Long read, need some help. Am I losing her, or just over-reacting?

[Sirius30]

Update:

So things got really good for about a month. I've lost 25lbs, eat good, am open to trying new things and have been very social. In my mind, I have done a complete 180. In the same time frame, my wife's best friend fell for the guy I was getting a bit jealous over. Her friend and her sort of fell out of touch, and werent hanging out as much. Now she has started hanging with other friends over the last couple of weeks. In the last two weeks I have spent maybe 1 night with her where we are together. I opened up to her again last night, said things were feeling bad and I was loosing my connection with her because we never see each other. I just got a text "Having dinner at ___ house, dont know when I'll be home"......

I give up, I think I am at wits end.....what else can I possibly do, I am burning the candle at both ends to keep up with my changes I have made as it is and things are not better overall. Things were ok for a bit, but I feel I was the fallback because her best friend at the time was leaving her out.

[IndiReloaded]

You should have gone out with them on her birthday. You sound like a homebody and she wants some fun and excitement. Nothing really wrong with that except for the secretiveness. I am much more social than my spouse; I just went out with a GF the other night and he stayed home. Its only a big deal if she has needs you aren't meeting and she would like you to. You need to ask her this directly. Pay attention to how she acts, not so much what she says.

[lizzy-bet]

This sounds fairly typical to me, I was in the military and I have seen almost all of my friends and their spouses go through this phase. You are the only person she's ever had romantic interest in, and she's spent all of her time with you and now that's been compounded with the kids. Every friend I have who got married young and had kids goes through this phase in their late 20's/early 30's, basically they are doing what girls in their early 20's normally do. It's immature, but as you said yourself, you did lots of things in the beginning of your relationship that were selfish, and you're still married right? Your wife had to go through your changes, and now you're going through hers.

Like others have said, she is bored with your life, and going out with her friends is her way of venting and getting rid of her frustration. She wants to feel sexy and desired, and going out for her allows her to feel that way. There's not a whole lot you can do about it, but the first thing I'd do is not complain about it so much. You "opening up" about your feelings translates to complaining about her, and that is stressful. I would hold a meeting, voice the concerns, and set some ground rules together about what both of you are going to do/not do so this stuff doesn't continue. I'd also sign up for marriage counseling, because a lot of the things you're doing, particularly the willingness to let her go, is driving her away from you. I'd read the ebook "Why women cheat", and you'll find a lot of answers to her behavior. Don't misconstrue that as "my wife is cheating on me", because I don't think she is. But, her not doing anything on your birthday says you don't show appreciation when she does nice things for you, and her going out with her friends all the time tells me your day to day communication sucks.

I would try changing things up and fill up your guys' time so she doesn't have as much room to schedule in plans with her friends. Try ballroom dancing lessons, or cooking lessons as a couple (only if she likes cooking.) I'd also schedule some inexpensive get aways like a time share in a cabin or a weekend in Vegas you can book way ahead of time so it's only a few hundred dollars. I'd write her a card with a few reasons why you appreciate her and leave it on the dresser, pick some flowers or a little gift or something on the way home from work sometimes (I like hot sauce, so occasionally my husband will bring home a bottle of hot sauce for me.) Little romantic gestures go a LONG, LONG way with women. It sounds like the root of the problem is stress, so try and de-stress her life. I'd try to go out with her friends and her at least once a month if you can stomach it, and take notice of what they talk about as that will give you insight to what she's craving. Tell her before she goes out with her friends that she looks good, or send some naughty text messages while she is gone so she has something to look FORWARD to when she comes home, instead of dreading the confrontation. Don't force the sex stuff or weird her out either, just do the same normal things you have always done, but make sure she gets hers first and she'll be much happier. I'd start planning a summer road trip, and if you REALLY want to get on her good side, take her shopping for dresses or lingerie. Just keep the mood light and fun, she will be surprised that you're doing different stuff together and that you're not mad at her. Also, marriage retreats are AWESOME, even if you aren't religious. Getting a marriage counselor proves you are serious, and should help.

