Drifting Towards Oblivion - Again

[SunnyDayz]

Catch 22 - if I say nothing, things continue to drift - if I say anything more, I risk looking needy and pushing her away. Why does love have to be so hard?

She and I have very different backgrounds and personalities - I'm American she is in this country only a few years. She is radically independent and successful - she has a huge social life and has a calendar booked with events on many nights. I'm much more an introvert - happy for my home life - not afraid of being social but simply not needing it as much as she does. I am a much more emotionally sensitive person and my need for regular contact , affection, emotional exchange is much higher than hers. When we are apart for periods of time, she says she misses me, but that she's fine - happy knowing we're together. I, on the other hand, feel a deep longing to see her, spend time with her, laugh and make love, do things together with (mostly her) friends or just us alone.

Our last breakup was over these differences. All her time was going to her social life, her job, her house remodeling... and though she loved me, she had little time or energy left for "us" at the end of her days. After going back and forth about these issues - with her unwilling to talk with me about these things - I finally ended the relationship. She mounted a long campaign of trying to get back together with me - sending me long emails about how she'd not understood how much she was neglecting me/us and how she had changed. She said that I hadn't been forceful enough in expressing my needs and she'd erroneously swept my concerns under the carpet.

When I finally accepted her proposal to get back together after nearly 5 months apart, she DID seem changed... things were wonderful for us for about two months... and then the drift again began to set in. She's under a ton of pressure and stress at work, and I get that... she has time for many social engagements, but little time for me... or always at the end of her day when she's exhausted and the visits are short and passionless.

Am I expecting too much from this woman? I told her that it feels like it's happening again and she says "I miss you too, but it's also fine with me how things are". Do I point out to her that she made me promise to demand more from her if I felt I wasn't getting my needs met? I tried so tonight and got back the most lukewarm responses. I never saw myself as an emotionally needy person - but I feel like the oxygen is gradually being withdrawn from the room. Maybe I'm just supposed to "get a life" and stop focusing on the fact that the woman I adore just doesn't have time for me. I feel like if I say anything more to her, I'll push her away by looking needy (which, by now, I'm starting to see, even myself).

I want her to want "us" enough to put in effort to sustain some kind of regular contact. I love her deeply and don't want to just give up... but I wonder if this cycle will just keep repeating itself endlessly.

[TheEvilJester]

My friend, I don't know you well enough to REALLY say, but from your story you do not strike me as needy in the least. It sounds to me like she has virtually NO time for you, and that is not okay at all in a relationship.

Here's the thing, though.... it sounds like she actually did put in a sincere effort. So, again, only knowing the little of the story that you've shared with us here, she strikes me as a good person. She strikes me as a sincere person who truly did not want to lose you and really did want to make an effort for you.

The problem is, it just sounds like it doesn't work for you both. Sadly, sometimes that is the way life goes. You two may otherwise be great for each other, but if this enough of a difference that you two can't meet happily in the middle, then it is enough of a reason that you may not be a good match.

I know it doesn't really make it any easier, as break-ups are always hard. But, at least you know you two really did care about each other and really did try. In the end, it just didn't work out. So, unless you two can find a way to reach a middle ground that truly makes you both happy, I would personally recommend you move on. At the same time, though, if the story you have shared with us really is the gist of it, I'd do so amicably, because it sounds like she really was sincere in wanting to be with you. It just didn't work out. Good luck, my friend. I sincerely do hope you find what you are looking for in life, be that with this girl, or somebody else in your future.

[Yanky]

She sounds like she needs someone to go home to at night, ONLY because of the socialite that you describe her as. That's why she is now putting an effort in. Two completely different people, I would move on. It sounds to me as though the her 'you' see doesn't really exist. You'll probably find that she'll move on easily too.

Once a socialite, always a socialite.

However if she wasn't much of a socialite and she was more like you (doesn't need or care much for social situations), I would say that her emotional maturity would probably be a perfect match to yours.

I can't help you out with the contact part of your relationship, but to be fair how would you know that she doesn't crave seeing and spending time with you, or making love to you?

Unfortunately though, this woman does strike me as one who would find another man in a heartbeat as this is typically the outcome of women who spend too much time in bars and clubs.

Good luck.

[TablesandChairs]

You can't change someone's core personality but...I'm an extrovert to some extent (a lot more extroverted than my partner) but he's always my priority - I have time for my friends and always will, but not if it eats into my time with him. I balance things out - if I haven't had much time for him during the week for unavoidable reasons, then I don't make plans with anyone else (or cancel them if need be) so we can spend the weekend together, or at least a big chunk of it.

It's about priorities; relationships require an investment of time.

[dontaskme]

Instead of complaining about how busy she is and has no time for you, why don't you join her in her social network and activities. Partnership is about compromise. You make it seem like it's all her fault.

In my opinion, you are needy and can only focus on your wants and needs. What about her wants and needs for you to be around her social gatherings and activities? Grow up and stop pointing the finger on your GF! Relationship is a two way street.

- - - Updated - - -

Shit, if my boyfriend is as needy as you are, I would have dumped him awhile ago.

[Yanky]

While dontaskme came across a bit strongly, she has a point.

You're putting all your needs and thoughts and desires first, and your girlfriend is paying for it. If you can't your act together and WANT to give her the attention she too deserves, set her free so that she can find someone who will.

If you're not a match, you're not a match. But her not being everything you desire doesn't mean that she's not a match. Those are your faults talking, not hers. Don't be cruel, stop wanting and thinking that something else is better while you're with her. That kinda means that you're not good enough for her.

