Marriage and affairs

[jane]

wow.. ok.. so here is the other side...

I cant say that I had an affair... but... I did fool around with a married guy.. ( and this is bad but the truth) ... unfortunately for me... I really like him. WE know what happened was wrong.. we had been drinking.. yadda yadda yadda... it just happened. Obviously we have a pretty big sexual attraction for one another.

The thing is.. I know what he did was bad. I feel like it was very much my fault. However.. he was there too. We talked about what had happened... sort of... I mean we have never actually said .. Hey about that night? We were talking about something else and he told me that I was the only woman he has been with for 10 years?? What do I say to that ? Sorry? .. If I was her.. I would feel betrayed.. but Im not.. Im me. It doesnt make it ANY better. I live with that guilt.. along with the guilt of knowing I have feelings for him. Its like my punishment, and I accept it.

[sleepy]

/blarkblark

[jane]

Sleepy.. im gunna sound like Bill Clinton here.. but .. I never had sex with him. We fooled around.. thats all.. seems likes it alot.. honestly .. it wasnt.
I am not over him. I most likely wont be for awhile but thats my choice and thankfully I am a grown enough woman to know that my actions were wrong but I am entitled to my feelings good and bad. Like I said.. its my punishment and I gladly accept it. As for guts... lol.. I not shy about how I feel about anything.. read some of my posts.. lol.. Its good to see some new names on here. Welcome
How did I help a hurt woman?
J/C

[sleepy]

/blarkblark

[Steve2004]

:/ agreed. Unless the girl herself has said that the actions between you two are alright. He's cheating on her.

[jane]

ok first of all.... no shit this was a bad idea... IT HAPPENED ONCE! Its not like its on going. I KNOW I helpped him cheat. I defenately dont need to me reminded. The question was if someone had an affair .. I answered .... just that.. I answered, unless the point was to ask .. have then respond and then jump all over them to tell them what a bad person they have been. Well.. I got it. IT WAS BAD! But ya know, I really liked him for other reasons.. I am not going to explain them because I just dont need anyone else to tell me how bad it was.

BTW... Sleepy, To answer your last question... NO ... obviously .. its not ok to have an affair and if I was dating someone who did or whatever.... I would be hurt too. What i did was a mistake.. I have no idea if they have an open marriage or not and frankly, it doesnt matter. IT WAS A MISTAKE! I am done with defending my actions. I will live with that guilt ... just answering a question.

[sleepy]

i'm so sorry. i genuinely did not mean it that way, and tried to make it sound right, but i understand why you took it that way. the clumsiness was entirely mine.

g-d, i have made many mistakes and hurt people's feelings; i should not have even commented on yours. please forgive me.

i was an ass; it won't happen again.

er...i guess i can't strike through, after all. i tried to word my opinion very carefully; i'll try it differently next time.

[Steve2004]

ok first of all.... no shit this was a bad idea... IT HAPPENED ONCE! Its not like its on going. I KNOW I helpped him cheat. I defenately dont need to me reminded. The question was if someone had an affair .. I answered .... just that.. I answered, unless the point was to ask .. have then respond and then jump all over them to tell them what a bad person they have been. Well.. I got it. IT WAS BAD! But ya know, I really liked him for other reasons.. I am not going to explain them because I just dont need anyone else to tell me how bad it was.

BTW... Sleepy, To answer your last question... NO ... obviously .. its not ok to have an affair and if I was dating someone who did or whatever.... I would be hurt too. What i did was a mistake.. I have no idea if they have an open marriage or not and frankly, it doesnt matter. IT WAS A MISTAKE! I am done with defending my actions. I will live with that guilt ... just answering a question.

Alrighty, you need to calm the **** down. No one jumped down your throat. Neither myself nor Sleepy was even mean in our comments.

[jane]

I am not upset at all. Im more hurt .. there was no yelling .. my CAPITAL words are me stressing a point. If you have a problem with the way people express themselves... then you my friend are in the wrong place.
I am not saying that you specifically sad anything bad.. but you have to understand my point too.

