Did she string me along?

[mmiller5373]

Worked very well for me. When you're having amazing sex with somebody it's surprising how you forget - oh what was her name?

I hear ya. Trust me, I'm trying to get myself back into the world, though it's tough when you're feeling so down.

[mmiller5373]

Hey man - I would like to think that neither of our exes are toying with us out of malice -- more confusion, fear, hurt whatever it is...but they are doing it.

I was doing great without my ex, had been seeing other girls etc.. then she came right back into my life (but just for the night). She called it break up sex...great we broke up 3 months ago. She contacted me and said she was still hurting, still wanted to reach out to me when big things were happening in her life. I told her I didn't feel the same way -- and since she told me "I wasn't right for her," etc.. it was her job to stay away...she in a very combative tone said "is there some sort of law?"

WTF?!!!

So to answer your question - yes! -- your ex is selfish she thinks only of the fact that she needs to hear from you -- for whatever reason and once she feels better she moves on again -- she takes no consideration for what the constant reaching out and breaking away does to you. Mine seemed oblivious to the fact that every time she did that it gave me hope that we would get back together.

Its also fun to hear her say her life is empty without me in it in the same breath as she says she doesn't want to spend her life with me...what the hell? In all honesty though that line was EXACTLY what I needed...there is nothing more definitive than that and in my mind for a commitment phobe even to commit to it being over is a huge thing..at least I got her to commit...and provide me some closure -- no more of this wishy washy stuff.

So call it a new years resolution, call it whatever but I am committed to moving on -- 100% moving on. I will need to muster the strength to never reach out and to never answer. Sooooo hard.

Hang in there man -- let it go..seriously let it go. take out your phone delete the number and all the text messages..go into your email account and delete all the sent/or received emails, get rid of everything she ever got you and anything that reminds you of her...only way to do it. Even if it means giving up something of high value YOU must do it.

Good luck man..I truly understand you.

Well, luckily, I haven't heard from the ex since the middle of October. I've had contact with her brother-in-law, whom has taken my side on this whole situation, but I recently told him he won't be hearing from me for a while, as I need to get away from it all.

I think my ex didn't really know what she wanted. It wasn't really a committment issue, but like you said, more of a selfish thing. She kept stringing me along because she knew she could and when things started to play out with her and this other guy, BAM, she ups and leaves for good. It didn't help that I acted so needy and desperate afterward. Of course, I was already in a bad place to begin with (was unemployed and moved back in with mom). The whole breakup was so selfish too. A text message? I had to beg her to talk to me on the phone. Then she tells me she wants to be friends, yet never replies to my messages. She chose the easy way out and it was selfish. She told her family members so many lies about me, making me out to be a completely different person than they saw me as. Like I said before, she still hasn't told her family members about this new guy... they have no idea. I'm guessing it's a guilt thing; she doesn't want them to know that she left me for another guy.

I've already deleted everything that has anything to do with her. Emails, letters, pictures... all gone.

[BeingAlpha]

Well if you haven't heard from her since the middle of October leave it be. You are smart to tell her family that you can't be around them right now. I actually deactivated my facebook account because I didn't want to see her post things on pages of mutual friends... it would be bad for me to eliminate friends I care about from my facebook to avoid her so ... I said to hell with it all and took down the whole thing. Deactivated for about 90 days now and feel fine about it. I don't really miss wasting time on facebook.

You will be okay man -- things will happen and you will meet someone when you least expect it -- I have to believe that -- learn from this experience; don't be all clingy and needy the next time. Let go of jealousy -- all those things are VERY unattractive qualities and will drive someone further and further from you.

[mmiller5373]

I know it all will only get better in time. Honestly dude, I wasn't a clingy/needy boyfriend up until about two months before she broke up with me. I was never jealous either. I always let her do her thing and never really worried about other guys coming along. I guess because we had so many problems, because I moved away, and because she kept changing her mind about things; that all made me feel desperate and needy. It was like I knew she was going to be leaving me and I got all depressed, acting like a sad fool. I did/said some stupid and foolish things, some are pretty embarrasing. The way I acted since August was not me at all.

[mmiller5373]

It's been a rough past few weeks. Her Birthday was the 22nd and with Christmas being so close to it, I haven't been able to stop thinking about her. My mind knows I deserve better, but my heart still yearns for her. I've had some time to read up a bit more on breakups and also read a lot of other people's stories. Hearing other's stories really helps. I'm also starting to feel a bit embarassed about my actions post-breakup. The crying, calling, begging, the stalking... all of it. It kills me.

