Dealing with the girlfriend's past...

[Lost.Perspectiv]

Merry Christmas!

I had a few moments, and thought I'd share something I'm struggling with. I've read some excellent comments and opinions here, and I've learned to respect you guys. Hopefully, I can adequately communicate what's going on in my head without sounding like the judgmental a-hole I feel like. Comments, criticisms, stories, advice, etc...are all welcome. I will apologize in advance, as this may be lengthy.

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year. We love each other, but it hasn't been an easy relationship. We've had our issues, personal and relationship-wise, and it has been a challenge to always see eye to eye on things. We are now living together, and comfortable with each other. However, there is something that has been eating at me for quite a while.

First off, she and I came into this relationship with a lot of past baggage. So much baggage, in fact, that it would take several more novel-length posts to outline all of it. Suffice to say that we started the relationship off with a strict "No Baggage" agreement...an understanding that we wouldn't talk about past relationships. This is, in large part, what ultimately led to my current problem.

You see, I am very traditional and old fashioned when it comes to sexual promiscuity. I have always been very selective in my partners, have never had casual sex, never rushed into sex, and sex is a very sacred, spiritual, and meaningful thing to me. The idea of being promiscuous is alien and, for lack of a better word, very disturbing to me. Up until recently, I have always "screened" (very casually, of course) potential girlfriends about this during the "courting" phase (before emotions and body parts become involved). I'm also a "relationship guy", and my own "number" is relatively small (under 10) and limited to relationships. This is by choice, and I prefer not to become involved with someone who does not share that same attitude.

Early on during our "courting" period, we had an email exchange that I made some very foolish assumptions about. She wrote some things in this email that gave me the very definite impression that we saw "eye to eye" on this...in fact, the way she presented her views made us seem identical.

Fast forward 7-8 months.

We're having a casual discussion about some of our "deal breakers" when it comes to dating. At this point we're very much a couple, pretty much living together, intimate, and in love. In discussing our deal breakers, I casually mention my attitudes on dating women with extensive sexual history, among other things (patterns of cheating, current drug use, etc). I hear some of her deal breakers (dishonesty, pattern of cheating, etc), and I think nothing of it.

Fast forward a week.

Out of the blue, she very nervously brings up our discussion about "deal breakers", and mentions that she would not fit into that category for me. I'm crushed, but confused. I thought this was something we already talked about, right? Well...she didn't go into detail (at all), but explained that her past falls into my "deal breaker" category. I was stunned...but I loved her, and wanted to comfort her. I assured her everything was ok, I still loved her, etc... Meanwhile, a massive pit entered into my stomach.

Around this time, we started having a marked decrease in sex. This was supposedly due to latent depression on her end, and I supported her through the issue. Meanwhile, the pit in my stomach grew worse and worse as our sex life declined.

Fast forward three months.

I finally confront her about this pit in my stomach, how I'm feeling, etc. I simply couldn't "get over it", and I explained that we never discussed what exactly she meant, and that I've been very anxious and upset by this for quite a while. The monster in your head is always worse than reality, and I hoped that through an open and honest discussion (from both of us), that we could strengthen our relationship...and help get through this.

She shut down. Refused to talk, nearly grew hysterical. I attempted to communicate in the kindest, most loving and non-judging manner...but she simply shut down and refused to participate.

Not knowing what to do, I blamed myself and figured this was "my problem". I saw a counselor, and a hypnotherapist. I invested a lot of money and time in trying to resolve and understand this part of me. I've read books on the issue, perused forums, and tried to "fix myself". I was convinced that I was wrong to feel so strongly about my partner's past, and that the only solution was to change myself. I even started prescription medication at that point.

So...as you can see, I have really tried to "fix this" on my end. However, the end result of this is not what you'd expect. In fact, through counseling and hypnotherapy I have realized that this is an integral part of my character...part of my core beliefs and values. I've learned to be more loving and considerate regarding past mistakes, but overall understand that there are simply some standards I hold as a person...and that this is not wrong.

Fast forward to today.

I'm unsure of what to do. I love her...but this still eats at me. Some days I can convince myself that it doesn't matter...other days it really upsets me. Our sex life hasn't improved, and now I know that I am contributing to it because of my inner turmoil regarding this issue.

