Involved with professor - big mistake

[BoredGeorge]

If you tell tales on him you are a bad person. Please leave this poor man alone to get on with his life.

[Konsig]

Almos everything I wanted to say has already been put into words quite well by others. I only have one thing to add:

He told me he didn't want to be serious about me and that he'd never intended to be. I got many mixed messages from his behavior versus what he said, we argued a lot, and I felt misled and hurt. Around this same time I heard rumors from various sources that this professor had been physically involved with other students in the past. I asked him about the rumors, he blew up at me, and that was definitely the end of any connection between us.

• Either he really never intended to be serious, and you misinterpreted his behaviour because you wanted to see the opposite,
• or he never intended to be serious, and misled you by acting as if he did,
• or he at one point truly believed it could become something serious, but is now pretending as if that was never true.

Anyway, right now you know he doesn't anymore, so don't beat yourself up over what was or what wasn't. Take a deep breath, and act as if was 15 years ago and doesn't affect you anymore than any other relation from back in those days.

I wish you well.

[Only-virgins]

Didn't I read this thread like 3 years ago on here? wtf? sounds exactly the same. Maybe I'm just going crazy.

[Elizabeth48]

If you tell tales on him you are a bad person. Please leave this poor man alone to get on with his life.

I hope this is a joke. Let me point out a few things I've said earlier.

1. I have no intention of turning him in.
2. I'm the one who cut our contact.
3. He's the one who changed his story and has questionable motives.

I don't understand the motivation behind speaking to me like I'm a 'woman scorned' or out to 'tell tales' when I've made my point already: I'm the one who walked away from this and kept my mouth shut. The question I'm asking is how to deal with the emotional aftermath. I have 'left the poor man alone' (give me a break) by choice. What I'm trying to do is deal with it myself now. This has caused some emotional damage.

Nobody seems to see the point that he may have done this with other students. That makes him a predator, not a poor man, but because I have no hard evidence of that and it's not my business anyhow, I haven't even pursued that. I have cut contact and walked away. Try reading the thread before you tell me what you think of me/ what to do.

To all those people saying 'he won't get fired/ can't get in trouble' for this, let me clarify something else I said: My school has a policy specifically stating that this is an offense worthy of termination. Whether it would happen or not is up for grabs, but it's not like I made up the idea that he could get in trouble for it.

[Elizabeth48]

• Either he really never intended to be serious, and you misinterpreted his behaviour because you wanted to see the opposite,
• or he never intended to be serious, and misled you by acting as if he did,
• or he at one point truly believed it could become something serious, but is now pretending as if that was never true.

Anyway, right now you know he doesn't anymore, so don't beat yourself up over what was or what wasn't. Take a deep breath, and act as if was 15 years ago and doesn't affect you anymore than any other relation from back in those days.

I wish you well.

Thank you for the advice. For the record, he introduced me to his parents, we spent every day together and were planning a vacation together, I was close to all of his friends who referred to us as a couple, and he said a number of things implying a future together. I suppose I'm naive, but yeah, I believe I was misled.

[vashti]

Elizabeth, you sound manipulative. You were a fully consenting adult, and not some doe-eyed 18 year old kid, which makes you a rather unsympathetic case. If I were on faculty at this university, I wouldn't blink an eye at your relationship because of your age.

The vast majority of people who take a chance at loving someone lose at least once. This was your time to lose. Do it like a big girl, and move on. You will have to grieve - just like anyone else who has their heart broken - and then you will hopefully move on, just like the rest of us.

BTW - how do you know he won't recommend you for grad school? Has he said this?

[qwertz]

If you tell tales on him you are a bad person. Please leave this poor man alone to get on with his life.

Back on form i see, BJ.

Seriously elizabeth, you do sound bitter, you wont gain anything from telling anyone about it, you made the decision to sleep with him, and really you have come out on top, things couldve been much worse. Just move on.

[Elizabeth48]

I fail to understand how I can be both naive and manipulative. And I am bitter because I'm hurt, but please note if I was acting out of bitterness I would have turned him in or something. I didn't. All I did was back off the relationship and now I'm trying to get over it.

[Elizabeth48]

Back on form i see, BJ.

Seriously elizabeth, you do sound bitter, you wont gain anything from telling anyone about it, you made the decision to sleep with him, and really you have come out on top, things couldve been much worse. Just move on.

