that I called that girl I met a few weeks ago dreamgirl -- it's because I wish she was. In a sense, she is because of her effect on me. But it has something to do with the way I look for these girls. My checklist, if you want. Do I like seeing her? Do I enjoy talking to her? Does she have a personality? Does she enjoy talking to me? Is she nice to me and my things?

[smackie9]

Step one...take "women" (they are women not girls) off that pedestal you have them on. They don't like anyone worshiping the ground the walk on...in fact they hate it. Second, you need to develop a social circle of friends. Women don't like loners. Women are social creatures, and like to socialize, like to go out to parties and dance. You also need to find some hobbies or interests, like playing a sport, traveling, play an instrument, take dancing or cooking lessons, whatever.....something that you can bring to the table that gives your life some substance. Lastly stop calling them dream girls. You can't possibly know what they are like until you spend lots of time getting to know them, so it's time to pull back the creepiness, and stop plunking down your feelings and plans the first time you met them. It's way too much pressure on them and make them run away.

Now once you build up some substance in your life having friends and interests, you are ready to date....that's right just date. You will not find that perfect girl right off the bat. You need to be more realistic and just go out on dates, with different "women" to get experience and to enjoy their company. Never limit yourself to just one person to go out with. Never ever say anything about your lack of experience. Skirt around the questions, but saying, You never wanted to commit before, was too busy with your career, now you feel it's time to slow down, and enjoy life more blah blah....you never have to be direct or give explicit details about anything....it's just a date. Take the pressure off yourself and be more interested when they talk about themselves.

[kiterunner]

Thanks, guys. I got a bit annoyed when I first read the replies, but now that I think of it, it sounds I had the wrong approach to these things. Better start putting some serious effort in that language class. I might get back to you next week, but for now, many thanks.

[smackie9]

Language classes is an excellent idea...this will give you the opportunity to meet others like yourself

[xpressurview]

why you hunting for them?