I don't know how to approach this issue without her shutting down...but I feel that if we cannot discuss this, then I will never feel truly safe, content, and happy in this relationship. A part of me feels deceived, as had I known this from the beginning I may have made some different choices. A part of me wants to forget everything and move on (which, as mentioned before, I have sincerely tried). The rational part of me understands that I CAN reconcile a deep seated value IF I understand the situation...but what am I supposed to do if the situation is never discussed?

...

Thanks again for listening, and for any input/comments/criticisms you wish to share.

[Spring Haze]

In fact, through counseling and hypnotherapy I have realized that this is an integral part of my character...part of my core beliefs and values. I've learned to be more loving and considerate regarding past mistakes, but overall understand that there are simply some standards I hold as a person...and that this is not wrong.

So your "core beliefs and values" and "standards" consist of harshly judging the pasts of others.

Not everyone holds the same values as you, and to expect someone else to, particularly when it harms no one, is playing judge, jury, and executioner. And look where it has gotten you - a relationship that is on the verge of collapse.

She should've brought up your "deal breaker" initially, and you shouldn't have shrugged it off or gave her reassurance. This was unfair to you, and her.

I've learned to be more loving and considerate regarding past mistakes, but overall understand that there are simply some standards I hold as a person...and that this is not wrong.

You're "more loving and considerate" now? How so?

The rational part of me understands that I CAN reconcile a deep seated value IF I understand the situation...but what am I supposed to do if the situation is never discussed?

What exactly do you want her to discuss? The specifics of her past encounters? Maybe you should attempt to understand why YOU place such emphasis on what you consider to be 'moral sex,' and more importantly, why YOU think your girlfriend should've chosen the same road as you. What does she think now, have you asked her? She's with you now, why do you care?

Expecting a girlfriend to have as stringent views as you without a 'checkered' past is going to be daunting. Hopefully you are into the super religious, because that's usually who abides by such conduct.

Have you watched the movie Chasing Amy? That might give you some perspective.

Our sex life hasn't improved, and now I know that I am contributing to it because of my inner turmoil regarding this issue.

Is it just affecting your sex life?

[Lost.Perspectiv]

Thank you for your post. This is a pretty touchy subject, and I hope I haven't offended you. I'll respond to your points individually, since you took the time to make multiple points.

So your "core beliefs and values" and "standards" consist of harshly judging the pasts of others.

You're right on this, and when you reduce it the idea does seem very negative. I wish this were something I didn't feel so strongly about, and as I mentioned in my post I have made efforts to redefine my core beliefs and values.

We all have opinions, and nowhere else does an opinion mean more than in choosing who you share your heart with. One person may only date blonds, another person may only date those who are financially stable. Yet another person may only date based on chemistry (I don't say "love" because I think love is cultivated) and attraction regardless of other mitigating factors.

The vast majority of people I know only date when there is some sort of physical attraction...and a lot of people I know only date when they have compatible personalities. Is "sexual morality" (I use this term because you have. Unless I'm dating you, I couldn't care less what your choices have been, and I certainly do not impose my views on others) different when it comes to "standards"? Why is it wrong to choose a partner based on (among other things) a similar pattern of sexual behavior?

Not everyone holds the same values as you, and to expect someone else to, particularly when it harms no one, is playing judge, jury, and executioner. And look where it has gotten you - a relationship that is on the verge of collapse.

You are most certainly right about that. Ask 10 of my neighbors what their morals are, and I'm sure you'll get 10 different answers.

As for playing judge, jury, and executioner...that's a LITTLE melodramatic. I'm not planning to execute anyone here...unless you're talking about my own opinion. But really, who doesn't play judge/jury/executioner with their own opinion? In fact, that's a very good metaphor! Ultimately, our opinions are colored by a culmination of our experience, outside opinions, and logical reasoning...just like a court of law (ideally).

She should've brought up your "deal breaker" initially, and you shouldn't have shrugged it off or gave her reassurance. This was unfair to you, and her.

I agree. I shouldn't have shrugged it off when she first brought it up. In my defense, I would say that I was more concerned about her (she was really nervous), and I was in complete shock. However, you're right.

You're "more loving and considerate" now? How so?

