A pretty mocked up story causing desperation

[sookie6]

Although your intentions and feelings are probabaly innocent and pure, you come across as pretty intense in your feelings for her. My friendly advice is to try to tone it down a bit. The part when you state 'I don't know if I can count you as a cousin, because you're sooo much more than a cousin to me' was unecessary.

I would say you have attachment issues from all the things you have told us on the forum and the way you write to her. You're a very emotional person (are you male or female? cos your attachement seems to focus on women primarily)..I'm not saying there is something wronge with being emotional like you are but you will experience a lot of disappointments and abandonment by wearing your heart on your sleeve like you are...

Find an outlet for all these emotions: theatre, sport, a bfriend/gfriend/ a pet (!)/ a support group/ a therapist/ a priest/art/writing...

Again nothing wrong with being sensitive but people will step back if you come across as too needy and clingy...

[DavidDeAnge]

As I stated earlier I got pushed around when I were little because of the fact that I am extremely sensitive and emotional, biggest part come from the fact that I got to know that my sister is dead when I were 7 years and I had a pretty bad period were everything just went against me.
I and she know we share a part of my sister in us, especially me since I got this emotions and yes I am a Boy(not gay) just turned 18 this October but the fact that I am this way I don't know if I ever will change the way my emotions control me.
It's pretty hard to explain how much she REALLY meant to me and I were little and that will be remembered always would it happen now am I pretty sure I could forget it but all this happend when I were 7 years it's hard to forget about these things.

I know my emotions will be the difference between happiness and sadness one day and I am fully aware of that but I can never really change that only thing I can do is to tone down the consequences but to leave that behind me... I don't know how I would feel in other ways. I mean my emotions is the thing that my gf catched and liked about me - I care about the nearest friends and family and an example of that is how much I 'like' my cousin and want the best for her.

But the thing is I am not jealous about she having a boyfriend I respect that but the thing that got me sad was she didn't say it to me and even thought he read it all she still didn't say it until she said to her best friend to say it to me.
Was she scared to tell me and hurt me if she would say it? Or was it her boyfriend who said that she can't say it to me? there is many questions about that, that I want to hear from her. One of the first things I said was that I have a gf and indirectly I asked the same for her. After a discussion with her best friend she said that now I should ask her questions but it was to late, she wanted me to forget her at least until Easter.

That's why I am sad right now everything ended with a "cliffhanger" and I won't know any more details until April 2011.

Today I reached out to get help from my near friends and especially my gf is standing beside me and tries to do whatever it takes to just get me feel good again

[sookie6]

Listen I think that you're very much affected by this due partly to your youth. In the coming years you will realise that all this is drama and most people even the closest ones seldom react the way we would like or expect them to.
So what we do is we learn to shrug it off and focus on the good things. You have one extremely good thing going on with your gfriend, hold on to it and leave all this behind.

This is done, this is gone. End of the story. Anymore talking or trying to discuss the whys and hows would be perceived as shit stirring.

My advice for you in 2011: toughen up, even if it's not in your nature this is probably your challenge in this life. Life has so much worse and better for you in store, be prepared.

[DavidDeAnge]

Listen I think that you're very much affected by this due partly to your youth. In the coming years you will realise that all this is drama and most people even the closest ones seldom react the way we would like or expect them to.
So what we do is we learn to shrug it off and focus on the good things. You have one extremely good thing going on with your gfriend, hold on to it and leave all this behind.

Well you think of it my youth was shit without her and I know we grow older and everything changes thats why I will try to forget this as you say. My girlfriend really is a game changer here without her right now I would be completely lost

This is done, this is gone. End of the story. Anymore talking or trying to discuss the whys and hows would be perceived as shit stirring.

Before that happens there is things that I really need to know from her and after that this will be put in the history books and her boyfriend may feel a little angry but I hope he realizes who he have in front of him everyday.

My advice for you in 2011: toughen up, even if it's not in your nature this is probably your challenge in this life. Life has so much worse and better for you in store, be prepared.

Will try my best and make this my highest priority of my new year's resolution and after next Christmas evaluate everything and build upon it.

But all this will always be remembered every winter each year I will just try to learn to handle the pressure and sadness of my sister's death.

[SelflessnHumble]

Thing is here she count me as her brother because of the fact that the only on who helped me through the desperation being a 7 year old kid was her, she stood behind me in three years I recovered. The year after she moved to Canada and since then I havent seen her.

