Issues : Sex, Trust, Lies... I need a male perspective on that please!

[Rixy]

Hello,

I am in a relationship with my husband for 2 years, married for 1 year. We met in Portugal, travelling. He is from the US and I am from Canada. We lived almost 2 year in Canada. We recently moved in California together.

The first year we spent together was just... amazing. I mean... for me amazing = love, trust, honesty, affection, sex and simple. We had all that.

During the first year, I realized my husband had trusting issues, that we talked about. He was honest with me and wanted to work on it.

At some point, he looked into my phone. But he had told me right after he did. He was really worried, but had been honest and told me so for me it was the biggest proof of honesty right there. So I was more then willing to put effort and time into this relationship.

Now i am just lost because after a year or so, it seems like he closed out. No sex anymore... or really not oftem (which before was really good and a lot), i feel him cold and distant, doesn't share anymore (wich before communication was number one), he is not often wanting to spend time alone with me,he is lying to me and getting upset to me when I find out he is lying (he thinks i am looking into his sutff...which i don't).

He gets mad at me whenever i try to talk about it and how it makes me feel, which earlier in the relationship, it was something that was important to him. Seems like he can do it but whenever i do, i feel him getting really defensive.

I am starting now to have a trust issue because i know he is watching a lot of porn. Porn never bothered me before, I am watching porn. But I know he has this virtual sex life online now and I feel like he is cheating on me. Especially since we don't have sex anymore. He says he's not pround of not having sex anymore, but that is because of me. I am a turn off because he feels like I am on his ass all the time... He thinks I am constantly looking for what he is doing etc.(wich he was doing and still does, but i don't care i have nothing to hide).

I am totally confused because for me honesty and trust is the most important things in a relationship (sex is too). Whenever i am telling him i am not looking for what he is doing all the time, he is not beliving me and he ends up, by I don't know what maneuver, making me feel guilty of I don't know what!

It seems like his trust issues are becoming mine now because i don't trust him anymore. He lied to me in the past even if I had tell him that I knew the truth... and the truth came to me... I never looked for it. I am a strong believer of if you need to know something you will know. Even if it's in days, weeks, years later... don't need to push, you will find out. on me. But whenever I confront him with a lie, he is getting mad and telling me I am insecure, i am this and that. YES I am insecure now... after all the lies. I was not before, he had ALL my trust... but now it's getting destroyed and I don't really know how to handle my emotions.

I cannot force him to be honest. I cannot force him to trust me. I cannot force him to want to have sex with me. But for me all this is really important. Because of that, I feel that we have lost the connection. The love is still here... but it's missing a lot around to be strong and able to grow on solid bases.

Ouf. It's a brief resume... feel free to ask anything if you are missing some info. Hopefully a male perspective will help me here. I would like our relationship to be back on track... that missing link. I love him, but don't know how to handle this anymore.

Thanks a lot!
Rixy

[jr1990]

The only input I can give is on the trust aspect. I've been in my current relationship forabout 5 months now to a girl who lives 5 minutes from me, but goes to school 2.5 hours away. Obviously, as with most guys who date a girl in college, the idea that there could be some issues may arise. Ill be honest. I've gone through her text messages before. Not because I think she is cheating on me. But because I know she has a lot of guy friends and im curious to know if any of them are trying to make a move and if so, how is the situation being resolved. That is just my story though.

As far as your trust issues go, in my opinion, I can't go that long without sex but obviously, im not going to go ahead and cheat on my girlfriend. In your situation, I would honestly sit down and talk to him about it calmly. If he gets angry or defensive, you have every right to snoop around.

[WICKED THOUGHTS]

Eh, we all have issues and trusting or not being trusted is part of it. To me, if you can accept 70% of a persons flaws? Just live with it and make the best of it. Were all not perfect.. ya.

[Raven_Skye]

Well, in a relationship you just have to trust each other. For me, there's no excuse for going through eachother's stuff (online convo's, mail, phone etc) without asking. Me and my ex,, well I trusted him all the way, turned out he also hadn't been a good boi online, and that eventually broke us up since he "fell in love " with this online girl. Whatever. I still think trusting someone's the right thing even if it ends you up hurt.

BUT. Seems his lack of trusting you is not just normal. The way he's always thinking you're doing something you're not etc. Sounds like paranoia, and possibly pathological. It seems to me a good idea to try to get him to go see a therapist, or do that together. If need be, convince him it's you you want to work on (white lies never hurt in situations like this), but you need him there. You know, couple's counceling.