I learned a lot of different things about relationships, the way women think (I had a female therapist), and different ways to improve communication. I learned that frequently, a "One Night Stand" happens because the jerk simply does not call the next day. I learned that most men do not hold the same views I have on sex, and that a lot of women have suffered because of this. In the interest of not making my already long post even longer, I didn't cover a lot of what I learned.

What exactly do you want her to discuss? The specifics of her past encounters? Maybe you should attempt to understand why YOU place such emphasis on what you consider to be 'moral sex,' and more importantly, why YOU think your girlfriend should've chosen the same road as you. What does she think now, have you asked her? She's with you now, why do you care?

This is another good question. For one, I would like to know what that past entails. I don't need numbers, but I'd like to know what a "lot" means to her. If it's a "lot", I'd like to know why there were so many...what kind of beliefs and values she had regarding sex. I'd like to know how this fits in with the initial email exchanges we had that led me to believe we were so similar.

Trust me...the last thing I want to do is dig up all the torrid, personal details that will only haunt ANY living person on this planet.

As for why I place such importance...I think I explained that in my first post. As for why I think my girlfriend should have chosen the same road as me...this doesn't make sense to me. If you were strongly against drug use, would you want a heroine addict? If you were strongly against smoking, would you date a smoker? If you were a devout <insert religion>, wouldn't you want to devote your heart to someone who shared your beliefs?

You're right, she is with me now...and I've sincerely tried to work on this issue without her.

Expecting a girlfriend to have as stringent views as you without a 'checkered' past is going to be daunting. Hopefully you are into the super religious, because that's usually who abides by such conduct.

Now this I don't believe, as I'm not exactly inexperienced when it comes to relationships. I've had several long term relationships, and several short term relationships. In these situations, I never had a problem finding women who at least came close to sharing my beliefs on this. In fact, it's fairly common for women to consider sex more sacred than men.

Have you watched the movie Chasing Amy? That might give you some perspective.

I have, thank you for the reference. In that situation, don't you think Amy should have come out and told the guy the truth? She was dishonest from the start, and that created issues once they fell for each other.

Of course, it's much more entertaining for him to suggest a threesome with his roommate.

Thank you for your response, and your honesty.




Is it just affecting your sex life?[/QUOTE]

[ctom18]

I would think about everything you want to know and everything you want to say. Make sure you've worked this through in your head several times so you make sure nothing gets left out and you have every question worded correctly. Then just talk to her about it at the most appropriate time you find available (I realize no time is a completely comfortable time to talk about stuff like this).

She sounds like the sort of girl who is at least honest. So I imagine whatever it is will come out. My best guess is that she's slept with more guys than you are comfortable with, had multiple one night stands, etc. (I could definately be wrong. Maybe she just slept with one guy she she was in a relationship with that she thought was a mistake, or something like that, but my gut tells me it's the former).

What it comes down to is either you are able to get over her messing around in the past on a level that you are uncomfortable with, or you aren't.

My personal opinion is that people shouldn't be judged too harshly about past sexual relationships, provided no cheating was involved. Stuff happens. But then again, people have different opinions about "morals" concerning sexuality, and it's not necessarily wrong to prefer to be with someone similar to you in your beliefs.

But that's also just me, and if not being promiscuis is a huge deal to you, and you find out she has been, then you need to break up with her. Everyone has different expectations, and if she doesn't meet yours, it is reasonable for you to break up with her to find someone who does.

All in all though, as my last thought, I would think first about the relationship and last about the past before you break up with her over whatever this is.

[misombra]

it's very difficult to hear someone say that something you did is a deal breaker. particularly if you're living with that person. the trust is gone. the ability to talk openly with that person is gone because fear has taken over. once that is gone, out goes the sex. has she told you what these things are? if so than i'm assuming it wasn't a deal breaker for you, as you're still with this person. if not then there are demons to be faced.

she did whatever she did and can't go back and change it. people do a lot of fuked up things that they regret and if the person they love is critical of it on the long term it is detrimental to a relationship.

so basically my advice is either you have to get over it or let her go. i've seen it go both ways and it works out well either way.