Now I know she will never be my sister but she was the only one to support me when no one was near. The fact that he read everything and that she lied was the crushing part of everything.

I have had depression problems many times in my life its a part of my personality and I cant change it.

Now the ages are as followed Me:18 Gf:17 Czn(1st czn - near blood):19 Bf:21
My gf truly respect the love between really close family members because she have suffered from the same things and know how it is in that situation only difference she was 10years when she got a similiar depression period.
But I still cant see the jealousy about all this okay I admit it she is the special cousin of the mass I have as cousins and she knows that and accepted it only thing he isn't getting it. I requested a call from him and he said "we'll see because as it seems right now 'we'(I) are(am) having problems with you"

Its not that I love her as my cousin and its not gf love between us its a more rare connection nearly sibling connection and she knows it but he dont get it.
I and she actually formulated the inboxes more how would you express it: romantic but she didnt hint or make any move so I could know her boyfriend was watching everything. Its not I want her as my gf butour connection is rare she knows, I know it, her sister knows it, other cousins too and they respect it but this random Bf she got doesn't seem to understand.
Thanks for the symphatie I just need him to feel the same.

Edit: Forgot to say that I have not a good social life neither did I use Fb, or msn etc until this summer when I meet my gf who is my source of inspiration. Thats why I havent exactly talked on a way that express feelings with her. Only phone calls when the my parents want to talk with them and say hi and that didn't hapoen so often maybe every 4months.

Look man...There is no other way else to say this so I'm just going to say it...

SHE does not *feel* the same way you do no matter what she "told" you. (Why?)
She was easily able to drop you like a bad habit just because her BF wanted her to. (No ONE can make someone do something unless they chose to)
She concealed your "closeness" from her BF because she didn't truly respect you NOR the relationship (evident via her actions) and avoidance.

Women love to "talk" and say how they feel but without affirmation of their feelings; they become as useless as "tits on a bull" as they say.

So...with that said I think I already know what you're going to do...
You will wait for her because you are unwilling to take responsibility for your "depression"
I don't know if you are hiding anything else that would preclude you from being well again but
based on what you have written you need to get over the fact:

(1) Your sister was gone long before you were born and
(2) It wasn't your fault, no one (esp. God) didn't punish you.

Until you face these truths you will continue to store all of
your emotions and feelings within your cousin like an investment.

You don't have to be gay (as a man) to be emotional.
It's called being effeminate.

You might even have a chemical or hormonal imbalance that makes you feel as you do
but it isn't healthy for you to carry this weight and stress inside of you as you continue to do.

The thing is when you said "should I let her go" -this sounds off to me.
She isn't "yours" and doesn't belong to you in any way despite the bond you think you have with your cousin (because she doesn't have it for you plain and simple)
You need to just understand that because she IS family: she can and will do whatever she wants, when ever she wants to do it. You have no say
AND you can't even get mad at her for her choosing to conceal your existence to her BF nor can you
be upset when she chose him over you because: you are family but not immediate family: big difference.
Non immediate family members (cousins) do not get mad when one chooses to life their life a different way no matter how sudden it appears to be.

It just sounds like you want your cake and wish to eat it too, and you cannot do this with "family."
Do you expect her to stay in touch with you every single day should she move 10,000 miles away? I don't think so, and neither should you.

You may even feel that I don't "understand" where you are coming from but guess what?
You don't seem to understand that as a NON-immediate family member she doesn't owe you anything; she doesn't owe you an explanation;
she doesn't need to affirm the bond you "thought" you had because she isn't your sister. "Like a sister" isn't: being a sister=not the same thing.

Her actions are overwhelming evidence that you cannot control your emotions and that they have overrun you with wanting answers and more from her
of which she owes you none.

It is NOT normal for your "cousin" to LIE about her having a BF.
Something doesn't sound right and this ^^^ is proof.

Are you sure you never told her; how beautiful she was; write poems for her; draw her things; give her things or write in such an eloquent manner as to "woo" her with your words?

This^^^ would make sense to me but then again your infatuation with her does NOT make sense to me.

[DavidDeAnge]

Look man...There is no other way else to say this so I'm just going to say it...

