can't have intercourse

[searock]

Thanks for the heads-up on the correct term of what is going on : ).

I have googled it in the past half-hour or so, but I've only found articles aimed at men, giving them tips on how to overcome their problem. There is nothing aimed at women telling them how they can help their partner to overcome sexual performance anxiety. And I have a feeling that if I were to link the articles I found to my bf (even worse, if I suggested he talks about it to a therapist), he would get even more self-conscious. I don't want him to think that I'm anxious to have intercourse or anything (I really am not). I just want to help him somehow, because I know he is very upset about this. Last night we were watching a comedian on tv and she suddenly started talking about erectile dysfunctional men, and even though it is NOT my bf's case, he was still very upset and apologetic and embarrassed, it was heartbreaking : (. I comforted him but I could tell he still suffers because of this.

After reading the articles I know that it's definitely performance anxiety, so that's a good thing : ). Does anybody here suffer from the same problem? What could a partner do to help?

[searock]

Mathias, it's only happened once basically, and it was the time after the one when the loss of arousal was due to the condom being too tight. He has no problem at all staying erect when he isn't worrying about not being able to do it, so it's definitely not a physical condition. It's purely psychological, it's performance anxiety. There are ways to overcome it without having to recur to a therapist, especially since it only happened once and there is no problem in any other aspect of our sexual life. However, if the problem continues, we will consider that option as well.

I was just wondering if anybody (or their partners) here has suffered from the same issue, and what they did to overcome the problem.

[pisces25]

PA is a type of ED Searock, a temporary one. My ex had it and there was nothing I could do to assist, although our situations are slightly different. He ended up with a therapist as he had intimacy problems and various other things going on which were causing him a mental block. It ended up being the end of us. Not that that will happen to you guys necessarily but if it continues on it can become a problem. It is nothing you are doing or not doing which is the problem it is something he needs to try and combat himself. Hopefully others with similar experience to you can be more helpful. PA is a vicious cycle and can be hard to break.

[bulrush]

Have you just kept trying? Maybe if you were encouraging, even if he did not "perform", then he might eventually get enough confidence to complete the act. It might take a few tries, but keep at it.

The other issue is try to be more spontaneous, so he doesn't think about intercourse. But that means searock would have to use birth control, so he doesn't have to think about a condom. Just something to try.

Have you tried having intercourse standing up? That might produce more sexual tension in him to perform. Or what about in other rooms? Just to increase the "naughty" factor.

[HeartIsAching]

Have you just kept trying? Maybe if you were encouraging, even if he did not "perform", then he might eventually get enough confidence to complete the act. It might take a few tries, but keep at it.

The other issue is try to be more spontaneous, so he doesn't think about intercourse. But that means searock would have to use birth control, so he doesn't have to think about a condom. Just something to try.

Have you tried having intercourse standing up? That might produce more tension in him to perform. Or what about in other rooms? Just to increase the "naughty" factor.

Oh hell yes. Nothing more exciting than having my wife wearing a skirt in the kitchen and getting the urge.

[bulrush]

Oh hell yes. Nothing more exciting than having my wife wearing a skirt in the kitchen and getting the urge.

Lol. Does she "go commando"? So it's a lift and *uck.

[HeartIsAching]

Lol. Does she "go commando"? So it's a lift and *uck.

Nah, not usually... older ladies need a bit of protection... but it's no biggie to kick the panties out into the hallway, LOL

[alwaystryin]

originally posted by bulrush
lol. Does she "go commando"? So it's a lift and *uck.

nah, not usually... Older ladies need a bit of protection... But it's no biggie to kick the panties out into the hallway, lol

lmfao.....

[alwaystryin]

I'm surprised no one has asked, but how did everything go the first time?

[pisces25]

She did mention this - "Especially since the first time we attempted intercourse, everything went perfectly fine".

[alwaystryin]

Ah yes, sorry. Had to re-read later posts as I only re-read the first to search for the answer to that question. So then, what does fine mean? Fine as in totally awesome? Or fine as in just mission accomplished? Did he reach orgasm? Could he be feeling that maybe you weren't completely satisfied the first time? Was he a virgin? Just curious if it's performance anxiety stemming from any of these possibilities. Or try something different like put the game on or something else that he likes or relaxes him to distract him from his anxieties.

[searock]

Thank you all for replying : ).

It went fine the first time, he didn't come inside me (he came soon afterwards) but it was very enjoyable for the both of us. He is always afraid of "not doing enough for me", even though I always reassure him, and show him, otherwise. He wasn't a virgin: we have been together for over 5 months now, but before me he was with another girl for 4 years. But, as far as I know (from what he told me, I am not comfortable asking for details) she was quite a bitch, even in sex-related issues. She would make him feel guilty even just for initiating sex with her, I don't even know. A lot of his insecurities come from that part of his past, I am sure. For example, after he orgasms (on me or in my mouth) he ALWAYS apologizes. I'm like, "you're sorry for what exactly?! I enjoyed it!" and he does believe me in the end, but it's like, instinctively, he feels like he did something wrong. I really wish it wasn't like this because I know that it must be quite painful for him, to always feel guilty. He is seeing a therapist for his guilt issues though, perhaps it will do him good in this department as well.

