Think i might have messed things up for good

[RdHrshyKss]

easy to say, not so easy to put into practice. money really does have a massive effect on someone's life. better to get that under control in my opinion, reduces a lot of stress and gives you the freedom and independence needed to build those relationships in a secure way.

[fi123]

Yes, it's true of course you do need some money to live, have a roof over your head in an environment that you like, and to have enough money for decent food and to enjoy your relationships and free time, but beyond that, money has no meaning. Not really, in the end. Not to just amass more "things", to advance in a career for more "status". It costs nothing to have a good friend.

[RdHrshyKss]

Yes, it's true of course you do need some money to live, have a roof over your head in an environment that you like, and to have enough money for decent food and to enjoy your relationships and free time, but beyond that, money has no meaning. Not really, in the end. Not to just amass more "things", to advance in a career for more "status". It costs nothing to have a good friend.

agree with you there. just make sure that you won't be too far stretched in this situation. if you are, you will end up resenting him, i'm pretty certain about that.

[fi123]

Yeah you're probably right, to be honest i don't think i will be too far stretched, i actually earn a pretty decent salary, and i guess i am realising that maybe i should prioritise myself over feeling bad towards the credit card companies that they lent me the money and i am not paying it back to them really quickly. ( I have always felt that it was my duty to pay them back as quickly as possible because i felt like if everyone who owed money to credit card companies paid it back really slowly, then maybe the credit card companies would go bust or have to cut jobs and then ordinary people like you or i would be out of jobs and they have to pay their mortgages and stuff!! So i have always felt too guilty up to now to pay my cards off more slowly).

[RdHrshyKss]

Yeah you're probably right, to be honest i don't think i will be too far stretched, i actually earn a pretty decent salary, and i guess i am realising that maybe i should prioritise myself over feeling bad towards the credit card companies that they lent me the money and i am not paying it back to them really quickly. ( I have always felt that it was my duty to pay them back as quickly as possible because i felt like if everyone who owed money to credit card companies paid it back really slowly, then maybe the credit card companies would go bust or have to cut jobs and then ordinary people like you or i would be out of jobs and they have to pay their mortgages and stuff!! So i have always felt too guilty up to now to pay my cards off more slowly).

they wouldn't go out of business...they make more money off of the people who don't pay it off as quickly because of all the interest they can rack up. the credit card companies actually make more off of the individuals who pay less over longer periods of time. in the long run you are paying more to them, so don't ever feel sorry for the CC companies lol. only issue to worry about is spending money that you don't have. i'm young enough that i was able to get that all prioritized early. i only charge what i know i can pay off the next month. i have never paid any interest on my CC's. if only budgeting and finance classes were taught to kids when they are young, we'd have a lot less people in debt and the CC companies wouldn't be the monstrosities that they are today.

[fi123]

i guess i feel guilty because my debts are all now on 0% interest so i feel they lost money on me in the long run. Maybe i should just start putting myself first for a change though!! I've always been a bit rubbish with money anyway, i buy people stuff they can't afford, help people out when they can't afford stuff, i once gave a friend £1000 for a holiday she and her family really needed, i knew i wouldn't get it back but i was happy to see them having the holiday and they needed the break.

[RdHrshyKss]

i guess i feel guilty because my debts are all now on 0% interest so i feel they lost money on me in the long run. Maybe i should just start putting myself first for a change though!! I've always been a bit rubbish with money anyway, i buy people stuff they can't afford, help people out when they can't afford stuff, i once gave a friend £1000 for a holiday she and her family really needed, i knew i wouldn't get it back but i was happy to see them having the holiday and they needed the break.

sounds like you are a very selfless person. i tend to be that way too...but you definitely need to put yourself first for a change. and if you are paying 0% interest, screw the CC companies...there is no reason at all for you to pay more than you have to. use that extra money on things for yourself. the CC company looks at you as strictly $$$$, that is all. they could give two shits about you, so give two shits back.

[oneandonly]

yeah be selfish. That includes your current situation with your ex. You two work out plans to spend time together. Compromise. Not just for his own sake but for yourself too. You know, not being understanding could mean 'selfish'. He could not insist his own way when your situation with debts is bleak and all you are trying to do is reducing them as soon as possible. That's sensible.

Money is not everything but don't fool yourself that you don't enjoy what money can buy you including independence.