SHE does not *feel* the same way you do no matter what she "told" you. (Why?)
She was easily able to drop you like a bad habit just because her BF wanted her to. (No ONE can make someone do something unless they chose to)
She concealed your "closeness" from her BF because she didn't truly respect you NOR the relationship (evident via her actions) and avoidance.

Women love to "talk" and say how they feel but without affirmation of their feelings; they become as useless as "tits on a bull" as they say.

So...with that said I think I already know what you're going to do...
You will wait for her because you are unwilling to take responsibility for your "depression"
I don't know if you are hiding anything else that would preclude you from being well again but
based on what you have written you need to get over the fact:

(1) Your sister was gone long before you were born and
(2) It wasn't your fault, no one (esp. God) didn't punish you.

Until you face these truths you will continue to store all of
your emotions and feelings within your cousin like an investment.

You don't have to be gay (as a man) to be emotional.
It's called being effeminate.

You might even have a chemical or hormonal imbalance that makes you feel as you do
but it isn't healthy for you to carry this weight and stress inside of you as you continue to do.

The thing is when you said "should I let her go" -this sounds off to me.
She isn't "yours" and doesn't belong to you in any way despite the bond you think you have with your cousin (because she doesn't have it for you plain and simple)
You need to just understand that because she IS family: she can and will do whatever she wants, when ever she wants to do it. You have no say
AND you can't even get mad at her for her choosing to conceal your existence to her BF nor can you
be upset when she chose him over you because: you are family but not immediate family: big difference.
Non immediate family members (cousins) do not get mad when one chooses to life their life a different way no matter how sudden it appears to be.

It just sounds like you want your cake and wish to eat it too, and you cannot do this with "family."
Do you expect her to stay in touch with you every single day should she move 10,000 miles away? I don't think so, and neither should you.

You may even feel that I don't "understand" where you are coming from but guess what?
You don't seem to understand that as a NON-immediate family member she doesn't owe you anything; she doesn't owe you an explanation;
she doesn't need to affirm the bond you "thought" you had because she isn't your sister. "Like a sister" isn't: being a sister=not the same thing.

Her actions are overwhelming evidence that you cannot control your emotions and that they have overrun you with wanting answers and more from her
of which she owes you none.

It is NOT normal for your "cousin" to LIE about her having a BF.
Something doesn't sound right and this ^^^ is proof.

Are you sure you never told her; how beautiful she was; write poems for her; draw her things; give her things or write in such an eloquent manner as to "woo" her with your words?

This^^^ would make sense to me but then again your infatuation with her does NOT make sense to me.

First of really good post straight and simple.

I understand the meaning of every word you say and as sookie and you said these advices will be followed, there is plenty of things I really can't share on a public manner because of the fact that they are extremely personal.

But I think when you say I have to accept she isn't my sister is the part that is hard, it's hard because of the simple fact that she was so close to me when everything happend and I were little that makes it even harder to forget. But I will do my best to wish her luck and just move on and let everything just rest at least until I get old enough so I can forget everything maybe like 6 years.

My girlfriend will soon turn her back if I don't stop as it is that way historically so I will just drop it as good as I can and just live my life and be happy and I don't think it's infatuation or yes maybe it is but not in a manner of being something bigger than my girlfriend.

After thinking I can see that she wanted to start over when she moved so after some searching in my brain I finally get it that she wanted to forget and just be a normal cousin with me not fully erase everything but to put it aside to rest in peace, I accept that now but she could have made it more clear.

But I guess I was maybe addicted to the connection between us maybe I can use the space to increase the love I show my girlfriend to make it unforgettable.

[SelflessnHumble]

Just to put things into perspective...

The definition of Infatuation as described in the Dictionary:
Infatuation is the state of being completely carried away by unreasoned passion or love; addictive love. Usually, one is inspired with an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone.

In the case of infatuation, there is usually an obsessor and an object of desire, who may or may not be attainable.

I was maybe addicted to the connection between us maybe I can use the space to increase the love I show my girlfriend to make it unforgettable. There is plenty of things I really can't share on a public manner because of the fact that they are extremely personal.

This is completely understandable and no one will truly know (from the outside looking in) what that felt like.
Those times and memories are unique to you and this is what you are (thankfully) realizing that they are:
Just memories in time... I understand bout wanting to keep things private/personal. Just please know
that nothing is ever set in stone -and that conditions that a doctor says is one way: can be reversible in another.

