Long read, need some help. Am I losing her, or just over-reacting?

[Sirius30]

First time poster, so I hope someone can help me out. I've tried to talk to friends, family, and even my wife, but I still feel very depressed.

I've been with my wife since we were 14. Obviously we got married at a later age, but still very young. We now have two children (3 and 4) and we are both turning 30 this year.

My wife and I have always had a really good relationship. I do admit that I have been somewhat unwilling to go along with my wife on things over the years, but overall I think we have been pretty happy.

A few months ago my wife really got into text messaging with her friends. When I mean really, it was literally the only thing she did constantly for hours on end. Even when we were alone she would be texting while I was trying to have conversations with her. I told her that it bothered me a bit, but things didn't really change. Now, in the last couple of months she has started to hang out with her friends more. She generally goes out 1-2 times/week, but has also left for a few hours here and there to go running. She works late twice a week, and also goes to school part time, so I dont see much of her during the week anyways.
She has really taken notice more so than before on her physical looks, even to the point of wanting breast augmentation. (She did breast feed, and this was a bit tough on her, but I have always assured her that I was ok with her body).

When we were much younger, she was really jealous of the way I was. We constantly fought because she thought I was too flirty, or she felt that I shouldnt have had any friends that were girls. It almost ended our relationship many times, but I held on because I loved her. Eventually, this passed, but not until very recently (last year or two). My physique has rotted a bit over the last few years, I am a bit overweight and very out of shape. I also dont take care of myself as well as I used to.

Now, I dont think that she is cheating, but I do think that she is striving for a bit of attention from guys, and probably likes it. I fear that this may lead to something more, but I really do consider her to be faithful. I have caught her checking guys out, and I have never seen this in the past, ever.

My 30th just passed, and she didn't do anything special for me. I had one of my fav dinners with the family, but I was sort of expecting more for just the two of us.

We had a long discussion a week ago about my feelings. I opened up to her, and told her everything. She said she was pretty shocked from what I was telling her. She said that I never really care about my b-day so she didnt think this was a big deal. She also mentioned that our outings were not always that great (dinner&movies) and that they weren't really special. She thought what she did was good enough. We talked about her texting and going out more often, and she mentioned that she needed her time to do things she needed to do. She has invited me to go to some of these events, but I am not a very social person and I dont know anyone at the events she is going to so I would probably wind up sitting by myself the entire night. I told her that I didnt think that we were spending enough quality time with the family, and I felt that I was loosing her. She didnt really see my side at all, and I think she thought I was being a bit selfish. We started to argue a bit, so I dropped it and made up. Over the next several days I was still really effected by it. I was hoping that she was going to make up for my bday, and surprise me with an outing with just the two of us, but instead she went to a party with friends and left me at home alone with the kids again. Even missed a birthday gathering I had with my closest family. I was really hurt by this, and again we had another talk. She opened up more to me saying that she regrets not really having the party life outside of me, and wishes that she was a little more social than she was. We sort of kept to ourselfs, and didnt really go out partying much in our 20's. She said that she regretted not having the excitement of dating like most people do, and that she was bored with what we always do. I asked her if she was interested in meeting other guys, and I would be open to letting her go so she could get that experience, but she was pretty firm in stating that she was not. I told her that I would try to be more understanding of her wants, but I also needed time with her as well. We made plans on going out together on a date night. She also tried to convince me that I need time for myself away from everyone, but in reality all I want to do is spend quality time with my family.

Our date night wasnt really that great. I tried unsuccessfuly to make reservations, and we ended up going to a late dinner. Before this, we spent some time talking at a place we loved to go to when we were younger. The whole time I could sense a bit of almost frustration and boredom from her. The dinner was a bit loud in the restaurant, and we didnt really have good conversation. Afterwards, we went to a sex shop and bought some new toys. However, that night the sex didnt go well, was a bit awkward, and we didnt finish. I have been trying new things to try and spice things up in bed, but she tells me she feels a bit pressured by it which turns her off.

A week went by, and I still sort of felt, just depressed over everything. She went out a couple more times (once dinner with friends, and other running with friend). I opened up to her again. I told her that I am having a difficult time with this, and I felt that I should let her go so she didnt feel that I was holding her back. I love her to death, but I am deathly afriad of us resenting each other so bad that we end up hating each other. We both cried, and both assured each other of our love.

