Crippling insecurity

[DDD]

This could go one of two ways brother.... First I ask if she is a LEO??? I am and we seek our significant other's full attention. If we know deep inside that we are number one, then there is no jealousy put forth. I think that what she wants is to know that your eyes see her first. Sure you will think other girls are attractive.... we are men and we are wired to be more visual. However, I think that she is really getting at is "are you the faithful type?" This may stem up from past relationships where she was hurt either by cheating or verbal abuse. It's a defense mechanism for her and if she is a LEO then we have that wired inside us because when we are with someone, we are fully devoted and expect the same in return. Just curious..... Wish you the best on this.

[RdHrshyKss]

i think this girl could definitely use some therapy. there is nothing that the OP or any other guy for that matter could do to help her with her insecurities. she needs to acknowledge them herself and try to get some help on her own.

maybe she's had some really crappy exes who have made her question herself and the relationship one too many times. she will continue to put out test after test and might never be satisfied...especially since the OP said he brought this issue up to her right away and she just disregarded it. she's not thinking logically or rationally and there is nothing the OP can do to appease her. the fact that she is denying that her past relationships have had any affect on her makes it even worse. she's not very self-aware at all...huge red flag.

it's a good thing you ended this before it got more serious. she sounds like a handful, and extremely draining. you feel lonely now, but you'll find someone that's better suited for you eventually...be patient.

[Frankston]

excellent response.

Last night I respectfully and gently suggested that she talk to someone....

"I'm not crazy! You're the one with a problem...you go!"

Last night, while I slept....30 missed calls....

This morning, we talk on the phone. She said, "I just miss you."

Very calmly I talk her through things. She says she's not crazy, and that I 'influenced' her. Basically, it's all my fault.

I said that I respectfully disagree (I'm really walking on eggshells when I talk to her - she's easily set-off) with her.

She said, "Fine, good luck with your life. Hope you're happy getting rid of me again," and hung up.

[RdHrshyKss]

yeah. i'd just not bother answering her calls anymore. way too much baggage and definitely crazy. be glad you are rid of that one.

[xxazurexx]

excellent response.

Last night I respectfully and gently suggested that she talk to someone....

"I'm not crazy! You're the one with a problem...you go!"

Last night, while I slept....30 missed calls....

This morning, we talk on the phone. She said, "I just miss you."

Very calmly I talk her through things. She says she's not crazy, and that I 'influenced' her. Basically, it's all my fault.

I said that I respectfully disagree (I'm really walking on eggshells when I talk to her - she's easily set-off) with her.

She said, "Fine, good luck with your life. Hope you're happy getting rid of me again," and hung up.

lol, sounds like my ex and if she's like my ex, she will be back on the phone tonight.

This type doesn't give up that easily. She's possessive, controlling and all those other terms that they use for people who are one tile short of a roof....

[Liam_680]

Women likes to be reassured of how much you love them and only her. so a jealous girl with insecure issues - when it so happens that this girl is the one you really love, being the man to fix her is not that hard at all if in return you get to keep the woman you really truly deeply love <3

[RdHrshyKss]

Women likes to be reassured of how much you love them and only her. so a jealous girl with insecure issues - when it so happens that this girl is the one you really love, being the man to fix her is not that hard at all if in return you get to keep the woman you really truly deeply love <3

completely disagree. this girl is crazy. she is not aware of herself at all. if she doesn't know herself, then there is no way that the OP can do anything to "fix her". she needs to do it on her own, and from what i've read she isn't interested. best to walk away...now.

[Reasy]

I personally think the decision is all yours. While yes, she seems a bit on the immature side especially at the age of 26; it doesn't mean she will be that way her entire life. She also won't be "sexy" her entire life either (so keep that in mind).
Below is full of my personal paradigm on this situation.

What you need to do to get her back: Apologize for calling another girl (whether she's an actress or not) "hot" then maybe she'll forget about the assumptions she made based off of her past and delete you from the "possible pig" category in her mind. From her perspective she's 26 dating a divorced 34 year old man, she expects maturity. I wouldn't expect the word "hot" out of your mouth while describing any female. Unfortunately, for some girls it is a huge deal hearing it.

The underlying issue: Calling any girl "hot" is alarming to her because it makes you sound like a worse guy than you probably are. She's been through the bull already with her ex boyfriends and is looking for maturity and security ESPECIALLY from a 34 year old; otherwise she wouldn't consider you being an aspect of her life. Side note:If she wanted to hear the word "hot" then she would stick with the younger age group. Not that you're elderly buddy!
She wants someone to open up to and grow with, but she clearly won't let you be that man if you shell out those unnecessary comments. She's letting it effect her trust in you and your relationship (together or not).

While some will bad mouth even the thought of apologizing, it is your life. If you want her, take her. In order to take her, the most important thing here is to earn her trust. EARN IT. She puts up a wall and holds back because she doesn't want to hear anything close to threatening to your relationship. But she calls you and contacts you because she still sees you as having potential for the man she needs. Give her time to gain your trust and she will open up gradually. It will take a lot of work to make the relationship work. But if she's worth it to you, then what are you waiting for?

Option 2:
You could let things go now and avoid the work.

[xxazurexx]

Women likes to be reassured of how much you love them and only her. so a jealous girl with insecure issues - when it so happens that this girl is the one you really love, being the man to fix her is not that hard at all if in return you get to keep the woman you really truly deeply love <3

Women do like to know their guy loves them, yes - but not to the extreme that this psycho broad is going.

