The all to familiar "friend" problem

[fixbayonets]

We all know this situation, and once again, I am left with more and more Questions.

I have known this girl for a little over a year now. From the first time I saw her I knew she was different, and ever since then thoughts of her have filled my head. We have since become very close friends in that time, and I have fallen even harder. I care about her more than I have about anyone in my life. I tried to ignore it, I tried to live with it, and I tried to hint at it, but nothing really worked. I never made a move because I was afraid to jeopardize the friendship, and that she has been in a relationship for 5 years now, and I suspect maybe has gotten comfortable in it.(which happens, I guess.)

The guy she sees is a real ass. To make a long story short, he doesnt deserve her in my opinion. Despite their relationship, I couldnt live with the pain of not knowing any longer. Last week as she was leaving a dinner I hosted, I stopped her at her car and it all came pouring out. I told her that Im always thinking about her, how she is the most beautiful, caring, kind, fun loving girl I'd ever met, and how I would give anything in the world to have the feeling I get when Im with her all the time.

Well....she told me how shocked and flattered she was, how she kind of suspected my liking her but had no idea my feelings were so strong. There was alot of hugging, and then the bombshell came that I was dreading. In that soft voice were the words "Im so flattered and youre a really great guy,....but Im dating (jerk), and you know that, and I know you know that,"..... She told me about how when she met me she knew I was a great guy and that I always listen to her, better so sometimes than her b/f, and how she always saw me as "untouchable"(not sure what that means), and how she wishes she could have met me 5 years ago when she was single. She also said this would definately not ruin the friendship and if anything it may have even made it closer. She kissed me twice, (which was great and hurt like hell all at the same time) and after we exchanged a few more nice words and held each other and things like that, she left.

Now I'm left with my next dilemma. I would almost say it was a rejection, however there are a few things that keep me wondering. 1. the things she said when I told her how I felt, some of which I mentioned above led me to believe she may have some feelings for me, and 2. I question how strong her current relationship is since she doesnt really compliment him very often in conversations w/ me(or w/ anybody for that matter).

I put it to you: Do I....

1. Still remain hopeful that this is going to happen and if so, what do I do now?

2. Give it up and just settle with the fact that my best wasnt good enough this time and consider her kisses my 'consolation prize'

3. Open to suggestions or other options.

PLEASE HELP!! I take any opinions I can get!
I would give anything up to and including life itself trying to make this girl happy, and I am not about to stop now if there is even the slightest chance of a happy ending for us.

[fixbayonets]

Just got a follow up to add.
My friend has just told me that she told her b/f how I felt about her. Throw that into the equasion.
Im gonna go throw up now.

[Innova]

ROFL why in the hell would she do that....oh lord. Anyhoo keep your options open...don't be completely hopeful..you might get hurt. I'm very against taking somebody elses partner (what if it was you). But if she does decide on her own to be alone..go for it. But like I said, keep your options open.

[Screwed_Guy]

I concur with Innova. I am very much against moving in on other peoples relationships. But If this guy is as bad as you say he is, I'm sure that eventually she will come to her senses. However my advice is to keep looking. There are other fish in the sea. You don't know how long their relationship will last and you shouldnt' wait until its over. You may find someone else who means more to you than she does. Good luck, fixbayonets.

[IceQueen]

Kissed under what circumstances? French or peck on cheek?

[fixbayonets]

Mouth, no tounges. (possibly the best and most painful kiss Ive ever experienced). And yes, this guy is worse than Hitler. If he was a decent guy, I would agree with you, Im not really into breaking people up or movin in on somebody elses sig. other. He's one of those material people who thinks if he has more stuff than you, he's better than you. its all about him. Just this week he was rear-ended, now he's threatening to sue the guy for 'pain and suffering' so he can get a better car. Thats what I cant understand, how someone as great and smart as she is cant see the side of this guy that the rest of the world sees.

[togo]

i think that you should stick in there and be there when things dont go so hot for her and her b/f, im big on things just working themsleves out. just hang in there it sounds like everything will come around, just give it some time.