I keep going back and forth in my head. Blaming myself and then blaming her. I don't know why it's so hard for me to let go. I just can't stop thinking of it. It's like I want to sit her down and pick her brain. Why did she keep coming back? Did she love me? Was she cheating on me? Why did she cling on to this guy? Why am I the bad guy? She tells all of her friends that she's happy and that her life has changed so much. It's like twisting the knife.

[BeingAlpha]

Sorry man -- sometimes you just need to accept that you won't get the answers that you want. Despite what you feel you DO NOT need the answers. You will be okay...but only if you stop thinking about it. Take this time for yourself and seriously do this exercise - sit down, write out all the good things about her and all the bad things about her on a list. Focus on all the bad things -- you will see that in fact she was far from the ideal girl. Well I mean being that she broke your heart makes her pretty far from ideal. Its been about 4 months for me and I go back ad forth a bit too -- but the hurt isn't there - just some times I catch myself thinking. Right now I find myself missing having someone more than I think I miss her -- if it helps you to be mad at her; think of how she contributed to the downfall of your relationship, trust me it wasn't just you. Her life has changed - and well in her mind at least for the better, but the main thing is you CANNOT let your past dictate your future. That is your past - let it go...even if she were to come back, that was your past -- learn from it but do not let it hinder you from moving forward.

[mmiller5373]

Sorry man -- sometimes you just need to accept that you won't get the answers that you want. Despite what you feel you DO NOT need the answers. You will be okay...but only if you stop thinking about it. Take this time for yourself and seriously do this exercise - sit down, write out all the good things about her and all the bad things about her on a list. Focus on all the bad things -- you will see that in fact she was far from the ideal girl. Well I mean being that she broke your heart makes her pretty far from ideal. Its been about 4 months for me and I go back ad forth a bit too -- but the hurt isn't there - just some times I catch myself thinking. Right now I find myself missing having someone more than I think I miss her -- if it helps you to be mad at her; think of how she contributed to the downfall of your relationship, trust me it wasn't just you. Her life has changed - and well in her mind at least for the better, but the main thing is you CANNOT let your past dictate your future. That is your past - let it go...even if she were to come back, that was your past -- learn from it but do not let it hinder you from moving forward.

Yeah, I've done the exercise before and the "bad" portion of the list seems to be getting bigger as time goes on. I know she's not the ideal woman for me. Our first year was amazing, then it all just went down hill. I don't know why this time it's so hard for me to let go. I guess it's because my self esteem is shot from all the coming and going that she did in my life. One minute she was okay, the next day she wants to leave. In a way, I guess I held on because I thought she would change and realize I was a good person.

I am a good person and the fact that she's made me out to be someone else shows that she's not that great. We had our fights, but I honestly believe that the issue was her mostly. Even her brother-in-law thought so as well. All of my obsessing over why she did what she did really turned into stalker-ish behavior. That's not me and I have no idea how I got there. Seriously.

But the fact that she was already serious with another guy just weeks later tells me she was emotionally detaching herself from me for months. Yet she continued the relationship knowing that it was over? That part angers me the most. Why do that to somebody. It's selfish. It's like using someone pretty much.

I also think that I miss a relationship more than anyone else. Someone to talk to about anything. Someone to have that emotional attachment to. Someone to share life's expierences with.

[ccjc]

But the fact that she was already serious with another guy just weeks later tells me she was emotionally detaching herself from me for months. Yet she continued the relationship knowing that it was over? That part angers me the most. Why do that to somebody. It's selfish. It's like using someone pretty much.

Yeh, used like a spare tire of a car going out of control or a driver who is inconsiderate of people's feelings. If she cant acknowledge that self-fishness then she wont change a thing about it.

Then again, dont be the guy who she treats you like one of her girlfriends. It doesnt work like that, either you're just the friend who can handle so much of the emotional baggage or your boyfriend, who can handle so much emotional support but a little greater if you were just the friend. Point is, her treating you like one of her gfs is a trick. Don't be fooled that its trying to get you back, it just makes you feel much worse than before and confused about what to do.

You cant be the saviour of her life if you havent already saved your own backside.

I also think that I miss a relationship more than anyone else. Someone to talk to about anything. Someone to have that emotional attachment to. Someone to share life's expierences with.

You'll find the similar comfort in other people who care about you too. Just respect the people who you go sharing your concerns with about your ex, it's a sensitive area, they may get irritated of the situation and would wish you'd have moved on to save yourself from grieving about the same chick again.

[mmiller5373]

Yeh, used like a spare tire of a car going out of control or a driver who is inconsiderate of people's feelings. If she cant acknowledge that self-fishness then she wont change a thing about it.

