The Friend Zone or "How the heck do you stop obsessing over someone?"

[CenterNeptune]

GirlInSameBoat
CenterNeptune . . . how are things with you now? I am in a similar situation and feeling a bit hopeless. I hate obsessing . . . keeping an eye on my computer all day / night waiting for some contact, some message that he wants to talk to me. Waking up in the middle of the night with him invading my thoughts, keeping me from having meaningful conversation with my family and friends because I seclude myself with my thoughts, waiting for contact. I know this isn't healthy and I know I need to stop, but I haven't found the strength to do so.

Hi GirlInSameBoat,

I can completely identify with this. It feels miserable, draining, and completely illogical.

I have only recently started getting over her and it feels like waking up from a bad dream. I obviously don't know much about your situation, but here's what was helpful for me.

First I had to look at the reality of the situation. I realized that I was idealizing and romanticizing what I wanted our relationship to be. In reality, I knew it was a bad fit. She was no where near as perfect in real life as she was in my head. This really didn't matter at first though. I was still obsessed, but when I started to get over it i was glad i had the logical point of view.

Avoidance would have been my next best option. She started working with me and going out in my group, so I couldn't help but see her. I'm not sure if you can avoid this guy, but constantly seeing someone does not let the obsessiveness heal that well.

Meeting someone else is also very helpful, but if you are anything like me then you probably don't want to give anyone else the time of day. Not with "him" out there.

What finally helped me was time and the limits of my pride. She confided in me that she was sleeping with a guy at work and he was a jerk. What should she do? That's when I said enough is enough. As soon as I got a little seperation from her mentally, all of her flaws started showing up in full force and I was able to kind of break free from the obsessive trance.

I realize knowing these things probably doesn't help. No advice helped me, because when you are locked in all you can think about is the person. I kept thinking if I continue hanging out with her more, she would see how great I was. I just became someone she used when she needed something and then discarded when she didn't.

I would practice all of the things mentioned, but realize that the passage of time is the only think that will probably break this thought cycle. Or if someone who is actually good for you steps into your life. I hope some of this helped. Feel free to ask any more questions if you have them.

CenterNeptune

[ebbnflow]

Hi GirlInSameBoat,

I can completely identify with this. It feels miserable, draining, and completely illogical.

I have only recently started getting over her and it feels like waking up from a bad dream. I obviously don't know much about your situation, but here's what was helpful for me.

First I had to look at the reality of the situation. I realized that I was idealizing and romanticizing what I wanted our relationship to be. In reality, I knew it was a bad fit. She was no where near as perfect in real life as she was in my head. This really didn't matter at first though. I was still obsessed, but when I started to get over it i was glad i had the logical point of view.

Avoidance would have been my next best option. She started working with me and going out in my group, so I couldn't help but see her. I'm not sure if you can avoid this guy, but constantly seeing someone does not let the obsessiveness heal that well.

Meeting someone else is also very helpful, but if you are anything like me then you probably don't want to give anyone else the time of day. Not with "him" out there.

What finally helped me was time and the limits of my pride. She confided in me that she was sleeping with a guy at work and he was a jerk. What should she do? That's when I said enough is enough. As soon as I got a little seperation from her mentally, all of her flaws started showing up in full force and I was able to kind of break free from the obsessive trance.

I realize knowing these things probably doesn't help. No advice helped me, because when you are locked in all you can think about is the person. I kept thinking if I continue hanging out with her more, she would see how great I was. I just became someone she used when she needed something and then discarded when she didn't.

I would practice all of the things mentioned, but realize that the passage of time is the only think that will probably break this thought cycle. Or if someone who is actually good for you steps into your life. I hope some of this helped. Feel free to ask any more questions if you have them.

CenterNeptune

Very thoughtful and well articulated post.

Thanks.