[TheEvilJester]

Shit, if my boyfriend is as needy as you are, I would have dumped him awhile ago.

So if your boyfriend actually expected to see you once in a while you'd dump him? I mean, I don't know, maybe you and I interpreted the story a little differently. From what I read in the original post, it sounded to me like she barely had any time, if any at all, to actually dedicate to her boyfriend.

It's not needy to expect that you should actually be a priority to your significant other. I mean, if his story was that the spend almost every day together and yet he was still complaining that it wasn't enough, then I would agree. But, it sounded to me like she had virtually no time for him. How is that a relationship? How is that even a friendship?

To me, it seems the bottom line here is they are too different. Really, there is nothing wrong with the way either of them handle a relationship.... IF it works for both parties. In this case, obviously it does not. So, they probably are not the best match. No harm, no foul. Sounds like they gave it a decent, honest try. But, you can't force somebody to change, and when you try it almost never works out well.

[dontaskme]

So if your boyfriend actually expected to see you once in a while you'd dump him? I mean, I don't know, maybe you and I interpreted the story a little differently. From what I read in the original post, it sounded to me like she barely had any time, if any at all, to actually dedicate to her boyfriend.

It's not needy to expect that you should actually be a priority to your significant other. I mean, if his story was that the spend almost every day together and yet he was still complaining that it wasn't enough, then I would agree. But, it sounded to me like she had virtually no time for him. How is that a relationship? How is that even a friendship?

There's nothing more of a big turn off to women than a guy who is way to needy and expect his girlfriend's world to revolve around him. That's when couples lose their identity. It is imperative in a relationship to grow as a person individually, separate from each other and give the other person room to breath.

If you read his post carefully, all he did was bitch about his girlfriend not spending enough time with him " because of her job, social life and house remodeling". Don't you think these are legitimate reasons to occupy a person's time???

I didn't see anything from what he wrote about him trying to do something to accommodate her needs, whether it is trying to associate himself to the girlfriend's circle of friends or helping her with something. If you re-read again, the girlfriend is very independent and successful and to maintain that level of independence and success, she's going to have to network and if he is incapable of supporting her to do that, too bad for him.

She shouldn't have to change for him. If they want this to work, they have to compromise, specially him.

Don't you just love it when it's a man's turn to bitch, whine and complain?

[Yanky]

Agreed.

He's far from being the right dude for this woman. It will never work.

She'd fall in love with someone more like her with a young adventurous soul, when the right dude makes an appearance. The OP wouldn't be taken seriously for more than a few months.

He needs a reality check now because any great woman worth his time is going to face ugly judgment with the OPs current frame of mind.

Best advice I can offer is to stop thinking so highly of yourself. You're not coming across as a man who understands what it means to love and respect, to be gentle and caring. Open your eyes and try to understand what the they mean, then give any woman who gives you what you want the same in return.

Men like you can be very difficult to trust as any woman who crosses your path will question whether or not you think she's good enough and will eventually want to escape just so that she can feel confident again.

Be a man and stop dreaming, otherwise EVERY decent woman you come across you will drive away in the face of judgment and will eventually end up with a great man who deserve a decent woman, will give that woman the same in return, and they will fall in love and they will both be forever happy. It happens everyday.

Don't get too comfortable thinking your end of the stick is challenging. Women who fall victim to predators with indecent expectations and desires of other women who are better than them are those who suffer the most. The ones worth keeping are always the ones who will eventually be driven away, take up and leave and will never come back.

[TheEvilJester]

There's nothing more of a big turn off to women than a guy who is way to needy and expect his girlfriend's world to revolve around him. That's when couples lose their identity. It is imperative in a relationship to grow as a person individually, separate from each other and give the other person room to breath.

If you read his post carefully, all he did was bitch about his girlfriend not spending enough time with him " because of her job, social life and house remodeling". Don't you think these are legitimate reasons to occupy a person's time???

I didn't see anything from what he wrote about him trying to do something to accommodate her needs, whether it is trying to associate himself to the girlfriend's circle of friends or helping her with something. If you re-read again, the girlfriend is very independent and successful and to maintain that level of independence and success, she's going to have to network and if he is incapable of supporting her to do that, too bad for him.

She shouldn't have to change for him. If they want this to work, they have to compromise, specially him.

And, again, perhaps we are just interpreting the story differently. Again, regardless of what he did or did not do from his end to try to help fix the problem, it sounds to me like she had virtually NO time for him. Not just little time, but practically nothing. Again, I fail to see how that is the definition of a good relationship, or even a friendship. Frankly, if it worked for both of them, then it would be just fine. It obviously very much does not work for him.

Do I think having a social life/hobbies/a job/volunteer work or anything like that is a good reason to be busy? Of course. Yet, at the same time, if you want to be in a relationship, you also have to understand that it is going to mean finding time for your significant other.

Re-reading his post, I guess you are right that he didn't necessarily say if he made any effort to meet her half way. Maybe join in on some of her social activities and stuff like that. So, he certainly could have tried to help her out by doing that. Still, she would have to also meet him half way in order for that to work, and even though she tried, she just couldn't stick to it. Again, no harm, no foul. At least she gave it an honest attempt. But they probably aren't a good match.

Mainly, I guess what I disagree on is that there is anything in the story he has shared with us thus far that makes him seem overly needy. Dunno if I am maybe interpreting the story wrong, but what I took from it was that she basically had 0 time for him. I don't see how it is "needy" to not be okay with that.