She is out again tonight, and I am alone again, and depression is creeping on me. I dont know what to do/say. I feel that if I try to keep her back, then she will resent me, and I am trying to give her space, but how much space is normal??? I am looking at other couples and wondering how much time do they get alone? Do I split with her before things get bad, and hope that she comes back to me when she is done with this change? I am so lost right now, and have nobody to talk to. I tried to talk to family, but that made things worse because they approached her about it and made her mad at them.

Really hoping that I can find someone to just talk to, tell me I am being jealous and over-reacting, and give me some tips on beating this depression. Or give me some tips on 'getting her back' without her hating my guts. Am I over-reacting?

[HeartIsAching]

It sounds to me as if your wife is tired of the staleness of your relationship. She's looking for other outlets. This isn't necessarily bad.

What IS bad, is the fact that she's either not telling you what it is, or she's telling you and you're ignoring it.

You've already said that you're physically unfit and overweight, and that she's less interested in you... what are you doing about it? If the answer is "Nothing", then you just don't care. Nothing wrong with that, if that's what you want.

Personally, I think you two need to work on your communications, and you yourself need to find some outside interests, preferably ones that involve physical exertion.

[Sirius30]

Thank you so much for the reply. I appreciate all input here.

Agreed, I am unfit and feel unattractive. And, yes, I am doing nothing about it. That is not what I want, but unfortunately how my life dictates me. I am currently looking for some ways to get better about this however, so I dont want do just keep doing nothing about it. What 's worse is the depression is draining my energy levels and making me even worse.

Is my answer taking time for myself to do things on my own? My wife says it is, and has given me time to take on my own, but everytime I do I end up missing my family and not really enjoying myself. I want to be with her, not on my own. I want to overcome my lack of self esteem and be more social, but as much as I try I cannot do this.

I've been trying harder and harder to do sweet things for her and be a better husband, but this is only since I have noticed a change in my wife. It's too bad it takes times like this before you realize how much you may have f'd up, and took advantage of things....

[HeartIsAching]

Ok... this is coming from a bicycle fanatic, so bear that in mind!

Why does your life dictate that you be overweight and out of shape?

Three+ years ago, I stopped driving and stopped eating refined sugar that I could easily avoid. This means that I built a trailer for my bicycle and did all of my errands by bicycle, and stopped eating just about anything that's prepackaged. I've lost 35 lbs., and still losing without cutting back on ANYTHING. I still drink all the beer I used to. I still eat as much as I used to. I've gone from 220 lbs. to 185, and hoping I'll stop somewhere around 170.

Even if you live far away from work, is there a possibility that you can bus partway and bike the rest? For a long time I bused to work and rode my bike home - that was because at the time 20 miles each way was too much for me.

Find SOMETHING, anything to do to increase your exercise level. Show her that you're making an effort. Better yet, find something you can do with her - you said she's going walking and jogging with friends. Can you join her?

And good lord, refusing to do social things with her, then complaining that she's going without you? Go! You only "wind up sitting in a corner by yourself" if that's what you CHOOSE to do. You can be social if you want to.

[Sirius30]

Thanks again for the input, much appreciated!

First I'll comment on the social aspect:
I have been trying. I put on an act, pretend to interact and be friendly with people. I really have. She knows who I am, I have never changed in all the years we have been together. There is nothing new here. I dont like being a fraud, and especially don't enjoy putting on an act. She sees this, and understands that aspect in my life completely (I think anyways).

I dont mind the fact that she's going out without me. I really dont. I get that people need time for theirselves. What I am trying to understand is what is typical in a relationship. We have never been through this before, so I am trying to understand what others do. The last 10 years of our relationship we probably spent upwards of 90% of our free time together. Today its probably less than 20%.

Now, I'd love to bike ride to work. I used to do this daily, and was a bike fanatic as well. I noticed this about you right away (bike avatar) My problem today is that I have to drop off/pick up my kids from daycare everyday so riding to work is out of the question. I have been looking to get back into bike riding, but since I am watching my kids the majority of the time these days I dont have the time to go out and do this. I have been contemplating buying an exercise bike and trying to get fit at home, while my kids are here, but am not sure about it because its not quite the same. I signed up for a gym membership in the past, but never found the free time to actually go. My weight is currently 220lbs (6'1"), my eating habits were really poor last year, but I have made the effort to fix in the last year. It hasn't helped me much, and I know I need to add exercise with it. Walking/jogging with her would be wonderful, I would enjoy that greatly, but cant due to the kids with us. We do go for walks with the kids some days, and if both knew how to ride a bicycle good we could probably go for a run while they were beside us, but this isnt the case.

