I think i'm falling out of love.

[Lite]

seriously this thread, and this forum, is pretty ****ing casual about ending relationships.

Probably because some relationships really do need to end.

If you're unhappy in a relationship, and they're happy. What do you do? Stay miserable because you don't want to hurt them? In the long run you end up hurting them.

I hate ending relationships, it's one of the hardest things for me to do. It requires me to make the choice to willingly (as opposed to passively by dragging things out) end a relationship and hurt someone. So why would I suggest happily that others do so?

A lot of the relationships portrayed on here are either hugely dysfunctional, or the participants are really generally too young to be able to seriously understand the ramifications of their decision making process and its flaws.

Which is why we often suggest to end a relationship and tell the person to concentrate on fixing themselves before looking for something new. You can fix yourself while in a relationship, but if the other person isn't 100% in support of you and the changes you make, you're going to hurt them and kill the relationship anyway.

[and_for_what]

So you think people should stay together just because they're already together?

what? no, of course not

Probably because some relationships really do need to end.

If you're unhappy in a relationship, and they're happy. What do you do? Stay miserable because you don't want to hurt them?

No, staying miserable is a bad idea. I also think that automatically ending the relationship is an even worse idea. How about trying to sort the problems out first?


People like the OP here have to condense all their complex feelings into a few relevant lines of text, and I don't believe we can really learn anything useful about the relationship from it. It's always up to the person asking for help to sort it out themselves, of course, because they're the ONLY person who knows what the situation really is. I just think it's really inappropriate how readily this forum tells people to end relationships about which we really know very little about, even when nothing has been done to try and fix them like in this case.
You can always break up with someone later on, and a couple of months trying to fix the problems won't ever do any harm. Once you break up, though, there's really no going back. Even if you "get back together", that pain and anguish that you brought into the world will still be hanging around.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, WhatFor, I suppose you could view the 'dump them already' posts as a kind of test.

If ppl read that, and they go ahead and do it, then perhaps those relationships really ARE the ones that are best dissolved.

This forum is like a banquet platter. The ideas get displayed and the OP gets to pick and choose what suits them. Not everyone gives the 'dump them already' arguments. I tend not to, as do others. The forum is pretty balanced that way, I think.

[Lite]

what? no, of course not

No, staying miserable is a bad idea. I also think that automatically ending the relationship is an even worse idea. How about trying to sort the problems out first?

People like the OP here have to condense all their complex feelings into a few relevant lines of text, and I don't believe we can really learn anything useful about the relationship from it. It's always up to the person asking for help to sort it out themselves, of course, because they're the ONLY person who knows what the situation really is. I just think it's really inappropriate how readily this forum tells people to end relationships about which we really know very little about, even when nothing has been done to try and fix them like in this case.
You can always break up with someone later on, and a couple of months trying to fix the problems won't ever do any harm. Once you break up, though, there's really no going back. Even if you "get back together", that pain and anguish that you brought into the world will still be hanging around.

Here's why. Most of these relationships aren't committed relationships. They're not marriages. You don't have the kind of emotional commitment involved as when leaving them means they take half of everything you own in the world.

The relationship really never gets better than when you're dating. EVER. Why? Because that's when you have the least commitment as a weight upon your shoulders. That's when you don't have to think about everything you do with your life in terms of how it affects your partner's life.

Many of the people who come here have some pretty big personal issues that they need to heal. That means time, and many times the other person in the relationship will get tired of waiting around for you to heal yourself. In some cases here waiting a few months for things to sort themselves out means that the person is being beaten for 2 months while the other person claims they're getting help. Or financially used, or maybe it's just enough stress for the person to lose their job.

It's your life, and you need to make the decision to be an active participant in it. Either you make a decision actively of your own volition, or you make the decision to let others decide for you.

The biggest reason why people suggest to just break up is because it gives the person some down time from relationships, and with that hopefully some clarity and perspective on how to best deal with the problems in their lives.

If someone came here and said, "My husband and I are having problems. I feel he no longer connects with me or listens to me when I'm hurting..." My response would be something different.

Hell, if it sounded like a viable relationship and the person were merely engaged I'd suggest they try and work it out usually.

Most of the time I suggest they take some time out, or give the other person they space they need, without waiting for them. If the other person is unable to be committed to you in a relationship, why should you be committed while they are not?

In the end it's the poster's choice to take our advice or not. We're not always going to be right, but chances are that 90% of the time we will be.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Here's why. Most of these relationships aren't committed relationships. They're not marriages. You don't have the kind of emotional commitment involved as when leaving them means they take half of everything you own in the world.

Nowadays, even marriages are not committed relationships. Such a sad world we live in

[Lite]

Nowadays, even marriages are not committed relationships. Such a sad world we live in

That's because nobody actually teaches and reinforces what the word commitment actually means. We're raised in a society that expects near-instant gratification, then we move on to the next shiny object we come across.

We aren't taught when to be selfish, and when not to be selfish. We're taught to be open, and understanding, and to shun conflict as a way of resolving problems. We're taught to love, and be nice, and be tolerant. We're not taught to enforce boundaries or define for ourselves what is right and what is wrong. What we will accept, and what we will not accept. And then we're taught not to communicate these needs in an effective manner because it can brew conflict.

In an attempt to teach shades of gray, we've been left with a world in which we have difficulty properly deciding right from wrong, good from bad, and holding people to our expectations.