How to handle things during what MIGHT be a temporary breakup

[JFT1010]

Okay, where do I begin?

I am currently 20, and my ex is 17 (soon to be 18).

We started dating in the spring of 2013 after developing a nice friendship for two years prior. Everything went smoothly for about two months until my mother passed away later in the spring. Due to a rocky childhood, I had always relied on my mother for emotional support more so than others (my family has a long history of drug addiction, low self-esteem, and depression), but overall I am the shining light for my family; I'm nearing my degree in Journalism and have already interned for three newspapers, and I hold several jobs during the school year and summer to help pay for things myself.



This is beside the point.



Regardless, this emotional need was transferred to my girlfriend upon my mother's death, and it caused several problems that eventually festered into a nasty breakup two weeks ago.



Though we get along fantastic and have similiar goals, dreams, and amazing chemistry (both physical and emotional), this emotional krutch I had for her created a very unhealthy relationship that involved emotional abuse (on both ends but mostly mine), light physical abuse (shoved her onto a bed once and gripped her thigh tightly, which created a bruise). Yet, our relationship remained bipolar because we could go from a string of fantastic and nourishing dates one week to a slew of fights the next; this was based on my emotional problems and how I felt at any given day.



Let's get back to the present.



We have agreed to meet up two weeks from today (and a month from the breakup) for what she has aknowledged as a "date." I have sent her flowers twice in the past 2 weeks, both of which she texted me gratitude for despite our "no contact' agreement. I have also seen her mom in person a few times (her family loves me very dearly despite the problems and has opened their door for me anytime) and talked out the problems.



Here's the kicker: every single time the ex and I have made contact the past two weeks, it has been confusing. She has contacted me twice to update me on her developing writing career, and one other time to let me know she misses me and cares about me. I have taken these conversations in stride though she has prematurely cut them off everytime. The ironic part is that the times that I have contacted her have been on cordial grounds: to change the time of our date on the 7th and to let her know to bring an extra outfit for the day. Both times she has freaked out immensely and thrown around the "F**k off" or some other angry, hateful words.



I understand why she is experiencing these mood swings; our relationship ended on a night in which she kicked me out of her house for shoving her (no parents around, only brother) and I ended up drinking a half a bottle of vodka so she wouldn't let me drive (I ended up sleeping in my car). I also understand that she misses me but also feels conflicted because of my terrible actions, but it makes me nervous the way she is treating this no contact period.



Here's another update (I apologize for how unorganized this is): I have been seeking counseling and help throughout the past two weeks to get on track towards a better character who can sustain a healthy relationship. Despite the heartbreak and anxiety (Is she dating other guys? Is she going to stand me up on the 7th?), I've remained diligent to the things I've needed to change and I can honestly feel myself growing up and away from the emotional dependancy I operated under for 20 years. It is going to be a long road, but I've made the first few steps.



This is vitally important, because I know that these changes can create a very healthy, loving, and cherished relationship between the ex and I, and she aknowledges this despite the fact that she doesn't believe I can actually change. She gave me a slight benefit of the doubt by accepting our date as a romantic meeting, but I am still filled with heartbreak and anxiety. With two weeks left, I feel that the uncertainty of what is to come is going to crush me and lead me back into emotional dependancy, which will in turn cause me to break our no-contact rule and push her farther away by showing neediness.



And please; hold off on the "abuse" whistle blowing. I have never hit my ex with an object or my closed (or open) hand. She has been given bigger bruises during play wrestling with me than the size of the one on her leg following the squeeze. This is not a case of white trash wife beating, just some hurtful and destructive habits that will evolve unless I get them under control; which counseling has helped me conquer.



Is there any possible way that I can increase my chances of a happy reunion during the next two weeks? I am very open to any suggestions, support, or advice.



Thank you.

[Whisteria]

Be yourself do not change who you are, the things you learn in life will change the outcome of your own personality which is the way of nature itself. Perhaps maybe control the amount you drink next time? Show the change in yourself by what you do in your life for example, you got your job, your happy, you play sport, meet up with your friends and do the things you enjoy. You are still young at this stage and will go through a number of different phases and each person will learn differently no matter what. I am sorry for your loss, but think of the times how your mother supported you in those times you were in need. How happy she was to make you stronger and smile, in this case make her proud by striving forward for your dream! (Do not mean to offend you in any sort of way).

To remove the feeling of depression, an individual must learn to control the brain themselves rather than letting emotion run through the whole body. You can do this by practising meditation or try Tai Chi.

As for you reunion just let everything be, don't control anything. Just be happy at that time you are with her, if she goes off at you just let her know that you do not want to fight at all but just have fun with the person you enjoy being with. From there smooth things out and smile

[MCguy]

I can kind of relate to your situation. I was in a 3 year relationship where I now see was an emotionally abusive relationship. Saying this, it wasn't THAT bad as it seems, its just the little things added up to seem big. Like I wouldn't be patient enough to work with her over little things and just do them myself. There are so many situations I can look back and see where I did this. Each time I might as well have been telling her, "you're not important, you don't make me happy, I don't understand why you just don't get it, etc." I never once said you're a Dumb A** or anything that ugly. It was indirect and I was unaware. I've been this way my whole life, but it worsen the past year and half due to a hormonal imbalance. At least now I see its something fixable, and afterwards I can perfect myself more.

I envy your situation because at least she is still communicating with you. When my girl left, she shut the door. She did the no contact rule and wont even sit down to read a simple email I sent to her. I wrote a 6 page letter to her (hand written) and she replied with 8 sentences. This coming from a girl that I spent 3 years with, I was her first everything, she gave me her full love and did so much for me. I appreciated everything the whole time, but failed to focus on those things and focused on the negative. I didn't even know I was! As hard as it may seem. I found that one girl after 5 years of no relationships and 10% of my personality and 90% of my hormonal imbalance she left me. I wasn't abusive physically, except occasional bruise from tickling her. I treated her well taking her on trips that I never would've alone. WE camped, fished, and did everything together. Anyways this isn't about me, I'm here for you. So let me end this paragraph.

You do need to work on you, as I do need to for myself. We both need to become more happy with our self before anything else. Yes we both want our other half back like a fire wants fuel and oxygen. I would hope that we both might get what we want someday, but if we both don't fix our self first, we'll just continue to push them away. I wish you well man. We can continue to follow up on both our situations. You can read my post. It's under brokenhearts, love advice, and ask a woman labeled "lost the love of my life due to low testosterone." take care man.