Marriage - How does it benifit men?

[HouseMouse]

Me and my partner have been together for 7 years in April. We have 2 kids together and lived together ever since the first year. I want to get married and he doesnt. We had the discussion last night and he asked me why I wanted to get married so bad. Of course I had a whole slue of reasons, most of them emotional. And then he says to me "Whats in it for me?"
He was serious. Of course he doesnt think marrying me will change anything for the better. He tells me marriage does a relationship one of two things, either it gets worse and the relationship falls appart. Or it stays the same.
So what do I tell a man that already has everything marriage has to offer, to make him want to tie the knot?

[ecojeanne]

there is no benefit other than having legal say so over the break up and the children...altho saying that men have a lot more responsibility lately legally even if not married. men aren't keen on getting married.....btw WHY do you want to get married, are you sure thats really what YOU want and not whats expected of you?

[Aeradalia]

Suggest a prenuptial agreement.. then he might go for it...

However, I would strongly advise against forcing your ideals on him... You've been together and stable for 7 years... why risk all of that for a piece of paper?

[HouseMouse]

btw WHY do you want to get married, are you sure thats really what YOU want and not whats expected of you?

Yes Im sure its what I want. Ive wanted it for a very long time. Despite his urge to not get married we have very few issues in our relationship. We get along well, we enjoy being around one another. I have had many relationships in the past were I was never married. And I knew in those relationships that I did not want to marry the person I was with. The reasons why I want to marry him vary. I want a promise from him that I can always expect him to be there for me even if we argue and fight. I want him to prove to me through marriage that he feels like Im the only one for him and that he's not just going to walk out on me on a whim if anything goes wrong. My children want us married as well. But that doesnt really determine my decision and need for marriage. Its more of an emotional thing for me then anything. Its really hard to explain but I want to share the rest of my life with him, and I want to do it legaly and bindingly. Being a girlfriend just isnt enough for me. I need that sense of security and love that I just cant get by him telling me that he loves me. Anyone can say it, but it doesnt mean anything till they show it and prove it. So to me marriage is a proof of love and dedication.

[HouseMouse]

Suggest a prenuptial agreement.. then he might go for it...

However, I would strongly advise against forcing your ideals on him... You've been together and stable for 7 years... why risk all of that for a piece of paper?

Ive considered that, Im reading up on it here lately. Trying to figure out how prenups work.

As for why risk it? Whats to risk? Really what will marriage risk in a relationship, I see it as a way to make it stronger?

[vashti]

Married men live longer and healthier lives. They also earn higher wages. I don't know why, but studies have shown that they do.

However, none of that really matters. I hate to tell you this hun, but if this man hasn't bothered to marry you even after you gave birth to TWO of his children, he is very unlikely to EVER marry you. He is just blowing smoke up your ass.

[IndiReloaded]

I need that sense of security and love that I just cant get by him telling me that he loves me. Anyone can say it, but it doesnt mean anything till they show it and prove it. So to me marriage is a proof of love and dedication.

Marriage isn't a proof of love. It IS a form of commitment, which you might mean by 'dedication'.

Why don't you post what YOU think the benefits are to him? That would demonstrate a far better understanding of his viewpoint, which you could then discuss with him. Or can't you think of any?

[HouseMouse]

To be honest. Im old fassion. And I really loved him when we first had sex (we had been together for a year). We had already discussed getting married, I had a ring, and dress and planned where we would have our honey moon. I guess I was waiting before I had sex with him to get married. But things happened and I caved. After that he just sort of lost intrest in getting married. One excuse after another till he finally just told me he didnt want to get married to me. He has shown no sign of not wanting to be with me. Just that he doesnt want to marry me. He said that divorce is so expensive and he doesnt want to risk having to pay a hefty divorce fee or have me strip him blind if we ever did break up. He said you cant predict the future and even if we are madly in love now, who knows what could happen many years from now. To me it sounds like he is afraid cause of all the horrible stories he has heard about marriage. Even his parents are divorced and have been ever since he was 8.

I would like to tell you what he could benifit out of the marriage. But to be honest Ive already gave him everything a man gains with marriage other then a document, tax rights and ring.
In my mind what a man gains when he gets married is a wife, children, a home with a family, and as much sex as he wants with the woman he married. But well we already have all that since we have been living together for many many years. There is nothing extra he could gain I dont think. Unless its an emotional thing like I would gain. But I doubt it is since he is so sure Im going no where and that he is happy with the way things are.

