Will he take me back?

[Gigabitch]

Tell him straight up that you don't have any interest in being his bedwarmer until he finds another girlfriend. You want him back, but you have to respect yourself too.

[lahnnabell]

Also, remember that sleeping with him like that lowered your value most likely. Granted you two have history, but if he really wants you back he probably would have held out for sex.

I did immediately think "revenge sex" too. Because you don't just "end up" having sex. You already wanted him back, and if it IS revenge sex then he planned it. I dunno how it all went down, but I could tell before I even got to read that part that you were gonna tell us you had "mind-blowing sex". Mind-blowing or not, having sex with him period took away some of the appeal of rekindling things with you.

Sounds like he's okay with casual sex with an ex. You better definitely hold out because he'll eventually see you as nothing more than an easy lay who has no respect for herself. I wouldn't be surprised if he was sleeping with his ex again.

[Luca]

Yes, I agree...the sex with him was a mistake. I actually initiated it, but he remarked afterwards that he had been planning on "charming my pants off" and was glad he didn't have to put in a huge effort.

I don't think he is sleeping with his ex, but it is possible. She has told mutual friends that she would take him back in a heartbeat and that she was planning on "stealing" him away from me.

[lahnnabell]

"Planning on charming your pants off". If he were really interested in rekindling things with you, that statement wouldn't have been isolated. But him saying that in conjunction with his cold, distant contact with you, it doesn't look that great.

Talk to him if you want. Giga is right; you cannot go any lower than you have (sorry to say). Might as well see it through either way.

[Luca]

Also, I have been on two dates with another guy. I haven't slept with him, and we are by no means exclusive. Should I mention this to the ex-ex during the talk, or only tell him about it if asked?

I feel like I am in love with the ex, but as noted, probably already messed it up beyond repair. I have not agreed to a date with the other guy since seeing my ex this weekend, but we have still been emailing and texting. I won't go out with him again til I get this all sorted out, but if goes south, I wouldnt' mind getting to know this guy better.

I don't want to lie through omission by not letting my ex know about this guy, but I also don't want him to think that I don't love/want him because I am talking to another guy as well?

[Gigabitch]

This can all be sorted as soon as you have a serious talk with your ex. He doesn't need to know about the other guy unless he agrees to take you back and if that happens, you'll get rid of him immediately, right? Yes, if you get back together you should tell him you were casually dating someone else, but the "Do you want me or not?" talk is not the time for that.

[tulip tide]

Do not tell him about the guy you are casually dating now. There is no lie by omission, this is your ex NOT your boyfriend. You don't owe him anything and he doesn't owe you anything right now. You are single and so (probably) is he, so there is no need to talk about it. Don't fool yourself into thinking he's not seeing anyone else either. He probably is. He just won't tell you about it. So don't go ahead and add more crap to an already tough situation by throwing in unneeded extra information. Just stick to the basics: "I want you back, I made a huge mistake when I left you. Where do I stand with you?" etc.

[Luca]

Ugh! I thought about it, and I can't do it. I don't see how it would ever work. When I put myself in his shoes, and ask myself if I could forgive and forget being dumped by someone so they could "try out" their ex again-hell no! Even if I thought I could temporarily, it would still come up for me and cause problems in our relationship.

I am glad I got to spend time with him last weekend. It was nice seeing/sleeping with him. I hope that me having sex with him once again made him feel like he had his "revenge", because I know he was really hurt, and I don't want him to come out of this feeling bady.

However, I just can't try to go back. I have a lot going on right now personally, and I don't have the time and emotional strength to put into reviving this relationship-even if he WOULD consider that, with I really doubt. When/if he texts/calls next, I will be polite but distant. I definitely won't make any plans to see him again.

Thanks for all the advice though.

[Perryville]

Luca, you came to the right conclusion, for all of the wrong reasons. You dumped your BF to be with your ex, then decide that you don't want your ex, you want your BF back and so you sleep with him, and you never told anyone about anything. . You were never honest with your BF before, so now you are seeing another guy, and most likely won't tell your BF about him, either. I've got an idea, why don't you try being honest with men, maybe you would have less trouble, if you were square with them?

[Luca]

Fickle? Yes. Dishonest? No. I never lied to him. I actually told him from the beginning that I have a history of bailing on relationships after about a year. I told him that I don't want to get married, or have children as well. He knew that there was a chance this wouldn't be a long term thing. I also let him know as soon as I heard from the ex-ex that I was having doubts.

I know I hurt him, and that is awful and I feel horribly and hope that he finds someone who makes him happy. However, I have been dumped before, and he has been dumped before. It sucks, but it is one of the risks you take when dating and having relationships. I made a mistake but in the long run he deserves to be with someone who loves him enough that they don't want to explore other avenues. I love him, but obviously not that much. I wasn't dishonest, just unsure.

[Luca]

So...
I decided I had messed it up enough, and decided to let him go. However, he kept texting me. Nothing about us dating or hooking up, but we have been reading the same book so a lot of it was a discussion of that.

Then last night he asked me if I could come over for dinner. I really miss him and wanted to see him so I said I agreed. However, I let him know I couldn't/wouldn't sleep with him because I didn't know where we stood. I told him I would like to be back together, but I understood I had hurt him and that it maybe too hard for him to be in a relationship with me again. His reply was, "well I still would love it if you would come over". I really wanted more talk about this, but felt like it would be wrong of me to press the point. I don't know if he meant "I would like to see you even if we can't have sex" or "I can't be in a relationship with you because you hurt me, but I still want to see you."


There was no other discussion. We watched a movie together and it felt just like we were back together. We cuddled and kisssed but did not have sex.

I am so confused as to what he wants?

[Perryville]

You need to worry less about what he wants and more about what YOU want. BTW have you told him about the new guy, yet? See what I'm saying about the honesty thing? You should have told him about "new guy", before you agreed to go to his place. Belated honesty, isn't honesty. Try telling these guys BEFORE you get involved or in this case, re-involved.

[Luca]

I actually stopped seeing the other guy. We had only been out twice and had not had any kind of a physical relationship. He seemed nice enough but I felt like I wasn't over this situation enough that I should get involved with someone new.

I didn't not bring it up with my ex because nothing happened with the other guy AND I didn't want it to come across like I was saying "oh, look I have other options, you'd better take me back."

[Perryville]

Luca, I don't think you are a bad person. But you aren't being honest with yourself. The reason you did not tell him, is that if you did, you knew that he wouldn't take you back. You need to look at it from his perspective. If I'm dating a girl and she breaks up with me, in order to go back with her ex, THEN tries to come back to me ( and BTW sleeps with me), THEN tells me she has also been seeing somebody, completely new......, would all of this make me want her more? You really need to be alone for a long while, and try to be less selfish and more respectful of others.

[Gigabitch]

I am so confused as to what he wants?

That's where the whole asking directly thing comes in. Look, I used to go through relationships making a lot of assumptions too, trying to gauge where a guy stood by subtle signs, etc. Then I realized that if I wanted subtle signs, I should be a lesbian because guys don't really do that.

Guys are naturally pretty linear and straightforward (unless they're weasels). he doesn't really sound like a weasel. I bet he would appreciate a good, honest conversation.

You should try it. It feels wonderful.