a guy not in love

[shh!]

I think the biggest concern should be that if he doesn't love her, he may not be adverse to loving someone else. Although I agree that words are less important than actions, that is only true if he loves her in his actions, but just doesn't say it. If he admits he doesn't love her, well... at least you know where you stand.

i don't think he is being selfish. He is telling you the truth, and you just don't want to make the decision you know is coming. What does he have to feel bad about? he's been perfectly honest all along.

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWfq2wFhYmg"]YouTube - 'Two out of three aint bad' - Meat loaf[/ame]

[Mish]

and yes he was hurt though that was years ago. so i don't think it's ok of him eighter to let it influence us now so much. he still compares the intensity of feelings towards her that were so much stronger than towards me. how does that suppose to make any girl that's in love feel?

I think that's just plain mean. I agree with blue that you should seat him down and have a chat with him. If being in a relationship where a guy loves you is important to you then you should let him know. He will either change or both of you will find more suitable partners. In either way it's a win / win.

[bluesummer]

i don't think he is being selfish. He is telling you the truth, and you just don't want to make the decision you know is coming. What does he have to feel bad about? he's been perfectly honest all along.

So this isn't selfish?:

Am I in love with you? No. Am I going to clarify what that means? No.

Happy to let her hang on and wallow, as if he doesn't know this is bothering her. If he cared at all, he'd at least explain what is behind those words, instead of coming off so cold and heartless.

[shh!]

I'm sorry, I just don't know what he can tell her to make her feel better about the fact that he doesn't love her. Didn't she start off by saying he treats her great, blah blah blah? That to me is indication he isn't a jerk... he just doesn't love her. Why is it HIS job to take better care of her emotions than she does?

[bluesummer]

It's not. I agree she should have responsibility over her own emotions. I just get really irritated by people that stay with people because it's convenient and works for them for the time being.....especially when they know the other person is emotionally invested. In my mind, it's selfish. However, if she really is looking for something more than he can give her (which, yes, he has been honest about), she should definitely be taking the initiative and walking.

The women really do get themselves in trouble with these types, because they keep waiting for them to have a change of heart and 'love' them, so they can ride off into the sunset together or some crap. These are the women that waste five, eight, ten plus years for some dude that really has little emotional investement....then he gets up and walkso ff with some other woman one day and they wonder why.

Maybe he treats her well, but that doesn't mean he's relationship material or ever will be. Or maybe he will be to someone else, just not the OP.

[Mish]

The women really do get themselves in trouble with these types, because they keep waiting for them to have a change of heart and 'love' them, so they can ride off into the sunset together or some crap. These are the women that waste five, eight, ten plus years for some dude that really has little emotional investement....then he gets up and walkso ff with some other woman one day and they wonder why.

My room mate's girl is like that. He told her he doesn't love her and she shouldn't have any expectations, she's still living with him. She says, that's mean, but views it as a small transgression, nothing serious. She tells me "I love him, so there's nothing I can do". I don't talk to her about it any more, it's pointless.

[IndiReloaded]

If she's still with him, it means she is still getting *something* from the relationship.

I suppose it goes both ways: if he has stated clearly he doesn't love her, then he shouldn't be surprised when she walks one day for someone who WILL say it.

LOL! and THEN we'll get the poster writing "WHY didn't I tell her I loved her until it was too late?".

People are endlessly creative about ways to confuse and screw each other over. Too funny.

[Mish]

If she's still with him, it means she is still getting *something* from the relationship.

I'm still wondering on what it is. Apart from free accomodation I think he just pushes all the right buttons. He stimulates her and she desperately needs that stimulation. To the point where she's ready to accept and forgive anything. I think they have what I'd call a strong chemistry in a dysfunctional non commited relationship. It's interesting, very hard to say how long they'll last.

[Only-virgins]

He is no jerk but this won't last.

[agatha]

Maybe he has this policy "Action speaks louder than words".

[clare_b]

i know many of you wonder why i'm staying with the man who doesn't love me. i really don't wanna waste posts here on how great we fit together,that's not the thread. i'm just gonna say i think i found my soulmate. a person who i feel i've known for my whole life. a person who i've got together with from the very first day we've seen each other. i really don't wanna throw it away if i don't have to. this doesn't happen every day. some never find it. if he was just another guy,i wouldn't be here. (sorry if this sounds too romantic or something,that's just how it is.)

i think he thinks pretty much the same about me, except the fact he doesn't love me. but he shows affection in a way a girl could only dream. and that's why it's so hard to let go. i agree actions are more important than words. but sometimes acts don't mean anything. if you were me,you would definately expect his answer to be: YES i love you,can't you see?!?! but what i get is: i don't love you. so yes i'm the one who has to leave him. but what sucks is how i'll ever be able to trust again another guy eighter with his words eighter with acts. i sort of feel i was fooled around. (i'm not pointing fingers here,as i know you gonna say that's your fault not his...)

[ecojeanne]

i know many of you wonder why i'm staying with the man who doesn't love me. i really don't wanna waste posts here on how great we fit together,that's not the thread. i'm just gonna say i think i found my soulmate. a person who i feel i've known for my whole life. a person who i've got together with from the very first day we've seen each other. i really don't wanna throw it away if i don't have to. this doesn't happen every day. some never find it. if he was just another guy,i wouldn't be here. (sorry if this sounds too romantic or something,that's just how it is.)

i think he thinks pretty much the same about me, except the fact he doesn't love me. but he shows affection in a way a girl could only dream. and that's why it's so hard to let go. i agree actions are more important than words. but sometimes acts don't mean anything. if you were me,you would definately expect his answer to be: YES i love you,can't you see?!?! but what i get is: i don't love you. so yes i'm the one who has to leave him. but what sucks is how i'll ever be able to trust again another guy eighter with his words eighter with acts. i sort of feel i was fooled around. (i'm not pointing fingers here,as i know you gonna say that's your fault not his...)

look, clare, i think you might be making a big deal over this sentence. just to point out, ive heard my parents tell each other they love each other.... once or twice when times were rough, i'm 32.....but they do love each other, infact they are mad about each other....i can see it everyday.....how do you explain that??? some people are incapable of saying the words, i don't know why maybe because it means more to them when they say it. It may take rough times for your guy to say it. If you think that this guy treats you as if he loves you, then why ask? you already know.

you know what, i think the movie industry is to blame here. the word love is thrown around way too easily.

[IndiReloaded]

Cool. So Claire, if everything is great w/this guy, remind us why you posted again?

[clare_b]

i've posted because soon he'll be gone for months on a trip,and i need to sort it out should i move on or should we stay in a long distance relationship not seeing each other all untill he comes back. (it didn't seem so relevant to post that detail before.) that's why i needed so much some sort of comfirmation from him,a verbal one,to be entirely sure about him,and i didn't get it. now that left me feeling pretty much cunfussed. anyhow,since it seems i'm making a big deal out of nothing,i really shoudn't be posting here anymore?

[Charlie Boy II]

Well no, I wouldn't stay together.