She will have him under house arrest and 24/7 if she had her way.

Poor guy probably won't be able to fart in peace if he ends up with her!!

[girl68]

I'll provide you with admittingly a shameful post on my part.

I know exactly what she's going through, exactly how it feels and exactly how much damage it can and inevitably will do. I'm just like her. For the purpose to help you, help her I'll admit I'm crazy jealous and totally insecure. Does that mean my fiance should just dump my ass and move on not giving me a chance in hell to redeem myself? I hope not.

Here's what she's thinking (and I'm not saying this is a reasonable way to think- it isn't, it isn't healthy or normal but it is what it is...) she wants you to love, adore, and admire ONLY her. By admiring someone else, (EVA) you don't fulfil what she's hoping you do. I stress- this isn't an appropriate thing to think or feel or want or expect. I'm prefectly aware how NOT cool this is. She also thinks that if you love her as much as you say you do you should never lust after other hot women. (Again... NOT reasonable). But this is what she's feeling, this is what I feel. Slam me if you like, I'm working on it in therpy so bugger off, I'm doing something about it.

Anyways- that's how she feels... but I think that you handled it BRILLIANTLY with you blah blah blah looking her in the eyes blah blah blah. Great job. Stand your ground.

As for your history- she needs to learn NOW that the past stays there, if she wants to be sucessful in relationships bringing up past problems and issues is a surefire way to get her ass dumped. Fight FAIR, bringing up issues from the past in a current fight isn't fair. If the issue isn't solved revisit the problem at a different time.

As for her, you need to be head strong and don't give in, she needs to start believing you when you say you love her and no hot woman changes that. I also suggest therpy for her, she has major self esteem issues (I do) and a completly disorted perception of what love it (I'm slowly letting those silly thoughts out and replacing them with different ones).

If she fails to realize that problems stay in the past nor will she attend therpy I suggest you let her go- honestly it won't get better unless she WANTS to get better. And certainly don't ignore the issue no matter how much you miss her.

[girl68]

Given her response which I didn't read the first time, HAHAHA OMG- she doesn't think it's a problem yikes, ain't much hope for her she's in denial. Sorry man but I did say she has to know what she wants is totally unreasonable and she doesn't.

[RdHrshyKss]

lol i was gonna say girl. i have my insecurities too...i think girls are naturally more insecure being that we internalize everything. but even so, at least you acknowledge your insecurities, as do i. this girl is in complete denial about it...the OP will never be able to deal with her if she doesn't even know how to deal with herself. she's a lost cause until she acknowledges her own shit...

[Frankston]

She's just left my flat. On good terms? Of course not!

I agreed to meet her last night in a public place. As I walked down to get a taxi, I thought, 'This is not a good idea. This girl is just bad news.' But I couldn't not see her...

So, she turns up, and throws her arms round me and kisses me with the kind of sustained intensity reserved for slightly unhinged people. I had a cold, and was feeling rather muted, like one does, plus I wasn't exactly thrilled at kissing her when she's put me through the mill so much recently. BTW, this was in Siam Paragon, Bangkok; hundreds of people everywhere; plus, public displays of affection are kinda frowned upon. I felt a little embarrassed...but she looked gorgeous as usual.

She said, 'Did you miss me?'
'Ermm...Nit (her Thai nickname), this is all a bit weird...I mean, yes I have, but...you know, all the shit that's happened...'

She settles down. We have some food, and then I say, 'look, just come back and stay the night. I just want to hold you and fall asleep. I feel like shit and just wanna do that, ok?'

So we came back here and....well, use your imagination...

So, we're lying here, hanging out, and I feel decidedly odd about everything, as you can imagine. Basically this is someone that is poison to me....but we share amazing physical chemistry.

I decide to try and make peace yet again. I say:

'Look Nit, I'm sorry about all the times when you got hurt. It was never my intention to hurt you. Quite the opposite, in fact.'
'And will you apologise for mentioning your ex last night?'
'Well, I mentioned her briefly in order to ease your concern re: differing political opinions threatening a partnership. I mentioned my parents too.'
'Yes, so why mention her?'
'I just explained. And I explained last night before we fell asleep. Look I'm sorry that I mentioned Eva Mendes, and I'm sorry that you...'
'And what about you swearing at me?'
'I've already apologised and explained. I was at the end of my tether, Nit.'
'That's not good enough. You shouldn't swear at people you love.
'It's not malicious. You called me a cunt on MSN.'
'Because you...'
'You see? You can justify everything, and I have to accept it and move on. But you won't be consoled. You choose to keep hold of your anger towards me. The other day you hissed at me that you wished that you'd ****ed somebody the night I left you at the bar.'
'That is not the same.'
'Damn right! That's an awful thing to say! It's incredibly mean. I burst into bloody tears right there on the street.'

There was some more back and forth, and then the bloody photo of the ex comes up....

[Frankston]

She can't be reasoned with. What's worse is that she was told there was a problem and she completely ignored it and carried on as if his thoughts meant nothing.

This encapsulates my feelings about the whole relationship.

There is no room for my pain or anguish. She, like so many other Thai women I've known and heard about via friends, is always the victim.

[girl68]

As someone already pointed out... no wonder she hasn't had a relationship longer than what a few months!? No respectable man is going to put up with that shit.