can't have intercourse

[searock]

My bf and I have been dating for 5 months. We are both 22 years old. We have a really strong emotional connection (we've been best friends for 3 years) and great chemistry. But we only had intercourse once. We have oral sex, we "play around". We are intimate regularly and we both enjoy it a lot (personally he's the guy I've felt more sexually comfortable around up till now). After that one time, though, we have been unable to have intercourse again. We were going to have intercourse one time, but as soon as he put the condom on... he lost his erection. He couldn't get it "back up" until he removed the condom, and we did get to "finish" but without having intercourse. He was clearly very upset and I was a bit upset myself, because even though I know it's not my fault, I still somehow believe it's because he doesn't like me enough, or stuff. He obviously was upset because he thought it was his fault, he felt he had "disappointed" me, etc. But the reason was actually that the condom was too tight! I comforted him and told him it was no big deal and I enjoyed being with him anyway (which is the truth). Anyway, after that incident we kept "playing" with each other (basically we do everything except intercourse) and everything was OK. But then a couple of nights ago he suggested we had intercourse (I had been avoiding the subject since I knew it might have upset him), and... the same thing happened. Only this time we didn't even get to the point of him wearing the condom! And he was very aroused just moments before. It's clearly a psychological thing, it's like now, after that one time, he is afraid of not being able to do it, so he can't actually do it. He was very upset, a lot more than the first time. I was very supportive and once again we got to "finish", just without intercourse. We haven't attempted it since.

He feels more upset than I do because of this, since he says that he would really like to have "complete" sex, he feels the "need" to, but then when we are almost there he starts thinking and worrying and before you know it, erection's gone. He hates himself for this, no matter how many times I tell him that it's not his fault, it's no big deal, we have lots of fun anyway. But I have to admit it gets to my self-esteem too, cause no matter what I do to "help" him stay up it doesn't work... I even ask him if there is anything I can do, but he says it's not because of me so there is nothing. I still unconsciously feel like it's my fault, like he doesn't like me enough - even though I rationally know it isn't, since everything works just fine when the prospect of having intercourse isn't on his mind.

I think it's clearly because of psychological issues, since there doesn't seem to be any problem in the strictly physical part of it. What can we do to solve this situation? Thank you for reading : ).

[LdFilip]

my question is...why to wear a condom?...if its not for stds,you can simply use pills and have intercourse without a condom...

[searock]

Yeah thing is I've never used them, and I'd rather not take any hormones if I can avoid it.
Also, I don't think that the problem is due to the condoms. It was the first time it happened (condom was too tight), but the second time he didn't even get to open the package! It's just a psychological thing. Although, if the problem lasts for long, I'll probably consider that option as well.

Is there any other possible solution?

[valmont]

try magnum ecstasy condoms...they are wider...never used them either but when i started dating casually i had to...

regular condoms were just way too tight and i ran into the same issue your bf had...

you're going to have to take initiative here searock...i dunno if he is able to stay aroused while you go down on him but if he does you have the condom the whole time...put it on with your mouth or put it on and continue to go down on him with the condom on and slowly take your clothes off and get ready yourself...

be slow...like trying to get a scared puppy to come over to you...once he is inside you i promise your problems will be over...and once you get passed it this one time...the problem should go away for good.

[pisces25]

Based on your other post Sea its quite possible the intimacy is missing for him. My ex had no idea about real intimacy and we had the same troubles. If your BF is still working through getting over his ex then he could very well be struggling in that department. It is pyschological I agree and you are not to blame but you will need patience.

[Trexy]

Does he have any health issues (Diabetes)?

[searock]

Thank you all for replying : ).

valmont,

he has no problem staying aroused while I go down on him (quite the opposite : )). But I'm pretty sure that what you suggest wouldn't work: he is afraid of not being able to stay aroused during intercourse... therefore he isn't able to do it. It's circular. I could manage to put the condom on, but then as soon as he'd realize what's going on he'd start thinking "oh no, now I'm going to lose my erection", and because of these fears, he will lose it.

