The foreplay thread

[pisces25]

There is always someone who loves more than the other, and who also suffers the most.

Ours was weird. I think he loved me more (or at least we were equal) but I was more physically attracted to him than he was to me. I think it is rare to get everything equal.. one always seems to desire the other more. For the undesired, it sux.

[Wakeup]

There is always someone who loves more than the other, and who also suffers the most.

I think in a healthy, happy union, that power is transferred back and forth. If one always has the power then it is a mis-match and it likely won't last because one won't be getting their needs and wants met enough to satisfy.

[MaidenMinx]

I felt the same towards my ex. What sucked was he never felt the same way (well, in the very beginning he did, before all his insecurities came pouring out). I always wondered if it was me, but he would always lovingly reassure me that it was just the way he is. I was halfway to running around 24/7 in panties and a pair of stilettos just to get his attention sometimes! He only got really frisky if his inhibitions were lowered enough after a few drinks, otherwise he was pretty uptight about sex (pretty uptight in comparison to me anyway). It always felt like being intimate had to be this big production instead of a fun, carefree way to appreciate each other. Getting turned down got old really fast and then got depressing and upsetting. He's the only guy I met that didn't have a libido to match my own.

This is where a lot of girls go wrong. 'he's grown bored. I'll show more flesh' Unless you're general practice is to dress like a prude this is bound to back fire. One thing I think a lot of ladies need to learn is how to maintain some mystery. Get changed with your back towards your partner (if not in another room - my favourite trick is to get dressed directly in front of him without showing a thing. He finds it fascinating that I can change my underwear without having to remove outer layers), shower with the door locked - especially if you're grooming and avoid falling into the comfortable habit of peeing with the door open. :p

[Jolicoeur]

For the undesired, it sux.

If one always has the power then it is a mis-match and it likely won't last because one won't be getting their needs and wants met enough to satisfy.

I don't have much experience with relationships, but I don't think you have to see this in black & white. It's not because one loves less that there is no love at all. Love is not a binary switch in our brain. It's a complex and constantly evolving emotion.

But I suppose that's not exactly what you girls meant. And I agree that the more matched your love is, the better the relationship works.

[maxmax]

(watching a guy shoot a gun is suuuuch a turn on for me). Women like exciting manly hobbies that show how manly you are.

Really?

Nothing says masculinity more than shooting something ...

Now I know where I have been going wrong.

[maxmax]

Anyhow, everything in a relationship, every action, is foreplay of somesort, up until the actual act of having sex.

[bulrush]

Men also need to learn about something called discretion. You should never be trying these tricks with a woman on a first date. Well, you can, but most guys never care to put in so much effort on a first date, second, or even third date. Guys tend to stereotypically "play it safe" until they're sure they've reeled her in enough.

I understand that's how most guys are. But when I talk to a woman online to get to know here (I do online dating) within 3 emails I tell her I am open-minded, communication is important, and I can talk about anything, including sex. I'm also looking for a long-term relationship. I also tell them that sex is important to me, and if it's not important to them, we will not work out. I don't want to waste their time or mine (and I say that). Most women appreciate my candor. Some say, "thanks for being honest but this is not for me." I say goodbye and wish them well. Others say "You are a breath of fresh air! You are so interesting! Tell me more about yourself."

What men fail to realize is that you can have a fulfilling sexy relationship if you take the right steps. Learn to cook a meal. Know how to open a bottle of wine without looking like an idiot. Know what kind of wine she likes. Show her your gun collection (watching a guy shoot a gun is suuuuch a turn on for me). Women like exciting manly hobbies that show how manly you are. It makes her feel like a red-blooded woman.

I find that most women are either afraid of guns, or simply could not care less about them. But I *do* talk about myself and things I like to do. And the point of a date is to share personal stuff about myself as a man. Yes, I like kids, hiking, swimming, petting sharks and stingrays, catching snakes with my bare hands, lifting weights, and fluffy bunnies. I hope she does too. The point of a date is to share things about yourself so they can get to know you. The more I share, and the sooner I do it, the sooner I know if we will get along. It works and it works fabulously!

And on a date, I let it all out. I make goofy jokes (not off color or offensive). I wink, and make kissy faces at her if things are going well. If she looks nervous I don't do stuff like that. And I ask her if she's nervous. I don't guess.

Then in private, if she's not nervous, on a first date we do talk about how she and I feel about sex. That does not mean we actually have sex. But I want to get that out of the way, right away.

So let me give some good and bad examples. Both of these illustrate bad and good communication.

Bad example: I meet a woman online, we don't have time to talk a lot online, but we decide to meet at a restaurant. I walk up to her, give her a hug, say "Hi! Great to meet you!" and whisper in her ear "I want to take you in the back of the car." Of course she's going to get freaked out! I acted like a creep, because she doesn't know me that well.