If that's not an option, you can't live on like this. Not while it's getting worse all the time. I hope you work this out, but he's clearly got some issues he needs to deal with, with or wothout you.

[VincenzoG91]

First of all, don't show him this article from The Onion:

[url=http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-women-always-answer-their-phones-unless-they,18254/]Study: Women Always Answer Their Phones Unless They're Having Great Sex With Someone Else | The Onion - America's Finest News Source[/url]

Second, consider the possibility that he is cheating on you, or more likely just behaving inappropriately with women online. Sometimes when a person has a certain flaw, they tend to assume that other people have the same flaw. So, a thief will worry more than a normal person about people stealing. And a cheater will be more worried than a normal person about being cheated on.

The marriage won't survive without trust and intimacy. Work on the communication to re-build the trust. Once the trust is back, the intimacy should come easier.

[baker843]

I think this is all a defense mechanism.

He is putting distance between you because he has the trust issues.

He doesn't want to be close because in his mind, he's going to end up 'hurt' because he doesn't truly trust you.

Is it your fault he doesn't trust you? Probably not. You're probably paying for the jerks he dated before you.

I believe if you work on the root of all this, trust, things will improve...but it sounds like you may have to try couples therapy to get him to trust you. It can't just be you putting the effort into it.

[Rixy]

Thanks a lot everyone... I appreciate your advice! I'll keep you posted.

I'll try to find a way to talk to him, without starting any fight, and see what is going to happen...I'm scared out of my mine, I know that one of the solution could end up being to leave and it is NOT what I want at all... So I,ll keep my fingers crossed.

Oh and a funny fact is that when communication was good, he was willing to go see a therapist just to improve our relationshipt (wow, never heard of that before) but now that we are having difficult times, he doesn't want to go at all. He changed is mine and said that he doesn't know how someone he doesn't know could help us... he kind of think(hope) the solution will come to us without us doing anything... or without him doing anything. I am seeing a therapist, but there's nothing I can do for our problem over there.. i am working on my issues and that's it... anyway

Thanks again, it feels good to at least let it out.

Rixy

[Agape]

Relationship has to built on trust and respect . . .if you don't have this then you don't have a relationship

Regarding the porn, perhaps he feels bad about checking up on you and is now substituting sex for porn? . . . you should try being more forward and show that you are able to trust him, he might, in turn, be able to trust you?

[Rixy]

Yes it's true, I need to continue to trust him as I did before, so he can trust me back. It's just harder now that he lied to me... and it is hard knowing that he isn't able to trust me...

But thanks. I have to keep that in mind and then see where it's going to leed me. I also need to talk to him... gosh I am just so scared now, I don't know where and how to start!

I hate hurting him and I know I do when I tell him how I feel (because he feels the same way I guess... he doesn't like to hear that I am hurt)... but I have too, that's all about communication, sharing and building something solid... oh wow. I am talking to myself now haha!

Thanks Agave.

[Rixy]

«Eh, we all have issues and trusting or not being trusted is part of it. To me, if you can accept 70% of a persons flaws? Just live with it and make the best of it. Were all not perfect.. ya.»

I know. I am not perfect either. That is not what I am asking for... all I want is trust and honesty.

[Agape]

"I hate hurting him and I know I do when I tell him how I feel"

The truth, the whole truth + honesty + openness . . . better you get all these negative feelings out else it will just get worse

[Rixy]

Yes it's true.
I finally talked to him today.

The good things are : he didn't run away, didn't yell, listened and we actually were able to talk without any fight. It was a hell of a good surprise!
Bad things are : I found out he is on multiple dating web sites (was on it before meeting me but still continues). For him, it's fake and just a thrill. According to what he said, he never wants or never will actually meet any of these people.

We talked and I told him I was actually happy he told me the truth instead of lying. But I had to tell him that this whole situation was upsetting and I would have to see what's up with that because for me it is cheating... or it is closed. I don't know if I will be able to just go on with that in mind... knowing he is chatting/looking at people's info on dating's websites. How odd is that?

I am scared that I would end up not being able to live this way but... for now i am just confused, sad, angry and i just need time to see clear about what is going to happen. Which decision I will be making... that is good for me.
Thanks everyone...

[Agape]

"was on it before meeting me but still continues"

Hmm, well that explains some things - it's an old habit of his . . . although it's apparently "fake and just a thrill" and "he never wants or never will actually meet any of these people" it's good that you told him how it made you feel - hopefully he will get the message sometime soon