[Lost.Perspectiv]

I would think about everything you want to know and everything you want to say. Make sure you've worked this through in your head several times so you make sure nothing gets left out and you have every question worded correctly. Then just talk to her about it at the most appropriate time you find available (I realize no time is a completely comfortable time to talk about stuff like this).

Good advice. We've often fought because of miscommunication, and it won't solve anything if this devolves into a conflict.

She sounds like the sort of girl who is at least honest. So I imagine whatever it is will come out. My best guess is that she's slept with more guys than you are comfortable with, had multiple one night stands, etc. (I could definately be wrong. Maybe she just slept with one guy she she was in a relationship with that she thought was a mistake, or something like that, but my gut tells me it's the former).

If I can get her to actually talk about it, rather than shut down and get hysterical...then I don't doubt she'd be honest. She's a good person. I also have a feeling it isn't as bad as I think it is...and that after our conversation, I'll at least have something concrete to deal with. The worst is not knowing, and dealing with what the brain creates.

What it comes down to is either you are able to get over her messing around in the past on a level that you are uncomfortable with, or you aren't.

Ideally, I'd rather work through this TOGETHER. I have faith that we can deal with this...I just know that I cannot "let it go/get over it" on my own. If we can't deal with it, then she's better off with someone who holds different values.

My personal opinion is that people shouldn't be judged too harshly about past sexual relationships, provided no cheating was involved. Stuff happens. But then again, people have different opinions about "morals" concerning sexuality, and it's not necessarily wrong to prefer to be with someone similar to you in your beliefs.

I agree in a general sense, and I've made decisions in the past that I'm not proud of. However, there is a line between the occasional mistake, and a flagrant pattern of behavior that flies in the face of my values. Right now, I have no idea what I'm dealing with...and that's the hardest part.

But that's also just me, and if not being promiscuis is a huge deal to you, and you find out she has been, then you need to break up with her. Everyone has different expectations, and if she doesn't meet yours, it is reasonable for you to break up with her to find someone who does.

I'd like to work through this, communicate openly, and make sure "all the cards are on the table" from both of us. I know that if we can get through this, we'll be much closer and our relationship will be much stronger in the end.

You're right, though. If, in the end, I cannot accept her past...then we both are better off moving on.

All in all though, as my last thought, I would think first about the relationship and last about the past before you break up with her over whatever this is.

True. The relationship isn't perfect, but none are. I love her, and miss her when she isn't around. We enjoy our time together. In the end, I hope we can get through this.

Thanks for your response.

[Lost.Perspectiv]

it's very difficult to hear someone say that something you did is a deal breaker. particularly if you're living with that person. the trust is gone. the ability to talk openly with that person is gone because fear has taken over. once that is gone, out goes the sex. has she told you what these things are? if so than i'm assuming it wasn't a deal breaker for you, as you're still with this person. if not then there are demons to be faced.

This is true. We haven't been able to discuss these issues, as she shuts down, gets extremely defensive, and borders are hysteria when I've attempted to calmly discuss this before. So yes, there are definitely demons to be faced.

This sounds horrible...but I know that this is affecting our sex life on my end as well. My interest in sex very much revolves around the level of closeness, intimacy, trust, and sacredness I feel with that person...and without knowing and accepting these facets of my partner, I have a difficult time wanting her. She's beautiful, and the sex is amazing when it happens, though.

she did whatever she did and can't go back and change it. people do a lot of fuked up things that they regret and if the person they love is critical of it on the long term it is detrimental to a relationship.

I have done some things I'm not proud of as well, so I understand the capacity for making mistakes. However, there is a line between mistakes and patterns of behavior...and a several year span of promiscuity that runs opposite of my own beliefs (which have remained stable) doesn't seem like a mistake, but a separate system of values.

However, because we haven't discussed this, I don't really know what I'm dealing with. If all I'm dealing with is some mistakes, then I can handle that. That's what I'm hoping for.

so basically my advice is either you have to get over it or let her go. i've seen it go both ways and it works out well either way.

I've tried to "let it go/get over it". I've sought professional help in this as well. I suppose communicating with her is my last hope in resolving some of these demons that need to be faced.