I think that he started having performance anxiety since the second time we attempted to have intercourse, when he lost his erection after wearing the condom. He was very upset, it really got to him. He said things like he disappointed me, he wasn't good enough, I deserved better, etc. He even said that he'd understand if I wanted to have sex with somebody else! He was joking of course, but still I found it quite excessive, since it only happened once and I told him in a million ways that it's really no big deal to me. So he clearly started fearing that it would happen again since the first time it happened, and that's what started the vicious cycle I guess. Now whenever we are about to have intercourse he thinks back to what happened and is afraid of it happening again, and that's why it happens again.

You are all right, I should try to distract him and make him think about me, rather than himself. We can't really have sex in rooms other than our bedrooms, since we live with housemates and they are almost always at home. But if the possibility arises, I'll definitely try : ).
The first time we had this problem, I tried to bring his arousal back, manually and orally... but it didn't work. Was it a mistake from my part? I hope he didn't feel like I WANTED intercourse at all costs, or something. What should I do if the situation arises again? I'm at a complete loss! I also always make sure that he appreciates how much I enjoy what he does to "take care" of me. I know that this "distracts" him and also makes him feel more confident. But this doesn't seem to work either... : ( I'm sure that if things go well again just one time, then it will always be well!

[bulrush]

Ok. His last gf really messed him up. He was probably inexperienced with her, and her abuse made it 10x worse! Guys are very sensitive to sexual issues anyway. They are supposed to be "always ready" and "super studs". But sometimes they aren't.

So yes, try to be more spontaneous so he doesn't have time to think about things. Is he submissive at all? Does he want to be your b*tch? Maybe he's implying that in a roundabout way. Talk to him about it. It's just a total guess.

Or, in the spontaneous department, just get naked with him and just tell him you want to kiss. Have no expectations of him. Try that a few times in a row. He might relax some more without any expectations. But he also has to correct his own thinking, as he still perceives you as being abusive like his ex. Hence his anxiety. He needs to realize you are a different person, and you don't have expectations of him. You need to somehow get this through to him.

Another idea. Get naked with him then give him a backrub while he's on his stomach. It's really relaxing. Then flip him over, get on top of him, and continue rubbing his shoulders, his arms, his legs. See what happens.

[searock]

Exactly... I really hope (and think) that with time it will gradually get better. It's already getting better in many ways, for example, the first time he came in my mouth, he almost started crying afterwards because he was convinced he had done some terrible thing (he had never done it before with anyone)! I had to reassure him for like ten minutes before he finally believed that I enjoyed it - I would've backed off if I hadn't wanted it, right?! - and now he just enjoys it when it happens : ) so I am quite positive about everything else as well. It will just take some time and practice : ). (It does make me wonder though, he must have had some horrible experiences in his past!)

You're right, I need to prove to him that I really don't have expectations of him. I tell him all the time (and I show him with actions) that I enjoy being with him in every way, and I don't feel like anything is "missing". I am just happy and satisfied when I'm with him, that's all. He says that he knows that, but he also believes that I would "have more fun" if he was able to have intercourse with me (he blames himself entirely, even though he obviously doesn't do it on purpose). And this makes him hurt and upset because he feels like he's letting me down. I'll keep reassuring him then. I'm afraid that if I approach him telling him that I just want to kiss, he would start feeling guilty already, he might think something like "she knows that she can't expect anything better from me" or stuff... but if he doesn't think this, it will be fun : ) I also like the backrub idea, maybe it will help him relax a bit. I know that we will end up having sex in both cases : )... The thing is, we have great sex, we just don't have intercourse! When he isn't thinking about it, everything is great... we have also talked about getting tipsy together so that we'll both be more relaxed. But I'm afraid it might have the opposite effect, since alcohol doesn't exactly help to keep an erection, and if he thinks "I am tipsy now so I have no excuse, I MUST perform" then it will be even worse!

[alwaystryin]

Tough situation. You're really doing everything you can do. Beyond that the rest is up to him. Somehow he needs to work up the courage to bring this issue to his therapist's attention. Also, if his ex was so horrible to him in the bedroom one can only assume she was just as horrible outside of it. Do the two of you go out often? Does he lack confidence or is he shy in social situations as well? Or not participate in things he would enjoy because he feels as though he's not good enough? Perhaps approaching the issue from a round about way, help him boost his confidence in other situations so he can feel better about himself without the pressure of your happiness riding on his performance.