Struggling to trust and need a male perspective...

[SelflessnHumble]

Well, I must say that as helpful as I found what all of you had to say, I got very upset after reading it.
I am not a miserable, depressed girl. I am a happy, intelligent, woman. I do have a difficult time trusting people as a result of things from my youth, it takes me a very long time and is never inherent, but I always take this into account. I have spoken with my BF about these things and he usually does his best to be compassionate and understanding

Your first problem is getting upset with hearing how people who are unbiased feel about your situation (based on experience) You don't seem to have, as we do...k?

2nd, Your inability to trust people (b-lamed on your youth) is not going to do you any favors moving forward...Why?
Hate to break it to you: but while whatever happened to you shouldn't have? It DID. What did you do?
You reacted to what happened to you and ALLOWED what happened to you then: to dictate how you are NOW.
That was your choice entirely. See that?

That is selfish and your boyfriend doesn't deserve to have someone not trust them based on: your perception without sufficient evidence to back up your assertions or "feelings." Are you going to use what happened to you in the past as an excuse not to trust people from now until you die? If so: be prepared for relationship failure all your life. People want to be with people who trust them.

I posted because I do not want to ruin my relationship.

But you are. Entering a relationship WHILE you are not mentally well enough to handle a "committed relationship" tells me
you aren't ready for one. Every little thing he does (he's minutes late) or abruptly hangs up the phone is always going to
be met (in your warped mind) as "why did he do that?" Any man (or woman) should not have to deal with your baggage.

I began having a hard time separating real issues from my personal trust issues ever since I developed genuine feelings for my boyfriend. His problem is that he is used to doing what he wants at all times because he has never had to take someone else into consideration before.

Of course you had a hard time once you developed genuine feelings for him: because you now have something to lose.
2nd, his problem is that: he is selfish and only thinks of himself. I have bad news for you.

Being considerate towards others doesn't start once you enter a committed relationship! It begins with him first.
He isn't into that. Hopefully he changes for himself, not for you.

After reading all of these posts I decided the best I could do with how I was feeling was to just let him know exactly how I felt and what I was thinking exactly as I felt it and thought it. I kicked diplomacy to the curb if you will. I started out calm enough but my emotions got the better of me for sure and before I knew it, the stubborn people we are, were fighting. And, as awful as that sort of is, at the end it was the right thing because it forced me to stop trying to be in control and just let my real emotions out in a very real way. He was able to see how hurt I was and he was able to register what I was trying to convey. Both of us dropped our defenses, even if it was just for a little while. We acknowledged needing to work on some things but I think we have a good start. He definitely showed me that he does not want to lose me.

It's entirely possible to sit down with your partner, and to calmly and humbly address your concerns and issues without
arguing, fighting and yelling. You chose to lash out at him: and when you do this? It preempts ANY progress you may
have made before!

SO, there is still a journey ahead of me but I suppose a thank you is in order for giving me a push to do what needed to be done.

You have a long way to go miss. On one hand, you're welcome
On the other hand?

You: need to face what ever happened in your past.
Then you must accept that whatever happened: you allowed yourself to react to it instead of taking responsibility for it.
If you'd like to mention it, great. I can give you a more personalized response.

The point is: Don't penalize/punish people for what was done to you in the past.
It's cowardly, selfish and inherently weak. You won't experience love in the way it is supposed to be holding back
due to your "past" issues.

Face them...
Take responsibility for them.
Find closure and move on.

How do we know what to do if we never experience what we did wrong?

[Incognito]

That is a good [non sugar coated, lol] point. I do think that it would be a lot more valid if this guy wasn't doing anything questionable, which he is. I personally think that this relationship will fail (sorry OP). I don't know any guy like her boyfriend who didn't wreck multiple relationships before learning that you cannot be TOTALLY independent while in a relationship. My brother is a prime example. He had his share of girls/women who were nothing more than prostitutes in my opinion, but he had a few that were great. Because the whores didn't really care about him they didn't care what he did, at what time he did it, or who he did it with. When he entered relationships with the decent females who had something going for them he shat all over them. He dictated his "rights" and the fact that they couldn't make him do anything he didn't want to. He was right in that no one can force you to do anything, but his assertions ruined his relationships. He won the battle, but lost the overall war.

People like the OPs boyfriend and my brother only learn after f*cking up really badly and looking back. My brother lamented being so horrible to one of his exes since she could cook, was in med school, and was an overall great person. Its sad because he overlooked all of that while he was with her just because he wanted to do everything his way and "be his own man". Stay in the relationship if you want OP, but the chance that he will change permanently for the better because of a few arguments is very slim. As selflessnhumble pointed out real change only happens when a person sees, acknowledges, and has the will to change a characteristic. If he changes just because you want him to without seeing the real worth of the change he will eventually go back to whatever he was doing. That goes for almost all things from being more compromising to putting the toilet seat down.

[oldskool83]

go with the flow. you have to give everyone the chance of trust 1st. ive been burned but each new time i give my full trust. if you guys even up spending more and more time together you'll see the trust thing showing.

[birdofthenorth]

Well, first I want to say that I was not upset by what was said here. I was upset with myself and upset with the situation. That I had allowed myself to take such a passive approach to this.

And, after giving it much thought I realized that in spite of the issues I know I have, I have never had a jealousy or severe mistrust problem. So it had to be my instinct telling me something. I never thought I was being cheated on, just that there were things I was not being told that I should be. And that I am also dealing with someone who is experiencing his first real relationship with someone. Not a good combination.

After having multiple tiffs about this issue, I think we have finally resolved the issue and can move forward with trust. I don't think he's a bad guy and I don't think he has any intention of being a bad guy. I genuinely think that because no one has ever held him accountable in a relationship (probably because they didn't care) he simply did not give his actions a second thought. He has female friends and I can accept that and he has finally let it sink in that he has to be open and tell me about things if he wants me to trust him. I don't think it's going to be an easy ride from here on out, but I think we've tackled the greater issue so that we will have a foundation for handling the small stuff. I definitely learned also that I can not be passive with people any more.

I guess it's going through this crap though that let's you know where you really stand with some one and how you yourself want to proceed...

[Incognito]

Good luck with that.