Crippling insecurity

[Frankston]

Where to begin? I think instead of revealing every bizarre argument we had, I will offer up this one with a bit of background first:

She's 26, I'm 34. We got together. It was passionate and we were both dead excited. She's never had a relationship that lasted beyond 9 or 10 months. I was with someone for 3 years and was married for one of those years.

About a week in we go out for drinks near my place. We talk about all sorts of things, and then a movie comes up. She's not familiar with it. I try to help her out: 'It's got Eva Mendes in it....you know, the really hot Latin-American lady.'

Her face clouds over a bit. 'Oh, you fancy her, do you?' I laugh at first, and reassure her that she's a movie star, not real!

But she can't let it go. She goes on and on...in the taxi home...still pouting, still picking over my words.

We get near to my flat and I stop her, put my hands on her shoulders and look her in the eye:

'You're going to mess this up.'

She looks confused.'What do you mean?'

'I mean, you can't be this jealous...this insecure. It will do for us. I've been that way myself, and been on the receiving end. I'm really, really chuffed to be with you. Please accept that.'

What did she do? Well, for a second she looked like she understood. And then she carried on...'but you said she's hot' etc etc. I went to sleep a troubled man.

And it's kind of been like that ever since. At this point we are broken up. But I love her and miss her terribly. I know it may seem daft, after all I live in a city with literally a million lovely girls in it, but she is so damn funny and sexy. And she adores me.

She's been treated very shabbily by some of her exes, yet denies it affects her...

[MerryH]

She sounds like a pain in the ass.

Did you want some advice or were you just sharing a story?

[Frankston]

I do want to know if there's any way of making it work with her as there's lots of good stuff.

[MerryH]

Why'd you break up, then?

[Frankston]

Something triggered her memory of the first time we actually met face to face. Oh god...here comes a longish story....

We first started chatting on MySpace. She tapped me up; I was very flattered (she's stunning, imho). We had a really good laugh on MSN, and I was very impressed with her. I gave her my number, saying, 'you know, just in case you fancy going out for a beer or whatever some time.' She said she'd bear it in mind...

The next evening I went out with some friends, and met a girl who worked in a bar. She was cool, we got on well, exchanged numbers and that was that. MySpace girl disappeared from MSN for a good week, and I was disappointed, but I had this new girl to occupy my time, so I shrugged and thought, maybe one day, who knows.

About 2 weeks later and MySpace girl has reappeared and given me her number. We exchange one or two texts, and it's all quite innocent. I ask her what she's up to, and she says she's having a drink with friends in a bar I'm familiar with. She asks if I wanna come over. Now, given that the girl I was seeing was rather mysterious, and I suspected that I was one of many, I didn't hesitate to agree to meet up with MySpace. She seemed more my kind of girl, so I was intrigued and was hoping to have a good laugh and begin a nice friendship which could lead...who knows where.

I met up with her and at first it was cool. We swapped a few jokes, I met her friends, and supped my beer. But...well, those girls were really going at it! They were knocking back the cocktails like there was no tomorrow, and before long MySpace was acting a little bit immaturely - offering me a bit of her food before snatching the spoon away at the last minute type stuff.

I grew somewhat irritated when she turned her back and yaddered with her friends for several minutes. There was a band playing and it was really loud, which didn't exactly help the whole situation.

She turned back and beamed a big smile at me and we tried to talk about a few more things. And then she stood up and twirled around and fell on her ass. She laughed into her hands and I shook my head, rather embarrassed as people were looking over. I reached out my hand so that she could help herself back up, but she didn't really see. She staggered to her feet and I caught the dirtiest look from one of her friends, like, why haven't you rushed down from your stool to help her? I suddenly got a bit pissed off with the whole situation. MySpace was busy brushing fag ash off her butt to say anything much to me, so I drank-up, said, 'I've gotta go,' and left. I don't think she heard over the noise of the band.

A little melodramatic from me, perhaps, but it was a a pretty dumb display by her. I got down onto the street, looked at my watch, saw that it was still early-ish, and thought, 'Hey, bar girl is on the way home. I'll drop by and say hi. Don't want to go home with that little display still in my head.'

I dropped by, had a brew, mentioned the event with the girl, she shrugged, and I went home.

The next day I called Myspace to see if she was all right. She took the day off work she was so hungover. She said, 'hey, where'd you go last night. I turned around and you'd gone.' I said, 'Yeah, sorry, but to be honest you were being a bloody nightmare!'
'Oh..just a little bit drunk...I haven't seen those girls in ages...and I'm not used to drinking spirits.'

