When Change must happen. My advice from what I'm going thru. Part one

[MCguy]

When change must happen
There comes a time in your life when you realize who you have been your whole life. Not exactly what you might have thought about yourself being but how some people see you. Once this happens it’s terrifying, ugly, but beautiful at the same time. You then sit down, reflect your whole life and start noticing all the things you’ve been doing. You feel sick at your stomach and hate yourself inside and out. At least that’s how I felt. I’ll tell you a little bit about my life that builds up to where I am today.
When I was discovered that I existed it came to be a little bit of a surprise. My parents didn’t really expect to have any more kids. I was honestly a miracle child if you want to see it that way. My dad and mother shortly got married after I was born. I was born into a family total of five and I made the sixth. You might start thinking a young new born brought into this world into a close knit family and the siblings being not that far in age from myself. Well this wasn’t the case. My youngest sibling was 10 years old when I was born. So I had a big gap in how I was raised and could be considered that I was an only child. My sisters disappeared from my life as I grew up, and so did my brother. I was simply way too far behind them to keep up with them.
As most married couples become more stable in life financially, my parents decided to move to a beautiful small close knit town that I was fortunate enough to live in. I don’t mean by any means were we a well off family. My dad worked long hours and so did my mother. I did get things that I wanted, but either by my mother buying it for me, or I’d work for it. I probably received more than I worked for. I was, in my mind, spoiled. I would throw fits if I didn’t get something my way. I wouldn’t necessarily get what I wanted after the fit, but I’d still do it. I showed that I hated not getting what I wanted. This was only for towards my immediate family being both dad and mom. More so toward my mother seeing I spent 80% of my youth with her while she cleaned houses. I spent very little time at a baby sitter or with other people. Always there with my mother being a momma’s boy.
Moving onto schooling. I went to a very nice small school in the town I lived in for elementary. I didn’t grow up in a metropolitan school thank goodness. I was able to go to school where little drama existed. This continued on into high school also. I heard of maybe 2 fights during high school that was even worth noting. I always steered away from such. I was the type of person that wanted to be able to talk to anyone even though I was very shy. I veered away from conflict like it was a plague. I was able to talk to just about anyone in high school even though I wasn’t even that well known by the majority. I wanted to be liked, I strived for that, yet I never did anything stupid to attract such attention. I acquired being like one person at a time. I’ve always cared about what people thought about me so I tried to think things out prior to doing anything. I would think of all the possibilities and imagine outcomes prior to anything. This helped me in my social life. Now as far as my grades, my whole life I was a borderline failing or passing. I would do just the right amount of effort to pass. If I got an A it was only due to it being band or some other easy course. I don’t recall even getting an A in gym. I graduated high school only for the fact that one teacher let me do some last minute extra credit and liked me enough to even give me that opportunity. To this day and forever I’ll remember her for doing so. I try to be grateful when a person deserves it. I was also never one to take credit for something I didn’t do. That would just eat me up inside. Moving on…
Let’s rewind back to elementary. While I was in the 5th grade right before summer break, the school had every young man in the 5th grade go to the cafeteria for a demonstration of some sort. When we got there all I remember were these guys starting fires in a school. They were using alcohol soaked cotton balls, and using flint and steel to start the fires. We were told if we went to a recruiting site that weekend, we would get our own flint and steel. I didn’t even realize what I was signing up for yet, I was just excited to do something and be part of it. So I talked to my dad and so he carried me to a city north of me where there were quite a few different groups there meeting and recruiting. What it turned out to be was not groups, it was actually troops. Scout troops to be exact. I ended up joining the local Scout troop and boy was that the best decision I’ve ever made. I was nervous, ignorant, but so excited to what it was all about. I couldn’t see an outcome yet, but knew it had to be something great. Scouting ended up being one of the most important paths in my life. It helped me build leadership skills, plan events, physical fitness, and the list goes on. Ultimately I think it did a good job at keeping me from hanging out with the wrong people. It was showing me how a young man should be and to become a great person in the future. I went all the way to become an Eagle Scout, which is the highest rank to become. There were strict guidelines and a lot of hard work to become such, and was worth every minute.
Next thing I did that helped me stay with the right crowd and keep straight was Band. That happened in the 6th grade. I started playing the trumpet and carried that all the way through High school. Concert band turned into marching band. Now that’s when things got interesting. It was physically demanding and took a lot of practice to be somewhat decent out on the field. Little errors could cost your entire band points at competitions so I strived to be perfect when it came to the marching. Now playing I lacked. I treated it just like all my other classes. I practiced just enough to be decent and to continue on being able to play. Again, minimal effort always waiting to the last minute. You might see this pattern continue on.