In the end, if she cannot respect my need to communicate on this...then this doesn't bode well for any future together either. I've discussed some EXTREMELY personal details of my past willingly and openly, so I do not feel it's necessarily healthy to shut me out. I feel like her attitude is, "My past is varied, I'm not ashamed of it but I won't talk about it, I don't care if it bothers you. I'm going to pretend it doesn't exist and ignore the possibility that you need to communicate about this."

Of course, I'm still hopeful that we can work it out and grow in the process.

Thanks for your response.

[Spring Haze]

The vast majority of people I know only date when there is some sort of physical attraction...and a lot of people I know only date when they have compatible personalities. Is "sexual morality" (I use this term because you have. Unless I'm dating you, I couldn't care less what your choices have been, and I certainly do not impose my views on others) different when it comes to "standards"? Why is it wrong to choose a partner based on (among other things) a similar pattern of sexual behavior?

Yes it's different because you're judging a person on past 'transgressions.' This is causing a problem for you and your girlfriend. You can choose a partner in whatever way that pleases you. You chose to look over your girlfriend's admission when it came to her having things that are in your eyes are "deal breakers." Next time don't let a girl off the hook.

As for playing judge, jury, and executioner...that's a LITTLE melodramatic. I'm not planning to execute anyone here...unless you're talking about my own opinion. But really, who doesn't play judge/jury/executioner with their own opinion?

It's a figure of speech. You are judging her, and other potential girlfriends, and may kick them to the curb if their pasts displease you. Your choice, of course...

As for why I place such importance...I think I explained that in my first post. As for why I think my girlfriend should have chosen the same road as me...this doesn't make sense to me. If you were strongly against drug use, would you want a heroine addict? If you were strongly against smoking, would you date a smoker? If you were a devout <insert religion>, wouldn't you want to devote your heart to someone who shared your beliefs?

Is your girlfriend still doing things; having promiscuous sex? Does she place little emphasis on sex at this moment in time? You are talking about current values in a relationship, ie an anti-smoker dating a smoker. Anti-smokers would probably give a little more leeway toward a partner who gave up their tobacco.

Now this I don't believe, as I'm not exactly inexperienced when it comes to relationships. I've had several long term relationships, and several short term relationships. In these situations, I never had a problem finding women who at least came close to sharing my beliefs on this. In fact, it's fairly common for women to consider sex more sacred than men.

Then for your sake and your girlfriend's, break up and pursue one of them. It really doesn't sound like you are going to change.

I have, thank you for the reference. In that situation, don't you think Amy should have come out and told the guy the truth?

Yes, but the main point that was being argued is to not be judgmental by holding a person's past over their head.

Apparently your girlfriend's past means more to you than what she is doing currently.
What it boils down to is whether or not you are comfortable holding these ideals.

[Moe]

We sound very similar in our believes, screening so to speak.
In all honestly who wants to date a Ho, no pun intended. OK maybe.
When I met my Ex we had a 3 hour discussion on this subject after our 1st. official date after knowing each other for 2-3 months.
I assured her i would not and did not care about her past before me, as long as we loved each other it wasn't my business.
Fast forward three years. She ups and leaves me for no apparent reason have plenty of posts here you can read. I later found out the women I was going to marry who is only 35 was married already 4 times, had at least 3 series relationships and never has been without a man since she was 15 years old. If I knew this we never would have hooked up but I didn't know so I didn't care.
We've been broken up 4 months now and she's already been with three that I know of and has a crackhead living with her. Along with her three kids in the same house, kids I raised for three years.

Two of her friends have now contacted me and were very upset of our break up both said this is how she was before she dated you and we thought she was over her past.

THE THEME BEING THAT IT'S A LOT EASIER TO SLIDE BACK INTO A PAST ROUTINE THEN TO STAY IN A NEW ONE, IT'S WORK AFTER ALL TO STAY THE COURSE AND NOT SLIDE BACK.

She used me and my kids to get what she wanted, she swears she loved me and we were true, but she's gone and I'm the chump trying to get over her four months later. She has no problem moving on. She just spreads her legs and wow who's next.

I have no idea how I will ever dae another women and ever be series after this fiasco, I truly loved her and she was always there with the right words at the right time. Did she mean them or was she just a good player?????????????????????????????????????

Merry Christmas!