As long as it's not greed, I don't see why anyone should not aim for its highest earning potential that one can achieve. Don't degrade it by saying 'money isn't all' cos nobody is just chasing money for its own sake, you know? Opportunies are out there. Why can't anyone claime a piece of a big pie readily availlable with own sweats and hardwork? You are only limiting yourself, you know?

[lahnnabell]

Money only has value because we give it value. Regardless, our society is ruled by cash flow. You must come to terms with this.

[fi123]

Yes i guess so, to be honest, i did do two degrees to get to the earnings i earn now, i earn about three times the uk average for a 5 day week. So i guess i'm kind of saying all this stuff about money in hindsight of already having a good job and good earnings, and i really now don't feel the need to raise my earnings anymore, (well i will have all the money i need once i have paid my debts off that is!!).

[oneandonly]

The problem is that the higher your earling is the bigger your spending becomes. You know that Rockfeller guy when he was asked by a reportor that 'how much money is enough?, he said 'just a little bit more'.

You know how much in debt those seemingly flashy city workers are? The more they earn the higher upkeep is required to keep up with their so called 'status' which leads them to forever in debts!

You seem to be in control. I do hope you ARE with your ex too to some extent.

[fi123]

Yes, if i had not been a high earner i would not have possibly been able to get the amount of credit i got, to pay my mortage for two years on credit while earning no income, to send my daughter to private school for two years while earning no income (she was happy at that school and i didn't want to move her), at the time i did not know if i was going to make it so i wanted to keep the house on for my daughter's sake, altho i have good life insurance. My lifestyle was not extravagant but i still managed to get myself into a whole lot of debt over those two years.

[IndiReloaded]

I think because he has debts and is paying them off over a long time period he didn't see why i couldn't do that also, whereas i wanted to clear my debts in a couple of years, and therefore he thought i wasn't prioritising him. He said to me that he thought i saw him as an "insurance policy" until someone better came along, for whom i would be prepared to pay my debts of over a longer time period.

This^ is some really warped reasoning on his part, fi. There are so many benefits to paying off your debt: being able to qualify for a mortgage, business loan, line of credit, investing for retirement. Hell, just simple peace of mind. He's starting to sound like a controlling jerk with serious issues (prob from his ex) about being used.

I think he's worried you will become financially secure compared to him and he will look increasingly unattractive to you. And he will. And there is nothing wrong with that.

[fi123]

I think i will always be more financially secure than him, his earning power at the moment is a lot less and i don't see that changing. I guess altho i'm not great with money, i do try and plan for the future, i know i can continue to save for my pension ok after i pay off my debts but i don't think he will ever have money to put towards a pension. I've never really worried though what my boyfriends earn, i don't look to a boyfriend for any kind of financial support, i have my own house/mortgage, my daughter was always educated privately and is now at uni ( i had her quite young and did my degree while she was very small), i kind of always had it in my mind from an early age i always wanted to be financially independent, not rely on anyone else in that way.

On the plus side, I lost 4 pounds this week since he dumped me. YAY! ( not that i'm overweight but my work trousers had started to become a bit tight).

Oh and my mother is very pleased i gave up my weekends, i think she was worried about me working so much. And she agrees with my ex i should pay my debts off longer and get a life (or get back my life). It has been quite tough working so much, in june i only had one day off the whole month which basically consisted of me getting up at 7 in the morning, cleaning the whole house as it was looking a mess cos i never had time to do it properly, running errands, washing, ironing, shopping etc etc and so i didn't stop doing chores till i went to bed about 11..so hardly much of a day off. And i was planning the same for this september. Oh well..

[RdHrshyKss]

it definitely sounds like you need a little break. i mean everyone needs a little time off, otherwise you'll be overloaded and stressed...lots of stress = health issues, so you really need to start thinking in that direction as well. taking weekends off is a good idea. since your CC's have 0% interest, i'd recommend paying the minimum payment for a little while. as long as you are paying it off, your credit score will slowly but surely come back up, so don't worry and DON'T FEEL BAD. take that extra money you'll have each month and save it up, set it aside and plan a nice romantic, long weekend with your bf. get away together.

it sounds like you have everything under control. an independent woman who understands responsibilities and doesn't need to rely on anyone is a BEAUTIFUL thing. your bf might feel bad for not being as capable as you are, but don't let him try to bring you down. if he can't appreciate what an awesome woman he has as a gf, then you are better off with someone else who can appreciate all you have to offerl.