How to fix something that went wrong

[celestina]

You are trying to fit a square peg to a round hole. Adult people's personalities don't fundamentally change, all your trying will accomplish is delaying another breakup due to your basic incompatibility. You'll pretend to be different for a while, but it won't change who you fundamentally are. Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear, but if he is smart (and sounds like he is) he will realize this. Stay friends if you like but I would look elsewhere for a romantic relationship.

This is nothing to do with whether you are both good people, BTW. There are lots of good people who are simply incompatible for all sorts of reasons. Sounds like this is your case so save yourself the longterm bother and move on.

Thanks Indi. I agree with what you say. It's true that character and habits don't change. But I do believe in improving one's own feelings and personality. I'm not expecting miracles or setting unrealistic expectations for myself or anyone, but, I believe there is always place for betterment, in everyone, if they see something they want to change and understand why they want to do it, then yes, I believe they can change. A person can always grow, and/or become more mature, if they set their minds to it. And umm, at this point, the conversation isn't even about my relationship anymore -- it's about how one should always strive to be the best they can be.

I am not oversensitive in any other aspect of my life (studies, career, friendship, family) but in love, I admit it, I do tend to be. And it's something I want to change, not for my partner, but for myself. I can say that I am a lot more emotionally independent than I used to be, compared to a few years back, and I intend to keep becoming it more and to be happy this way.

And of course, if after I've tried again, we both really see that the "square does not fit the round hole", then yes, I will have no choice but to "save myself the longterm bother and move on".

Thanks for your time, it's greatly appreciated.

[celestina]

I guess i understand that to a certain point. When you are with someone who is so over emotional that it can be draining to yourself, sometimes no matter how much you love someone, it can bring your feelings to a lower level of that person and begin to get sick of it. My ex was like that and i put up with it for a long time. But eventually i just got so drained from it all i had to try and stop loving him. Seeing him for what he is rather than this blurred, blind vision i had of him.
But i will say, he broke up with you, because he didnt want to be with you. He probably saw you as unnessasary while he was away at work, so why would he want to be tied down to something like that. If a man loves a woman, i believe they will do anything to stay together. Just because you got emotional..That shouldnt have been a deal breaker i dont think.

I remember when my first boyfriend went away working, i cried and cried and begged him to stay with me. He just laughed and said he needed to go, but he reassured me he would call everynight and i would be the first to see him when he got home. I know he loved me at that time.. He would have never left me for being upset about it.
I just think you should consider your relationship completely you know? I dont want to sound like i am being a downer, but i seriously would. If you are that disposable to him because of something so small, then i wouldnt ever want to give him another chance again. You are worth WAY more.

Thanks for your honest feedback Jaden. You're right about a lot of things. Now the reason I want to keep trying is that, he met me as a person with a lot of common sense (believe it or not) and he loved me for it and we were happy for 5 months that way. Then with the news of his sudden leaving, he was very surprised (and disappointed too I guess) to find out that I had an extremely emotional side as well. So you see, I think this was really, an accident. I am disappointed at myself too, for having broken down. And I know this is an isolated case. After this, I know to be my reasonable self again, and not drain him nor myself with frivolities. Tell me if that makes sense?

Thanks again for your time Jaden, your feedback is helping me a lot in better understanding certain aspects of this problem.

[IndiReloaded]

Thanks Indi. I agree with what you say. It's true that character and habits don't change. But I do believe in improving one's own feelings and personality. I'm not expecting miracles or setting unrealistic expectations for myself or anyone, but, I believe there is always place for betterment, in everyone, if they see something they want to change and understand why they want to do it, then yes, I believe they can change. A person can always grow, and/or become more mature, if they set their minds to it. And umm, at this point, the conversation isn't even about my relationship anymore -- it's about how one should always strive to be the best they can be.

I am not oversensitive in any other aspect of my life (studies, career, friendship, family) but in love, I admit it, I do tend to be. And it's something I want to change, not for my partner, but for myself. I can say that I am a lot more emotionally independent than I used to be, compared to a few years back, and I intend to keep becoming it more and to be happy this way.

And of course, if after I've tried again, we both really see that the "square does not fit the round hole", then yes, I will have no choice but to "save myself the longterm bother and move on".

Well, you've set your mind on this path so all I can advise further as you go forward is to try to see things as they are, not how you'd like them to be. Its easy to confuse the two, especially if things aren't working as you'd like.

Thanks for your time, it's greatly appreciated.

You're welcome. Good luck.

[celestina]

see things as they are, not how you'd like them to be.

This is invaluable advice Indi. Thank you.

[celestina]

Just wanted to say that my partner and I have now patched things up and are still together. Thank you JadenMia, bulrush, HeartIsAching, IndiReloaded, to have replied and come up with such valuable advice... You've all helped a little in allowing me to see the problem from different perspectives and to come up with the right things to do. Thanks guys xx