But I think when you say I have to accept she isn't my sister is the part that is hard, it's hard because of the simple fact that she was so close to me when everything happened and I were little that makes it even harder to forget. But I will do my best to wish her luck and just move on and let everything just rest at least until I get old enough so I can forget everything maybe like 6 years.

I completely understand your feelings on why it feels difficult, but your girlfriend is much more
deserving to be the object of your obsession -metaphorically speaking, of course.

She needs your affirmation and I hope you can see that when a woman sees her man
give that affirmation to some other girl (a cousin, no less) she will "feel" it.
You don't even have to wish her luck...Trust me.
I will tell you a secret:
Your cousin's BF isn't a permanent thing, and in fact I can just about tell you that once
they break up (when she's finally had enough of his envy and control) she may reach out to you.

Just remember who your backbone, loyalty and priority is: your GF not your cousin.
Your cousin may even want to pick up where you left off, but I strenuously object to this
because: SHE will do this to you again when and if she has the opportunity to do so (shun you)

It hurts worse the 2nd time around trust me!

My girlfriend will soon turn her back if I don't stop as it is that way historically so I will just drop it as good as I can and just live my life and be happy and I don't think it's infatuation or yes maybe it is but not in a manner of being something bigger than my girlfriend.

And she would be in her every right to do so.
Women need attention and they don't like to compete for it.
Live your life with your GF and be thankful you have someone so loving and understanding as her...
If only your cousin could learn from your GF, right?

After thinking I can see that she wanted to start over when she moved so after some searching in my brain I finally get it that she wanted to forget and just be a normal cousin with me not fully erase everything but to put it aside to rest in peace, I accept that now but she could have made it more clear.

Memories don't get erased bud.
Over time your GF/your bond together will just overshadow your other memories
to where they won't even matter anymore and then you'll wonder where your "feelings" for your cousin went.

Acceptance is the 1st but THE most critical step in closure.
I'm so proud of you to admit it and to take that step (most people fear the most!)

Happy New Year David!

[DavidDeAnge]

I can accept all this because of the fact I owe her something back and when she begd me to just take a break first I took it hard but after some searching in my brain as I said I realize its the best. As you say I dont think a relationship holds all the times maybe theirs wont and when she comes back I will tell her everything and the fact I owe her a big favor for what she have done I will stand beside her and support her. That will be the second time and I actually disagree with you because this time I know how it feels and it will be a normal thing.

I really am proud/glad of getting on this forum and this was exactly what I needed: more opinions than only my gf's I really thank you and my cousin will realize soon that she will need to get in touch with me, after all I really know her to know she have a big heart.

I think I said that I rested a long friendship I had with a girl from the days I were born until I turned 14 when I moved and really to leave her and say good bye was something really really difficult to make, its here fb comes into play thanks to my gf I now got in touch with a big part of people I havent seen on at least 3-4years

So thank you all for everything as you know I am sensitive so before I get any guiltinees I will just thank you.

Happy new year folks, this forum may be a future favorite to inspire my relationship with my girlfriend, I certainly hope I will be able to help others with their problem after all I have been through A LOT in my life.

Ironically I think this day will be the day I sleep tight for the first time in roughly a month, I have lost 12kg thanks to the depression I literally mean I have been feeling shit and doubting on my self the last 5 weeks.
This forum together with other sources and especially my girlfriend have been the game changer from being an depressed 18 year old guy until the LAST days in 2010 when everything changes, this night I was up all the time thinking WHAT THA HELL AM I DOING to come to the conclusion that I will have to move on and put it to rest and really JUST ENJOY LIFE.

If only your cousin could learn from your GF, right?

This I really hope she get's it in her head and tries to be more mature after all I know her pretty good and I know she won't have turned her back on me infact I even predict that around summer time she will get in contact with me because I KNOW she have never liked to think that someone hate her (me)

She haves a GREAT HEART and her boyfriend will realize that in time, if he don't realize she have a big heart they will end up splitting up and I certainly won't think that is the best thing for her and she would probably blame me.

But now it's 2011 I will start from scratch 2010 was probably the most depressing year EVER, even bigger than my years as a little boy

[DavidDeAnge]

Now I am pissed her best friend is like her owl, cant my cousin just say it her self. Her best friend was like "you think you're smart guess what you ain't so just leave her alone" now I will just leave her frankly I don't care anymore about her her choice and I respect that but with that atitude 2011 will be the year I forget her for good.