I had a few moments, and thought I'd share something I'm struggling with. I've read some excellent comments and opinions here, and I've learned to respect you guys. Hopefully, I can adequately communicate what's going on in my head without sounding like the judgmental a-hole I feel like. Comments, criticisms, stories, advice, etc...are all welcome. I will apologize in advance, as this may be lengthy.

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year. We love each other, but it hasn't been an easy relationship. We've had our issues, personal and relationship-wise, and it has been a challenge to always see eye to eye on things. We are now living together, and comfortable with each other. However, there is something that has been eating at me for quite a while.

First off, she and I came into this relationship with a lot of past baggage. So much baggage, in fact, that it would take several more novel-length posts to outline all of it. Suffice to say that we started the relationship off with a strict "No Baggage" agreement...an understanding that we wouldn't talk about past relationships. This is, in large part, what ultimately led to my current problem.

You see, I am very traditional and old fashioned when it comes to sexual promiscuity. I have always been very selective in my partners, have never had casual sex, never rushed into sex, and sex is a very sacred, spiritual, and meaningful thing to me. The idea of being promiscuous is alien and, for lack of a better word, very disturbing to me. Up until recently, I have always "screened" (very casually, of course) potential girlfriends about this during the "courting" phase (before emotions and body parts become involved). I'm also a "relationship guy", and my own "number" is relatively small (under 10) and limited to relationships. This is by choice, and I prefer not to become involved with someone who does not share that same attitude.

Early on during our "courting" period, we had an email exchange that I made some very foolish assumptions about. She wrote some things in this email that gave me the very definite impression that we saw "eye to eye" on this...in fact, the way she presented her views made us seem identical.

Fast forward 7-8 months.

We're having a casual discussion about some of our "deal breakers" when it comes to dating. At this point we're very much a couple, pretty much living together, intimate, and in love. In discussing our deal breakers, I casually mention my attitudes on dating women with extensive sexual history, among other things (patterns of cheating, current drug use, etc). I hear some of her deal breakers (dishonesty, pattern of cheating, etc), and I think nothing of it.

Fast forward a week.

Out of the blue, she very nervously brings up our discussion about "deal breakers", and mentions that she would not fit into that category for me. I'm crushed, but confused. I thought this was something we already talked about, right? Well...she didn't go into detail (at all), but explained that her past falls into my "deal breaker" category. I was stunned...but I loved her, and wanted to comfort her. I assured her everything was ok, I still loved her, etc... Meanwhile, a massive pit entered into my stomach.

Around this time, we started having a marked decrease in sex. This was supposedly due to latent depression on her end, and I supported her through the issue. Meanwhile, the pit in my stomach grew worse and worse as our sex life declined.

Fast forward three months.

I finally confront her about this pit in my stomach, how I'm feeling, etc. I simply couldn't "get over it", and I explained that we never discussed what exactly she meant, and that I've been very anxious and upset by this for quite a while. The monster in your head is always worse than reality, and I hoped that through an open and honest discussion (from both of us), that we could strengthen our relationship...and help get through this.

She shut down. Refused to talk, nearly grew hysterical. I attempted to communicate in the kindest, most loving and non-judging manner...but she simply shut down and refused to participate.

Not knowing what to do, I blamed myself and figured this was "my problem". I saw a counselor, and a hypnotherapist. I invested a lot of money and time in trying to resolve and understand this part of me. I've read books on the issue, perused forums, and tried to "fix myself". I was convinced that I was wrong to feel so strongly about my partner's past, and that the only solution was to change myself. I even started prescription medication at that point.

So...as you can see, I have really tried to "fix this" on my end. However, the end result of this is not what you'd expect. In fact, through counseling and hypnotherapy I have realized that this is an integral part of my character...part of my core beliefs and values. I've learned to be more loving and considerate regarding past mistakes, but overall understand that there are simply some standards I hold as a person...and that this is not wrong.

Fast forward to today.

I'm unsure of what to do. I love her...but this still eats at me. Some days I can convince myself that it doesn't matter...other days it really upsets me. Our sex life hasn't improved, and now I know that I am contributing to it because of my inner turmoil regarding this issue.