[IndiReloaded]

In my mind what a man gains when he gets married is a wife, children, a home with a family, and as much sex as he wants with the woman he married. But well we already have all that since we have been living together for many many years. There is nothing extra he could gain I dont think. Unless its an emotional thing like I would gain. But I doubt it is since he is so sure Im going no where and that he is happy with the way things are.

I think you are selling yourself short, Mouse.

What do you think it means to be a Wife, then?

[Cbrider]

I little off topic, but a prenuptial agreement seems to kind of defeat the basis of marriage....trust.

"I trust you...almost..."

[IndiReloaded]

I think prenupts make total sense if one is marrying later in life, Rider. Especially if one has amassed significant assets and their partner hasn't. A prenupt isn't a statement about how things are shared in marriage, only in the event of divorce.

Anyway, like all things in life, compromise is always possible. There are prenupts with a specified length. Sunset? Sundown? I forget the term, but basically it weeds out golddiggers who marry quickly for money and then divorce for half.

Think about it. Would you put your profitable business at risk by merging with another without a discussion of how debt and assets are to be settled if the partner walks after a year? The fact you love your partner has no bearing on the business side of the relationship.

[HouseMouse]

I think you are selling yourself short, Mouse.

What do you think it means to be a Wife, then?

Well I will admit that it doesnt sound too good of a life for a woman. Being a wife, mother and sex toy. But that was just a short sum of what he gets. I could go into a huge detailed explination of what a wife is but I just figured everyone already knew what a wife was.

To me being a wife is very complex. It varies for many different people cause everyone has their own opinion of what a person should be to the person they marry.

To me a wife however, is someone who is there for you when your down, takes care of you when your slacking, shares your life experiances with you and makes you feel like your not alone. A wife picks up where your mother left off and helps you be a better person, makes you want to be a better person. She gives you a family to love and herself to love. She takes care of you when your sick, and worries about you just as much as she would one of her children. lol she pays the bills for you while your resting after work so you dont have to take everything on by yourself. She's a counciler and always lends an ear to listen to your problems, giving as much advice as she can. She pretends to like your parents and friends even if they are ass holes and jerks just so you can feel proud to have such a classy catch. She accepts your faults and trys to help you fix them some times and she never makes you feel insecure about them. A wife to me is the part of you that your missing, that makes you whole and keeps you going when you think you cant do it any more. The one that always finds a way around troubled situations and times to keep you afloat. She shares your likes and dislikes, cleans up after your messes and allows you to live all your fantasies out with her as your muse.

I think thats a bit of the things I think a wife is, I could probably go on and on and on with things like that but we dont have all day to read something like that lol.

[Gribble]

I could never, ever marry without a pre-nup. I have absolutely no doubt that the girl I'm head over heels for today is the girl whose guts I hate tomorrow.

And the odds are terrible. Better than 50% odds that your marriage falls apart. It isn't a game of Black Jack where you lose a couple of bucks more than half the time. You stand to lose a solid chunk of your assets if you don't protect yourself. And all because you let your idiotic little emotions take control.

[Aeradalia]

This is self-sacrifice if ever I heard it...

What of your needs HouseMouse?

[HouseMouse]

This is self-sacrifice if ever I heard it...

What of your needs HouseMouse?

Well I was just asked what I thought a wife was. So I didnt list any of what a husband is to me. I know it may sound like he is a horrible selfish person. But he has had so many bad examples of marriages in his life. He has every right to be afraid of being married. Thats why Im trying to understand how I can make him feel more comfortable with doing it. Cause I know he has a fear of it. He has out right told me he does.

He does treat me right. He puts me first a lot. Anything I want, I dont have to ask for. He compliments me a lot so that I know Im desired and attractive to him. He always thanks me for the things I do for him. We have very good communication. No secrets, and a lot of trust. I think with out those things the relationship would have already been over. We spend every second with each other when he is not at work. Most of his friends and family already think we are married, just from assumptions of how close we are with each other. We are good parents to our kids, they dont seem to show any bad reactions to us not being married. Other then the random question from our 7 year old ever so often, which is "When are you two going to get married, I want to be a flower girl already" lol she has a good understanding that mommy and daddy do love each other. its clear that we do in the way we communicate with each other not only through words but with body language. We are always holding onto one another in a close comfortable way no matter were we are, weither it be in public, at home or with friends and family. Marriage is the only problem I have to complain about in the relationship. And its all my complaint, not his. So please dont think he is a bad person, and treats me poorly, cause he is not. He tries his best all the time to make me feel good about myself. He is not abusive to me what so ever. He doesnt have insecurities with me dressing any certain way, or who I talk to, or where I go or what I do. He is very trusting of me. And treats me with respect.