She clearly don't want to talk with me but now she's getting me to the angry zone and my angry zone only comes out in extreme conditions-she didn't even say happy new year.

Ahh well to hell with her after all she lied about it she didn't want to tell me instead her best frienddro that and lastly to accuse me of being an complete idiot and just care about my self and talk shit <------ this was the last thing I wanted to hear, now the contact link is broken and it will remain that way until she realizes the truth and when she does I don't know if a apology will be enough but guess what I don't wish her anything all these friendly things and she just says I am false.

Even thought I never thought of saying this but she's a selfish **tch and to hell with her I don't care anymore do whatever u want this may have made us hate each other for life. She have a big heart but she can't clearly use it usefully.

But now 2011 even you guys said happy new year but I don't care I will just enjoy some quality time with my girlfriend.

[sookie6]

Even thought I never thought of saying this but she's a selfish **tch and to hell with her I don't care anymore do whatever u want this may have made us hate each other for life. She have a big heart but she can't clearly use it usefully.
.

I won't say anymore about this but see why your feelings for her are wrong...you go from a form of utter and passionate love to verbal abuse fueled by hatred.

Aren't you able to just forgive any kinda misunderstanding between you two, forgive and forget..?

[DavidDeAnge]

I won't say anymore about this but see why your feelings for her are wrong...you go from a form of utter and passionate love to verbal abuse fueled by hatred.

Aren't you able to just forgive any kinda misunderstanding between you two, forgive and forget..?

Well I am able to forgive but to do that I want to know why the hell she said these bad things yesterday more than I said in the post she called me some awful things and much more just because I sent her a "happy new year" sms and the thing thats funny is she actually told me that everything coming from her friend's account on facebook is actually her thoughts.

I know I will forgive her when she comes back and I certainly am 99.99% she will come back. Yesterdays evening was full of passion still and I thought for my self lets say happy new year to her, of anything she could have said she starts to talk shit about me instead of saying "you too" or anything.
The time I got to sleep my mind was full of hatred, this won't hold forever but now I feel betrayed BIG TIME and I actually aren't taking damage in fact I use it to just make our relationship with my girlfriend stronger - indirectly she is helping me here, but to leave these hatred is going to be a nut she will crack soon when she comes back.

I can promise you I will forgive her in time when both parts realizes everything but right now I can only see her as a low priority cousin if she wants it to be like old times she will and I know she loves me maybe not as much as I do but I know we will and always will have that special connectioneven. Even thought it will never come back to how it was in 2000-2003 I know it will come back to reach at least second priority in my cousins(5 scales total).

I/she will understand in some years that we did wrong but right now I can't feel anything but betrayed because of the shit and lies.

Yesterday was actually the first day I had really fun in a while thanks to family and friends but most importantly I don't know how my girlfriend is still holding on but I made a promise to her and I will keep that promise, I never break any promise I make and my cousin knows that. I do whatever it might take to just be able to not hurt someone because of my promise that has and will always be the nature in me.

With a new year comes new things and the thing with my girlfriend might get to the point when we both falls madly in love more than ever before and I really hope that because this girl is so much right, my cousin will belong to the past and with time I'll accept that, it's not that I don't love her but as she and you here said sometimes we have to move on and this move will happen with my girlfriend and she has her boyfriend to make that move, at least I know I haven't done anything really really wrong besides not showing the appreciation to my girlfriend.

[SelflessnHumble]

Well I am able to forgive but to do that I want to know why the hell she said these bad things yesterday more than I said in the post she called me some awful things and much more just because I sent her a "happy new year" sms and the thing thats funny is she actually told me that everything coming from her friend's account on facebook is actually her thoughts.

You have a right to "feel" upset dude.
BUT you don't have a right to act belligerent and insult people
just because you cannot control your emotions. That is not cool.

I told you to leave it alone. I told you that at the current moment: you aren't anything to her.
There is no discussion to be had here.

I know I will forgive her when she comes back and I certainly am 99.99% she will

Look, I gave you all of the tools...why aren't you using them???
You don't forgive someone "when they come back" or when they "realize" what they did to you was wrong!!!!
You forgive because you know she is a sad and broken individual and that this is how she is.
You don't forgive only once they ask for forgiveness! She may never address your anger/hurt, what then?