Good example: Me and a girl talk online or on the phone a lot for about 10 days. We talk about our attitudes about sex before we even meet in person. She is very open-minded and told me she likes when men talk dirty to her. So we meet at a restaurant, I approach her and say "Hi! Great to finally meet you!" I give her a hug and say softly in her ear: "I'd like to take you in the back room and be naughty."

She smiles, and I grab her hand and pull her into the restaurant, while her mind is elsewhere, racing with all the things I might possibly to do her. She's probably thinking: "Is he really going to take me in the back room? Does he know the restaurant owners? Has he planned this? Now I'm intrigued."

I think in a healthy, happy union, that power is transferred back and forth. If one always has the power then it is a mis-match and it likely won't last because one won't be getting their needs and wants met enough to satisfy.

What I like is when power shifts all the time. One day I'll be teasing my gf, the next day she'll have bought a new pair of thigh-high boots and will be parading around in them, teasing me. I might say "Oh, you did NOT just buy those boots." The next day I'll counter with a pair of black leather-like thongs. She'll counter by wearing a garter set with those thigh high boots. I'll say "Game on, woman!" and laugh. And I'll add a black bow tie to my thong, wearing just those and a smile. And I've got the body for it too.

[Jolicoeur]

Alright, as an exercise, what about this:

We're sitting in a restaurant on a first date, and my female friend excuses herself to go to the restroom. Can I wisper to her "As soon as you turn around I'm going to look at you sexy bottom all the way to the restroom." and give her a little smile.

Is this sexy or is this creepy?

[maxmax]

Is this sexy or is this creepy?

You'll realise which one it is when she either slaps you in the face, or just leaves.

[lahnnabell]

This is where a lot of girls go wrong. 'he's grown bored. I'll show more flesh' Unless you're general practice is to dress like a prude this is bound to back fire. One thing I think a lot of ladies need to learn is how to maintain some mystery. Get changed with your back towards your partner (if not in another room - my favourite trick is to get dressed directly in front of him without showing a thing. He finds it fascinating that I can change my underwear without having to remove outer layers), shower with the door locked - especially if you're grooming and avoid falling into the comfortable habit of peeing with the door open. :p

This is all stuff I've managed to make an effort to change with this new relationship I very much agree.

[lahnnabell]

Alright, as an exercise, what about this:

We're sitting in a restaurant on a first date, and my female friend excuses herself to go to the restroom. Can I wisper to her "As soon as you turn around I'm going to look at you sexy bottom all the way to the restroom." and give her a little smile.

Is this sexy or is this creepy?

This is why men need lessons on discretion and conversation. You have to feel the situation out and be able to read her to see if she can find that sexy. Or in bulrush's case, you do research first to figure out if that's something she'd like to hear. She'll have to be very comfortable with you if it's going to work, otherwise, yeah, it's just plain creepy.

[lahnnabell]

[QUOTE=bulrush;737078]I find that most women are either afraid of guns, or simply could not care less about them. But I *do* talk about myself and things I like to do. And the point of a date is to share personal stuff about myself as a man. Yes, I like kids, hiking, swimming, petting sharks and stingrays, catching snakes with my bare hands, lifting weights, and fluffy bunnies. I hope she does too. The point of a date is to share things about yourself so they can get to know you. The more I share, and the sooner I do it, the sooner I know if we will get along. It works and it works fabulously!

The gun thing was a personal example. I love snakes too. And my boyfriend isn't afraid of them! For once! Future pet But we want kittens first.

And most guys that I've known share like you do. They're free and comfortable to tell me all sorts of things about themselves. Even though I've been through a lot of heart break, nearly all of my relationships have lasted well beyond 1 year and have been with really intelligent guys. I still talk to a lot of them and I consider them to be some of the best people I've ever known.

[Jolicoeur]

This is why men need lessons on discretion and conversation. You have to feel the situation out and be able to read her to see if she can find that sexy.

Where can I take these lessons? Can you teach me? What if I can't sense this?

I feel boring and awkward when I'm with a girl I like. It always seems like I have to drag the conversation along, which I pretty much interpret as her not being interested in me.

[lahnnabell]

You learn these lessons by practicing. Think Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. He got slapped countless times before he learned his lessons Also try out bulrush's methods. He knows what he's talking about.

[bulrush]

Alright, as an exercise, what about this:

We're sitting in a restaurant on a first date, and my female friend excuses herself to go to the restroom. Can I wisper to her "As soon as you turn around I'm going to look at you sexy bottom all the way to the restroom." and give her a little smile.

Is this sexy or is this creepy?

If you read my post, I said after 2 conversations of light talk, me and the girl talk frankly about sex and what she likes before the first date. If she appears to be very open-minded about sex, AND she's not nervous on the first date, I'd say what you said on a first date. If not, I'd wait until she's less nervous. For this, if she's ok with that, like she smiles when you said it, as she goes to the restroom, look at her bum. If she turns around to look at you, turn away quickly, but make sure she sees you admiring her.

Do you see the subtle interplay here?