what is going on?! no feelings with sex?

[Junket]

My point was that if that detail is important, and he's lacking that one detail, then he can not be exactly the kind of person you're looking for.

Imagine if you met a woman that was everything you wanted in a man, only she was a woman. You probably wouldn't really consider dating her at all.

Or maybe you would.

[lesa]

Just tell him that you enjoyed the time you had together but is ready for a deeper relationship and you know that he cannot provide that...that you would never want him to feel pressured and it's better to end it now but remain friends.

[BillyJean]

that s what i told him last saturday, the day before he left, and where he said he feels things (!!!! what things?!!) but it is very new, very fresh, (after living in the same house for three months? and he claims he "felt something" (?) since we met first, almost a year ago) and he doesn't want to say it. I don't know what to think. but thanks all for the useful comments.

[BillyJean]

how do i KNOW he cannot provide it? (a deeper relationship) OK, enough whining

[Indignant]

This is what happened: we had sex just before he was leaving, the situation was very very tender, not just sexy, and i dared to say something like "do you care about me a little bit?" -- he lost his boner immediately!! I mean, he is pretty invulnerable to most situations, but THIS makes him lose it? does he have some deep psychological problems with engagement?? what do i do?? He is a great shag, but i would like more.. thanks!

I wouldn't let something like losing a boner, or not being able to say I love you ruin your relationship. what about everything else? do his action tell you that he cares and possible loves? does he respect you? is he loyal? do you both enjoy spending time together? what other positive values does he carry?

saying I love you is a big and scary step for most males. If everything else satisfies you who cares about a couple of silly words. A lot of men tell women that they love them on a daily basis but don't mean it, do you want one of those?

give us other details before you cut him off.

[BillyJean]

thank you so much, this was better than talking to my best friend (who for two years kept traveling 300 miles every week to see a guy who never told her "I like you", least "I love you") I was brainwashed by this book - he s just not that into you -- and i hope it s working.

[BillyJean]

thank you Indignant -- I am probably too rough because, after a lifetime of abuse from men, mostly because i allowed them, i am finally stamping my foot. i hope i don't stamp it on the wrong guy.. He is very affectionate, physically close, great conversation, he uses a lot words like "relationship" and partner" (although i think he doesn't know what they mean, english is not his first language, and he confessed to have had a problem with commitment, now over, i don't understand what "Now" means) -- he seems happy with me, (but i have to say he has a happy temper so seems happy with everybody), he is affectionate, left money for the rent, brought a present (i think recycled, but maybe not) (an african seed in the shape of a heart), didn't call in the beginning, but after i left him he called every two days and messaged or emailed every day. I am also afraid he is doing that only because i blackmailed him into it. (you don't call, so i leave you) after this week of passion he left, and he made two phone calls so cold they could have been to his cousin, but messaged today even if i understand he had a difficult day (he didn't say that) -- still very general, so maybe he wants to keep me as friends with benefits. OK, this is more details, sorry to be boring.
Yes, i am used to the other kind, i always heard "i love you" at very early stages, and it was never true. Now i have the right disposition, but i find that if if don't hear something tender my libido tends to zero, and i need to drink or something to get off, or at least play like it s a porn movie (he doesn't like that), otherwise i don't see the point. (I need specialized consultancy, probably)

[searchingwithin]

Maybe I don't have the whole story here, but how can you break up with someone, if there is no commitment to begin with?

[Indignant]

i hope i don't stamp it on the wrong guy.. He is very affectionate, physically close, great conversation, he uses a lot words like "relationship" and partner" (although i think he doesn't know what they mean, english is not his first language, and he confessed to have had a problem with commitment, now over, i don't understand what "Now" means) -- he seems happy with me, (but i have to say he has a happy temper so seems happy with everybody), he is affectionate, left money for the rent, brought a present (i think recycled, but maybe not) (an african seed in the shape of a heart), didn't call in the beginning, but after i left him he called every two days and messaged or emailed every day. I am also afraid he is doing that only because i blackmailed him into it. (you don't call, so i leave you) after this week of passion he left, and he made two phone calls so cold they could have been to his cousin, but messaged today even if i understand he had a difficult day (he didn't say that) -- still very general, so maybe he wants to keep me as friends with benefits. OK, this is more details, sorry to be boring.
Yes, i am used to the other kind, i always heard "i love you" at very early stages, and it was never true. Now i have the right disposition, but i find that if if don't hear something tender my libido tends to zero, and i need to drink or something to get off, or at least play like it s a porn movie (he doesn't like that), otherwise i don't see the point. (I need specialized consultancy, probably)

it seems to me that he was a lot warmer to you before the whole ultimatum issue. you need to have a heart to heart to him. blame the ultimatum on a female issue. say that you were overreacting because you were PMSing, and tell him that you want things to be as they were. try to come out of it in the least threatening way, any guy would run from it.

what is his and your background? ages?

[lesa]

how do i KNOW he cannot provide it? (a deeper relationship) OK, enough whining

It depends on how he "fights back" after giving him those comments of no pressure. His actions will show you more than his words.

Oh, and never give ultimatums...at least not these kind. Also, there is no need to defend or back out of your comments. Just don't bring any ultimatums back up. He won't run if you leave it the way it is....BUT..you don't want it to remain as is. So there is a problem which goes back to my original statement.

[BillyJean]

actually, no, he wasn't really warmer, always kept to general conversation, but i thought he was waiting to meet in person to say warmer things, which he didn't. but yes, PMS is a very good idea. actually i am making up a toothache.
i am 35, university researcher, and he is 29, health practitioner, and we both study and work in this small research center and have several common interests. he started a 2 year's course, so he will go when he s finished (he reminded me that, twice). he had stories with older women before, but never lived with somebody and max 1 year. i am even worse relation-wise (no long stories, although i lived together with and almost married somebody) but it wasn't my fault, most of the time. i think on the paper, in spite of the age difference, it could be a very good match. IF.

[BillyJean]

oh my god, pressuring somebody 6 years younger! now i see the problem!

[lesa]

There is no need to say you were PMS or had a toothache. He isn't giving you reasons why he doesn't want a deeper relationship or feel the need to stay longer than two years in that location. Don't feel apologetic. You are a grown woman and you know what you want. He is a grown man that stated or showed (in many ways) what he wants. Whether that will change is unknown. It's up to you now on the next action.

[lesa]

oh my god, pressuring somebody 6 years younger! now i see the problem!

Age has nothing to do with this pressuring. NO ONE wants to be pressured to anything. The issue here is that you want more and it appears that he cannot provide that. No pressure. You either move on or settle for what he wants.

I'm "assuming" a deadline has past and you expected more at this point in time?

[Indignant]

actually, no, he wasn't really warmer, always kept to general conversation, but i thought he was waiting to meet in person to say warmer things, which he didn't. but yes, PMS is a very good idea. actually i am making up a toothache.
i am 35, university researcher, and he is 29, health practitioner, and we both study and work in this small research center and have several common interests. he started a 2 year's course, so he will go when he s finished (he reminded me that, twice). he had stories with older women before, but never lived with somebody and max 1 year. i am even worse relation-wise (no long stories, although i lived together with and almost married somebody) but it wasn't my fault, most of the time. i think on the paper, in spite of the age difference, it could be a very good match. IF.

this changes the whole story then. what do you want out of life at this point? do you still want to have kids?