Then again, dont be the guy who she treats you like one of her girlfriends. It doesnt work like that, either you're just the friend who can handle so much of the emotional baggage or your boyfriend, who can handle so much emotional support but a little greater if you were just the friend. Point is, her treating you like one of her gfs is a trick. Don't be fooled that its trying to get you back, it just makes you feel much worse than before and confused about what to do.

You cant be the saviour of her life if you havent already saved your own backside.

Well, honestly, I don't think she'll be coming back, so I won't need to save her or try to get her to see her selfishness. According to her family members, she's been like that her entire life. She's one of those girls that has to have control of every situation. A brat, so to speak. She's going to have to learn how to change on her own. I think this guy is going to be the one to put her in her place too. He just kinda has that look about him. Things are great for them right now, I'm sure. He's good looking. They have things to common. But once he realizes that he's not going to be getting any, you think he'll stay? Very doubtful.

You'll find the similar comfort in other people who care about you too. Just respect the people who you go sharing your concerns with about your ex, it's a sensitive area, they may get irritated of the situation and would wish you'd have moved on to save yourself from grieving about the same chick again.

A lot of my friends are beginning to speak up now, which is good. They're all telling me that they really never liked her. That they thought I deserved better than her. Not to worry about what I did post-breakup because she kinda just bailed without an explanation. It's nice to hear this from people you care about.

[breakupguy]

mmiller5373,

You should move on and let time begin to heal you over this relationship. You guys have gotten back together and broken up way too many times within a 12 month time frame. Have you both analyzed the reasoning behind this instability in the relationship? If not, are you willing to go the rest of your life with this type of instability in the relationship? What about when kids and assets are in the picture? Would you want so much on the line that's built on such an unstable relationship?

If not, I suggest you cut your losses and let the healing process start. Sounds like you two aren't that compatible, in my humble opinion.

[mmiller5373]

mmiller5373,

You should move on and let time begin to heal you over this relationship. You guys have gotten back together and broken up way too many times within a 12 month time frame. Have you both analyzed the reasoning behind this instability in the relationship? If not, are you willing to go the rest of your life with this type of instability in the relationship? What about when kids and assets are in the picture? Would you want so much on the line that's built on such an unstable relationship?

If not, I suggest you cut your losses and let the healing process start. Sounds like you two aren't that compatible, in my humble opinion.

I'm starting to feel better. The relationship wasn't healthy, I know. I don't know if she ever really analyzed things or just felt like it was time to move on. I really believe that she has the Grass is Greener Syndrome, just from some of the things she's said to me over the past year. "Give me time." "I don't know what I want." "Maybe in a year." Her brother-in-law told me months ago that he thinks she'll come running back to me in a few years. I'm not holding onto those statements anymore though because she's not right for me. We are incompatible. I honestly think the breakup happened during the worse time in my life, being that I'm only 24. I had just graduated college with no job hopes, moved four hours away, moved in with mom, was unemployed, pennyless, and away from friends. I basically had no life and made her my life. When she left, my world crumbled. However, there are some good things that have happened because of this breakup. I think it's good to focus on the good.

- I moved back to where I use to live
- I got a job as a photojournalist at a local news station
- I'm back hanging around with my close friends
- I've lost over 20 lbs since she broke up with me
- I'm speaking to some women to try and get myself back out there

[breakupguy]

Sounds like you're well on your way. Keep up the good work, and continue the No Contact, if you truly want to get over her. It's indeed true that love will make you blind. You know what to do and what's best (I can tell from your words), but love makes it easier said than done.

[mmiller5373]

Figured I would post an update on this situation. Right now, I'm at three months NC with the ex. I'm starting to feel better about myself, so good in fact, that I just recently went on a date with a very cute girl who has a great personality. I don't know where it will end up going... but the point is that I'm moving on.

A month ago I received word that my ex gf was 3 months pregnant (yes, with this new guy) and that he had moved into her and her family's apartment. None of her family members like this guy... he's a bit sketchy and they don't trust him... they don't understand what she sees in him... but now she's knocked up and being pushed into a marriage with him. When I first found out this news... it killed me. I was hurting for a few days because I spent 2.5 years with her and we never did it... then she leaves me for this guy and 3 months later she gets pregnant? I don't get it. I feel like I was pretty much used and lied to... she wanted to wait for marriage... or so she said.

In the end... this did help me move on... I guess it's because this meant it was OVER. There is no coming back and I would never take her back if she wanted to. Not my problem anymore. Yes, I dodged a bullet.

[loneshark]

wow this is crazy sounds just like what happend to me! only we dated for over 9 years. its amazing how they could move on just like that and be serious about this new with in a few weeks.

[Cblake36]

ouch man...................I have dealt with finding out that a girl probably had a someone on the sidelines................they are devious....................oooh man...........and it hurts..........but most likely you are better off.................