Please see the post above yours where I already said I'm not planning to tell. Christ, I'm repeating myself here. I'm frustrated by the fact that in my very first post I said I wasn't going to tell, but because someone along the way here said I was bad if I told, now everyone is misreading my question.

[Primo]

If you're letting go how did you bother to 'learn' that there's a termination policy at the university for teacher/student relationships? You're posting alot more info than someone who got hurt and is moving on. Elizabeth, move on. If you're worried about references, I'm sure he'll come through because he doesn't want to rock your emotional boat either.

FYI, guys don't usually cut permanent contact if you keep coming back and give more pussy. Keep that in mind.

[helenbythesea]

you do sound bitter. If I were you, I would never have thought about "turning someone". as old as we are, its just very childish and WONT DO YOU ANY GOOD.
I would just walk away with a smile. If anyone asks (I am sure there will be as involved as you were), just say you just knew each other as friends. In the end, he would write you letters right? why you are thinking its because you have slept with him? you have put some of your effort into classes, havent you? So never think short of yourself, as it'll bring extra grief to not only you also other inocent people.
In some ways this professors is more vulnarable than you because you have the nerve to think about "turning him in", he, on the other hand, has the good intention to write you great letters. either he doesnt want to get into trouble or what else, it dosent matter. as long as you get into your ideal school, find a new man, forget all this altogether. you dont want this to be a hurdle Mr. Right will hesitate to get close to you because, well, its a public knowledge you're officially a bitch, you "turn him in" after love's gone sour.
Trust me, at this stage of your life, you dont want to be a bitch and stupid at the same time.
I may sound harsh, but thats some thoughts there. Think positive and tomorrow will always be better.

[IndiReloaded]

Mr. Right will hesitate to get close to you because, well, its a public knowledge you're officially a bitch, you "turn him in" after love's gone sour.
Trust me, at this stage of your life, you dont want to be a bitch and stupid at the same time.

I agree with Helen. You are just hurt and looking for a way to get back at him, even if its just fantasizing revenge in your mind. You need to get out of this mindset. Everyone here agrees he's an ass, but you are only going to drag yourself down wondering why or trying to change or teach him a lesson.

Karma is a bitch. He will get his, believe it. This type of behaviour never goes unpunished.

As for the university policy, you are very naive. Every college/uni has this rule. But the reality of enforcing it is another matter. In fact, such a rule would only get invoked as an *excuse* to fire an already problem faculty. Even using these relationships as a reason to deny him tenure would only really play out if there were problems with his professional performance. You have no idea how difficult it is to fire someone from his position.

[lahnnabell]

I work for a billion-dollar corporation that has similar rules about such conduct, and yet it is still nearly impossible to fire someone for those offenses. More often than not someone leaves the business because management has cornered them and rubbed them out. Upper management makes scheduling a hassle, shortens their hours, etc. until the person decides they don't care anymore and leaves. I've seen it happen multiple times.

[IndiReloaded]

Of course, are you really going to fire a million-plus account manager b/c he (or she!) likes to pat the bottoms of the office girls. LOL. Not a chance.

[BoredGeorge]

I hope this is a joke. Let me point out a few things I've said earlier.

1. I have no intention of turning him in.
2. I'm the one who cut our contact.
3. He's the one who changed his story and has questionable motives.

I don't understand the motivation behind speaking to me like I'm a 'woman scorned' or out to 'tell tales' when I've made my point already: I'm the one who walked away from this and kept my mouth shut. The question I'm asking is how to deal with the emotional aftermath. I have 'left the poor man alone' (give me a break) by choice. What I'm trying to do is deal with it myself now. This has caused some emotional damage.

Nobody seems to see the point that he may have done this with other students. That makes him a predator, not a poor man, but because I have no hard evidence of that and it's not my business anyhow, I haven't even pursued that. I have cut contact and walked away. Try reading the thread before you tell me what you think of me/ what to do.

To all those people saying 'he won't get fired/ can't get in trouble' for this, let me clarify something else I said: My school has a policy specifically stating that this is an offense worthy of termination. Whether it would happen or not is up for grabs, but it's not like I made up the idea that he could get in trouble for it.

Well you are the one who probably thought it would be fun and an adventure to sleep with your professor and now you are asking for sympathy because you have to deal with the emotional aftermath of your choice ?

I do not understand you at all, but if I had to guess I would say you just like drama and are looking for an excuse to turn him into the villian of this story.

You know that lots of people don't get a choice so maybe you should just get over it and go and live your life.

If there is so much emotional aftermath why then did you leave him in the first place ?