VERY Long Read: My Marriage Is In Ruins, Please Help

[bluesummer]

And now she's gone. It's almost a full month since she left and I don't feel any better. I cannot move on. I don't want to move on. To a certain extent I refuse to move on because I feel what she did was wholly unfair to me and I deserve a chance to make it right.

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A month is still very early, and it's still fresh. I'm sorry to tell you that you're going to need a much longer time period before this is going to stop hurting, and it will still always hurt a little bit when you think about it.

Yes, what she did was unfair. So why do you think that YOU have to make it right? It's not like you didn't try. The onus is on her to make things right. If you feel that you want to keep the door open, that is your choice, but there's a point when any additional effort from you is a waste of time. If she wants to fix things, she has to want to, and also be willing to accept her share of the blame.

[lhn]

I think the only thing that you can possibly do, in an attempt to sort yourself out is to become attractive to her again. You're now facing a race against the clock.

Hit the gym, make a physical difference to yourself. Leave her be for a while (defo the most difficult thing) as right now, the harder you try, the worse things will get. Its a hole that will just keep getting deeper and deeper otherwise.

You have to think about things and make a decision based on clarity as to whether things could ever work again from here on inwards.

Like a lot of people on here... you took things for granted and then it's too late. It really is as simple and as painful as that.
Its horrible and made worse by the fact it happened so fast into your marriage.

She imagined marriage to be a world of pleasure and commitment and closeness. You delivered the opposite and now it just might be too late.

very very very hard to swallow.

Goodluck

[ChristianonLI]

After speaking to her again tonight it is a guarantee she's never going to come back. And here's why.

After she left, I apologized profusely for days until we met up and she declared it over. Said I had abused her verbally by accusing her of lying and ripped her heart out by asking for the engagement ring back. I kept apologizing, begging her, saying whatever I thought was needed.

But then I made more mistakes. I began to flip flop between being angry with her and trying to beg her back. Every few days I would either try to explain myself and appeal to her heart and when she refused to give me the chance, I'd get angry. And then a few days later, the next time I contacted her, I would be in a totally different frame of mind, refusing to accept blame and placing it all on her, even reverting back to the accusations of cheating that at one moment feel so obvious to me but at the next moment don't seem plausible.

Now tonight she pointed this out, how I would go from apologetic to angry and that this is a clear sign of instability and, of course, good reason for her to leave. I tried to explain that I had a right to be mad for her refusals to work on things from the start but that didn't matter, apparently getting mad from time to time means to her I'm a terrible person who doesn't deserve her wonderful love and she just needs to find someone who can "actually love me" according to her.

And she still stands by how I NEVER ONCE made her feel loved. Even if that were true it wasn't on purpose and I was prepared to start showing it more in the way she expected it to be shown. I called her stubborn and immature and she just dismissed me. So I'm stuck between two extremes: believing I am capable of loving someone and that she just wasn't right for me, or... believing that I am incapable of showing love and I will just repeat this until the day I die.

I'm so confused, people. I don't know what to believe anymore. I WANT to believe she was at fault but I can't hold onto that for very long. I showed her this thread I wrote and she started to try and poke holes in it and say how I only told my side. Here are some things she mentioned.

1. She swears she told me she went to the baseball game with a group of friends and that I only wanted to hear it was with one guy when I know without a doubt what she told me the Sunday she returned after being out since Friday.

2. I didn't get Chantix to quit smoking the day after the ultimatum was given to me.

3. Her gym schedule was something she'd been holding for a year and that I just didn't notice.

4. I wanted to look at her computer screen on purpose.

5. She has nothing in common with my friends when we would go out which would apparently justify not even trying to socialize with them.

6. The person at the theater, according to her, wasn't "fighting" with the concession clerk, only making a rude request.

Whatever though. These things don't change the larger details in my opinion. What do you all think?

[Gigabitch]

There are two people contributing to the problem here, not just you.

She said "I do" to a guy who played WOW all night, smoked and didn't take care of himself. That, right there, is enough for me to think she's a fool. Then she expected you to change? And when you did, it wasn't enough?

I'm not sure this breakup isn't a good thing.

[ChristianonLI]

I'm fairly sure it's a terrible thing, Giga. She was completely selfish and her own personal happiness was more important to her than the survival of US as a couple.

It's been a few days since I last spoke to her. I'm leaving her alone as so many have instructed, I only hope I can survive the waiting game until she contacts me. IF she contacts me.

I'm not going to just live the rest of my life without her. Not after all we went through. Not after getting married, having a honeymoon and leaving all those wonderful memories in my head to haunt me until I die. Those memories need closure. I need closure. And the only closure that is acceptable is her coming back and being happy.

[IndiReloaded]

She's gone, dude. You have to let things take their course now. Maybe she will see the 'new you' and figure she's made a mistake. Or not. But you hounding her will only drive her further away.

Same for showing her your soft underbelly. Stop it. At this point, all it will get you is your guts displayed for her to eyeball with detached curiosity. She shows all the signs of a woman who has given up on you. Don't expect sympathy b/c you won't get it.

[bluesummer]

As the old cliche goes, it takes two to tango, and she is very clearly unable to see her own fault in any of this. No one is completely blameless. So basically, she thinks she's perfect and hasn't done ANYTHING wrong, that yo are the sole reason your marriage broke down?

I call bullshit.

Not only that, are you trying to say that you'll accept all the blame she's thrown at you and take her back with open arms? I know you love her, but she is not showing signs of loving you back. No matter what your offences, you deserve better than that.

[ChristianonLI]

Yes, I would gladly accept all the blame now and forever if it meant she'd come back. I would swallow every last ounce of pride, Bluesummer, to get her back into my life. I'd let her lead me around on an actual leash if I had to.

[IndiReloaded]

Oh man. Well, just put your heart on a plate and give her a fork and knife then. I hope you keep a spare someplace.