Your bitterness does indeed make you out to be a horrible person..
You need to breathe and clear your mind, because all this explosion of crazy emotions will get you no where. You are in a panic, but what you need to do is calm down. There is no point in reflecting of "what if" etc of the past, you have a future, and as dramatic as it all feels right now, later on it won't feel as bad, because you'll never really know what the future holds. It may be brighter and much more beautiful than you could ever imagine.