[HeartIsAching]

Thanks again for the input, much appreciated!

First I'll comment on the social aspect:
I have been trying. I put on an act, pretend to interact and be friendly with people. I really have. She knows who I am, I have never changed in all the years we have been together. There is nothing new here. I dont like being a fraud, and especially don't enjoy putting on an act. She sees this, and understands that aspect in my life completely (I think anyways).

I dont mind the fact that she's going out without me. I really dont. I get that people need time for theirselves. What I am trying to understand is what is typical in a relationship. We have never been through this before, so I am trying to understand what others do. The last 10 years of our relationship we probably spent upwards of 90% of our free time together. Today its probably less than 20%.

Now, I'd love to bike ride to work. I used to do this daily, and was a bike fanatic as well. I noticed this about you right away (bike avatar) My problem today is that I have to drop off/pick up my kids from daycare everyday so riding to work is out of the question. I have been looking to get back into bike riding, but since I am watching my kids the majority of the time these days I dont have the time to go out and do this. I have been contemplating buying an exercise bike and trying to get fit at home, while my kids are here, but am not sure about it because its not quite the same. I signed up for a gym membership in the past, but never found the free time to actually go. My weight is currently 220lbs (6'1"), my eating habits were really poor last year, but I have made the effort to fix in the last year. It hasn't helped me much, and I know I need to add exercise with it. Walking/jogging with her would be wonderful, I would enjoy that greatly, but cant due to the kids with us. We do go for walks with the kids some days, and if both knew how to ride a bicycle good we could probably go for a run while they were beside us, but this isnt the case.

That's easy - she's bored out of her skull. She wants interaction, some sort of different stimulation. I love my wife to pieces but we don't spend ALL our time together. She does bike with me a lot these days, tho.

It kind of sounds to me as if you're making excuses about the exercise. If you really wanted to pick up your kids with your bike, there are solutions.

[Sirius30]

There is no way to ride a bike to work with the kids. Don't get me wrong, I would love to do this, but to do so would entail me having to get them up at 4:30am every morning so I could make it to work ontime. Hardly fair for my kids IMO. However, I did speak to my wife today about her possibly dropping them off/picking up a couple of times/week to allow me to do this.

Exercise aside. What is typical in a relationship for spouses to have their own free time to go out and do things? Is it typical for you to be out 2-3 times/week on your own time?

[amanda.m]

She does seem very bored with the marriage and things probably need to be spiced back up to catch her interest.

What bothers me is that you have expressed how hurt you are and she doesn't seem to care. Also, you have 2 young children at home and they also need time with their mother and if she is never home then where does that leave them in all of this?

I understand you two got serious way too early and she missed out on the dating and the partying but it was her choice after all. she choose to be with you all of those years, marry you, and then have children with you. Just because she is regretting not being able to party and date doesn't mean she needs to drop her responsibilities as a wife and mother. She seems a little selfish in my opinion

[Sirius30]

She does seem very bored with the marriage and things probably need to be spiced back up to catch her interest.

What bothers me is that you have expressed how hurt you are and she doesn't seem to care. Also, you have 2 young children at home and they also need time with their mother and if she is never home then where does that leave them in all of this?

I understand you two got serious way too early and she missed out on the dating and the partying but it was her choice after all. she choose to be with you all of those years, marry you, and then have children with you. Just because she is regretting not being able to party and date doesn't mean she needs to drop her responsibilities as a wife and mother. She seems a little selfish in my opinion

Thank you for the reply.

That is exactly how I have been feeling, but how do I express these feelings to her so she get's it? I have told her this already straight out, but she see's it as I am trying to hold her back. That's why I am wondering how much 'free time' for someone in a relationship like this is typical?

