The Confrontation

[mini696]

It sounds like you and me are very much alike in some respects Indi. My GF was always going out and returning home late. Even if I wanted (or did) say something about it, her reply would be its her life, she can live it how she wants. I dont have a problem with her saying that, but I would have prefered if she included me in her life. She would get up me when I talked to "her" friends even when its them calling me. There were so many double standards which she had, and nothing I did was ever right. One day I'd get in trouble for calling, the next day it would be because I didn't call.

I dropped everything for her, and eventually realised I was being used when it was convenient for her. Not my idea of a shared relationship. Even now I broke up with her she still cant see how much I love her, and repeats the same arguements, even though I have explained that her reasons are unjustified and not true.

At time I would phone her and ask if she would like to bring her daughter to my place and stay the night or just for tea. She would say no. The next time she'd say I never wanted to do anything with her when she had her daughter.

I would ask her to do something for a day/hour/whatever. She'd say I cant I have my daughter. I'd say thats not a problem, but she'd say shes sick. Then the next day I'd be accused of not wanting to do anything with her when she had her daughter.

Sorry I have a lot of pent up frustration caused by her misunderstanding me or not believing what I say.

It happens.

Mick

[independent]

I can relate, Mick. I would have liked to have been more involved, too.

As it stood, the tournaments were something HE was involved with before me. And this town is where he grew up - so he knows everyone, I dont. So I made alot of friends that way, and was happy when he finally did involve me in that.

Doing anything outside of that, such as with friends of my own, wasnt smiled upon... so I grew distant from my friends and kept my distance to an extent from new ones. It must have been noticed, because the week after he moved out - - they called up and invited me to their weekly lunch.

Anyway - same here, total misunderstanding. Very frustrating. I've shaped my whole life around this man... only to find myself twisted in an awkward and uncomfortable position.


Its okay for him to go out till 12 or 1am with friends, drinking - without calling to say so or anything. It's not okay for me to go eat dinner with an old friend of mine for an hour and a half (when there was nothing else planned or expected of me).

Blah. I'm never going to get over all of these things. I'm never going to be able to look at him and feel like we connect on any of the basic levels. We're just not on the same page. Hell, we're not even in the same library!

[independent]

p.s. Dont apologize - It kind of helps me to know I'm not the only one out there. And it helps me look at it all more logically (instead of emotionally).

[whaywardj]

I have a question, Independent: How many children do you want these days? Two?

Or three?

[independent]

two

_______________

[Rosebud]

OK Independent.. I know your havign a hard time with all of this. what is it that you are really wanting right now? Are you wanting him to be different and change so you guys can be with one another? Are you wanting to just get over all this and move on from him? I think it's important you think of what you are wanting at this very moment.

[independent]

Good question Rose. 10 days ago I might have told you I thought there was hope we could date and enjoy that. Then I was deceived, pissed, heartbroken all over again, pissed off once more... and now I just feel sort of calm.

I'm glad I had the opportunity to talk with him over the weekend about the lies and about how I felt. That did me a world of good. I cried out the rest of it on Sunday. And yesterday (Monday) I just felt oddly calm.

A strange twist - I invited him over for sex last night. 11pm (safe zone - kids are asleep), and he went home by 12. Some may say I am letting him use me... but more so I wanted to see how I felt. I had felt nothing at all the whole day, outside of maybe a sense of relief. I realized afterwards that dating was never really going to work. I also confirmed in my own mind that this feels very very familiar (my regular pattern post-relationship). And for that, it was a necessary evil.

This morning I had a really intense dream about him. It was an odd one - very detailed - in which we had reverse roles. He was working and "in charge" of details, I was floating around effortlessly enjoying the results. And then he left - walked out and left me hanging. With all of the details, and me realizing I didnt even know what the details were that needed to be tended to. I didnt even know where to start taking care of things on my own.

I woke up abruptly and wrote the entire dream down - to the last detail. I intend to analyze it and see if it tells me anything specific (outside of the obvious). I feel good today. Stronger.

What am I wanting? I want this to be over so that the restrictions in my life completely disappear, and I can begin building on relationships with people that I can TALK to, LAUGH with, and ENJOY being around. Not necessarily other men (yet), but even having friends hasnt been easy during the last two years.

[Rosebud]

OK Good, you knoww hat you want. Now you have to put the effort there to get it. You do have a hard time with closure which is why I think you invited him back last night. Almost to see if you really felt nothing to know if it was done or not. Well by feeling nothing and after crying over the weekend do you feel as though you are truly done with him? And don't want anymore contact from him? If not you still have work to do to close this. you need to find some way that you can get complete closure on this to be able to move onto the next step of getting out and making new friends.

And yes, check that dream and look into it. Colors say a lot as well!

[independent]

Well, no contact isnt a reality. It's a very small town, and we play on the same league. Not the same team, but there will be banquets and such to attend. So I need to work on closure for this, yes - but in a way that will leave me in a position so that I still dont feel restricted even running to town for errands.

I think we are at a good point in it all for me to make that move. I think we are past the emotional outbursts (both of us)... and starting to get comfortable with the separation (and realize it was best). I think if I say it right... that we can move on.

But I have to say it right - not in a way that keeps the door open.

Maybe I have a problem being the one to break it off. Which is the part I felt went back to my own issues with abandonment. I've never been the one to make that final move. Even when I was, it was very indirect and I can look back now and see that I took extra measures to make sure they didnt feel that way.

Hmm. This could be a VERY good step for me. A big one, but perhaps one that I desperately need to make (for the sake of a personal breakthrough).

[independent]

Thank you for giving me the space and time to write all of this out - and work all of this out.

[Rosebud]

No problem Independent, but I agree with you. i think this is a very good step that you have to take and I think it will help you a lot.

[whaywardj]

I completely understand inviting him by for sex for the sake of feeling what it felt like. I'm not sure he will, though. Keep alert for that coming back to bite you.

Incidentally, I've been on the receiving of that very impulse, and much of what I imagine has been your regard for him over the last days, as well. First she didn't want to be lovers with me, then she found someone else, then she lost him, then she came to me again, then she felt guilty, then she wanted to be friends, then she missed me and we had sex, then she didn't want to hurt me again, then we were friends again, then some man said something to her that made her feel as if she was in my shoes...and we had sex again. The day after she said, "Last night was what it was," and wanted to be just friends again. Then all over again in variations on a theme for about four years. I'd let the whole thing go way back at her third change of heart, deciding I wasn't going to invest any emotional wherewithal in that merry-go-round whatsoever. But, if she wanted to get laid and I was in the mood and it was convenient for me to respond, why not?

Not the kind of association I put much value on and, I'd hazard, not something your recent paramour will take in easy stride. More likely, he'll be playing the "If you don't love me why are you ****ing me?" tape over and over again in his mind. I know I did until I "got" that this lady regarded me as little more than a dildo with a head on it, with which she could have a conversation now and then...and which had the added virtue of not requiring batteries.

[indigosoul]

Isn't the worst thing about nightmares the part where you wake up screaming before you are completely awake? Terrifying rite of passage. They say that if you hit the ground before you completely awake that you can actually die for real...

[independent]

until I "got" that this lady regarded me as little more than a dildo with a head on it, with which she could have a conversation now and then...and which had the added virtue of not requiring batteries.

We dont even have conversations...

Then we laughed for a moment
And I said, "I never knew"...That you like Pina Coladas...

I love that song, Indigo

[whaywardj]

Seems as if things are going from bad to worse between you and this puppy. I see a bad moon a'risin'.