Will he take me back?

[Luca]

I am a 33 year old woman and in mid-November I broke up with my 35 year old boyfriend of 9 months. He is a great guy, with whom I was very happy -and to be honest I was a complete self-sabotoging moron to end things.

Basically, I broke up with hjm to trying things out with an ex from 2 years ago who had brutally dumped me and whom I never really got over. Upon spending time with "ex from 2 years ago" I realized that I had built up a fantasy of who he really was, and that I missed recent ex horribly. I ended things with the "2 years ago ex" but did not think it would be fair to try to get back with the recent ex as I had pretty much broken his heart and he said it was too painful to have contact post-break up. I felt it would be best for me to remain single for a while and figure out what the hell is wrong with me that I would blow off a great guy for a total loser.

This past Friday, recent ex contacted for the first time since early December. We chatted about how our holidays were, what we'd been up to, etc. He mentioned he had some of my belongings and asked if I could come over and get them the following day.

The following day, I went over, picked up my stuff, made about 5 minutes of small talk, and then we ended up having crazy, mind-blowing sex. Afterwards we were both hungry, so we went to dinner, which turned into bar hopping, which turned into another bout of mind-blowing sex.

I stayed over, as I was in NO condition to get myself home, and the next morning we had coffee, made breakfast, and hung out for a while. I left soon after, as I had a bridal shower to attend. He kissed me goodbye at the door.

Later that night I texted him, just a friendly question about the severity of his hangover, and received no response. About an hour later, he sent a terse text saying he wasnt' hungover, but was a little tired. I texted again, saying I'd had a great time. I got no response........

I am assuming that he no longer wants to pursue a relationship with me, and that he was happy with a night of sex and drunken fun. Is there a chance he'd take me back? What would be the best way to bring up this topic? Am I a horrible person for even trying?

[lhn]

Hey Luca,
I think he has gained some barriers towards you and rightfully so. I think it has probably taken him a while to get over you and faced with the prospect of going through it all again can be very daunting.

Right now I think you have two options.

1. Explain what you did. No secrets, no hidden info, no bs. Just lay it flat out for him to mull over. If anything is to work from here on inwards, this would need to happen at some stage anyway. Why not clear the slate and go from there?!

2. Wait patiently to see if he contacts you. See if he responds. I should imagine he is wondering if going down this path with you is worth it. Most the time, curiosity will win out and he will respond. Not to sound condescending but if he does respond, please don't put him through the grinder again. Make sure you want to make a proper go of it. Things are often harder the second go.

[QueenofCorona]

I agree with lhn's options.

If he does contact you though make sure he's contacting you because he wants to see YOU and not just a drunken booty call. Its a path you could easily be led into given that you want to see him and want to make him happy again.

Hope things work out for you.

[Luca]

Thanks-I am thinking I will wait until the end of this week and if I still haven't heard from him I will contact him and put it all out there. If I do hear from him prior, I am thinking I will just outright ask if he sees any possibility of us getting back togehter, or if all he wants is sex? If it is the latter, I will have to end things, as I am too emotionally involved.

Do you think the fact that he wanted to go to dinner and spend time together after sex bodes well for him wanting more? He is also a nice guy, so I can see that he would feel bad/be scared to try to get rid of me after sleeping together.

[Moe]

Hey Luca,
I think he has gained some barriers towards you and rightfully so. I think it has probably taken him a while to get over you and faced with the prospect of going through it all again can be very daunting.

Right now I think you have two options.

1. Explain what you did. No secrets, no hidden info, no bs. Just lay it flat out for him to mull over. If anything is to work from here on inwards, this would need to happen at some stage anyway. Why not clear the slate and go from there?!

Being someone who had gone through something similar, the ex leaving me for a total looser then wanting back, As a good guy who treated his GF with total respect and loved her to death number one is the best option, if you loved each other he will take you back.
My ex tried to get me back but was a total ass and lost all respect or feeling for her, I waited for her for months and she blew it, I would have died for her, But.
Be Honest and I will bet he will work on this with you.


2. Wait patiently to see if he contacts you. See if he responds. I should imagine he is wondering if going down this path with you is worth it. Most the time, curiosity will win out and he will respond. Not to sound condescending but if he does respond, please don't put him through the grinder again. Make sure you want to make a proper go of it. Things are often harder the second go.