I will admit that things have sort of "bored" between us since we had kids, but I guess this is to be expected. We do have some great times with the kids, but hardly take time for ourselves away from the kids. However, I dont really see this as being a bad thing. I have been trying to be a bit more romantic with her lately, and I think that I am doing the right things now, but I still feel the same way and am not really feeling the love back from her. I sometimes think that maybe I am trying too much (i.e. she is feeling a bit pressured with sex) and that I could make things worse.

On a side note, I did sign up for the gym today and will be going in a couple of days for my introduction and first workout. It is a 24hr gym so I expect to go early in the AM before I need to get ready for work.

[Sirius30]

So just a quick update.

I decided that I needed to quit dwelling about things, and just change myself for the better even if I end up alone. It's been a really long time since I focused on my well being and when I started to do this I felt a fire burning deep inside me. My motivation has never been this high in my entire life. Ive been going to the gym, have been going running every night I cant make it to the gym, and have really changed my diet again for the better. I took a liking to cooking, and putting alot of effort into it. I started drinking again, and am even heading out tonight to a bar (unthinkable just a few weeks ago). My wife noticed the big change in me, and it really brought her down. She thought I was just giving up on the relationship and preparing myself to date. We had a couple more talks and things seemed to be heading in the right direction.

Now its her b-day on Monday. She is asking to go out with friends and with them is a guy she knows I had jealousy over. I also found out today that this guy is recently single. She never invited me, even though I would go if asked (she knows this now). We spoke last week about the guy, and she told me not to worry that he was in a relationship and now today I find out he is single. Do I call her out on this, or is it an honest mistake on her part? Should I care that she wants to be with friends on her bday more than me and the family? I'm keeping positive, and feel whatever happens is meant to be. Im feeling that darkness coming over me again, and have been working out and feeding off of this. I'm enjoying myself, and looking forward to the future even if it doesnt end up with my wife. I still love her to death, but I really dont want to be so tied to anything like that anymore where if there are problems it drags me to such a deep level of depression that I cant even think straight anymore. I guess I can say I have lost my obsession with her.

[HeartIsAching]

Not wanting to spend time with you and the family on her birthday... and with this other guy, that does seem to be a red flag.

I have a question:

Why were you jealous over him in the past? Did you have reason, or were you just insecure?

[Sirius30]

I have never found myself to be a jealous guy. Thing is, my wife has been secretive (hiding text messages), acting different, and she said her best friend has a crush on this guy. My wife has admitted that he is good looking, and that she is good friends with him. I guess the moment she said that her best friend had a crush on him was the moment I started putting everything together in my head and getting concerned. Probably a big reason as well was I saw myself as being very unattractive.

[Sirius30]

Update 2:

Our night out was fun. She said it felt like our first real date. We both got completely hammered and I still can't believe that I let go of my "shell" that I've had on for years. Definitely needed that. Nice thing is I think I can handle things on my own if it were to come to that. I always thought I'd be the loser guy in the corner by himself, but I think I am finally letting go of those thoughts. Maybe my anti-social perspective is changing....

I told her what she wants to do on her bday is her choice, that it's her day. I told her how I felt about 'the guy' and she just thought it was silly. I asked her if the guy's girlfriend was going, and her reply was no, no spouses are coming. So I take three things from that: 1. She doesnt know this guy is single 2. She knows he's single but doesnt want to tell me because of my jealousy or 3. She wants to be with the guy, and doesnt want me coming. I'm doubting 3, but there is still that little voice in my head that I cant quite shake. Still f'n sucks she prefers to be with friends rather than family on her b-day, but like I said its her day so she can do what she wants.

[KingZ]

My wife noticed the big change in me, and it really brought her down. She thought I was just giving up on the relationship and preparing myself to date.

That was very annoying to read. You essentially started to do things for yourself and mimic her behavior, and she decides to throw a fit?

I want to know what she did for you on your birthday. You mentioned earlier that you were disappointed with what she had done for you. What was it? I want to compare that with her deciding to go hang out with some guy on her birthday.

There does seem to be fishy behavior going on, I'm sorry to say. Need to know more.

[Sirius30]

My Birthday? Nothing really, I got to eat a nice dinner at home with the kids and her. She missed my bday gathering with my closest family because she went to a party with friends, we didnt go out on a 'date', which ticked me off a bit. Was in my original (long) rant at the beginning.

I finally got it out of her that this guy is single, and she said her best friend and him may be dating.