The all to familiar "friend" problem

[fixbayonets]

Maybe I should clarify. I dont talk bad about him WHEN IM AROUND HER; we crucify the SOB when my friend tells me about all the stupid stuff he does when Im not around, I dunno

[fixbayonets]

One other thing I forgot to mention, I personally witnessed this guy attempt to cheat on her and would have succeeded had he not been as drunk as he was. Obviously it wouldnt be the same Hearing it from me, so I havent said anything, even though cheating on your partner is one of my biggest vices. It's also a further testament to this asshole's character. How does that play in?

[IceQueen]

cheating on your partner is one of my biggest vices.

Do you qualify kissing as cheating? If so, how do you reconcile her cheating on him with you?

[fixbayonets]

I consider what he did cheating due to the fact that he planned to have sex with another person and has no intention of telling his g/f. There was no feeling there, he just wanted a piece of ass.

Now if there was sincerity in her kissing me and it was due to some mutual sharing of feelings, I dont consider following what your heart tells you cheating. Of course, If it was because she wants something more, she would have to break it off with ass-nugget before we could go any further.

If she kissed me just to be doing it, then yes I guess she 'kinda' cheated on him. (why would she do that though?)

In response to a previous question, yes I do attach fellings w/ kissing; it's my understanding that most women do too.....(or am I wrong about THAT as well as everything else.)

[Innova]

Cheating is cheating, there is no half-cheating. I consider a kiss to be cheating, in my opinion anyways.

There is examples of "good" cheating, as oxy-mornish that sounds. An example being you have a shitty partner that treats you like shit and gets drunk all the time..you find somebody you have fallen for, kiss...blah..blah..blah. See what I mean?

[Innova]

edit: Double post, my mistake.

[Pretender]

I would say to you dont give up hope but dont push the subject on her either. Just make her feel special and realize how great of a guy you are. When people say shes with him because she loves him of course thats true, but the question is, "Is she still in love with him?" Maybe it's just me but I think people sometimes stick around because they have nothing else to move onto.

By telling her you're feelings I think you were in the right because now you don't ever have to say to your self "Man, what if I would of told her how I felt about her, what then?" What she decides to do with the heartfelt confession you gave her is up to her.

Just be there for her and read her signals she sends out to you. When she kissed you I would of definetly considered that a Green light, it just shows there's a far off chance. But you dont want to be the guy that she cheated with. Just let things happen.

[sfalexi]

So you don't consider her kissing you cheating because she has feelings for you? So if she has feelings for you, and wants to act on them, couldn't she wait until breaking up with her boyfriend before kissing you?

You hate cheaters, yet for HER to cheat with you is ok. You're a hypocrite on the subject of cheating. What you're telling me here is that if you were dating her, and you found this other girl that was awesome, moreso than her, it wouldn't be 'cheating' for you to kiss that other girl without having broken up with your girlfriend.

There's no such thing as "good" cheating vs "bad" cheating. Cheating is cheating. You can cheat because your boyfriend treats you like crap (in which case the better answer would be to break up with him in the first place). You can cheat because you just want a cheap one-night stand (in which case you're a bastard/bitch). But either way, it's cheating.

Also think of this. If she decides to break up and go out with you, whats to say that some other guy befriends her without you knowing and she all of a sudden starts kissing him. If it's a good mental connection, would that be her "cheating" on you, or just following her heart so you'd be ok with it?

Alexi

[fixbayonets]

Yeah I can see where Im coming across as a hypocrite. What I mean and am probably not explaining very well is, I dont think it is cheating if your actions are sincere AND you are willing to follow through with them, i.e.= breaking off the current relationship.

What I DO consider cheating is trying to have it both ways and not choosing either route. If she kissed me because there is something there, then I would expect her to follow through and break it off with A-hole.

If that is not what her intentions are, then yes I guess she is cheating on him, and I dont agree with that.(Although I dont consider her kisses to be equivilent with trying to sleep w/ a complete stranger like her b/f did...)

I will admit that I probably am partially blind to seeing what she did as cheating, but I also think there is some validity to what Im saying.

"Nobody's perfect until you fall in love with them."

[IceQueen]

Ok, on cheating by FB.

"Cheating is bad unless it's a hot chick cheating with me."

[sfalexi]

What I mean and am probably not explaining very well is, I dont think it is cheating if your actions are sincere AND you are willing to follow through with them, i.e.= breaking off the current relationship.

What I DO consider cheating is trying to have it both ways and not choosing either route. If she kissed me because there is something there, then I would expect her to follow through and break it off with A-hole.

Or she could be the type of girl that likes to be in a relationship. Hence, she will do whatever necessary to ENSURE that once she breaks up with one guy, she'll have another waiting there for her. Which means that if were ever to end with you (which you know darn well might happen. It happens often enough), she'll sink her hooks into someone else, whether it be a kiss, some foolin' around, sex, whatever before she breaks up with you. That way she knows before she breaks up with YOU, she's got someone there waiting to take her out to dinners and mess around with.

Sorta like a chain smoker lighting the next cigarette with the butt of the last.

Alexi

[fixbayonets]

Thats possible too I guess. Well, now that we've established that I dont know what Im talking about in respect to cheating, Im still not sure where that leaves us(or me, I suppose...)

[dubu]

I suggest that you go out, meet new people and most importantly, keep yourself busy. From whats been described thus far, it seems like it'll be almost impossible to just walk away and forget about this girl, hence I suggest that you do something that will distract you and keep your mind focused on something different. By doing this, you probably won't be as frustrated with your friend's situation and you'll be signalling to your friend that you're not going to sit in the corner and wait for her. Girls like to be challenged and so when your friend eventually comes to her senses and realize that the guy she's with isn't the right guy for her, she may come running to you.

[fixbayonets]

An interesting observation, and yeah I try to do stuff so I wont think aobut it. Anybody have other suggestions?

[fixbayonets]

This just got a tad more interesting: I have just been informed by my friend that apparently when she told her b/f about me, she told him that I kissed her on the cheek. In reality, she kissed me on the mouth twice, both times initiated by her. I have to see this guy next week wehn I stay with my friend a night or two, and I am fairly curiouls to see what his reaction is.

I thought I should talk to her immediatley and ask her exactly what she meant by her actions, why she told him that, and give her the opportunity to tell him herself before I get there or he finds out from somebody else. I think he should hear it from her, but I wont lie if he asks me. I think this would be best considering I doint think fighting is going to help my situation.

On the other hand, I had the idea that I should just play dumb for now, doint tell him what really happened, and see if anything builds when she and I spend time together. Just to continue to make her feel special and have fun when shes around me and hope she realizes what she could have.

I especailly look forward to hearing prospectives on this development.