OMG Bring Her Back

[Okay]

So, either she's royally f***ed in the head or I am a horrible, horrible person who is incapable of nurturing women or a loving relationship.

I feel it is absolutely essential that I either get her to fall in love with me again or I see to it she spends the rest of her life as miserable as I feel right now.

Your bitterness does indeed make you out to be a horrible person..
You need to breathe and clear your mind, because all this explosion of crazy emotions will get you no where. You are in a panic, but what you need to do is calm down. There is no point in reflecting of "what if" etc of the past, you have a future, and as dramatic as it all feels right now, later on it won't feel as bad, because you'll never really know what the future holds. It may be brighter and much more beautiful than you could ever imagine.

[cmacattack1]

Don't bother. Most of us have been listening to him rant for the last few months.

We have all offered him insight and have given him all the tools he needs to help himself out of this.

But he doesn't want to help himself. When he chooses to, he'll get somewhere.

Until then, you guys are just talking to a wall.

[Gigabitch]

Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone who is married has definitely had to forgive their husband or wife, probably many times. Your wife failed.

[Lite]

I'm just scared he's going to make that jump from terribly terribly OMG the world is ending to the next step of healing which is anger and hit yet another extreme and go murder his ex. =|

[ChristianonLI]

No Lite, I don't plan on going that crazy. That would be doing her a favor, really. It would be far more satisfying to know she's living out the rest of her life a complete wreck incapable of holding another relationship or even functioning in the world, spending every day unable to forget about whatever it is that put her in that state. I've got a grand idea for that but rather than put it into practice I've just made it the final scene in a screenplay I'm writing. Think "Falling Down" meets "Taxi Driver".

[ChristianonLI]

Cmac, I find it rather disconcerting that you would so callously assume a lack of validity to the way I feel. Yes, I'm aware of the facts of the situation. She's gone, she's never coming back, and dozens of genuinely concerned people have offered me the sort of sound advice I would have otherwise had to pay for with therapy. Does the fact I've not magically moved on and am happy again mean I'm not grateful? Of course not. But if you're here on this forum at all then you should understand how difficult such a situation is. Especially since this is the first time that this has ever happened to me.

Yes, all signs point to how wrong the relationship was and how incompatible her and I were. But that doesn't change the fact I am still in love with her and I would do anything on Earth to get her back because I do not want to live the rest of my life with these bad memories. I do not want to live the rest of my life with that "what if" scenario playing in my head and I certainly don't want to accept that she not only doesn't love me anymore but considers her time with me a mistake and that she can do better when I know in my heart she will never do better. She's delusional to think there's anyone who will ever treat her better than I did. She is only going to get used and abused in every other relationship for the rest of her life, or quickly dumped when her new men discover what a self-entitled bitchy princess she is.

And why would I want back someone like that? Love is a strange thing. I didn't care that she was so arrogant, so cold, so high and mighty. And I don't care that she's done nothing but use her Facebook to taunt me and show me how wonderful her life has been since she left me and how much fun she's having now that this "mistake" is out of her life because I know in my heart she's lost her way. She honestly thinks she made the right decision by going back to being single, living with her parents and not being in a loving relationship. If she were smart she would understand that to be loved is the greatest thing in the world and not only does it not come around all that often in such a complete and genuine form as I provided but she could very well live the rest of her life never having it again. Why take that chance? Why risk never again being loved by someone just because the man who loves you isn't the mythical knight in shining armor you convinced yourself he was?

It doesn't make sense. She was supposed to honor those marriage vows as I did. She was supposed to stay, to be happy that she was now a full grown adult building a future and a life and planning a family as she made clear to me for years would be the ultimate form of happiness for her. And of all the advice everyone has given, of all the things said, there is one small tidbit that I know is wrong. If I had been a better husband, if I had given her more attention, read between those cryptic lines better and understood their meaning, if I had just known (without any prior experience) what it was I was supposed to do to make her happy, she would never have left. I failed her and I failed myself. And if I couldn't keep a brand new wife around and in love with me for more than 90 days, what hope in this world do I have of ever succeeding in another relationship?

Sure, I'm working again. Same type of job as I had last with worse hours and less pay but I'm working for a much better company with far greater opportunity for advancement. I've already been promised that in a year I'll be a full time manager making salary, doing the sort of work that will not only make me real money for the first time in my life but afford me the opportunity to actually own my own home and be a real man. The sort of man my ex-wife thought I should have been from day one of our marriage. And even the prospect of my impending success won't bring her back. She hasn't replied to a single email or Facebook message since December. You would think now that I'm getting my life in order and that I'm on the cusp of proving I'm not the unmotivated loser she believed I was would be enough to awaken her heart to me once more, but it's not.