[IceQueen]

It doesn't matter whether he is a good guy or a bad guy. Or even just how bad he is. She apparently likes him, that's why she's with him. Please don't imagine yourself to be a prince on a white steed, and her -- a damsel in distress. If she WANTED to leave him, she'd LEAVE him. Since she is still WITH him, she LIKES him.

She is taken. Quickly back out and save your mental health.

Another thing to consider. If she's the kind of person who kisses one guy and dates another, do you really want to date her?

[fixbayonets]

Small update: One of my other friends is going shopping with her next week and said he'd be willing to do anything he can to help. He asked me what I want him to say. What should I tell him?

[sfalexi]

Small update: One of my other friends is going shopping with her next week and said he'd be willing to do anything he can to help. He asked me what I want him to say. What should I tell him?

Nothing. Leave her alone. She's made her decision. Now it's time to move on. No use crying over spilled milk. (I guess that expression SORTA works here . . .) But seriously, Icequeen is right. If she didn't want to be in that relatoinship, she wouldn't be. Right now, she seems to want to be in it with him. And you can't change that (hell you already TRIED which already is wrong to do in my book) and it didn't work. Move on. Remain her friend if you want, but look for other, AVAILABLE girls.

Alexi

[KenThePartyMan]

Originally posted by fixbayonets
We kissed twice, (which was great and hurt like hell all at the same time) and after we excanged a few more nice words and held each other and things like that, she left.

OK...I can only use this if you kissed on the mouth.

If she is going to hug and kiss you after you told her how you feel there is a chance that you 2 could hookup...There also is a good chance of her BF of 5 years kicking your ass...but if you kissed then now is the time to strike...don't give her time to think about who is better...get her thinking about you and only you...not in a pushy stalker I like you so you have to like me type of way. You made the first move so fallow through...

Make her feel good when she is arround and don't talk about how much you want her...she knows not...show her how fun you are to be with and give her a reason to get out of her 5 year term with a-hole...

B-side: If she just kissed you on the cheak...forget about her dude...you just put up a wall that will not come down till she gets away from that dude...you are now a threat to her relationship and to her might seem like a pest if you keep pushing the issue...

Good luck

PS...My first time was with my best friend of 3 years and a week later we went from talking every day and hanging out to never talking again....

[KenThePartyMan]

just read your other post...go for it....

also..I agree with my love the IceQueen...If she is going to kiss you and that other dude you might what to think about finding a new girl...

[dreamygirl]

I agree with what everyone else said here but...I've more or less been in the situation the girl is in. My very best friend fell for me, we hugged and kissed too, because I did really love him and the thought of having to hurt him just broke me, however I loved my boyfriend too and you don't just throw away a relationship of many years. Many people don't think my boyfriend is good enough for me either, but don't forget, for that bad side you talk about there is a good side that only she sees and that is probably why she is still with him. I'd advise you to stay best friends, be there for her to have fun with or listen to her problems, don't push anything and don't stop looking at other girls. In other words, don't put your hopes up but don't give up on her altogether, you never know what the future brings.

[fixbayonets]

In response to Ken the party man:

Well, it both of them were on the mouth, and both of them were initiated by her. That, and some of the things she said make it hard for me to walk away from this thinking she is not at least SOME sharing of these feelings.

I know that alot of you think I should just drop this and not look back, but it's not that easy for me. And as far as her b/f goes, I have done my absolute best not to talk bad about him, and as much as I dont enjoy it, he is her b/f and right now and theres nothing I can do to change that.

As far as the other chance you mentioned, Ive been a US Infantryman for going on 4 years now and can take care of myself if he decides he wants to try and kick my ass. But fighting is only going to make my situation worse, so I would like to avoid that if at all possible.

[IceQueen]

Your downfall is that you equate kissing with feelings, while she -- might not necessarily.

it's not that easy for me.

It's not a question of easy vs. hard. It's possible vs. impossible. And it's not impossible.

And as far as her b/f goes, I have done my absolute best not to talk bad about him

*cough*bull*cough*