When should I give up fighting? (to get her back)

[jonas22]

@Poetic Partner

The time to fight is over (just like Iraq, eh?).

Well the peace had to be won did'nt it, hearts and minds? Too much investment and lives lost to move on and stop fighting, ('Mission accomplished") no?
However the reference I was making to TB and 'moving on' was in regard to stopping the enquiries and questions as to the legality and lies.
And when exactly was the time for fighting over? There was a time,but this was impossible. If the circumstances were different then I would certainly agree that, I had that chance, did'nt take and therefore, well tough.

You reiterate, other posters, 'Moving on' advice but fail to expand upon this - or are you agreeing on Agape's advice to move on based on the fact, that,"..she cheated and you purposely tried to emotionally hurt her. . . it not going to work out"?

If you insist on fighting, what are you fighting for?

'Fighting' for her to realise that it was'nt to either of our benefits for the relationship to end - like it did - at least without full consideration of the issues.
"Fighting" meaning to make an effort to save what I believe was worth saving. There is just not enough evidence to suggest that the relationship was destined to fail.

"Fight for your love", to me, means "fight for your love's happiness"

Where do these quotes come from?"

That likely means the fight is internal

?? But I did'nt say the what you quoted above - so this is rather meaningless

It means wish her well in her new relationship.

likewise - meaningless - please explain

In addition, you fail to give reason as to why it should be better to move on and/or answer directly the question what signs should I recognise from her, if at all, that there is no point to try for her

[Poetic_Partner]

Jonas,

"...Where do these quotes come from?..."
The second quote comes from me - thus "to me". I cited myself right in my post. The first quote came as a paraphrase, I thought, of your various mentions of "fighting" - cf the title you gave this thread. I never gave a citation for the first quote because it, too, came from me as a paraphrase.

Soooo, now that the sources are noted, you will, I am sure, be able to read the rest of my post. That should give you the logical justification I attempted to make. For factual justification, I'll refer to your various mentions of trying to distress her into coming back. One specific quote would be:
"...Obviously my attempts to 'win' her back or at least have a second chance are causing her some distress - I would imagine that she would not like to prolong this pain for me past a certain point..."

Right there - see the word "distress"? But wait - you don't say it's intentional. Could be collateral damage of your genuine loving attempts. Oh, wait...
"...I sent alot of 'nasty' texts, hoping to make her realise her terrible behaviour..."

Hmm - one could argue (I'm not quoting here but imagining) "I'm sorry honey - it'll never happen again." (again, the previous was not a quote) But then look at the previous quote. You are still causing distress.

Whatever the motive, you are STILL causing her "distress", by your own admission. That's not a loving thing to do.

You asked "What signal or lack of signal should I wait for?" - the answer is in your own post. You are "causing her some distress" (and this time I AM quoting). Her distress is the signal you need.

-PP

[Agape]

Wow Jonas22, all this justification . . .

In short, has there been a history or disrespect or distrust? . . . if there is then the relationship hasn't worked out in the past, and the future of this relationship is based on the foundations you're set up - I don't think it's going to work.

[jonas22]

@Agape

Wow Jonas22, all this justification . . .

Well, yes, if you're deciding to give an opinion, back it up with with perhaps more reasons how you came to that - then it might make a little more sense.

In short, has there been a history or disrespect or distrust?

You mean has there generally been a history of distrust or disrespect?
Generally speaking there has not been this history of distrust or disrespect.
But there have been instances when myself or her, have been behaving not quite as we should have done, but that is part of building a relationship and learning about each other. She's 50% Russian, I'm English - I would say normally a rel between a Russian girl/European man is just not possible - but she was also 50% Latvian and hated her Russian side. She wanted to be treated as a more as a European girl, but the Soviet hang-over and Russian mother (whose relationship with her father, involving all kinds of complex issues of distrust and love or lack of it creates so much anguish for my gf) invaded her mind and tried to dominate - therefore there is always going to be some issues that take some time to resolve - but nothing serious - that should have affected the building of a succesful rel.
There is never total trust from the beginning of a relationship.

As I've mentioned this relationship was, in my opinion reasonably fresh - even though we started living with each other, from just a few weeks of knowing each other - and unfortuanatly missing out on a normal dating/courtship process. (to recap: met her for 3 days / communication via phone/internet lasting 6 weeks / moving to her country for 10 days before moving in with her for 2 1/2 months / a break of 6 weeks / then living with her from mid-April to mid-Sept - although this can period should be thought of as only 40 days - as I was away working.)

If I had'nt been away working (from May to Sept) and not having the time and attention for her, then its highly unlikely that this situation would have occured.

Perhaps there have been situations where I have not behaved in the way that she would have wanted (but that is normal in any relationship), but I don't think this can be really thought of as disrespect. I trusted her and she had no reason to distrust me. But there is the issue where it seemed she did'nt like that I was be so trusting of her.(for example she would call me, and ask if she should wear a short skirt for work - she wanted me to say that I did'nt want her to wear a short skirt for work, but I would say instead that i didnt think it would look so professional, but I avoided saying anything about what I wanted her to do - this should be her decision - I'm not wanting to get into the habit of telling her what she should or should'nt do - she should have the common sense to know what is right or wrong, what she should or should'nt do - as it happened she actually probably had no intention to wear a short skirt - and I also probably knew this) She would do things / say things to try to make me jealous - but as I thought this to be a bit of childish game, did'nt have the time or energy for this, had the idea that this was not the way to build a relationship, did'nt understand why she thought the need to make me jealous, did'nt think I should encourage this and because I understood it was a game, did'nt react in the way that she would have preferred. Which had the effect of encouraging her to think that I did'nt care about her.

Now you may say, if I knew that this would cause distress to her, why would I do it - well, I would have hoped that she would slowly learn that she doesnt need to behave like this.

Things only started to break down - when she actually started to break down - in the last month - when she could'nt stand it anymore being away from me. I had to explain that unfortuanatly this was my work at the present time, the contracts had been organised before and this wouldnt happen the next year because I would re-organise my life now that I had a girlfriend. I did'nt realise just how much in pain she was. I thought she might be dramatising the situation and besides which she only had to wait for just a month and then I would be all hers and make up for pain that she had been going through.

The relationship did not breakdown because of distrust or disrespect.

(thanks for your input)