I don't know how to approach this issue without her shutting down...but I feel that if we cannot discuss this, then I will never feel truly safe, content, and happy in this relationship. A part of me feels deceived, as had I known this from the beginning I may have made some different choices. A part of me wants to forget everything and move on (which, as mentioned before, I have sincerely tried). The rational part of me understands that I CAN reconcile a deep seated value IF I understand the situation...but what am I supposed to do if the situation is never discussed?

...

Thanks again for listening, and for any input/comments/criticisms you wish to share.

[misombra]

This is true. We haven't been able to discuss these issues, as she shuts down, gets extremely defensive, and borders are hysteria when I've attempted to calmly discuss this before. So yes, there are definitely demons to be faced.

This sounds horrible...but I know that this is affecting our sex life on my end as well. My interest in sex very much revolves around the level of closeness, intimacy, trust, and sacredness I feel with that person...and without knowing and accepting these facets of my partner, I have a difficult time wanting her. She's beautiful, and the sex is amazing when it happens, though.



I have done some things I'm not proud of as well, so I understand the capacity for making mistakes. However, there is a line between mistakes and patterns of behavior...and a several year span of promiscuity that runs opposite of my own beliefs (which have remained stable) doesn't seem like a mistake, but a separate system of values.

However, because we haven't discussed this, I don't really know what I'm dealing with. If all I'm dealing with is some mistakes, then I can handle that. That's what I'm hoping for.



I've tried to "let it go/get over it". I've sought professional help in this as well. I suppose communicating with her is my last hope in resolving some of these demons that need to be faced.

In the end, if she cannot respect my need to communicate on this...then this doesn't bode well for any future together either. I've discussed some EXTREMELY personal details of my past willingly and openly, so I do not feel it's necessarily healthy to shut me out. I feel like her attitude is, "My past is varied, I'm not ashamed of it but I won't talk about it, I don't care if it bothers you. I'm going to pretend it doesn't exist and ignore the possibility that you need to communicate about this."

Of course, I'm still hopeful that we can work it out and grow in the process.

Thanks for your response.

i didn't read anyone else's response after this one so i'm sorry if i'm being redundant.

if she does not talk to you about then trust and transparency is dwindling and it will not be long before intimacy is totally gone. once that is gone this relationship is doomed.

you're going to have to make a move and determine if this relationship is worth the battle.

to me you haven't been together very long, and there doesn't seem to be any kids. do you live together?

to be honest she's probably upset that she feels she has to tell you about this in order to be okay with her. if you love her enough than it shouldn't matter. she's with you now. has she cheated? if her past matters to you that much considering she's been a good woman to you while she's been with you than she deserves to be let go.

[Lost.Perspectiv]

Hey folks,

I figured an update was in order. I just got back from a two week vacation with her, and this subject unfortunately came up. I have a tendency towards verbosity, so I'll try to condense everything for brevity's sake.

The conversation did not go well. At all. Due to the therapy I've attended, the self-help books I've read, and my natural calm demeanor, I feel justified in saying that I can usually bring up and discuss a sensitive topic calmly, rationally, and without creating an issue. I've also been raised with very strong values regarding personal respect, so please keep in mind that I speak to her very lovingly and I do not take cheap shots or insult her. At my worst, I'll shut down and walk away.

====

Any attempt to discuss this issue was met with outright nastiness, reactiveness, and anger. She's working on a degree in psychology, so she's excellent in running arguments into nonsensical circles that completely sidestep the initial point and direct the discussion towards something different. I do not believe she does this intentionally to manipulate the conversation, but it happens.

i.e.
Me: "I'd like to discuss our spending habits, and I feel that we need to come to an understanding regarding our budget."
Her: "The real issue here is that you have an inability to organize your environment, and you're taking it out on me by attempting to control our finances. I feel a discussion of this would be feeding a destructive habit."
Me: "Uhmm...what?"

As you can imagine, the conversation was all over the place. I attempted to calmly explain what things I'd like to discuss, what things I would not like to discuss, why I would like to discuss them, and why these things are currently causing me stress.

Not only did we not talk about anything, but I learned some very disturbing facets of her personality that I'm not sure what to do with.

For one, I mentioned previously that I went to hypnotherapy in order to work on this. Not only did she discount that I have put effort into working on this, but she repeatedly used this against me. For the first time in my life, I felt like a constructive, healing effort on my part was used to manipulate and demean me. For instance, that therapy proved I was incapable of handling these discussions, that I was emotionally unstable, etc. Keep in mind that I voluntarily went to therapy, and that therapy reinforced and solidified some of my beliefs.

