My Newlywed Husband Said He's Disgusted By Me

[Incognito]

I'm sorry you are experiencing such a rocky start to your marriage. Obviously you know more about the man that you married than any of us, and yourself as well, but I think two of the biggest flaws that I read are:

In his head, he thinks I still have all of these memories that he doesn't have to refer to/compare to. Early on in our relationship, I told him we should take a break so he could "play the field" and see what was out there, and he was too scared to try.

I thought God made us find each other because I was so emotionally broken and screwed up, hooking up wtih random people to find comfort, and he was this *nice* guy - something I hadn't had before. He was nice to me, good to me, we talked, we took time to get to things with each other - he wasn't using me. We connected. At first we didn't, but I told myself, if I am getting into a relationship again, this is the last 1. No more broken heart for me, and I am going to put my all ino this relationship and make it work.

Dating a guy with no prior experience? Not a big deal. Marrying a guy with no prior experience? Big fat wrong deal. I often hear about younger women being in relationships that are woefully unhealthy (my brother and his girlfriend/fiancee for instance), and usually the guy is acting like such a dick because they don't realize how real relationships work yet because of lack of experience. I told my brother's fiancee this and also told her that it would fail. Their relationship ended after he became grossly disrespectful to her and cheated on her. My brother, and guys like him, won't be able to have a healthy relationship until they realize the do's and don't of relationships. Sadly it will take a bunch of failed relationships and possibly broken hearts before they reach that point.

Speaking further on your husband's point of view... I'm not surprised at all that he finds your past sexual escapades "whorish". I ONLY say that because many unexperienced males view a woman who has already had sex as "damaged goods". Even I had this warped and woefully unhealthy view when I was younger. I, and most males, realize that it thoroughly unrealistic and unfair by our mid teenage years. Unfortunately because of your husbands lack of experience he is still stuck at a place that almost every other male has moved on from. With no relationship experience it is no wonder that he is jealous of your past. That is as much his fault as it is yours because you knew about this early on.

The highlighted portion is a huge "no-no" for many reasons. You should NEVER force a relationship to work by overlooking important issues, putting someone up on a pedestal, and minimizing your own importance. NEVER. Reading your quote it is almost as if you were saying "I know this guy has some major issues, but dammit I'm tired of being alone and broken hearted. I'm going to make this work however I can". The problem is that you were successful, and now you're here.

[Incognito]

As far as actual constructive advice, it has already been given. I will say this though, you can't force anyone to change. One can only change one's self if they want to, and if they really try. Often the key to getting someone to want to change is helping them to appreciate why they need to change. After all, even if someone changes they will revert to their old ways unless THEY truly appreciated and agreed with the reason that they made [whatever] change. Good luck.

[ashangel]

I honestly thought that not all guys were exactly alike, and that lack of experience doesn't have to mean jealousy and insecurity just because the other person has experience. I hate to group all guys together, but I suppose we're talking human nature?

Anyway, we had a long talk (without a letter). We talked for 2 hours and hugged it out. He was open and willing to talk but I don't think would have initiated it. He apologized for what he said, said he was thinking irriationally and didn't fully mean all that he said. What he DID mean, though, was that yes, he's insecure about my past, and that he likes to think of me as just his, and still has trouble thinking of me having experience, especially since he doesn't (I'm not surprised by any of this, just would've liked it stated in those words the first time around). He said since we are now married, he realizes there's absolutely no way he will have physical contact with another woman unless it is cheating, and it freaks him out to think that he will be with 1 person for the rest of his life and that he thinks it's easier for me to feel that way since I've had my time to "play the field." He said he thinks we met at the best time for me and the worst time for him, because once we met, he honestly thought we'd get married, but he had never had that exploratory time that he could've in college and I had.