I would worry less about this, again I have many female friends going through this exact stage and most of the time it's simply because they feel trapped as a housewife and are bored. She's looking for new hobbies to distract that boredom and I believe it will work its way out of her system. If the above stuff goes by with zero effect, I'd be worried, but otherwise try to relax and don't dwell on it so much.

[Sirius30]

Lizzie, thank you for the reply.

I have been trying to do exactly what you are outlining above: I have been bringing home flowers now and then, attempted to book cooking lessons with her, been going out and doing things I wouldnt have even thought for a second of doing just two months ago (sushi dinner and I hate seafood), romantic massages almost daily for a month, and giving way and taking care of the family to let her get out and have fun. We went shopping for lingerie, sex toys, and had a month of really good sex life. It has been the most exhausting two months of my life, and I have given every bit of energy towards it but feel like nothing is coming back my way at all. I feel more alone than I did before, and as much as I try to stay positive I finally had enough of it this week.

My brother went through marriage counselling for two years with his wife, spent close to 10k on it and they are splitting up. He states that the counsellor said in the end that they just need to separate. He also said the added expenses just added to their daily stress and just made things worse off for them.

In all honesty I love her so much and will be holding on as long as I can, and trying to keep positive because my negativity is making things worse off for us. Im sure she just loves coming home to see me so negative as well, which is probably driving her away even more. It's just so.....bloody hard!

[sarah111]

Maybe you should pull back from you're wife, I know it sounds horrible, but with you chasing her and always talking about how she's going out all the time she may be getting frustrated, and the more you talk about it the less time she wants to spend with you.

You should find a babysitter and plan a very romantic night out. Remind her why she loves you, and bring some excitement back into the relationship. Do something other then dinner and a maybe movie. Plan a romantic picnic with candles and her fav food. Talk about when you very first go together and all your happy memories. Whatever you do DON'T talk about her going out.

After this, maybe plan to have a quality night out each week or fortnight. But apart from this, pull back from your wife, she may be feeling suffocated, I'm sure she loves you very deeply, but sometimes going out with friends without your partner is nice. You just have to focus on yourself. Perhaps you should joins a boxing group or something and also expand your horzions. There is nothing less attractive then knowing you have a man at home pinning over you, being depressed. It might be a bit of fresh air for her to see that you are giving her some space, then she'll begin to miss you and Bring excitment and the flame back into the relationship.

[HeartIsAching]

I'm sure she loves you very deeply

What makes you sure of that?! Nothing in what he's posted has indicated that she gives a shit at all.

[sarah111]

What makes you sure of that?! Nothing in what he's posted has indicated that she gives a shit at all.

what, so because she out living her life, she no longer loves her husband whom she's been with since she was 14?

[HeartIsAching]

As Wakeup is so fond of point out, love isn't a noun, it's a verb. Her actions say otherwise.

[Sirius30]

It is our wedding anniversary. Tonight gone out, tomorrow gone out again. Next weekend gone overnight on Sat/Sun.....
What do I do? I am at a loss.....

[IndiReloaded]

She's having an affair, Sirius. Sorry.

[Sirius30]

How do I prove this without risking further damage? Or, do I just walk away from the relationship now?

[HeartIsAching]

How do I prove this without risking further damage? Or, do I just walk away from the relationship now?

Hire a private investigator.

[Leona77]

Gosh, thank God someone finally said what everyone is thinking. Of course she is having an affair..she's got all the symptoms.Missing out on important dates/annivers...etc, physical look...so many red flags that I can't see the sky.. I suggest if you can't afford a detective, snoop yourself before you confront her. I know it sounds bad, but otherwise she'll find a way to blame it on your paranoia/jealosy.make sure you have evidence when you confront her. Good luck!

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Time to separate. Don't waste time and money w/ the counselor. You two have grown apart, you had a decent run but, it's over. Tell her that you suspect an affair, and rather than going to the trouble of proving it you'd rather just separate for a while. Write up an agreement and have her sign it.