Exactly. She does not care about you! Why in the world would she wish you a Happy New Year???
You don't get it David. Besides. IF he is "monitoring" her FB the fact she is receiving more messages
from you means you didn't get the memo: AND that her BF will take it out on her for you doing so.

Let sleeping dogs lie.
It's the New Year!

I feel betrayed BIG TIME and I actually aren't taking damage in fact I use it to just make our relationship with my girlfriend stronger - indirectly she is helping me here, but to leave these hatred is going to be a nut she will crack soon when she comes back.

Feeling betrayed is highly irrational.
Your cousin does not love you in the way you feel you loved her -not even close.
In fact: You may be waiting forever for that apology or for her to come back.
You need to deal with this issue NOW and by yourself. You don't need your cousin to confirm
what I already see...She does not care about you and doesn't even need you in her life.
Whatever she "needs" her BF can provide and give her: not you.

There should never be a reason to hate someone else.
Her best friend is in no position to talk to you about your cousin but then again.
IF your cousin had cared just a little for you: she would have told you herself...
She cannot because: there are no words to tell you! SHE DOES NOT CARE.

You are doing your GF a huge disservice and if I were her I'd not want to be with you anymore
until you figured out what it is you want: A GF? or an imaginary relationship with your cousin that NEVER existed?

I can promise you I will forgive her in time when both parts realizes everything but right now I can only see her as a low priority cousin if she wants it to be like old times she will and I know she loves me maybe not as much as I do but I know we will and always will have that special connectioneven. Even thought it will never come back to how it was in 2000-2003 I know it will come back to reach at least second priority in my cousins(5 scales total).

I can promise you that this way of thinking won't last AND when you finally
reveal how you really feel (because you have already negotiated to conceal these feelings) instead of facing them...

They will be back stronger than ever. SHE should not be a priority and she DOES NOT have the connection
you think you have with her. That time and place is LONG GONE and is never coming back.

You not only remember but relive them! SHE DOES NOT.
She does not love you and once you realize this the better your life and your GF will be.

Yesterday was actually the first day I had really fun in a while thanks to family and friends but most importantly I don't know how my girlfriend is still holding on but I made a promise to her and I will keep that promise, I never break any promise I make and my cousin knows that. I do whatever it might take to just be able to not hurt someone because of my promise that has and will always be the nature in me.

(1) You say you can't feeling anything other than betrayal and lies. Do you know why?
-Because you're unable to let her go! That's why. As long as you keep these feelings: you will keep her in your "heart."
(Where your GF belongs)

(2) You just got done talking about your unbreakable promises (you made to your GF) THEN...
you say "my cousin knows that." ????????? My skin would be crawling if I was your GF and read that!!!

There is no doubt that you wrote your cousin in a manner that was inappropriate and it stands to reason
that since she didn't have the guts to tell you herself, she simply allowed her BF and her best friend to do it for her.


In all fairness David:
Sort these issues out with your "cousin."
You are short changing your GF and it is quite evident she deserves MUCH MUCH more than you are giving her.
Stop being self absorbed and self indulgent with respect to your cousin. Your GF is a blessing and she deserves
to be respected, honored and dignified as well as admired for her courage and support.

You'd better start showing this to her because she doesn't deserve this treatment
due to your misplaced anger towards your cousin.

[DavidDeAnge]

SelflessnHumble

First of this post was the best

My promises and the disscusion about it what I meant with my cousin knowing everything I do for people is because I made a promise to her 8 years ago that I would make it up everything she had done for me, I know now that this promise might be broken IF I don't leave these feelings as you said I should care about my gf more than ever before.
The disturbing thing is I really thought that what once was a unbreakable friendship between us is now over I really am happy to break this wall, only thing I want from my cousin is that she treat me not with saying bad things and talking shit - that is what she said yesterday.

I never forget anyone in fact a big part of my cousins sent me messages on fb or mobile so I thought for my self since she got these messages to(I suppose) I would not be a bad person so I sent this message I didn't want her to think I am the only one who did not sent a message.