Honest and honest

[Perryville]

Luca, maybe it's because I have a devious mind, but I can easily see this as revenge sex. You f**ked him over pretty badly. Maybe he is using you and when he is finished, will throw you under the bus. It may sound harsh, but if I were him , I may f**k you, but I would never, under any circumstances, trust you again. Your only real hope now, is to be totally honest with him, and hope that he cares enough to buy into it. I wouldn't, but maybe he will.

[Luca]

That is what I'm afraid of......

I did hear from him, but it was just a "hope your day went well" text, I texted back the same type of thing, but he didnt' respond. I still think I'll wait to initiate a talk in order to give him some space. Plus I don't want to have that discussion over text.

I am afraid that I'll come across as a total ass. I don't want to sound like I'm saying "You'd better jump back into a relationship with me, or I'm not putting out." Especially because that could have been "revenge sex" that he has no intention of repeating.

Though to be honest, I never understood that concept. I mean, if he doesn't want to be with me I'd be sad either way....but at least this way I got to have great "good-bye" sex. How is that revenge?

[Perryville]

If it is truly revenge sex, he will try to repeat it, until he has had all of you , that he wants, then he will dump you..... But then again, it was a really shabby thing you did to him, and how could he really trust you, from now on? To dump somebody for someone else, implies a degree of pre-planning, which obviously was done behind his back. I mean that you were figuring out the breakup without telling him why or when. So now you want back,? Never, ever.!!! You are not an honest person. I know that this sounds mean, but it's what caused your problems , in the first place.

[cake85]

I agree with perryville..maybe he just wanted to teach you a lesson, i could be wrong tho...but, maybe he wanted to show you what you lost by just having one more night with you...however, you never know...maybe there is still hope and he just needs some time to figure things out before getting bac together with you. good luck

[Aeradalia]

The ball's in his court... all you can do is be honest and hope he likes the "real you."

In the mean time... ask yourself why you want to be back with him. Is it because he's the best you've had so far or do you want him -- specifically?

Be sure you're not clinging to him out of comfort or some form of desperation. Because you can bet that if he's not thinking about revenge sex he's wondering what you really mean to him.

[kai]

He just wanted your ass. Period. He won't take you back.

[Chupacabras]

I wouldn't take you back, sounds like he won't either.

[lhn]

I think you are doing the right thing in letting him control the situation. Obviously you want 'that chat' to clear the air and tell him that you're sorry and regret it... that can only happen if he wants it to. So holding back is good on your part.

Perhaps, and this is being cynical, he came to the same conclusion that you came to with your ex. Maybe he built up an image and when he had it back (you back) it just wasn't what he wants anymore.

Hmmmm... its a toughy!

[Gigabitch]

Don't assume anything. Ask. You have absolutely noting to lose by going over there and laying it all out on the line. Tell him you ****ed up and that you want him back. Tell him you'll never be so stupid again. Tell him he's the best man you've ever had.

Mean it. All of it. Don't blow it by not even really trying.

[Luca]

I agree. I feel like I have to put it out there and have the talk. Otherwise I can't keep sleeping with him, because while I enjoy having sex with him, it would be too painful to have that without the promise of something more. And, if I hang out with him, but am not physical without some kind of explanation or discussion, he could think it is because I don't want to be with him.

I agree that what I did was shitty and horrible-but I didn't cheat on him, and I actually never did anything sexual with the ex-ex that I broke up with him for. My ex-ex contacted me, told me that he still had feeling, I was the love of his life, etc. etc.... I ended this with the recent guy before pursuing anything because I felt it wasn't fair to him.

One thing that could work either for or against me.... I know that "recent ex" was still hanging out with, and sleeping with, his ex-girlfriend when I met him, even though they were not technically together. He had broken up with her, but they were still spending time together as "friends". I don't know if this means he would be more understanding about unresolved ex issues, or if it shows a pattern of him continuing to sleep with an ex until he finds someone new? I am not friends with his ex, but we do have mutual friends, and I know that she was very angry and hurt by his behavior. Even though he had told her they were no longer in a relationship, she assumed that since they regularly saw eachother and were having sex, that they were. When he told her he had met someone (me) she was shocked and upset.