Now I'm really pissed off at him. Sorry followed by a BUT doesn't count as sorry.

[Sonrisa]

^^^ this is why guys find us annoying and nagging. we keep going and going. what, why, how, when they already put it behind them.

[Gratedwasabi]

I think you missed the part where I said this isn't even about the dresses anymore. I've given up on black long before I ever even walked into the computer room to talk.

I even told him it's not even "WHAT" anymore, it is "HOW".

I think you might need to just give up on this one. It doesn't seem like anything good will come from arguing with him further about it and maybe it's just some irrational fear of bad luck, dunno, but he doesn't seem to want to divulge.

I'm not sure what else you could do. I guess you could confront him about why he was a jerk about it, but that's probably not going to warrant a good response.

And as Son said, he's probably forgotten about it already. He probably thought it was fair for him not to want the color and you should respect that, just like he'd respect if you didn't want his dudes to be wearing wife beaters (not implying black BMs dresses = wifebeaters, just that the reaction would be on par.)

[vashti]

I think you missed the part where I said this isn't even about the dresses anymore. I've given up on black long before I ever even walked into the computer room to talk.

I even told him it's not even "WHAT" anymore, it is "HOW".

I didn't miss what you said, girl. I just don't believe it. He already told you he didn't want black, and you brought it up again. And when he expressed more vigorously that he he was opposed, you told him you would discuss it later. He reacted to YOUR insistence that this dress ordeal wasn't over. Though I find it a little bit odd that he is so interested in the dress color, I find it more so that you would so readily disregard his obviously strong feelings about it.

[girl68]

Do you realize that his first reaction was not "strong"? He claims it was, I heard nothing to that effect. He just said hmmm well I dunno about that. Then I said I'll show you pictures of nice ones. He said OK. I'm supposed to take that reaction as No, god no, hell no- never talk about it again? OKay, well then that's my bad.

And I don't take kindly to my ideas being put down in front of his family. That's disrespect- isn't it? If so, you 2 are the only ones who seem to think that reaction was alright.

[Boisdevie]

If you guys are arguing over the wedding then it would worry me

[VincenzoG91]

When I was younger, I thought that big, complicated wedding arrangements were a waste of time and an unnecessary source of stress for the couple and the families. Now I think that it's a good idea to put the relationship under some serious stress one more time before the marriage, just in case the relationship might not be strong enough to justify marriage. Better to find out now than before you walk down the aisle. Not saying that girl68's marriage is doomed or anything like that, just that it's better to face potential dealbreakers before marriage.

[vashti]

Do you realize that his first reaction was not "strong"? He claims it was, I heard nothing to that effect. He just said hmmm well I dunno about that. Then I said I'll show you pictures of nice ones. He said OK. I'm supposed to take that reaction as No, god no, hell no- never talk about it again? OKay, well then that's my bad.

And I don't take kindly to my ideas being put down in front of his family. That's disrespect- isn't it? If so, you 2 are the only ones who seem to think that reaction was alright.

Didn't you post just a day or two ago that he said he didn't want black? And here you've brought it up again? To me, that sounded like you aren't letting him have a say in his own wedding.

But maybe I am remembering this wrong, and you didn't post about it a day or two ago?

[Junket]

Tell him you'll just get married without him.

[girl68]

Didn't you post just a day or two ago that he said he didn't want black? And here you've brought it up again? To me, that sounded like you aren't letting him have a say in his own wedding.

But maybe I am remembering this wrong, and you didn't post about it a day or two ago?

The first post was about what happened AT dinner, we didn't talk about anything. This thread is about me talking to him about what happened at dinner.

[vertical_sky]

Without peering inside his head, my guess is black dresses maybe represent his anxiety over the marriage or his perceived loss of control. If he can stop you from having black dresses at the wedding, that somehow means he isn't "whipped" and can still have certain things his way, no matter how small and arbitrary they are.

That or he just REALLY hates black dresses.

Either way, strikes me as bizarre as well. You would probably be well served to focus on just his treatment of you at dinner and leave the black dress issue alone. But you're not crazy for wanting to know, I'd want to as well! (Or we're both crazy. *Deranged cackling*)

[Take2]

I would approach the stuff you have issues with now. Tell him in advance "I am not going to push black dresses on you, that's fine. But I need to discuss how that situation went and what we can do to make sure it doesn't happen again. Because my feelings are hurt and because I am sad to know that I misread your earlier response so poorly."

Then when you discuss, tell him that your need to know why is just as valid as his need to nix black dresses. Similarly, you have a need to save this type of discussion for private times, and maybe come up with a code phrase for "we can argue this later, not in front of this group of people." And then, talk to him about his preferences for the wedding, how involved does he want to be in planning and what specific needs and desires does he have for his big day. Which ones are adjustable and which feel really inmportant to him. Tell him the same, and maybe you will both be better able to avoid fights as you keep on planning?

[girl68]

It's sooo not a black dress thing, I have about 12 and worn them plenty and he loves them. Never once mentioned how much bad luck it was! LOL, and I wear them to weddings as well, never a word in edgewise... Whatever, I'm cleaning. When I'm pissed off I clean. He'll get an idea just how pissed off I am when the house is sparkling clean.

[girl68]

And then, talk to him about his preferences for the wedding, how involved does he want to be in planning and what specific needs and desires does he have for his big day. Which ones are adjustable and which feel really inmportant to him. Tell him the same, and maybe you will both be better able to avoid fights as you keep on planning?

I tired asking him (not last night) what parts are important guess what? "nothing baby, whatever you want..." and now this. You know I hope it's holiday stress, that would make this a lot easier to take. He's stressed, blew up and whatever.

[girl68]

Well... talk number 2 went better. He came in sat down and apologized. I asked if he knew why I was upset, he said he did and that he was sorry for making me look like a fool at dinner, putting down my idea, and embarrassing me that night in public. I accepted his apology of course.

Then he told me the *real* reason he was upset. It had very very little to do with black dresses. He said something to the effect that I don't seem like I listen or that he feels like I don't care about him when he's talking. And of course I do but I've failed showing him obviously. I can admit sometimes I'm not all that interested in what he's saying because it IS boring to me. Or I basically just don't understand when it gets technical. It was a lot to take in, and lot to process as I thought all this time I was actually doing quite well and didn't hear a word in edgewise, so one can only assume! Either way I got a little quiet withdrew a bit as some do when criticized. I told him though whatever the news: good or bad he has to share! I might not be smiling, but letting it fester does us both in for a fight. So he sort of agreed that he has got to speak up more and not falsely tell himself he'll get over it. This has happened more than once in fact several times. Where I did something that pisses him off and he *thinks* he can let it go or get over it but never really does. But he'd rather let it fester than have me be quiet and withdrawn if he tells me. I say that my reaction is temporary and I'll get over it but he must tell me.

And the end note for me was telling him how to properly veto if he must. He has to speak up and tell me just how not cool he is with an idea and give me a hint as to why. He can't play the nice guy and pretend like my idea might be considered when in his own head it won't be. Again I stressed I might no be pleased the moment you tell me but I also won't yell, demand, or generally be nuts. So he most certainly agreed he'd be more vocal in the future about what he likes, dislikes and WHY.

All in all we both screwed up and we'll both do a little work for the future. And there won't be beautiful black dresses rather something we can both be somewhat pleased with.

[Gratedwasabi]

And there won't be beautiful black dresses rather something we can both be somewhat pleased with.

This made me LOL. Such a womanly way of putting it, "my fantastic idea might not be happening but I guess with his input it'll be okayish." Hehehe. Glad you two talked it out. Hope you worked it out after. Winkwink.