Second, she claimed that she knew what was better for me than I did. She told me in no uncertain terms that she decides what is in my best interest and what is not. She also let me know that she feels justified in keeping things from me. Keep in mind that I have been completely transparent and honest with her, even to the point of discussing very painful and uncomfortable situations that I did not want to discuss (past abuse, divorce, etc).

Finally, after I grew weary of the circular discussion, I repeatedly asked her, "Is this something you are going to keep from me?" Every time she would attempt to redirect the conversation, I would repeat myself. Eventually, she said, "Yes."

====

So...I'm not sure where this leaves she and I. At the end of the discussion, I let her know that I felt untrusted, demeaned, and patronized. I let her know that this will cause trust issues, as I cannot have faith in her to be transparent and honest with me. I then calmed myself down, held her, and told her I loved her. She cried for a long time, and I didn't bring the topic up since.

We've been getting along ok, and I've been trying to be especially loving with her. I do not wish to punish her or break her down...I just would like some honest dialogue that establishes trust. After that exchange, I'm torn and unsure of what to do. I feel this argument may be a sign of things to come in our future, and it isn't a sign I'm comfortable with.

====

The bottom line is that either I can handle her past, or I can't. If I can, then life is peachy and we can move forward. If I can't, then I need to let her go so she can find someone with different values, because it isn't fair to her to be with someone so radically different.

However, I cannot handle what I do not know, and I'm not sure if I can handle the lack of trust or the knowledge of her willful duplicity. Sure, I understand her motivation...but it creates a trust barrier nonetheless.

Needless to say, I have a lot to think about, and I'd appreciate any continued insight.

Thanks for listening.

[Perryville]

LP, you need to simplify the issues between you and her. It seems to me that what you really need to be concerned about, is not her past sexual practices, but the methods each of you use to solve relationship problems. You are willing/able to try to communicate your feelings/issues, she is unwilling/unable to do the same, so when you two attempt to "discus", issues separating you, the conversation goes nowhere. This isn't going to change. She is an evasive person, and you are an "upfront", type. Do you really see this working out to the satisfaction of both?

[lahnnabell]

Are you having issues with this because you feel she isn't pure enough? Is this a religious thing for you? Or is it mounting jealousy because you feel inadequate? What is underneath your core belief that her past was the wrong path to walk? It all comes down to you in the end. This issue is stirring uncomfortable feelings in you. Issues are rarely so black and white that we an label them "right or wrong". What is right for one person is not right for another.

[UnnamedSong]

Not to seem like I have ignored anything you have said... But...

Given a person's past, it can be hard to deal with some things. Everyone is different, views life differently, approaches things differently. You view sex, casual sex anyway it seems, quite differently than her, or a lot of people. While I myself never practiced, and never can understand how another person could practice, casual sex... It's simply not my business. If my girlfriend had several partners in the past, but is with me NOW, and faithful NOW, what should I care about her past for? If that were the life she wanted, that would be the life she was still living.

Some people make mistakes in their past. Some people just flat out change. Maybe things that were fun in her past, or that she never really thought about in the moment, that she feels very differently about now. If you want to keep her, you need to find a way to let go of a past that isn't even yours to worry about in the first place. If you dig into her past, what will that accomplish?

You say you can't handle what you don't know. Think long and hard about it. Assume she had a "bad" past. Say she slept a lot of people, whatever... I mean, who knows. At some point she changed, she is in love with you, faithful to you, wants a future with YOU, no matter the past she had, this is the present. Is learning about something you'll possibly be unable to cope with, that is done, over, finished, not your problem... worth losing her? If it's worth the risk by all means press it. But if you love her enough and want to keep her, let go of all that stuff, and just see her for who she is now. People change. See them for what they are, not what they were.

[Perryville]

UNS, you make a very good point, but is her past sex anything more than "the issue of the moment"? I would be much more concerned about her inability/unwillingness to communicate. After all, in any relationship, many issues will arise, that will have to be dealt with. If she is doing this now, how well does that bode for the future?