Dealing with the girlfriend's past...

[Lost.Perspectiv]

LP, you need to simplify the issues between you and her. It seems to me that what you really need to be concerned about, is not her past sexual practices, but the methods each of you use to solve relationship problems. You are willing/able to try to communicate your feelings/issues, she is unwilling/unable to do the same, so when you two attempt to "discus", issues separating you, the conversation goes nowhere. This isn't going to change. She is an evasive person, and you are an "upfront", type. Do you really see this working out to the satisfaction of both?

You know...with almost any other discussion, we are both on the same page. Honest, upfront, calm, and logical. In fact, you could say that many of our arguments follow the ideal "format", and we are capable of coming to solutions on our own.

i.e.
Me: "I need you to know that X situation makes me feel very uncomfortable."
Her: "Why is that so? That's the last thing I'd want to do."
Me: "Because Y and Z, I feel XX and react with YY."
Her: "I understand. I will try to be more XY, and please try to be more XZ in the future if this bothers you."

...wow, that makes us sound like robots. However, I think you get the idea that we are capable of talking through issues most of the time.

However...with this issue, this side of her emerges that really surprises me. Of course, I'm sure she is just reacting due to fear of rejection, as she knows how important this topic is to me.

You're right. We need to see eye to eye on this, or it doesn't bode well for the future.

[UnnamedSong]

UNS, you make a very good point, but is her past sex anything more than "the issue of the moment"? I would be much more concerned about her inability/unwillingness to communicate. After all, in any relationship, many issues will arise, that will have to be dealt with. If she is doing this now, how well does that bode for the future?

Well, I was only of that opinion, on his statement that every other conversation is fine. It seemed to be only "this topic" that causes a barrier, and I wonder if that barrier is not caused by her fear of what he'll say if he gets the answers he seeks, knowing how he feels about these things. If every topic causes so much trouble, sure it does not bode well for the future and of course both parties should move on.

[UnnamedSong]

However...with this issue, this side of her emerges that really surprises me. Of course, I'm sure she is just reacting due to fear of rejection, as she knows how important this topic is to me.

You're right. We need to see eye to eye on this, or it doesn't bode well for the future.

Of course she is reacting to that. You make it clear how you feel about this topic. She probably wants to leave it in the past, as it is indeed the past.(which is not always, though admittedly sometimes relevant to the present)

It seems you are just going to have to decide how far to press it. If she is that worried about rejection based on her past, she probably isn't going to budge. You're not ok with her keeping silent (though still often when you dig into such topics in a person you love's past, you'll only find pain. Once you learn something you don't want to know, and don't need to know, you can't un-learn it). Naturally that is going to cause this side of her to come out.

If this is the only problem you guys have in an otherwise great relationship, I really hope you can both work it out and move forward. I can't tell you how to feel about sex and what her past may or may not be. But everyone has something in their past. It doesn't make any of us inherently bad people, or bad mates. I hope somehow it can work out for the best, for both of you

[Moe]

Not to seem like I have ignored anything you have said... But...

Given a person's past, it can be hard to deal with some things. Everyone is different, views life differently, approaches things differently. You view sex, casual sex anyway it seems, quite differently than her, or a lot of people. While I myself never practiced, and never can understand how another person could practice, casual sex... It's simply not my business. If my girlfriend had several partners in the past, but is with me NOW, and faithful NOW, what should I care about her past for? If that were the life she wanted, that would be the life she was still living.
This is similar to my beliefs as I stated with my ex what was in her past was before me after all she may not have liked my past either. As long as you can trust her as I did.
Some people make mistakes in their past. Some people just flat out change. Maybe things that were fun in her past, or that she never really thought about in the moment, that she feels very differently about now. If you want to keep her, you need to find a way to let go of a past that isn't even yours to worry about in the first place. If you dig into her past, what will that accomplish?

You say you can't handle what you don't know. Think long and hard about it. Assume she had a "bad" past. Say she slept a lot of people, whatever... I mean, who knows. At some point she changed, she is in love with you, faithful to you, wants a future with YOU, no matter the past she had, this is the present. Is learning about something you'll possibly be unable to cope with, that is done, over, finished, not your problem... worth losing her? If it's worth the risk by all means press it. But if you love her enough and want to keep her, let go of all that stuff, and just see her for who she is now. People change. See them for what they are, not what they were.

