All because I felt a bit choked?

[Journey]

Thanks everyone.
Misombra: I'm 32. She's 29. I guess it is kind of high-school-like behaviour. I've never been in this position before. There are numerous examples of her getting upset at me:

* At my company's dinner-dance, I was dancing salsa with a co-worker.
* At a restaurant I apparently 'gawked' at a waitress.
* While driving in the car once I looked at a girl on the street and she said, "I can't take this S*** - pull over." She got out of the car. But she called me back later in the day.

I think she has a temper too. When I told her recently that I wanted my space, she threw her cell phone down on the pavement and busted it. Being an 'honorable' person is a big thing for her. Its a cultural thing too I think.

At the time, these things didnt seem like much to me and I was trying to work things out. The feedback from people here helps alot because my feelings may have blinded things. The thought of having to throw the same water on fires in a marriage though is quite daunting.
My brother tells me it should have been way easier.
Journey

[vashti]

Are you guys freakin nuts? I agree with OV - she SHOULDN'T trust you. You behaved badly. Trust has to be earned, and you didn't earn it. She may be crazy, and she may be controlling, but based on what you posted here, I'd say you contributed significantly to her insecurity.

Also, why are you guys talking about marriage after only 9 months? It's no wonder you should have cold feet. It is TOO SOON. If this girl is crazy, it is merely based on the fact that she would even CONSIDER marrying a guy she's known for only 9 months.

[anachronistic]

Thanks everyone.
Misombra: I'm 32. She's 29. I guess it is kind of high-school-like behaviour. I've never been in this position before. There are numerous examples of her getting upset at me:

* At my company's dinner-dance, I was dancing salsa with a co-worker.
* At a restaurant I apparently 'gawked' at a waitress.
* While driving in the car once I looked at a girl on the street and she said, "I can't take this S*** - pull over." She got out of the car. But she called me back later in the day.

I think she has a temper too. When I told her recently that I wanted my space, she threw her cell phone down on the pavement and busted it. Being an 'honorable' person is a big thing for her. Its a cultural thing too I think.

At the time, these things didnt seem like much to me and I was trying to work things out. The feedback from people here helps alot because my feelings may have blinded things. The thought of having to throw the same water on fires in a marriage though is quite daunting.
My brother tells me it should have been way easier.
Journey

well she does have a right to be mad then. but that doesn't mean you should give her access to your email. you need to learn how to treat her, and she needs to trust you.

for heavens sake!

and yea vashti, that's wayyy too early to get married.

[Gigabitch]

Journ, your commitment issues + her insecurities = impossible relationship.

Look, when you meet The One, you'll know she's the one. You won't need your space or want to date other women. Clearly, she is not the one.

You are wasting her time. Break up with her and get on with your life.

[meh]

Excuse me, but could someone enlighten me as to why this is his fault, and how exactly he behaved badly?

Is it because he kept in touch with his exes? Or is it because an ex girlfriend that still likes him sent him "inappropriate" e-mails?

It surely can't be because he looked at a woman on the street, or at a waitress in a restaurant, because everyone does that and anyone who says they don't is lying.

[LostNotFound]

omg..i agree with O.V hehe

[vashti]

Excuse me, but could someone enlighten me as to why this is his fault, and how exactly he behaved badly?

Is it because he kept in touch with his exes? Or is it because an ex girlfriend that still likes him sent him "inappropriate" e-mails?

It surely can't be because he looked at a woman on the street, or at a waitress in a restaurant, because everyone does that and anyone who says they don't is lying.

There is a big difference between looking and "gawking", and it really isn't so hard to get rid of exes that want to maintain inappropriate contact, unless they are stalkers in which case law enforcement could be called. He's not a victim; he is encouraging it.

[Gigabitch]

There's some history here, meh. Journey has been waffling about making a serious commitment to this girl for a long time. (Research his old threads.)

IMO, he thinks he should settle down but he doesn't want to, and his girlfriend is not the kind of person that can handle that kind of a challenge.

I do have to say, Journey, that if you're over 30 and you still don't know how to check out other women unobtrusively, it's because you don't want to. I check out other guys when I'm with my BF, but I would NEVER be so crass as to make it obvious to him, not because he's jealous but because I have better manners than that.

[misombra]

i can't imagine, at my age, giving that much energy to this kind of thing. if i was really that upset about it i would just leave him.

[Journey]

Doesnt it depend on what she considers gawking? I have been in other relationships (longest 4 years) and this is the first time this has ever come up. I am respectful of her and I never considered it gawking..I thought it was just a passing glance.

I definately agree that this is not enough time to consider marriage. Thats why I told her that I wanted my space. We spent alot of time together, and have'nt been used to that in a relationship. I guess I have always been quite independent.

Right before getting back together, she said not to even consider getting back together unless I was sure that I would propose (and I thought I would until all these things came up).
I could not even meet her family unless she had a ring on her finger (cultural thing).
To her, being in the boyfriend/girlfriend stage meant nothing. She thought it only had meaning if we were engaged.

[anachronistic]

she sounds like a commitment freak.

[Journey]

i can't imagine, at my age, giving that much energy to this kind of thing. if i was really that upset about it i would just leave him.

Les Mis,
You would never leave me would you?

Highway run...
Under the midnight sun..
Wheels go round n round..
You're on my miiiind..

Restless hearts..
Sleep alone tonight..
Sendin all my love..
Along the wiiire..

Journey

[meh]

Well, that was my thought exactly, there is a big difference between looking and "gawking", but those are her words, and it seems she over reacts a fair bit when it comes to these things.

Journey, I'm sorry to say that it does not look like she is ever going to change, and the only way you two are going to end up together is if she manages to force you into a marriage. Is that something you really want?

You're young and you appear smart and sensible (despite what all these girls say ;p), so perhaps you should tell her the truth, set your own terms (no promises of marriage, no more absurd insecurities, being able to have some breathing room) for getting together, and if (or should I say "when") she refuses, move on with your life.

Also, Gigabitch, I don't understand the behaviour you described about looking at men. If your boyfriend isn't jealous, then why "hide it" from him anyway? Unless he doesn't exactly like it or is not comfortable with it, I would think he'd feel better knowing when you do it rather than having to hide it from him.

[Gigabitch]

Also, Gigabitch, I don't understand the behaviour you described about looking at men. If your boyfriend isn't jealous, then why "hide it" from him anyway? Unless he doesn't exactly like it or is not comfortable with it, I would think he'd feel better knowing when you do it rather than having to hide it from him.

I don't hide it, I just don't make it obvious that I'm checking somebody else out. It would be rude. I also chew my food with my mouth closed, even though he is fully aware that I am eating, he doesn't have to see it.

Journey, I think you should hold out for someone a little more emotionally stable. You want kids, right? Don't saddle them with a hysterical mom.

[misombra]

Les Mis,
You would never leave me would you?

Highway run...
Under the midnight sun..
Wheels go round n round..
You're on my miiiind..

Restless hearts..
Sleep alone tonight..
Sendin all my love..
Along the wiiire..

Journey

no. but if you gawked at another woman in my presence i'd probably slap you.