When change must happen. My advice what I'm going thru. Part 2

[MCguy]

Back on topic, talking about work related. After hoping around a little bit, trying college, trying working at a camper repair place, then and electrical company I decided to become more independent. Before moving on though, I need to go back a couple years from now.
This whole time for a four and half year span, I went on being single. No major relationships, just occasional dating time to time. Nothing ever sparked; at least I didn’t want it to. While working at an electrical company after two and half years I started hanging out with an old male friend of mine from School. We went back all the way to elementary and grew apart in middle school, and only saw each other time to time in high school. He turned out to be quite the man that an person could ask for in friendship. We were able to talk about things and relate, and enjoy doing things together. During this time one of my friends, female, which I had been talking to for a couple years, also wanted to start hanging out. I saw a few girls and had hung out a little, but it was strictly just beneficial. When July 3rd came around my old elementary friend and female friend for a couple years wanted to hang out and play video games along with few other people. She had asked if it was ok if she brought another friend and my moto was always “the more the merrier.” When she got there, her other friend ended up being another girl. A girl that I was quick to notice. She was slim, had this head of hair that seemed like it couldn’t be controlled, and such a beautiful smile. I wasn’t able to catch her eye color just yet, but only notice the curly brown hair and how beautiful she was. I quickly got nervous, though was told I didn’t show it. We played vid games together and I was quick to realize this girl might just be a good one. She had that look of innocents to her that showed to be a good girl, a keeper if you will. The night went by, but then I all the sudden realized, wait… is she even single? I quickly texted my friend that had brought her to find out more about her once they had left. Turns out she was actually asking about me also. So I got her number and we started to text each other. The following day she joined us again to go see the fireworks downtown, which might I add I’ve never done. Three days later, we ended up becoming official bf and gf. It had been over four years since I even considered such, and I was head over hills for this girl.
After dating for a couple months I can now go back to where I was earlier, remember when I talked about becoming more independent? I had an awesome nice heavy duty truck, and seeing my hours at my current job were getting short, I decided to hit the road hauling. She was very supportive in my venture of making a career of my own, possible company, and even being away from her during the week. It worked out nicely actually, she had school and work throughout the week, and weekends off. I would make sure I would make it in town so that we could do the many things together that we liked to do. During this time we had moved in together seeing we both had nowhere to go. It was all going so perfect. I know right, I’m already giving a bad vibe, and you’re hearing it right. But I’ll continue on right now with all the good stuff. Every now and then she would be able to travel with me which I loved to offer to her. We both loved camping together, watching movies together, eating together, seeing family together, and list goes on. I would always try and get her something special for those times that needed it such as anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas, and also just the because I wanted you to have this days. I wasn’t trying to buy her love by no means. She had already given it to me prior to, this was just a perk of how I am. When I reflect on my high school relationship that made it so hard to open up again, it didn’t even equate to what we had. Living together, doing everything together ect. To the point we almost acted like a married couple. Saying this though, we both did not want to be married yet while we were working on our personal goals in life. Hers was schooling, and mine was my own business. This continued on for three amazing years at least in my eyes.
I’m going to go ahead and fast forward to the most resent of times being the past few months. Due to scouting I had a really close person in my life. He was an old scout master of mine. He was getting up in age, and his health was failing quickly. Quicker than I realized at the time is what’s sad. He ended up passing away about two months ago or so and as close as he was, I wasn’t able to show how I felt. I couldn’t cry much for him, or anything. When I left the funeral home my gf asked if I had cried. I quickly answered no even though I did have a few minutes of grieving, but nowhere the amount for the feelings I had for this great man in my life. He was there for 14 years of my life, thought of me as a grandson which he never had. What I’m trying to get at is the fact of how I was unable to open up and show how I felt, to talk to someone about it. Remember I’ve always wanted to do things on my own? And I did so, not talking, not crying, just reflecting on his past and wanting to be there for his wife. These times were hard for me due to me just holding it inside and not talking. Let that be one note there.
Well a month or so later my gf had an opportunity between school to take off work and travel with me on a huge trip that we had wanted to do all year. We wanted to outdo all of our other trips to the next step and travel the western USA. It couldn’t have gone more perfect on timing. We first saw Mt. Rushmore, then Yellowstone national park, followed by Sequoia National park red woods, then vegas, hoover dam, and the beautiful Grand Canyon. Three and half weeks and we had seen all we could see, or at least wanted to see. We camped, she put up with sleeping in the truck time to time, hotel rooms here and there. It was fun and a great experience. I took most of it in as we went along, but what I truly enjoyed the most was watching her reaction. Giving her that opportunity to see such wonders is what made me feel good inside.
We found our self back and riding around showing our pictures to those who couldn’t see them online as we went along. We had also been creative in making personalized post cards as we went along for each stop and sending to our loved ones. We just wanted to share the good memories wherever we could. Life was good.