So, I asked him how I can help to make this easier on him. We're going to keep discussing it (not my past, but his feelings about it and us), and he said he's thought a threesome would be good because it would be a way for him to get some form of experience with a female other than me but I'd be there so it would be the least offensive way for him to have interaction with someone else, and then he thinks he'd be over his insecurities. I disagree completely and told him that's extremely selfish since he's known my view on bringing other people into a relationship, and that all of these feelings must've come up at some point before we officially got married, and he could have told me all of these things much sooner so we could figure something out because it's unfair to me who can't change things. He apologized, said he knows the things he said to me were awful, he does love me so much and that's why this is so hard because he feels stupid since we both do feel like we have the perfect life together except for this, and that any guy would be happy to be with me so he feels like there's something wrong with him. He IS attracted to me after all, but feels bored with us sexually right now and inadequate with his lack of experience so he flipped because it came out as anger on me. Which very much upsets me, because we've been together so long that it's terrible getting married is what had to make him realize this. We'll work on it, but I don't know how exactly. I told him I think part of why we get bored is because we have our schedules and have little time where we both feel the right mood, and then when we get to that point, there's this emotional barrier between us. I don't want him to get together with anyone else, but if I knew it would fix this issue for the rest of our marriage, I'd be fine with it. I do wish that he could realize how this doesn't need to affect our relationship now since it's been so long, but I can't tell him how to feel and it's unfair of me also to ignore his emotions.

He also works from home literally from 10am-midnight except to eat, and he said he is getting stir crazy not seeing anyone or having outside stimuli other than seeing the cat. We need to go do more things. He starts dwelling on things and it's like he's in The Shining or something, all couped up in the house. Sigh. He's a lot for me to handle, lol. He does NOT want to break up, but I still thinking counseling would be helpful and he still said no. I'm going to see a counselor and maybe that will help me learn how to make him feel better about this.

He never voiced this before except for 1 time when we were 21 and I went abroad. I told him we could take a break and he said he was afraid I'd go hook up wtih people to get back at him for wanting a break, and meanwhile he wouldn't be able to get any girls. I offered to get him a prostitute because I said I don't knwo what else to do for you. (I was not serious). Big sigh.

Thank you SO MUCH for listening to my issues and being so extremely helpful. You have all been the most sincere people online that I've come across. BIG thank you.

[smackie9]

Watch the movie Hall Pass before making any decisions.

[IndiReloaded]

What he's done is emotional and mental abuse, as well as having unrealistic expectations. He's also got some severe communications deficiencies. You don't need to seek counseling, he does.

Wow. This guy has some major fears he's dumping on you. Have you considered that he might be hiding something himself? Generally when people lash out like this its an issue he is having that is only peripherally related to you. In other words, you are an excuse.

So I agree with HIA, except I would add you also need counselling for having been subjected to this kind of behaviour.

Maybe you should push back a bit? Tell him he married you knowing who you are. That you are a loving, devoted wife and don't deserve this treatment.

[Incognito]

....................
So, I asked him how I can help to make this easier on him. We're going to keep discussing it (not my past, but his feelings about it and us), and he said he's thought a threesome would be good because it would be a way for him to get some form of experience with a female other than me but I'd be there so it would be the least offensive way for him to have interaction with someone else, and then he thinks he'd be over his insecurities. I disagree completely and told him that's extremely selfish since he's known my view on bringing other people into a relationship, and that all of these feelings must've come up at some point before we officially got married, and he could have told me all of these things much sooner so we could figure something out because it's unfair to me who can't change things. He apologized, said he knows the things he said to me were awful, he does love me so much and that's why this is so hard because he feels stupid since we both do feel like we have the perfect life together except for this, and that any guy would be happy to be with me so he feels like there's something wrong with him.................

Am I the only one who saw that? ^^^ So wait a minute, let me get this straight. You two have a 2 hour heart to heart discussion ABOUT YOUR MARRIAGE and he suggests a threesome? WTF?! Then he backs off and acknowledges that he is awful and stupid and that something is wrong with him? That is twisted.

First I'd take the threesome request as a sign that he wants to cheat on you, or that at the very least he has entertained some serious thoughts about doing so. You two haven't been married that long and he's feeling out your thoughts on a threesome. I personally am sickened by that. The second highlighted portion sounds like classic abuser's manipulation. They do or say something totally outrageous and then openly heap all the blame on themselves so that you think they feel really bad when they actually don't. I might be wrong on that one, and I hope I am, but that is what it looks like to me. I sincerely hope that he doesn't take the road that most abusers do by getting more and more ridiculous with their speech and actions, but doing it at such a slow subversive pace that you become a victim without even knowing it. I'd hate to see you here a year from now asking us what to do about his absolutely disrespectful speech and how to figure out if he's cheating or not.