But here's the problem when people have a checkered past. Changing for a short time is an easy start. Staying the path just like an addict is hard and takes work and communication with your partner. My ex and I in three years never had an argument or fight. The first time she ever had an issue with me she ran away without even a discussion, later some of the reasons she gave were down right ridiculous but it was to late to talk she just wanted to run.
Now I find out months later by her friends that she's done this her entire life and I was one of her longest relationships.

Do you want to always be wondering if she going to want to communicate with you over any little problem?

[Lost.Perspectiv]

Lots of good posts, so I'll try to address each in a single post so as to avoid eating up too much bandwidth.

Are you having issues with this because you feel she isn't pure enough? Is this a religious thing for you? Or is it mounting jealousy because you feel inadequate? What is underneath your core belief that her past was the wrong path to walk? It all comes down to you in the end. This issue is stirring uncomfortable feelings in you. Issues are rarely so black and white that we an label them "right or wrong". What is right for one person is not right for another.

Hey neighbor! I'm in Orange County, land of expensive cars and plastic surgery. I used to live in San Diego, and I do miss it.

Regarding "purity"...that's a word I'd like to avoid. For one, there's no such thing as "pure" or "unpure", and someone's past sexual indiscretions do not make them less of a person. As for this being a religious thing...in a way, though more of a personal values thing, instead of specifically a religious thing. As for jealousy/inadequacy...kinda sorta not really. I have no doubt about the quality of our sex life (when it happens), nor my ability to please her.

I suppose the main issue I'm struggling with her total unwillingness to discuss this with me, the lack of respect she's been showing me regarding her reasoning, and her ability to keep things from me. That concerns me at the moment.

Not to seem like I have ignored anything you have said... But...

Given a person's past, it can be hard to deal with some things. Everyone is different, views life differently, approaches things differently. You view sex, casual sex anyway it seems, quite differently than her, or a lot of people. While I myself never practiced, and never can understand how another person could practice, casual sex... It's simply not my business. If my girlfriend had several partners in the past, but is with me NOW, and faithful NOW, what should I care about her past for? If that were the life she wanted, that would be the life she was still living.

Some people make mistakes in their past. Some people just flat out change. Maybe things that were fun in her past, or that she never really thought about in the moment, that she feels very differently about now. If you want to keep her, you need to find a way to let go of a past that isn't even yours to worry about in the first place. If you dig into her past, what will that accomplish?

You say you can't handle what you don't know. Think long and hard about it. Assume she had a "bad" past. Say she slept a lot of people, whatever... I mean, who knows. At some point she changed, she is in love with you, faithful to you, wants a future with YOU, no matter the past she had, this is the present. Is learning about something you'll possibly be unable to cope with, that is done, over, finished, not your problem... worth losing her? If it's worth the risk by all means press it. But if you love her enough and want to keep her, let go of all that stuff, and just see her for who she is now. People change. See them for what they are, not what they were.

You know...there's a touchiness and a certain "blase" attitude regarding sexual indiscretions that I'm a little confused about. It seems that some past indiscretions are perfectly acceptable to speak about, but sexual information is completely taboo.

Here's the thing: If I was once a felon, but have since completely changed...my future wife/partner deserves to know this. If I once visited prostitutes frequently, and have since changed...she deserves to know this. If I was an alcoholic, and have since changed...you get the idea.

I am divorced, and the divorce was extremely personal and painful. However, it really was none of my girlfriend's business...it's in the past, the situation is confusing, and it won't affect my present. In addition, a LOT of women my age (mid-late 20s) will reject a divorced man as "damaged goods"...so I took a huge risk in letting her know this because I feel that honest transparency regarding past relationships is an important thing. In addition, it allowed me to explain how I've changed, what i did wrong/right, and what I learned from the situation.

All I'm asking for is the same.

Some of you may feel that past sexual indiscretions are not a current partner's business. You are entitled to that belief.

However, if I am looking to marry this woman, raise children with her, teach our children morals...how am I to know if this is the right person without understanding her past, how she's grown, and what her values past/present are?

UNS, you make a very good point, but is her past sex anything more than "the issue of the moment"? I would be much more concerned about her inability/unwillingness to communicate. After all, in any relationship, many issues will arise, that will have to be dealt with. If she is doing this now, how well does that bode for the future?

This is a great point, and I really have nothing to add to that.

[ctom18]

Your update throws up more red flags than the initial situation even did.

She has a past that involves an amount of sexual partners that you are uncomfortable with? That seems like a resonable thing that, while unsettling, could be worked through given honest communication.

She can't even talk about a problem in an honest, rational way? She feels comfortable lying to you, and she thinks she knows what's best for you better than you do? All that stuff seems like a MAJOR problem.