A little over a week afterwards I was having some difficultly with my dispatcher for my current job, we had gotten into it and I stepped away and was in the middle of switching companies. While switching companies in the middle of all my stress my gf had brought up to my attention that she felt as if I was no longer showing I was in love with her. That we weren’t getting anywhere and she wanted to know what we should do about it. Well I was quick to dismiss it to the side and focus on everything else going on. I didn’t focus on her and try and hear her out to see what was really wrong and this is where things begin to go downhill. After making a short trip to go sign on with this new company to lease onto with, we had sat down and tried talking. Keep in mind that I’m hard to get much out of in a situation such like this. I just wanted things to carry on as if, using her words, were la di da. I mentioned taking a break by her taking the extra room in the apartment and seeing if that separation would help any. Telling her that, look, I won’t even be home much if that’s what we need right now. She insisted that you cant have half of me, only all or nothing. She mentioned going to couples counseling and that scared the crap out of me to be honest. One money, two someone getting into my head. I was very negative about the idea. By time I finally said I would try, any hope that she might have had was gone due to me being negative about it. She took a few magnets off the fridge, had her work cloths ready for a couple days and walked out.
Just prior to her walking out I was able to get more of the truth of what was going on. I found out this whole time I had been doing a very, very, and I mean very horrible thing to her. I had never realized it before. And this is why I am now sitting here writing this long letter. She had told me that she thinks I’d be better off with someone else because she could never seem to make me happy. She was focusing on my best interest at the time saying that. It all kind of hit me fast, and I realized she was blaming herself for being the way she was, when in essence it was how I was toward her. When we would do anything, and I mean anything, I would get upset over the smallest things. I wouldn’t yell, or get abusive, but what was happening was I would then do that task myself instead of teaching her fully through something, and that showed her nothing but that she was worthless. I had been doing these small cases like this the whole relationship. Never acknowledging when I came home to a clean apartment to her, not focusing on all the good things she does do and can do. I doubted her studies in college trying to get her to figure out what she needs to do for her, instead of with her. When all this hit me, especially once she moved out, I then reflected back to so many cases of how I had done that to her. I was doing it second nature and never meaning to hurt her like that. I’d be a little upset over the fact she couldn’t ride rollercoasters, we’d go skiing and I’d force her into things she wasn’t comfortable with. I’d say in my mind “it only took me two trips skiing to be fairly good, what’s wrong with her?”. I just could never get over the fact, why can’t she be as good as. I made her cry many times skiing, couple times on our western trip, and I’m sure other times that I didn’t see. Why couldn’t I have realized this whole time what I was doing to her. She had so much love for me she pushed on thinking this was ok. She never once said anything to me that I can honestly recall. It all came down to when she just wanted to leave. She offered counseling knowing it was more on me, but didn’t want to hurt me by saying so. She probably knew I would have just locked down and not want to talk about it. I didn’t see the whole picture yet.
One begins to look back at their life and start noticing all the things that could’ve gone different. Yes no one is perfect, but there is a fine line. I was way over and didn’t know it. I explained to you what seemed to be a perfect relationship. Everyone else could see the same as if judging a book from its cover. We had a beautiful cover, stitched so nicely on the outside that no one could even notice the pages falling apart on the inside. And when I say no one, that included me. My mind was going 100mph as usual with daily life, career, my future goals, and even what I wanted for us to realize I was killing her mentally.
One of my best friends ,which has been so helpful throughout this, had a great point. He said and I quote. “Man, think about it. Let’s say if you worked at a job and tried your best, but could never seem to feel appreciated, and have your boss saying you’re not doing things right all the time, what would you do?” He was right, I would’ve left. The reality of what happened between us is, she was doing things right. She had so many things I took for granted that I didn’t allow myself to acknowledge with her. I wouldn’t reopen back up to kiss her as often as I should have, wouldn’t sleep close to her in bed, ect. Even though I loved her more than I even knew, I began to put my boarder back up. Each stone I laid, was just another reason for her to feel unwanted.
My therapist, that I’ve started going to, has helped me realize I have a boarder issue. It goes all the way back to when I was a kid to the big heartbreak in high school. Things that happen in our past, from the way were raised to everything can have a big impact on our future. It all does make sense now. I want to fix these issues I have. It’d be awesome to have her back to have a person to look at and get a progress report from. But the truth is, I was so hard on her subconsciously that I pushed her away, Most likely forever. Change is possible though, we all can do it. It’ll be rough to do something like this on my own without someone there that realizes how you were to say, “hey wait a minute, you’re doing it again”. Saying this though, I won’t give up. Whether my motivation be to become that better person for her and maybe one day win her back, or for those I love around me. Hope must be had to keep oneself going on. Have it known, that being a good guy, giving love, opening the door for a woman, trying to be polite in general, and loving to do everything together is not enough. If anything comes from this, I’d like for someone else out there not follow in my same foot prints. Maybe notice you might be doing the same and save your current relationship before it is too late. Love him or her, show that you love him or her, point out positive things not negative, support them in their decisions and goals, and strive to be that perfect someone. No one will ever be perfect, but doesn’t mean we can’t try. I was trying myself, and turns out I was doing something far worse than I could imagine. I’d never even think of hurting her in any way. Never wanted but the best for her, and this whole time I was the enemy. Don’t be the enemy.
Since she has left, I’ve started focusing on my health by walking every day. I’ve quit driving for a living and simplifying my life by going back to my old job from years ago. I’ll be getting on a routine again and be able to focus more. I’m selling big things of debt that I no longer need. After all this I can start to see how I react in situations and think things through. I want to become that positive person even after I get comfortable with them. My problem isn’t short term with people, its long term. I get comfortable with people and started becoming a critic. Yourself, other people, and especially your loved one deserves better. It’s time. Change must happen.
-MC

[MCguy]

after blaming myself I found out I was being influenced by my testosterone levels. Check out my other post, about it.