Your right ... you said nothing about what I did. COOL! Thank you. But as Sleepy stated there were comments that I might have miscontrude as being mean. I dont know you .. you dont know me. Shit happens... but now that I get to respond ...
Sleepy... its all good. Sorry if what I took as "Mean comments" werent really mean at all.

[Illusional]

*in steps raver*

*holds up the white flags*

hey hey, i can make peace too, as well as take it away.

raverboy

[jane]

Thank you Raver

[squirrley]

Damn, I'd been thinking too long on this one. No affair for me. But in defense of Jane, I dont think its right if people judge or be jury of someone else. Thats not our place.

[nomas]

I jumped in late and there's been edits..so I don't know what went on there..but whatever, I'll speak independantly.

I agree that there are too many people in the world that are single and available than for you to go and find you a married person.

I also agree that the majority probably doesn't plan it out that way..why deal with the problems that will bring as opposed to finding a single??

But I also believe that people are and should be free. Free to make your decisions. Free to give yourself as you please. What I mean, is if I am committed to a girl, then I will give myself to her because I choose to. In the same way, I don't want to say "you're mine and here's what you can and can't do"... No, if you're going to give yourself to me, that's the way I want commitment to work..but not because I imposed it on you. If someone else can make you happier...if I truly love you, I will let you fly.

But the problem gets multidimensional when there are kids involved. Also, what does it mean, then, to be married? I guess I defined commitment to a small degree above. This is just what it means to me: When I commit to a girl and marry and all of those motions, I'm saying what I said above: I give myself to you and no one else. I WILL NOT play with fire by flirting with temptation...yeah, I'm free, but this is my way to commit...simply be satisfied with what I have and stop keeping my eye open in case someone better comes along. That's commitment to me..because, of course, you never know if there is someone better out there in this planet full of so many people..but when you say you commit, it's all for this sense of security that you choose to give each other.

Now the majority of people marry with this "happily ever after" idea in mind..and it obviously doesn't always work out this way. Nobody can fortell the future and you don't know if things will go south fast..in which case, it is perhaps best to end things..even if there are children involved. I don't believe in "for better or for worse". I only believe in "for better"...if it's "for worse", I say it is best to end the marriage that obviously isn't working toward a harmonious home and try your hand at a civil, maybe even friendly relationship if kids are involved..if not, you may even just go your separate ways. And it is definitely better to end it before you try it with someone new (an affair)..than wait for circumstances to push you toward it and eventually explode in the affair.

In any case..no, I don't plan on it..and I don't believe the majority of people do.. I do believe that there may be the cases where a girl will try to snag the successfull professional man and not care that he's married..simply because she want's this prize.. and that's bad. Just as bad is the guy who will also flirt with the married woman and want to get into her pants.

But when we're done with this discussion..I pose: What about in non-married scenarios..would you still cheat your partner or care much that the other person already has a partner while s/he's messing around with you??

Freddie

[sleepy]

the mistake i made was to presume to speak for anyone other than myself. i should have just said i have seen them irreparably hurt people whom i love and left it at that. this is my last apology on the topic.

[squirrley]

I can put some thought in this, I personally wouldnt get involved with someone married or even attached to someone else. Im too independant to want someone that bad. And I think sometimes people get involved "not knowing" and the married or person whose involved leaves that part out of it and or makes it out as thought theyre the victim and or theyre leaving their partner...too many scenarios. But people make mistakes, its not my place to judge their decision. They're the ones who are having to live with the ramifications, physical and or emotional.

I have NEVER cheated on anyone I have been involved with, even if it was a casual dating thing, I dont think its right to have multiple people involved. Thats my opinion only though! When I get involved with someone, I want to get to know HIM, and only him, concentrate on one person, and make a decision, keep dating him, or let go and be single again. But I dont think its fair to that person, even in dating to see other people. Even in a serious relationship, maybe not engagement or anything like that, but just exclusive, I would NEVER even consider cheating on him. He's the main person in my life at that time, and if I find that person special enough, HE gets all of my attention if deserved. If I find Im not fulfilled in the relationship or him, than I bail before I get involved with someone else, and I wouldnt have someone else lined up either. Take the time to heal and then move on.

K~Im done on this one too.