Marriage - How does it benifit men?

[IndiReloaded]

This all sounds pretty reasonable to me, Mouse. I do wonder a bit if your wife description tends more toward a parental role instead of a partner, but the basic foundation seems there. Mutual respect, mutual growth, support, caring, friendship, and love.

So, I think you should tell him these things. Tell him how much marriage means to you as a way of formalizing your commitment to your life together. Cam made a really nice comment on the benefit of marriage for society recently, which I think may also be relevant. I'll post the link.

Your partner clearly cares for you, so I think he will give you what you want if you ask nicely and tell him all this.

EDIT: here's the link, interesting thread on marriage btw

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/ask-male-forum/28232-do-yourself-favor-9.html#post432938[/url]

[Cbrider]

I think prenupts make total sense if one is marrying later in life, Rider. Especially if one has amassed significant assets and their partner hasn't. A prenupt isn't a statement about how things are shared in marriage, only in the event of divorce.

Anyway, like all things in life, compromise is always possible. There are prenupts with a specified length. Sunset? Sundown? I forget the term, but basically it weeds out golddiggers who marry quickly for money and then divorce for half.

Think about it. Would you put your profitable business at risk by merging with another without a discussion of how debt and assets are to be settled if the partner walks after a year? The fact you love your partner has no bearing on the business side of the relationship.

You're right in everything you say, it just depends on how you think as a person I guess. I tend to see the good in people no matter how flawed they may be. Good in ways but its bites you in the butt with relationships sometimes.

I personally would never sign a prenup or even think about it because I would never put myself in a position where I would need one. I wont marry just any girl, i'll do my homework and make sure everything clicks. If i get burned then its a lesson learned, but I just couldn't be happy in marriage knowing i signed a prenup no matter what the circumstances were.

That said I respect and understand what you're saying, we just differ in our approaches. Nothing wrong with better safe than sorry though.

[HouseMouse]

EDIT: here's the link, interesting thread on marriage btw

That thread made me very sad to read. So many people seem to not have any love in them at all. No trust, no hope, nothing, when it come to marriage. They just expect the worst. And to be honest, a mind-set like that, is only going to lead you to disaster. You make life what it is. If the relationship fails its no one's fault but your own. You cant blame marriage on ruining a relationship. Marriage doesnt ruin relationships, stupid people do.

[HouseMouse]

I would like to update this a little. I decided the best thing to do with what I had gathered here. Was just show him the thread and let him read it for himself. It said everything I could already think that he might need to know about how I feel. And it had good opinions from others. So I showed it to him and what he gathered from it all was this.

He told me, he is no longer going to have sex with me. He is trying to make some sort of point. What Im not sure. I wish he would have gathered something else from the thread. Like how important it is to me to get married to him. For my emotional health. And what his motives are behind his decision is mind boggling to me. The part I think he focused on most was where I said.

"To be honest. Im old fassion. And I really loved him when we first had sex (we had been together for a year). We had already discussed getting married, I had a ring, and dress and planned where we would have our honey moon. I guess I was waiting before I had sex with him to get married. But things happened and I caved. After that he just sort of lost intrest in getting married. One excuse after another till he finally just told me he didnt want to get married to me. "

So Im guessing he is trying to prove that even with out sex he will not feel the urge to marry me. Or maybe he is testing it out himself. To see if it has that much a difference in his decisions. He wont tell me the reason why, so I have to just assume.

[misombra]

i have the same kind of thinking as your husband. some people have seen so much bad stuff come from marriage and we just don't have those positive connotations about it that others do.

however if you have his children and are commited to each other than you have a pretty good foundation for it. i don't think stupid people end marriages either. marriages have fallen apart for many people for all kinds of different things. nobody goes into marriage thinking it's going to end in a bloody divorce in a few years, i don't think.

for me i would be comfortable stating a commitment and having some kind of ceremony but not doing it legally. maybe he'd be up for the same thing. why do you have to be legally married to be married? it sounds like the two of you are already married to be honest. one paper is not going to make all those things happen all of a sudden just because the government is more involved in your relationship.

i would not like to be pressured to get married. it sounds like it's causing problems already.

[lesa]

To be honest. Im old fassion. And I really loved him when we first had sex (we had been together for a year). We had already discussed getting married, I had a ring, and dress and planned where we would have our honey moon. I guess I was waiting before I had sex with him to get married. But things happened and I caved. After that he just sort of lost intrest in getting married. One excuse after another till he finally just told me he didnt want to get married to me. He has shown no sign of not wanting to be with me. Just that he doesnt want to marry me. He said that divorce is so expensive and he doesnt want to risk having to pay a hefty divorce fee or have me strip him blind if we ever did break up. He said you cant predict the future and even if we are madly in love now, who knows what could happen many years from now. To me it sounds like he is afraid cause of all the horrible stories he has heard about marriage. Even his parents are divorced and have been ever since he was 8.