I think the bottom line is that you two shouldn't have gotten married. Either he will realize that he has to get over his hangups about your past, or he won't and he'll cheat on you. Simple as that. From what you've written about him so far though it seems to be leaning in the 'cheating' direction right now.

[HeartIsAching]

Am I the only one who saw that? ^^^ So wait a minute, let me get this straight. You two have a 2 hour heart to heart discussion ABOUT YOUR MARRIAGE and he suggests a threesome? WTF?! Then he backs off and acknowledges that he is awful and stupid and that something is wrong with him? That is twisted.

First I'd take the threesome request as a sign that he wants to cheat on you, or that at the very least he has entertained some serious thoughts about doing so. You two haven't been married that long and he's feeling out your thoughts on a threesome. I personally am sickened by that. The second highlighted portion sounds like classic abuser's manipulation. They do or say something totally outrageous and then openly heap all the blame on themselves so that you think they feel really bad when they actually don't. I might be wrong on that one, and I hope I am, but that is what it looks like to me. I sincerely hope that he doesn't take the road that most abusers do by getting more and more ridiculous with their speech and actions, but doing it at such a slow subversive pace that you become a victim without even knowing it. I'd hate to see you here a year from now asking us what to do about his absolutely disrespectful speech and how to figure out if he's cheating or not.

I think the bottom line is that you two shouldn't have gotten married. Either he will realize that he has to get over his hangups about your past, or he won't and he'll cheat on you. Simple as that. From what you've written about him so far though it seems to be leaning in the 'cheating' direction right now.

Holy crap... I skimmed her response there and totally missed that.

Incognito's right... There's something seriously ****ed up about him. Please try to get the both of you into counseling.

[Wakeup]

I's break up with him. Let him fk who he wanted, all he wanted if he wouldn't go to therapy with me.

This man WILL have an affair on you the minute the opportunity arises. He will blame it on you, OP.

Even if he "gets over his hangup about your past" I'm thinking he's going to want to sample the goods of other women no matter how good of a partner you stive to be.

Counceling for both of you or it will be a mess. Good for you for having that convo with him. Surely it's opened your eyes to what is likely to happen in the future.

[HeartIsAching]

Counceling for both of you or it will be a mess. Good for you for having that convo with him. Surely it's opened your eyes to what is likely to happen in the future.

They are newlyweds, so there are likely no kids involved, so yeah I guess you're probably right. Seems a shame to give up without trying though. But you're probably right about him cheating in the future.

[Incognito]

I'd say there is a pretty good chance. They're not in an open relationship, and haven't even discussed an open relationship, yet he brings up a threesome after a long talk about trying to fix things?!?!?! That is plain dumb, and it shows where his heart lies. As long as he feels like he has been cheated by "not playing the field", this will be an issue, and there is a good possibility that he'll cheat.

[ashangel]

Hey guys. I actually thought his threesome "jokes" were his way of thinking of how he could get some "experience" in the least offensive way to me. Which, the thought of it is just as disrespecful IMO as cheating - I know some people have open relationships and swingers-type relationships, but we don't and I never was one to want one. No, we don't have children, either. Sigh. The past 24 hours have been much better and he's been very, very attentive to me. I can't tell if it's just because he feels badly because he upset me or if he's genuinely realized he did something wrong and wants to start mending his ways right here and now. By what everyone has said, it's probably the former. I have never, ever envisioned him as a cheater. Part of what I've always loved about him is his complete trustworthiness. His words and whatever is going on in his head keep haunting me. I mean we're right back to discussing house projects that we're in the midst of doing, and I told we need to keep communicating about this because I'm not just going back to our status quo and these feeling resurface in him, or he keeps them in and he lashes out in frustration 6 months from now or a year from now.

