Another String Along? - Help Please

[poweredbuyer]

Hello All,

I have been dating my girlfriend for about a year now and I will briefly describe relationship dynamics:

1) We are both independant (work, family) and see eachother 1-2 times per week
2) We get along very well hardly argue
3) There is a difference in her than most girls she seems confident and doesnt show emotion which is what is causing my confusion now.
4) We are not needy and don't talk on the phone all the time usually 2-3 times per day and at night for 30 mins or so.

Basically I have always trusted her and coincidentally when I returned from a business trip I asked to use her phone and stumbled accross a (past boyfriend's) phone number in which she called multiple times.

When I confronted her about this she had nothing to say ... I stormed out of the car and went into the house. She tried to stop me but I was to upset and politley asked her to leave.

She called me and apologized but was not being open ... she claimed he was only helping her with her Math Assignment (she is in Grad school) ... She denied meeting up with him only until I probed her did she fess up that she indeed had coffee with him and studied.

She lied and I was confused where this left us ... But then she returned the call the next day showing sympathy and remorse (kinda fake) that she didnt want to loose me and wanted to make it work and put in effort.

I agreed although I can sense distance in her and confusion. Somebody in that situation if they feel remorseful would take the initiatve to meet me and make things better ... Our conversations are stagenet while she still says "I love you" i wonder if she is testing what else is out there?

The biggest issue is I have yet to meet her parents after dating for 1 year and she uses the excuse that its hard to explain to her parents she is dating cause they are strict and typical that meeting a guy usually leads to one thing. I don't belive that for some reason especially after she admitted her confusion about me during a conversation we had last night but she claims she is not confused now.

Should I take time apart and let her explore if she is doing that or should I keep things status quoe as she seems to want to because I may be a security blanket.

Is this a fixable situation. We are suppose to hook up tonight and wanted to know from all the experienced friendly people her how I should act?

Thanks!

[Gigabitch]

Do you feel that you are passionate about her? Your relationship sounds kinda beige to me. It's nice and all, but not really romantic. I'm thinking she was looking for a little excitement.

Do you want her? Really, really? If you do, I don't think you should just let her wander off. She probably won't wander back. I think you need to put yourself out there and really try or just let her go and find someone else who is more interested in having a nice time.

[poweredbuyer]

I am passionate about her ... I have never treated a girl so well even though I only see her twice a week (she works and school) she is 24 im 26 ....

We have done things I have never done with anyone else.

Last minute trips to Bahamas, Montreal etc
Dinners
Skating
Hockey Games

We do alot of romantic stuff ...

But in your opinion knowing this and she claims "She wants things to go back to Normal" (ie. After she lied) I sense distance in her anf confusion ... perhaps she got bored and is like that ...

But are these warning signs that if she can commit to me (ie. make me meet her parents casually is a good start) She claims she will but it always gets prolonged ...

Should I go see her tonight or just take a break and let her think things through ....

I am afraid if I do whatever it takes to repair this I may get hurt in the end if she is wanting to hang out with this other guy without me knowing.

[vashti]

Maybe she is less independent and more emotional than you think. It sounds like she has been trying to supress these characteristics in herself (perhaps to please you?) and finds herself needing to have an outlet for them. Just a thought...

I don't know if things will work out for the two of you, but I think Giga is right about not letting her wander off if you really feel for her. I think it might help if she knows you *really* feel for her.

I also don't know that you are hearing the whole story from her. It sounds kind of fuzzy to me, although that could just be because of the way you tell it...

[poweredbuyer]

Vashti et all,

Thanks for your reply always look forward to your insight.

You are correct I may not know the whole story from her but basically with this other guy this is what I know.

1) She has known him since 2004
2) She talks to him on and off and recently met up with him after 1.5 years she mentioned.
3) She claims nothing is going on (which is typical isnt it) and she wouldnt do anything to jepordize this relationship.
4) She is still talking to him I am sure.
5) She claims she will put all the effort to make this work yet when we speak its formal and wierd and usually it ends quickly.

For someone who wants it to work they should not be acting this way after all I didnt do anything wrong.

Question is ... even though she obviously is keeping her options open and I respect that ...

If I want her should I take a break and tell her a month apart or so to re-think things rationally without the recent anger and confusion ...

OR

Keep things status quoe and try hard to prove to her I want her?
*My only fear with this is she may think of me as a doormat and desperate*

[Gigabitch]

If I want her should I take a break and tell her a month apart or so to re-think things rationally without the recent anger and confusion ...

No, this will result in her running back to her ex. No doubt. Rational thought does not always apply to relationships.

Keep things status quoe and try hard to prove to her I want her?

The status quo is how you ended up in this situation in the first place.

*My only fear with this is she may think of me as a doormat and desperate*

Yup. Putting yourself out there is risky. Is she worth it?

[vashti]

I think you need to have some clear boundaries. I am just not sure that they should be a "him or me" kind of line in the sand. Perhaps you might consider telling her that if they are to remain in contact, you insist upon being included. The three of you could go out to dinner. If they are only friends, she should be okay with that, right?

BTW - YOU pay. It will give you more of a sense of being in control.

[poweredbuyer]

Vashti and Giga,

I agree I need to set boundaries but I want to without looking desperate and need to understand how to do that. She doesn't seem excited about the fact that we are getting together today.

I don't wanna look desperate because she may take advantage of that.

How soon should I ask about this guy and perhaps meeting up together ... should I have her call him in front of me? ... In fact when I blew up at this situation I asked for his number and for her to confrence him so I could listen in ... she hesitated at first and said "You dont need his number" and then put me on hold came back 5 mins later and gave me his number. In my mind I am thinking she called him or something ...

Should I be normal with her today even though she is distant?
Should we continue to talk about this situation or just try to have a good night ....

Im so confused as to how I should handle this now?

It seems both roads lead to getting hurt right?

Is there any fix?

[Gigabitch]

You need to deal with the situation. Pretending nothing happened is an insult to both of you.

And she's right- you don't need his number. This isn't about him at all.

[vashti]

What is your bottom line? What is it that you *really* want, and do you really think you can have it with her? Can you trust her? What behavior are you willing to tolerate, and which behaviors are deal-breakers?

I think you need to come up with answers to these kinds of questions, and then she absolutely needs to know where you stand. I don't know if your relationship will be able to survive since I don't know where she is coming from.

[poweredbuyer]

Why is she expressing she still wants it to work? ... She must not be sure about the other person yet?

[Gigabitch]

Why is she expressing she still wants it to work? ... She must not be sure about the other person yet?

Orrrrr, maybe she DOES want it to work, and you're being totally paraniod. You guys really need to talk, don't you?

[poweredbuyer]

Hi Gigi and Vashti,

Its possible that its in fact the case but I think If I act normal which I want to and make the effort maybe she needs to see that to reciprocate ....

Should I just do what I feel? ... The break is counter-productive?

I wont lie a part of me is paranoid but I am hoping to get past that.

[vashti]

Is she asking for a break, or are you? If she is asking for one, then you haven't got much choice. If YOU are asking for a break, why is that? AI assume you are wanting this to work, and a"break" could end up being permanent.

[poweredbuyer]

I agree she does not explain she wants a break but I think if she is contemplating others not having me around may help her perhaps realize what she wants ? ...

I dont want to be strung along and wondering why she is meeting up with a guy and intruiged by him?

Should I outright ask her what it is about him that makes her want to communicate with him?