Opinions and help please!

[misombra]

fair enough. apparently im an idiot for asking advice. and misombra, "one is plenty". no kidding, thats part of my fear that i wont be able to stay faithful and i dont want to hurt my fiancee. but i am in love with this girl and know that something could happen, and dont want it to if im engaged obviously.
send me off to the forest then for having these thoughts. if we were to break up it would be done right. im not throwing her out or not supporting my child. i do and would continue to pay for their housing and needs. im not an asshole. i wouldnt do that. but im the guy to hate i guess. at least i havent acted on these feelings. go hate on everyone that is. im simply asking for advice. i guess the feelings here are that once your engaged or married youre stuck forever..happy, unhappy, or otherwise, or else your an idiot. you should pretend your thrilled for the rest of your life and never be truly happy. great.

i was talking about the other thread you tried to start.

what do you expect? do you really think we're going to tell you that leaving your family to go with this other person is right?

i think that's what you want to hear. i don't think anybody's going to tell you that. you asked for peoples opinions, now you're getting them.

[heavnlyblu22]

You should consider how long you've had these feelings for. If it's a recent development, it may be due to the new family dynamic that having a child brings. Your daughter is only 9 months old, so you shouldn't really be concerned yet that your wife isn't motivated anymore. On the other hand, having a baby changes everything for women, and the other woman you love may end up the same way after a child.

I wouldn't act impulsively on these feelings, since the grass is always greener on the other side.

Originally Posted by shh!
You made a new human being with this woman. You owe it to your child to maintain this family except under extreme circumstances (infidelity, physical abuse, drug abuse, etc.).

Actually, contrary to popular opinion, studies have shown that toughing it out when a child is young for the benefit of the child is more detrimental than ending the relationship and still having two supporting parents. ( I also know from experience.) People tend to think that it's best for the child to stay together, but if it's putting a strain on the relationship, the child picks up on it and it causes a lot of distress. And waiting until the child is older is more detrimental - but people think that it's better to raise the child together, unhappily, and then separate when the child is an older teenager or going off to college.

[lesa]

We are not counselors - they are paid to pretend they understand your choices. We are just regular people who tell the truth. If you want someone to offer you unconditional support, I think that is what your friends are for.

You got that right! My bf is a counselor and bs his way through therapy. He doesn't believe in have the crap he tells them. Okay, I maybe be exaggerating a little but they do get paid to tell you what you want and need to hear. It's hard to talk to him sometimes. He can be blunt and supportive all at the same time.

I think getting advice from friends and forums like this one is good because you get many different perspectives on an issue.

[lesa]

You should consider how long you've had these feelings for. If it's a recent development, it may be due to the new family dynamic that having a child brings. Your daughter is only 9 months old, so you shouldn't really be concerned yet that your wife isn't motivated anymore. On the other hand, having a baby changes everything for women, and the other woman you love may end up the same way after a child.

I agree that these feelings may have occurred after the birth of their child. That is what I was trying to determine.

[starbuck]

OP, if you did not have a child with this woman, the advice would be very different. But you and your wife/finacee chose to have a child (I'm assuming). You owe it to both of them to explore other avenues, such as counselling to help keep your relationship alive. If your woman knew that somewhere down the line, you were going to leave her just like that for another woman, do you really think she would have had your child?

What if this is a passing infatuation? Or a workplace crush? Or this woman leaves you down the line? Or turns out to not be what you thought she was? I think you owe it to your family and yourself to wait it out and control your behavior. And stop blaming your S.O. for not being exciting enough for you. No one forced you to settle down with her and make a baby with her.

Might be smart to let this employee of yours go while you figure this out. If you have feelings for her, it is unprofessional to keep her employed with you anyway.

[lesa]

OP, if you did not have a child with this woman, the advice would be very different.

I'll give the same advice for any emotionally stable individual whether they are married, engaged, in a long term relationship or dating.

Might be smart to let this employee of yours go while you figure this out. If you have feelings for her, it is unprofessional to keep her employed with you anyway.

That is a very tricky situation and I would be very careful.

[starbuck]

I'll give the same advice for any emotionally stable individual whether they are married, engaged, in a long term relationship or dating.


That is a very tricky situation and I would be very careful.

Good points Lesa. But I do think it's unhealthy for him to continue to be infatuated with his employee. Your employee should be just that. When feelings start to develop, the work will most likely suffer. Perhaps he shouldn't fire her, but should limit his contact with her in some other way. Also if he acts on his feelings and this other woman is still employed with him, couldn't he eventually face a sexual harrassment charge?

[shh!]

Actually, contrary to popular opinion, studies have shown that toughing it out when a child is young for the benefit of the child is more detrimental than ending the relationship and still having two supporting parents. ( I also know from experience.) People tend to think that it's best for the child to stay together, but if it's putting a strain on the relationship, the child picks up on it and it causes a lot of distress. And waiting until the child is older is more detrimental - but people think that it's better to raise the child together, unhappily, and then separate when the child is an older teenager or going off to college.

Yeah, why don't you show me these studies? You make the mistake of thinking that just because you aren't madly in love, you must be madly in hate. This is just not true. Obviously a child will suffer in a hateful household, but a mature person can CHOOSE to behave respectfully towards their spouse, even when they aren't exactly head-over-heels in love with them, and in that case, it is better for the kids when their parents are married.

[Cain]

Yeah, why don't you show me these studies? You make the mistake of thinking that just because you aren't madly in love, you must be madly in hate. This is just not true. Obviously a child will suffer in a hateful household, but a mature person can CHOOSE to behave respectfully towards their spouse, even when they aren't exactly head-over-heels in love with them, and in that case, it is better for the kids when their parents are married.

Especially when it seems like everything is fine on the outside. He isn't in a hateful household... he's in a loving household but he wants to feel the best that he can.

Honestly, OP, if you leave your family to be with this woman, you won't be much of a father. It's not like your fiancee cheated on you and you're trying to decide if you want to move on or not... she did nothing wrong and yet you're considering moving on away from your family because you want to feel better. What makes you think that in a year the new woman wouldn't leave you? Or have you ever thought that although YOU might be in love with her, she might just be infatuated?

Wouldn't that be ironic... she breaks up with you two years from now because she finds someone else she is in love with... reversing the roles of your current relationship.

[Citycat]

im not throwing her out or not supporting my child. i do and would continue to pay for their housing and needs.

You call this child yours, and yet you say that you would continue to pay for their housing. If the child is yours it means you should be equally able to bring it up. What would you do if something, God forbids, happened to your fiance in a few years? Would you be able to take the full care of him - feed him, read him goodnight stories, play with him etc.? Child needs much more than just money & weekend dad. Try to put yourself into your child's place. What would it felt like to you if your father had left your mother and you to try to start a new live with someone else? And what makes you think that your employee would want a man who left his baby?

[inoccence]

yeah what they said.....