So what am I to do? Just soldier on and hope that one day another woman comes into my life? All the while pining for the one that got away? I promised myself a long time ago I would never let that happen to me. I would never, ever, EVER succumb to the stresses and hardships of love, life and relationships that so many of you have dealt with. I promised myself I would find one, and only one, and succeed at keeping her forever because that's just how it had to be. And yet here I am dealing with it just like everyone else. I got dumped. I got told by a woman who married me, swore to love me forever, swore to bear my children and stay with me until we died, that I was no longer good enough, that I was a mistake, that I wasn't the soulmate she swore I once was. That's just not fair. And if wanting justice, wanting revenge, wanting vindication is so wrong for this horrible crime committed against me then color me wrong. It's how I feel and sometimes, after a night of heavy drinking and smoking if I feel the need to vent somewhere, I come to a forum like this. Not to hear myself talk, not to coddle myself with the uplifting support of others, just to talk and get it out and then go about the business of living this miserable, lonely life that I still wish would end right now. If God were to take me in my sleep I would not fight it. I wouldn't question his decision and I would welcome the release. But even in the afterlife I would regret not getting the chance to make sure my ex-wife spent the rest of her days as miserable as I feel right now.

"Love her enough to let her go." Really? I'm sorry, but that's an excuse taken by weak people who have no control over every single aspect of their life. Which makes this all the more maddening. I wasn't able to keep her around and in love with me. Nothing I did worked, it was out of my control. And that's just not acceptable.

[cmacattack1]

You have to accept that there are things you have no control over. She is going to feel how she feels no matter what you do or say. People change their mind all the time. People's feelings change all the time.

Is it fair? No. But there isn't anything you can do about it. All your efforts to drag her back into a broken relationship are just pushing her farther away. You know this by now.

I feel we have similar definitions for love and we aren't people that just throw that word around so callously. When we use it, we mean it, and it's something we want to hold them down to. My ex said she wanted to marry me and have kids with me and then when she dumped me I mentioned to her "You just told me you loved me and wanted to marry me and now you are leaving?" While she may have felt it at the time, she no longer feels it anymore. It's not responsible to just promise those things and then go back on them, but you can't help how she is. She has some growing up to do and only she can do that on her own. And if she is making a huge mistake and won't find somebody as loving as you, logically she would come back to you right? Let her go off on her own and make her mistakes. That's the way some people learn. And if she prefers to be in a relationship that's not nearly as loving, that's her perogative. It's what she wants.

I'm glad that you are doing better and are looking for a long term career and some stability and able to stand on your own two legs. That's what women want in a relationship: security. However, until you are happy with yourself, you are not going to find happiness with another. If you aren't happy with yourself, your ex wouldn't want to be back with you anyway.

You made mistakes, she made mistakes. If you aren't taking the lessons from this, it's just a waste. If she chooses to write off the relationship she had with you as a waste, and didn't learn anything from it, she's going to make the same mistakes in the future. And she won't be happy. I guarentee.

[lhn]

Christian, the reason why Cmac initially said about you being a lost cause etc is because you missed out some very vital info. Your proceeding monster post showed that infact you had taken things onboard and had a new job, new stability, new aims etc etc.
Whilst these things are not your issue, it certainly provides a broader more accurate account of 'Christian the person'.

As for the relationship... I can relate. End of! Perhaps not with quite so much venom though. Selfishness was a factor in what got you in this position to begin with?... yet its still prevalent. Interesting....

Hope you're doing better though, despite some of your posts sounding disturbing.

[ChristianonLI]

I don't really feel like I'm doing much better. I still miss her terribly. I still remember the look of horror on her face during the discussion that I feel was when the breakup started, when she asked if I had any motivation to be anything in life and I said, "no, there's nothing I want to do or be." What woman would ever stay with a man who had no goals? All I ever wanted to do in life was make her happy but if part of that was finding a purpose in life then I truly did fail her and I truly did drive her away. And if that is the case no amount of lesson learning will ever make me worthy or deserving of another woman.

I still cannot sleep without some form of medication to help me, though I have managed to downgrade from Xanax to nyquil. I no longer spontaneously break down in uncontrollable tears but the pain which used to induce such episodes multiple times a day still remains as strongly as the day she left. I don't want to learn this lesson only to hope I may one day get to do it right with another woman. Jenn, my ex wife, was my true soulmate in every respect. And now she's gone and it's all my fault. I still find it difficult to go on living knowing I will carry that mistake to my grave.

I'm sober right now. I don't want to hurt her. Mentally or physically. But just imagining her happy with another man some day in the near or distant future, forever regretting me as a mistake in her life is still almost enough to make me eat that whole bottle of Xanax right now, wash it down with a pint of whiskey and wait for the end. If I didn't have friends and family who'd be devastated by this I most surely would have done so already.

[Gigabitch]

If Jenn was your soulmate, she wouldn't have looked at you in horror when you revealed something about your true self.

[ChristianonLI]

That's a pretty huge revelation for a newly married woman though, the realization that her husband has no goals in life whatsoever and was content working a meager job for low pay with no promise of advancement thus no real ability to provide for her as an alpha male should.

[Gigabitch]

If that's what you're looking for in a husband, you find out about it BEFORE the wedding.

[cmacattack1]

If that's what you're looking for in a husband, you find out about it BEFORE the wedding.

Game, set, match.

Don't rush into such important decisions. This goes to you and her.