I tell her it's ok. No real harm done. I say we should meet up some time soon.

A few days later I found out that bar girl was indeed shagging around. I wasn't too surprised. I called it off, and later that day gave Myspace a call to tell her. She seemed pleased. And a few days after that we had a lovely evening together and have been an item ever since. Well, until recently...

She did get rather upset around the time of the infamous Eva Mendes incident regarding me seeing someone else the first time I met her. I said, listen, I'm not some Playboy, and I wasn't trying to date two people at once. The bar girl was clearly never gonna work out, and I kinda had long-term thoughts where you were concerned, so it was just a beer at that point. I wanted to take it slow with you; try and build a bit of a friendship first.

Now, 4 months down the line something triggered her to remember all this, and then it became a huge issue. She's hopping mad that I went off to see that bar girl after I left her and her friends. Admittedly it's a bit messy, but she's so worked up about it...accusing me of sleeping with her (not true), and trying to somehow claim that we were together from that point, so technically I've cheated on her!! I'm like, how can you possibly think that we began that night?

She goes on and on about being a substitute....2nd choice.....not good enough for me....

I don't know how to convince her that I'm serious. I mean, we recently came back from an 11 day holiday together that cost me quite a bit of money.

I suspect the poor girl could do with some therapy.

[MerryH]

Well...you still didn't tell us who broke up with who (whom?) But whatever, I guess it doesn't change my reply much.

It's pretty irrational of her to be threatened by a movie star or by someone you dated prior to getting serious with her, to the extent that it effects your relationship. She's got jealousy/insecurity issues that you're most likely not equipped to handle. Do you really want to deal with this shit forever?

The answer is no.

[Boisdevie]

I've had insecure girlfriends in the past and no amount of caring on my part made a difference. They are not worth the hassle and they won't change.

[Huggles]

Harsh! If you take the time to help them trust they may be worth it!

[Frankston]

Thanks guys. Thing is we click on many levels....and clash on many others. Classic case of can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

She kinda rocks my world. And I feel this deep love for her. But my god, it's so incredibly stressful when she refuses to be consoled, and keeps banging on and on about something. Thai women can be highly strung, but most of this is classic insecurity/low self-esteem/jealousy stuff, not a cultural difference.

I fear that these issues are deep-seated, and no amount of love and affection will make her truly secure. I've felt like the enemy at times; the cause of her pain. She says she wishes she didn't care and love me so much. Shouldn't she wish she could handle things better? Hiding behind love isn't cool.

It became an abusive relationship toward the end. Her hypersensitivity led to me having to censor myself quite a bit.

Such a damn shame. All my anger dispersed long ago, and now I'm left feeling rather distraught.

[Frankston]

holy shit we're chatting on MSN!!

[sookie6]

If you're looking long term relationship then I think you should decide whether you would date her regardless of her looks (which you described as sexy and stunning)...

Think hard whether she would still be the person you want to share your life with...

[Frankston]

very fair point, and you've kinda got me there. it's just.....i'm lonely without her.

[Frankston]

MSN chat predictably descended into more wailing and angst from her, and the usual refusal to be consoled.

It's over. I can't participate in something so obviously futile.

Cheers guys.

[MerryH]

Well, that sucks, but you did the right thing.

Harsh! If you take the time to help them trust they may be worth it!

Maybe, but he did try to help, and was actually very straightforward about it, which isn't seen a lot on this forum. Look:

I stop her, put my hands on her shoulders and look her in the eye:

'You're going to mess this up.'

She looks confused.'What do you mean?'

'I mean, you can't be this jealous...this insecure. It will do for us. I've been that way myself, and been on the receiving end. I'm really, really chuffed to be with you. Please accept that.'

What did she do? Well, for a second she looked like she understood. And then she carried on...'but you said she's hot' etc etc.

She can't be reasoned with. What's worse is that she was told there was a problem and she completely ignored it and carried on as if his thoughts meant nothing. I'm not pointing this out to argue, it's more like just further proving to Frankston that he did the right thing.

[xxazurexx]

MAaybe that is why she never makes it past the 10 month mark with any guy - she's a pain in the arse.

Sounds like a 'drama Queen' supreme who will be constantly watching you and to check if you are eyeing up any female who crosses your path, then accuse you of thinking they are 'hot' and just because you looked. LOL

Like MerryH said, do you want to deal with shit forever...? Believe me you will be and it gets worse with time.