Being in the band also brought to me a nice surprise in life. It happened to be a girl if you haven’t already started to guess. She was, at the time, the most beautiful thing I’ve seen. She was talented, playing many instruments, smart in her studies and a very good person in general. We grew close while I was a freshman and started dating shortly after. I might add she was a grade above me. Not what a normal person would look for, but it just happened. We ended up being high school sweet hearts all the way down to the passing of notes in the hallway. Boy was I wreck and nervous when I went to ask her out. It had to be in a note. I was never good at being confident and doing something like this in person. We ended up being both first loves, first kiss, first… well everything. It became to be quite a big deal throughout high school. We never really had any problems, or at least brought them up. She went on to graduate while I was still in school and then something fell apart. When she left me I was in awe trying to find answers. I was hurt, grieved over it and couldn’t get answers. I was ignorant of what happened. There is nothing else in the world that feels as bad as losing something that seemed so great all the sudden without any answers. She was married 6 months later if that tells you anything. This breakup caused me to kind of change a little. Any other relationships that existed in high school only existed for the just because factor. I might have liked the other girls some, but it was so hard for me to open up again and let them in. Losing my first love was such darkness.
Moving on, after losing my first love there was one girl in particular that I became good friends with. She was absolutely head over hills for me. I couldn’t have asked for more at the time. We dated a little during her Senior year after I graduated, but I could never open up to her. I used her as a companion or good friend. Though any feelings might have been there, I was solid on not opening up to show them. I did just the right amount to keep her there in my fingertips, but no closer. Over time this hurt her, and I might have noticed somewhat then, but I didn’t care then. I started to become what I strived to never be, unliked. We stopped dating but kept hanging out, and I might have talked to a couple girls in the meantime also. Every time I’d do this it’d eat her alive. Once she got so mad she hit the inside of the band trailer with her fist causing her to hurt herself. I found out among many others and was quickly becoming unliked by many people. Her brother called and threatened to come to where I lived and do me harm. It settled down, but her feelings being hurt would never be repaired. We continued to still talk over the years and it happened that she ended up marrying my best friend after many years of dating. They make a beautiful couple and deserve each other in entirety. It never really hurt me that much to see them together. I knew I didn’t deserve her after all I had done to her over time. I’m just glad that today we can still talk and not hate each other. That’s one bridge I was able to rebuild. It feels good now that I think about it.
Bridges are one thing I’ve tried to maintain my whole life. It’s kind of an inside thing to me too. I’ve always loved the actual structure that a bridge is. It’s able to connect two pieces of land that may have so much distance in between, and then bring the two together as if it was meant to be naturally. Our relationships with those around us, and loved ones must always be strived on to keep these bridges strong. Might I add I ended up not being good at this from high school on.
I had an awesome motorcycle out of high school. It cost nearly $9,000 at the time. I was able to buy it due to having a job at a local company through friends of scouting. I’ve always been one to have things, want things, need things, always so needy. I’ve also always been one to always make money to be able to do such. Going in debt wasn’t the smartest thing to do that young, but I didn’t care. I had the need of Want. Always wanting to go fast, have money, spend money, show off, ect. I quickly became what I wasn’t in high school. I never did anything in high school or my life to try and get that much attention, but once I started it became addictive. I started to want perfection. My truck couldn’t be dirty, I couldn’t make mistakes that was seen by others, ect. Note keeping in mind that my whole life I did care what others thought of me earlier on, but it started to get worst now.
My first job was so much fun working at a warehouse. And the reason I want to even talk about it is to point out some conflicts in my life that started to happen work related. I was hired on through a good friend, ex scoutmaster of mine. So by doing this I didn’t go through the normal hire on application and wait game. I got in no problem and started working and learning right away. I tried to be as independent this whole time. If I had any issues I would try and figure them out on my own either through error or even sometimes hurting myself. I was always too proud to ask for help. And now that I reflect on that, I see I’ve been that way my whole life. I’ve always been hard headed and hated taking information from others. I always wanted to do it myself to be proud of myself and look good without anyone else getting the credit. Remember I hate taking credit from others and always wanted it to be simple by doing things on my own.
Well one day when I was working on taking apart a machine, that I was told to scrap, a supervisor said that I was needed on the assembly line instead due to lack of personnel. I didn’t want to stop what I was told to do. It grew really quickly into something more and the end result is that I should’ve analyzed the situation, understood that they really needed my help and should’ve done what was right. The machine I was working on could’ve waited. I just simply didn’t want to work on an assembly line at that current moment. Again back to my wants and needs. It seemed that everywhere I went I was never satisfied unless working truly alone. I believe that goes back to my youth years and also might I go ahead and add now maybe a lot of it had to do with my mother too. She was intendant, cleaning houses while no one was there to tell her what to do. I grew up with her doing that, and took it all in.

[MCguy]

After doing research, I quit blaming myself as this article suggest. I found out I had low T which caused myself to be the way I was. Check out my other post to see.