I would like to tell you what he could benifit out of the marriage. But to be honest Ive already gave him everything a man gains with marriage other then a document, tax rights and ring.
In my mind what a man gains when he gets married is a wife, children, a home with a family, and as much sex as he wants with the woman he married. But well we already have all that since we have been living together for many many years. There is nothing extra he could gain I dont think. Unless its an emotional thing like I would gain. But I doubt it is since he is so sure Im going no where and that he is happy with the way things are.

Doesn't sound very old-fashioned to me. You gave him absolutely no reason to desire marriage. Now that he got all the "good things", he cannot imagine anything else good....He is left to only assume bad after all of that.

My guy knows I will not have children unless I am married. My guy actually desired marriage more than I did because of that and other reasons. And I'm not a fan of marriage, but I still will not have children unless I am married. How hypocritical of me?

[Junket]

Yes Im sure its what I want. Ive wanted it for a very long time. Despite his urge to not get married we have very few issues in our relationship. We get along well, we enjoy being around one another. I have had many relationships in the past were I was never married. And I knew in those relationships that I did not want to marry the person I was with. The reasons why I want to marry him vary. I want a promise from him that I can always expect him to be there for me even if we argue and fight. I want him to prove to me through marriage that he feels like Im the only one for him and that he's not just going to walk out on me on a whim if anything goes wrong. My children want us married as well. But that doesnt really determine my decision and need for marriage. Its more of an emotional thing for me then anything. Its really hard to explain but I want to share the rest of my life with him, and I want to do it legaly and bindingly. Being a girlfriend just isnt enough for me. I need that sense of security and love that I just cant get by him telling me that he loves me. Anyone can say it, but it doesnt mean anything till they show it and prove it. So to me marriage is a proof of love and dedication.

The act of marriage doesn't prove a god damn thing and you know it.

Secondly, of your reasons to get married, all I see is how worried you are he will leave.

Maybe if you keep doing what you've been doing you'll have nothing to worry about, since nowadays, marriage doesn't stop a man from leaving, it just slows him down.

[HouseMouse]

Thats a very mean thing to say. And very untrue. You picked apart what I said and made it sound horrible. Your cinical and down right cold. I asked for suggestions, not for someone to bash me.

[misombra]

if you want to give him a good reason for marrying you, tell him to do it so that he can make you happy. if that's not a good enough reason for him than i don't know what to tell you.

[Aeradalia]

No need to debate the pro's and cons of a marriage here... the fact remains you want to get married and he doesn't... only one of you can win... either you don't get married and he wins... or you do get married and you win...

He won't be happy being married... and you're not happy being unmarried... one of you will have to give up what you want...

So far it seems like it's you...

Can you live with the idea he may never marry you?

[Junket]

Everything sounds fine except you're getting all worked up about this idea of marriage.

If it's really that big a deal to you, why not leave him?

It'll be easy since you're not married.

[lesa]

If you really wanted to be wife, why are you doing the "play wife" thing? Obviously, he likes the "play wife" more than whatever this real wife may be. To him, it couldn't possibly be good. It's going to be a cold day in hell before he risk his livelihood for whatever benefit you get out of marriage. He has all of his benefits. I can't think of any traps.

[Indignant]

Thats a very mean thing to say. And very untrue. You picked apart what I said and made it sound horrible. Your cinical and down right cold. I asked for suggestions, not for someone to bash me.

you have to realize that those against marriage are unmarried themselves therefore no need to ask their advice. wait until happily married couple give you their opinion on it - vashti, giga and whomever else.

in my opinion he is very shallow to ever think about how much it would cost him to divorce you considering that he has 2 kids with you. it would've been an argument if no children were involved. first of all your children are bastards until he marries you. he gets to introduce you as his wife, instead of baby mama or girlfriend. security of your children in case something happens, such as divorce or death. your peace of mind should be considered as well, the happier you are, the better you will treat him, and not resent as you do now.

second of all, your children will be brought up knowing the right values in life. comparing to having your daughter being impregnated and not being married, cuz my momma did so. or having a son who does the same to other females and learning how to respect women early in life.

[Junket]

you have to realize that those against marriage are unmarried themselves therefore no need to ask their advice. wait until happily married couple give you their opinion on it - vashti, giga and whomever else.

in my opinion he is very shallow to ever think about how much it would cost him to divorce you considering that he has 2 kids with you. it would've been an argument if no children were involved. first of all your children are bastards until he marries you. he gets to introduce you as his wife, instead of baby mama or girlfriend. security of your children in case something happens, such as divorce or death. your peace of mind should be considered as well, the happier you are, the better you will treat him, and not resent as you do now.

second of all, your children will be brought up knowing the right values in life. comparing to having your daughter being impregnated and not being married, cuz my momma did so. or having a son who does the same to other females and learning how to respect women early in life.

Wait Indig, are you happily married?

[lesa]

A happy man marries because he wants to not because someone persuaded him. I say back off until he decides it's good. Will he?

He's not going to be too happy if she tries to get him to marry just becaus she is not happy now in her present situation...but had "appeared" to be to him. What caused this sudden change?....that's his view.