I agree with everything else you've said though. We will try different types of condoms (even though the second time we couldn't have intercourse he didn't even get to the point of actually opening the package, so it was purely psychological). I think the only problem is that he is afraid of not making it. I like the metaphor of the scared puppy, it fits very well. I have to calm him down and prove to him that there is nothing to be afraid of. If he could stop thinking for a couple of minutes, then "once he is inside me" it would be OK, you're right. We'll keep working on it, since it's something that we both very much look forward to : ).

piesces25,

you're right, I will continue to be extremely patient with him : ). I understand him very well, I know it's just a psychological thing and that as soon as he stops being afraid, the problem will disappear.

But, I don't think it has to do with his ex. We actually just had sex (no intercourse, but as usual, everything else), twice : ). We both enjoyed it, he was very much into it, as he always is. I've never had the impression that he was thinking about somebody else, during the whole time we've been dating. Quite the opposite: sex always brings us closer, we get really close and intimate with one another, there is no problem at all there, we both love it and feel really good and comfortable. He is very sweet and caring and loves to make me feel good (it's obviously reciprocal). The only problem is the intercourse thing... and I think it's actually because he is afraid of not being able to do "enough" for me, afraid of disappointing me. I think it will get better with time and "practice" ; ).

Trexy,

he doesn't have diabetes. But he did suffer from mononucleosis in October. He had to stay at home for a month, it struck him pretty bad. If he wasn't able to keep an erection ever, I'd probably think that it might also have something to do with the medications he was under during that time, cortisone, and just generally convalescence. But he has no problem at all when we aren't "just about to have intercourse". That's why I'm pretty sure it's just a psychological thing.


Basically I'm just trying to find ways to make him feel less afraid of disappointing me. I always tell him how good he makes me feel (it's true), how much I am attracted to him, etc. I also tell him that to me intercourse is no big deal, I love being with him and have lots of fun anyways. Is there something else I can do to "reassure" him?

[Joemama]

Start giving him head with him laying down and you in between his legs. Blindfold him and slowly start taking your clothes off. Get on top of him quickly without letting him know what's up

[searock]

That sounds nice : ) the only problem is that we can't have intercourse without him wearing a condom, and he'd definitely understand what was going on at that point...

[Joemama]

Well put it in for like 20 seconds the put a condom on, or use an alternate form of birth control, like spermicide thing, condom for you, a dilator(I think that's right it's a circle thing you put inside you before you have sex) something like that or get him some viagra

[searock]

20 seconds without a condom is still too much for us (we are both quite paranoid about unwanted pregnancies).

As I said, he has no problem keeping an erection: the only time he goes limp is when he starts fearing that he will go limp (which happens to occur when we are about to have intercourse). It's purely a mind thing, so viagra is kind of out of the question. I might try a "female condom" if the problem lasts for long though - thanks for this advice, as silly as it may sound, I hadn't thought of it yet.

Still, I think it would be better if he somehow managed to get over the psychological issues that are stopping him from just enjoying the moment. Especially since the first time we attempted intercourse, everything went perfectly fine. I'm 100% sure that once he gets over the embarrassment, fear of disappointing and fear of failure, it will all be perfect. I just want to help him to get there...

[HeartIsAching]

Since condoms are an issue and you don't want to take birth control pills or other hormone therapy, have you considered other birth control options? Like maybe spermicidal suppositories, spermicidal sponge, cervical cap, diaphragm or an IUD?

[searock]

As I said, I am going to consider using a female condom if the problem lasts for long. But I really don't think that it depends on the type of birth control used (proof is that the first time we had intercourse it was with him wearing a condom, and it went just fine). Actually, he is the one who always insists we use a condom, he feels safer that way (because of the pregnancy risk, it's not like he thinks I have an STD or anything). So the problem is just that he feels insecure and is afraid of not being able to keep up to "my standards". He thinks that I am more "expert" than him (even though I've only slept with one guy, my ex-bf, other than him) and, after what happened that one time, he is afraid of not being able to have intercourse "ever".

He just needs to be reassured... is there anything I can do to help him? What would a guy want to hear if he was in this position (purely psychological "block")?

[pisces25]

Have you googled 'performance anxiety' ? I believe there is heaps of info on the net about how a guy can try and overcome this issue. Otherwise a pyschologist might be able to help him by changing his mindset or giving him techniques to overcome it.

[Mathias]

He should be seeing his doctor. It's a medical issue (whether it's psychological or not), and you shouldn't be messing around with Googling stuff or taking advice from strangers when there's real help out there.