I really hope these feelings vanish away as it stands right now I am on a good track to just understand that we don't have that special connection anymore as I said I haven't been feeling any good at all these past few weeks but yesterday was really the first time in a while when I slept well, ate well, did fun things I simply enjoyed life

^^^^^^^
All this was lost in my mind weeks ago, I even was a the hospital for doing some bad injury to my self I felt so bad that I took a break from school in 4 weeks went on therapy talked to my nearest friends and especially two girls( my gf and my former best friend) that led to me understanding slowly but safely without risks to understand that my cousin as of now will always have a plain normal cousin connection with me - nothing special because that is HISTORY and exactly that will take time for me to understand but as it stands right now I am progressing better than before after yesterday I reached the peak of how bad our friendship could go.

Because of the fact I know my cousin well even thought I have never seen her in 7 years I know things that never leaves a person that is that she cares to much pretty similar as me and after some consideration and thinking I know she did all this to not take any risks of putting my relationship with my gf to an end. I just realized that if she had just said it right out from nowhere that she haves a boyfriend and wants to end everything I would have surely been feeling more bad than this.

THIS:

Look, I gave you all of the tools...why aren't you using them???
You don't forgive someone "when they come back" or when they "realize" what they did to you was wrong!!!!
You forgive because you know she is a sad and broken individual and that this is how she is.
You don't forgive only once they ask for forgiveness! She may never address your anger/hurt, what then?

I am completely aware of this and it will take time whatever I do to understand the situation but best thing is to just start today with just putting EVERY memory to sleep and as soon as every memory is history for my brain I will know she will never be the same with me and I RESPECT THAT, after talking with the nearest I realize that I need to drop this and not forget because that would be crazy to forget what she have done for me.
BUT to let things and memories "rest in peace" and until that day comes - I hope this day is close - I'll just hang on and try to cheer up my gf before I loose her, after all this is over I will be owing her A LOT OF EXPLANATION and maybe it will sound ironic but when that day comes it will be a good day because that day is when I will start over from scratch.

(1) You say you can't feeling anything other than betrayal and lies. Do you know why?
-Because you're unable to let her go! That's why. As long as you keep these feelings: you will keep her in your "heart."
(Where your GF belongs)

When the time is right I will make this only a memory as it is now I am on a progress that 50% of the part of the feelings I had for her in my heart is gone, there is only the other part left I hope u understand what I mean.
Right now there is two feelings in my heart who is fighting my gf's and my cousin's and because of the fact that I am realizing this will forever be a memory the feelings for my gf grows stronger everyday.

It's like when it's time to change car when the time is right I will leave that car(cousin) and use the newly brought car(gf) to fulfill my needs it's not something that happens on a night this will take time I know that but to reach out on the forums have been a experience I will not forget there so much to learn from other people for that I am greatfull I found this forum.

Edit: I just got tagged on photos by my cousin where me and my cousin(the one I am talking about) is huging each other, I mean all this I really got tears to see how much we loved each other I am as of now really touched by these photos.

This confirms to me of how much a person can change and right now after seeing 10 year old photos I have to say for the first time I am accpeting it as a memory that will define my past and not my future, my future will be defined by others, the past will never he forgotten but it can certainly rest and that is the thing I ne.ed to understand

[DavidDeAnge]

At this time I am back to square one again.
After seeing these photos I got many flashbacks and when it was time to sleep the worst thing happend: I started dreaming about her I don't know what's wrong with me but these dreams occured in October too.

Right now I an completly lost and my apetite is dead and because of that I am pretty tired and off, I thought these dreams was history that after October's dreams that would be the last dreams.

As I said the depression really went so far that I went to hospital but today was different to get back these dreams, I feel bad partly because I want to forget and that I feel if my gf would know she would be sad.

[sookie6]

At this time I am back to square one again.
After seeing these photos I got many flashbacks and when it was time to sleep the worst thing happend: I started dreaming about her I don't know what's wrong with me but these dreams occured in October too.

Right now I an completly lost and my apetite is dead and because of that I am pretty tired and off, I thought these dreams was history that after October's dreams that would be the last dreams.

As I said the depression really went so far that I went to hospital but today was different to get back these dreams, I feel bad partly because I want to forget and that I feel if my gf would know she would be sad.

You need to cure this depression, go and see a therapist, talk this through, get whatever is bothering you out of your system. Until you do that you won't be able to sustain a relationship, you're not being fair on your gfriend if you rely on her for support. If this goes on she will leave and again you will blame her for creating havoc in your mind/life.

Do it now while you're young. I feel the episode of your sister's death is just the tip of the iceberg...go and see a profesional therapist. Do it!