I can't expect him to be my vision of perfect, but I should at least be able to trust him. Now, I feel like I can't trust what's going on in his head or his feelings towards me. How can I tell if everything's okay because it really is, or if he's just saying/acting like it is because he feels bad about having these feelings? I certainly don't want him to stay with me just because he thinks we're perfect for each other in "8 out of 10 categories" or whatever - I'm not saying relationships have to be 10/10 all the time, but he shouldn't stay with me if he feels a void or issues in parts of it that I can't fix.

For everyone who has said we should have never gotten married, or get divorced right now - I am very much aware of the divorce rate in our country and that many people get married without really knowing each other or giving it time/communication, whatever it may be. He and I have always said, since the month we were dating, that we felt we had found the person we were going to be with for the rest of our lives. We have never had that doubt and plan everything together. What he said to me over the weekend had only come up a few times, and never to this degree. As I've said, I did not realize this was an issue that almost anyone with no prior sexual/relationship experience would have problems with once married. I thought that not all people are like that. He had even said at times how wonderful he thought it was that I was his only love and how lucky he was to find each other and know so quickly - if he was just saying that, who knows now. I think he's very confused about his feelings and I can try as much as possible to help him sort them out, but they are wreaking emotional havoc on me which isn't fair, either. There are couples in parts of our country who get married very young without any other partners and stay together, and probably far more women who marry men with more experience then they have, but that's still a norm in our society and women are not supposed to concern themselves with their husbands' past partners. I didn't think it had to be different with a male partner with less experience. My G*d, it's not like he's complained about my non-lack of experience when it come down to it, KWIM? What a double-standard I feel. Ughh. This is so incredibly frustrating because we love each other so much and him bringing this up was such a shake to our relationship, and it feels 10000x worse than it would have prior to marriage. I feel like he's messing with something you don't mess with now. I feel like once you say the vows, it's sacred. You are saying yes, I'm putting this behind me and moving forward with the person I love. Now, I am afraid we will go back to "normal" and I'll never know what's really in his head. I don't want him to stay with me if he's not 100% content with the marriage, but I feel that he should've thought about this stuff before or needs to be 100% honest with me at all time about it now so we can take it from there and see if he can get over it or if his issues with me are unfixable. I am 100% ready to be with him forever, that's why I married him! Ughh

[HeartIsAching]

Then tell him he needs to attend a Batterers Intervention Course, and the two of you need to see a marriage counselor.

[IndiReloaded]

Oh I don't know Cog. He may not cheat. He just may find other ways to make her pay for his lack of experience compared to hers. He might even like it more than the idea of cheating on her. There's all kinds of asshole out there...

[downtoearth]

Wow, Ash! Sounds like your husband has serious issues. First, he appears to have difficulty with normal human sexuality. I am not comfortable with casual sex but most people do have more than one partner - it's a fact of life. He needs to address these issues immediately if he is to have a healthy relationship with you. Also, his degrading treatment of you is unacceptable. I believe that your husband needs help to deal with his issues in therapy or in marriage counselling with you. Please Ash, make sure you're valuing yourself and taking care of yourself. Your story sounds similar to mine. I too am a teacher (a little older than you) and I too loved a screwed up man. I married my college boyfriend too. We were together for 13 years, married for 7. When I married him, like you, I knew that he had some issues but I felt with maturity and love, he would grow into the man I hoped he'd be. He never did. Although I know he's a good man at heart, he could never get past his issues and continued to drag me down with him. I pleaded with him to go to counselling but he refused, saying that counselling is for weak people who can't deal with their own issues. I stood by him for 7 years (each one worse than the last) until finally I couldn't do it anymore and I knew that leaving was my only chance at happiness. If your husband acknowledges that he has a problem and seeks help to deal with it, then you should continue to work to save the marriage. If he refuses, get out now - before you have children or before it wastes years of your life. A man who is not happy, healthy and well-adjusted can not be a husband to you. Don't waste your tears. I would continue to urge your husband to seek counselling. If he loves you and wants it to work, he'll do it. True love means working on it - together. You can't do it alone no matter how hard you try. He needs to step up or step off. Take care, Ash. I hope he steps up. You sound too good for him to lose.

[IndiReloaded]

Great advice. Welcome to the forum, Downtoearth.